Chapter 7: Minion Mayhem
Location: Freak Central, Urbania
"MASTA!" Giblet cheerfully exclaimed, seeing the Overlord enter the room. Abandoning his initial occupation of bashing Travis over the head with his smithy hammer, the Brown Minion metalworker ran to his Master and began bowing at his feet. "Giblet wait for Masta to come and free othas! Giblet good servant to da Masta!"
"Yes, my Minion," The Overlord said, folding his arms has he glared at his crafting Minion. "Now, rise to your feet." Giblet immediately shot upwards, gangly arms firmly planted at the sides. "Where is the hive of your fellows?"
"Above! Above!" Giblet shouted, jumping and pointed at the ceiling. "Brown Hive above Masta! Ugly men took Hive to other floor!"
"Second floor, then?" The Overlord muttered. He turned to Travis, flashing his glowing eyes. "Contact the others. My Minions are being held on the Second Floor." Travis rose to his feet, rubbing his head and grumbling.
"You could at least say please…" Travis grumbled. "And quit the evil voice around us. The roof freakin' shakes every time you use it." He placed a finger to his ear, activating his ECHO. "Overlord found one of his Minions. Says they're on the second floor of this place." He paused for a second, a frown slowly forming. "I don't know why he asked me to say it. Probably ain't used to technology like the rest of us. He is the evil villain of fantasy-land, and last I checked, they don't have cellphones." Another pause, followed by a chuckle. "Great. We'll regroup at the main lobby. Touchdown out." He disconnected the call, turning to face the Overlord. "Eddie found the stairs, and Jack just finished mopping up the rest of the Fiends on this floor. They'll meet us in the lobby."
"Excellent. We shall do just that." The Overlord said, glancing down at Giblet. "Oh, and Travis?"
"Yeah?" Travis asked. He didn't remember what happened next, but he did find himself suddenly on the ground with a possibly broken nose. The Overlord loomed over him, wiping the blood off his gauntlet onto Travis' jacket.
"Make a jest about me and technology again and your nose won't be the only thing I break." The Overlord growled, somehow being more terrifying without using his evil voice.
"Yes sir…" Travis said, giving a weak salute.
(Slick: That guy is too sensitive.)
(Rick: That guy is the embodiment of all evil. I don't he cares about sensitivity.)
Whilst Travis and the Overlord were busy with their scouting of the building, Jack focused on his mission to gain as much ground as possible. Luckily for him, and the others, there weren't as many Fiends inside the building as there were running rampant in the Ultimate Arena, and the most the DeathWatcher had to handle were the occasional guards, most of whom ended up with broken necks, split torsos, and a bad case of impalement via self-inflicted manslaughter. Sure enough, after enough aimless wandering, Jack found the stairs to the second floor, and was also surprised to see Eddie appear on the other end of the hall, walking away from a recent scuffle.
"Oh hey, look at that." Eddie noted, sheathing his axe. "Conjoined hallways. Well, I just killed about… ten Fiends on the way here? Seemed pretty disorganized for a base."
"They're raiders so completely drugged up the butt they can't even think properly." Jack muttered, reaching for a cigar in his jacket. "They're about as organized as an armless inmate's gloves." He pulled out a lighter and started to light his cigar, but Eddie gave him a confused look.
"The hell are you doing?" Eddie asked.
"Smoking, what does it look like?" Jack asked, incredulously. Eddie blinked, waving his hands.
"No, I mean, the hell are you using a lighter on a stogie?" Eddie reiterated. He reached into his pockets and pulled out a matchbook. "You use matches on cigars. Gives it a kick." Eddie lit a match and offered a light, which Jack casually obliged. Taking a long puff, Jack gave a hardly seen smirk at the Roadie, tapping the butt of his cigar.
(Slick: Really? Have I been doing it wrong the whole time?)
(Rick: Yes! A blowtorch is not a good usage for a lighter!)
(Slick: Screw you, I do what I want. *blowtorch ignites in background* GAH! MY POMPADOUR!)
"You know your shit, Riggs." Jack said. An ECHO call went off, which Jack abruptly answered. "What is it, Travis?" He paused, listening as Travis spoke. "Well why didn't he call us and say that?" Another pause. "He'll figure it out in time. I'm with Eddie, we'll meet you there. Cayman out." He disconnected the call and took the cigar out of his mouth. "Travis said the Overlord found one of his Minions and he knows where their Hive is. We're going to meet them at the lobby."
"And I was enjoying this bonding moment, too." Eddie joked. Jack shot him a glare, wordlessly walking down the hallway Eddie arrived. The Roadie turned about and shrugged, following after Jack. "What? It was just a joke."
The team met up in the hallway, with Giblet clinging to the Overlord like a puppy. A really ugly, violent, and armed puppy. Travis waved Jack and Eddie over, while the Overlord fiddled with his ECHO device… to varying degrees of success.
"Blast this infernal thing…" The Overlord muttered, pressing his finger against the futuristic device. "I don't want to view inventory, I want to contact Gnarl!"
"Having trouble with the tech, big guy?" Eddie chuckled, putting his fists on his hip. "Want me to call customer services." Jack and Travis chuckled a bit while the Overlord growled.
"Silence. I know what I am doing." The Overlord grumbled, furiously pressing on the ECHO. He let out a short laugh as a ringer sounded. "Gnarl! I've contacted Giblet and have learned the whereabouts of the rest of the Minions. I will require something of celebration afterwards, but now, I need full support on the matter!"
"So you want mushrooms on that?" Asked the receiving end of the call, clearly not Gnarl. The Overlord immediately disconnected the call, while his cohorts couldn't hold back any longer, bursting into laughter. Even stone-faced Jack Cayman was laughing at the situation, though not as hard as Travis, who could barely stand, or Eddie, who had to hold his sides in before a gut could bust. The Overlord roared, slamming his mace onto the ground and shattering the floor, causing Giblet to yelp in surprise.
"SILENCE!" The Overlord bellowed, flames practically shooting out of his eyes. He turned to Eddie, who still continued to laugh. "You! Bardic warrior! Contact my Minion Master at once!"
"Ah hahahah, alright." Eddie said between laughs, activating his ECHO. "Heh, hey Magnus, you there?"
"Yo, Eddie, what's up?" Magnus responded on the other line.
"Can you put Gnarl in the call?" Eddie asked, shooting a mirthful glance at the fuming Overlord. "His Master wants to talk to him and I don't have his number."
"Well why didn't Mr. Evil call Gnarl himself?" Magnus asked.
"All I can say is do you want a pizza delivery?" Eddie asked, prompting a few giggles from Travis.
(Rick: Wow, Meesta Pizza is getting really dedicated to deliveries.)
(Slick: If they were so dedicated, they'd take that dedication and put it in their cardboard pizzas and actually make something worth buying!)
(Rick: Hostile.)
"Oh great darkness, did it happen again?" Gnarl's voice asked, joining the call. "He dialed the wrong number because of the technology, didn't he?"
"This happens a lot?" Eddie asked, suddenly fighting another urge to laugh.
"Unfortunately, my Lord is not as well versed to some of the technology the IDA gives to its associates." Gnarl said, almost woefully. "He once tried to contact one of his fellow Overlords using… oh, what you call it… a smart phone, and somehow managed to order a bucket of fried chicken legs." Eddie couldn't hold back, any more, and frankly, neither could Magnus. The Roadie and his Crew Manager burst into laughter, collapsing on the ground, while Travis and Jack just got their second winds. The Overlord simply stood still, absolutely to fuming to the point his armor started to heat up.
"GNARL!" The Overlord bellowed over his allies' laughter. "WHY DID YOU BRING THAT UP?!"
"M-m-m-my Lord!" Gnarl stammered. "I wasn't aware you were listening. Forgive an old fool for telling a bit of a story…" The Overlord sighed deeply as his allies slowed their laughter.
"These mortals are rubbing off on me…" The Overlord muttered. "Very well, Gnarl, you are pardoned this once. Now…" He glanced at the others, who had finally ceased laughing. "Any more in you? Got it all out? No more laughing at the Overlord? Good."
"What is it you called of me, Master?" Gnarl asked, finally getting to business.
"I've found Giblet." The Overlord said, shoving Travis over before he could object. "He claims to know where the Brown Minion Hive is."
"Masta proud! Giblet happy when Masta proud!" Giblet cheered, hopping with every word.
"Now, the real issue is getting it to a safe location once we find it." The Overlord said.
"Shit, yeah, I forgot about that!" Travis realized. "How are we going to get that thing back to the Lookout Watch? We can't take it back now, not with us being so close to killing the Fiend Leader."
"And given the size of the Hive," The Overlord explained. "We can't carry it with us into battle. You are my chief advisor, Gnarl. Solutions!" Everyone sat in silence, pondering how to solve the situation. Well, the Heart of Steel, Gnarl, and even Magnus did. Giblet just stood there and picked his nose.
"What about a portal or somethin'?" Magnus suggested. "I mean, Lookout Watch has a ton of those. Why don't we, I dunno, link a portal from the Fiend Base to the Watch and shove the Hive through there."
"Magnus, you smell, diaper-wearing man creature!" The Overlord shouted. "That is possibly…" He paused, his ruby red eyes widening in surprise. "The most obviously brilliant idea I've heard in a long time."
"He's right!" Gnarl exclaimed. "Each Base is known to have a linked portal using Magitech that connects to the Lookout Watch of each area, according to the information Agent Cinder provided. All we need to do is locate it and take control!"
"Plus, it'll make a quick getaway after we fight." Jack added. "Sounds like a plan, then."
"Jack and I found the stairs," Eddie said. "So let's get a move on." The men grunted in agreement and began making their way to the stairs. Except for Eddie, still in the call with Gnarl. "You got any other stories about the Overlord fumbling with technology?"
"Thousands." Gnarl said, practically grinning mischievously on the other end. "There was this one time with the bread maker and-"
"GNARL!"
(Slick: I still have the case file from that incident! Leveled a whole residential block, I recall.)
(Rick: If I remember, it involves the bread maker, a bag of yeast, and a Mann Co. Teleporter.)
(Slick: They still haven't rebuilt the Ginyu Training Dojo…)
After a little bit of wandering (and Eddie favoring a blow to the head from an incredibly irate Overlord), the Heart of Steel finally reached the second floor of the building, where the Brown Minions were apparently being held. The Overlord gave Giblet the order to lead them to the Hive, the little blacksmith happy to serve. Almost immediately after Giblet made the turn down the hall, however, they just so happened to run into a trio of thickly armored Fiends carrying shotguns.
"One of those freaks escaped!" One Fiend shouted. "FUCK 'EM UP!" Giblet screamed as he rolled out of the hall, narrowly avoiding the buckshot blasts from the Fiends. While the Minion tried to tame his rapid breathing, the Overlord stepped in, blocking the hallway with his size while the Fiends continued to pump lead into his armor. The result: Nothing but a few dents. The Overlord swung his mace with vigor and rage into the Fiends, shattering their skulls and killing them instantly. The other men tentatively poked their heads out from behind their cover, while the Overlord strode towards Giblet, hefting his Minion off the ground.
"Upon returning to the Lookout Watch," The Overlord commanded. "You will buff out the dents before my next conquest." The Minion nodded vigorously, continuing to shuffle along as he led the way to the Hive. They continued about the grey and crumbling building, hardly encountering any resistance aside from a few guards (who were quickly dispatched by Jack snapping their necks) before Giblet finally reached the promised area.
"In here! In here!" Giblet excitedly whispered, pointing down a doorway. "Minion brothas in here!" The Heart of Steel followed Giblet to the room, and sure enough, there it was: The Brown Minion Hive. It looked like a disgustingly large skin pustule, a pinkish welt with yellow glowing warts and a few small openings along the surface. Chained along the walls were other Brown Minions, some wearing leather barding and metal helmets, others with random objects that could only be described as a poor-man's headwear. The instant they saw their master appear before them, the Minions began immediately cheering for his appearance.
"Masta! Da Masta is here!" One Minion exclaimed.
"We go free! Stinky men no hurt us no more!" Another cheered.
"LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!" A third shouted. The Overlord barely had time to respond to his Minion's claims before-
"PAIN TRAIN INCOMING!" A loud voice shouted. The three other men gaped in shock as a muscular Fiend rammed full speed into the Overlord, knocking the armored menace over and slamming him into the wall. Jack studied this new opponent, taking note of his muscular physique, yet notably burned body. He wore no shirt, but was adorned in torn military pants and boots. He appeared to have no weapons, but the real kicker came when he raised his head to address the rest of the group.
"Hey! That looks like the Overlord's helmet!" Travis shouted, drawing his beam katana. Sure enough, the Fiend was wearing the exact same helmet the Overlord wore, right down to the black metal and the spikes on the top. The only thing he was missing was the darkness masking his face.
"Thunk found new toys to play with?" The Fiend rumbled, cracking his knuckles. "Joe said there'd be fun, but Thunk didn't think there'd be this much!"
(Slick: Hey, Rick, do we have any info on Thunk over there?)
(Rick: All I got is a bunch of medical files regarding extreme Jet addiction and several bills for cranial reconstruction.)
(Slick: Good thing he's got a helmet then.)
"Who the hell calls themselves 'Thunk'?" Eddie mused, readying his axe.
"Thunk does!" Thunk exclaimed, striding towards the group. "Because that's what happens when Thunk does what Thunk does best."
"Repeat his name obnoxiously?" Travis joked. And then Thunk clonked him on the head, sending him on the ground.
"Thunk people!" Thunk shouted, standing over Travis as he rubbed his head. Jack and Eddie immediately prepared themselves, engaging themselves in the large Fiend in combat. On the side, the Overlord pulled himself out of the indentation in the wall and shot a glance to Giblet.
"Giblet…" The Overlord said. "Why does that human have my helmet?"
"Eh…" Giblet started twiddling with his hammer. "Smelly man leader made Giblet make Masta's armor for his minions. Poked me with burn sword if Giblet no make armor." The Overlord started to growl, realizing that since the Fiends now possessed pieces of his armor, but Giblet said something that changed his mood exponentially. "But Giblet use brain. Giblet no use Nether Steel to make armor, like Masta's. Giblet use scrap and junk, so armor break easily." The Overlord paused, surprised that a Minion other than Gnarl or his personal Jester was smart enough to formulate a sneaky plan such as that. His anger subsided, and he looked towards his other Minions, still chained to the wall.
"Go free the others." The Overlord commanded. "I have a plan." The others were barely holding their ground against the lumbering Thunk, with his brute force knocking the three men about, despite their strength could take. Travis was favoring a massive bruise on his forehead, Eddie was recovering from a tough blow to the gut, and Jack was in a struggle with the Fiend, the stress between the shoves threatened to break his metal arm. However, saviors came in the form of the sound of growling, as Thunk was momentarily distracted, turning about to see the number of opponents had gone from five, to fifteen.
"FOR DA MASTA!" Giblet yelled, brandishing his hammer with pride. The freed Minions bellowed war cries of their own, charging at Thunk, tackled him to the ground, and began to viciously beat him to death. Needless to say, their master was proud.
(Slick & Rick: Worst. Deus Ex Machina. Ever.)
"Alright, alright," The Overlord said, stepping over to his Minions. "Step aside. I get the killing blow, remember?" The Minions cackled, stepping away from the broken, bruised and battered form of Thunk, the formerly massive man now reduced to a blubbering wreck. Slowly, the Overlord removed the mockery of his helmet from the fallen Fiend, exposing his bleeding and broken face, and with ease, crushed it between his hands like a paper crane. And with no hesitation whatsoever, he raised his boot and stomped the Fiend's head in like a bug.
"That looked painful." Travis remarked as the Overlord removed his boot from the blood crater. "Don't forget to scrap the brain off, it leaves a stain."
"Or in your case, rust." Eddie added. The Overlord turned to his Minions, all gathered and bowed to their leader. With a single wave of his Minion Gauntlet, the Minions rose and gathered around their Hive and hefted it off the ground. The Overlord moved to face his allies, folding his arms and staring off.
"Go and find the Transportation Portal." The Overlord instructed. "I will stay with my Minions, ECHO me when you succeed."
"You got it, big guy." Jack said, nodding as he, Travis and Eddie bolted down the hall, vanishing from sight. The Overlord looked down at the body of Thunk, then to the scrap helmet in his hand, and finally to Giblet.
"How many pieces of armor did you make?" The Overlord asked. Giblet smiled, holding his hands behind his back.
"One set. All poopy junk." Giblet stated. The Overlord chuckled. This was going to be a fun day.
(Slick: Poopy junk… isn't that what a Rusty Venture is?)
(Rick: For the love of God, a Rusty Venture is where you *continuous censor* with the *censor* and then you take the *censor* and shove it up the *censor*, followed by a rigorous shower to question your existence.)
(Slick: Holy shit.)
(Rick: What? I know my sex terms like you know your drugs.)
(Slick: Shut up before another Commentator duo decides to sue.)