Chapter Eight:Joe the Render, Fiend Warlord
Location: Urbania
Lookout Watch
Cinder watched through the monitors of the Lookout Watch's various computers, tracking the Heart of Steel's progress as they dealt with Fiends and retrieved the Brown Minion Hive. The orange-suited man smirked, satisfied at how successful the first mission was going, plucking a cigarette from his suit.
"They've got the Hive." Cinder announced to the others in the room. Sylvia and Magnus were talking to each other about something, Gnarl was examining the map at the center, and the recently arrived Mr. Murphy was going over some business deals for the Gun Runner Sponsorship. "They'll pop it through a portal and send it here." He turned and faced Gnarl, leaning down to face the elderly Minion Master. "Do we have a place to keep it safe, Nab?"
"Gnarl…" Gnarl growled, reiterating his name for the third time today. "And yes, there is a section one floor down large enough to house all four Minion Hives, once we acquire them."
"Excellent!" Cinder cheered, straightening up and walking towards Mr. Murphy. "And have your people started moving equipment here yet?"
"We've got robots on standby," Mr. Murphy clarified. "And a few crates of gear are already placed in storage." Murphy put his papers away, frowning at Cinder. "You know, when we arranged this deal for giving arms for an army, I had expected there to be at least, oh I don't know, an actual army?" Cinder returned the frown, snapping his gloved fingers, causing his forefinger to ignite, allowing him to take a puff of his cigarette.
(Rick: I can't tell, is he magic, a Splicer, or… how did he do that?)
(Slick: Home-made lighter gloves. Flint and tinder in the fingers and thumb with non-flammable material. Great for a quick light… But bad if you rub 'em together in a gassy room.)
(Rick: And you know this because…)
(Slick: Remember when I came to the office burnt and lacking eyebrows?)
"What would you do," Cinder said, pacing about as smoke fled from his mouth like foggy dew. "If you had four incredibly powerful men at your disposal and have true strength at your fingertips?" Nobody answered. "Naturally, you'd think you're invincible, that no army can overcome you. That is a fools thought." He turned about, taking another inhale of his cigarette. "You see, wars are not won by generals and commanders alone, Mr. Murphy, but by the soldiers themselves. And how do you get these soldiers?" Murphy was about to answer, but Cinder immediately interrupted him. "Through the generals. In this case, we have our four generals, each with talents in gathering forces and leading the charge, and we've sent them out to scour for suitable soldiers."
(Slick: Eat your heart out, Sun Tzu.)
(Rick: Careful, he might be listening.)
"Dude, you call the Fiends 'soldiers'?" Magnus asked, his tone skeptical and concerned. "That's about the dumbest thing I've heard all day."
"I agree with Magnus." Sylvia said, stepping in. "Fiends are nothing more than savages, violent and unstable raiders who would sooner kill a commanding officer and proceed to have sex with a fern than actually follow orders."
"She's not wrong…" Murphy interjected. "But Fiends are essentially warriors and fighters, otherwise why would the IDA allow them into their ranks?"
"Indeed, tribal men and bandits are known to be malleable in terms of breeding armies." Gnarl added, tapping the floor with his cane. "I remember one Overlord who united ten tribes of bandits and Wildmen to form an army of violent outsiders. They were unpredictable, yes, but they got the job done."
"Truth be told," Cinder said, puffing a cloud of smoke. "I don't care whether or not Heart of Steel decides to have the Fiends be part of our army," He glanced at the screen, watching as Travis, Jack, and Eddie carted the portal machine back to the Overlord. "All that matters is Joe the Render is defeated, otherwise we can't continue with the Tournament. Be it that they kill him or ally with him, I don't care." Off to the side, the portal machine clicked and whooshed as a circular gateway opened up, a purple and yellow swirling vortex within a circular hoop, the sounds of Travis and Eddie cheering on the other side. "I just care about winning and getting that wish."
"Aren't you going to offer a smoke?" Mr. Murphy asked. Cinder scoffed, taking yet another puff.
"No." He said. He glanced down at the monitors viewing the exterior of Fiend Central, not taking notice of several familiar men wearing purple and white garb running inside the building, all heavily armed. "Oh, that can't be good."
Location: Fiend Central
The portal device activated, opening an entryway large enough to fit the Brown Minion Hive and then some. The Overlord motioned for his Minions to carry the Hive, all but Giblet rushing to follow the command. Giblet stood at attention before his Master, who towered over him like a dark tower.
"Giblet, take the Hive to the other side of the portal," The Overlord ordered. "And listen to whatever instructions Gnarl gives of you. Darkness be done." Giblet nodded vigorously, joining his hideous brethren as they carried the Hive through the portal, vanishing as soon as they passed through.
"You done?" Jack asked, folding his arms. The Overlord turned and nodded, silent and stern. "Good, now let's go and kick some ass." The four men filed out of the room, turning down the hall and heading up the stairs. The group wandered the hallways, coming across nothing but dilapidated rooms and no Fiends, much to their surprise. Travis was actually starting to get bored from not having anything to kill, but his wishes came true when they heard some odd shouting down a corridor.
"Do it!" Shouted a Fiend. "Do it, damn it!" The four men poked their heads out from behind the corridor and saw two Fiends, one wearing faux Overlord grieves, jumping like a lunatic, and the other holding a pistol to… the crotch of the first guy.
"I'm gonna do it!" The other Fiend shouted, clicking the pistol.
"This shit is bullet proof!" The armor wearing Fiend cackled. "I wanna test it, so shoot me you shit!" Eddie shifted slightly, about to deal with the Fiends, but the Overlord firmly planted his armored hand on the Roadie's shoulder, giving the best 'wait and see' look he could while wearing his helmet. The gun went off, and just as the Overlord expected, but not at all like the Fiend did, the bullet tore right through the mockery of his armor, and blew the Fiend's pelvis to a giant hole.
(Rick: Pride of the IDA intelligence, right there.)
(Slick: He's not the dumbest, y'know.)
(Rick: Yeah, that spot's reserved for you.)
(Slick: I hold the trophy with pride… HEY!)
"GYAHAHAHA!" The now injured Fiend cried, shielding his damaged area. "FUCKING HELL! THEY SAID IT WAS BULLET PROOF!"
"And I say you're a dumbass," The shooter roared in laughter. "How'd an idiot like you last this long in the tournament?!"
"Good question." Travis said, immediately darting from the cover, brandishing the blue blade of his beam katana, and decapitated the Fiend who was shot. "How did he last so long?" He didn't give the Fiend long enough time to answer before swinging his blade and cutting him in two. "Sorry, time's up."
"I'm going to be honest," Eddie said, walking up to Travis. "That was the weakest kill line I've heard you say." Travis rolled his eyes, continuing down the hall with the group in tow. After rounding another corner, they came across an immediate dead end, an odd pedestal stationed in front of the wall. On the pedestal, there was a bright red button, and a sign that so crudely said 'Com fite me, hit butun'.
(Rick: Illiteracy, thy name is Fiend.)
(Slick: Did you really just say 'thy' in a sentence?)
"Normally, I'd question the method to start a fight," Jack said, striding up to the pedestal. "But these are Fiends we're talking about. So… What the hell." The DeathWatcher immediately slammed his metal fist onto the switch, sounding a loud factory alarm as the building began to shake and tremble. The four men grouped together, back to back and weapons at the ready, as the walls around them fell to the floor. The office around them was gone, replaced with the twisted skeleton of the building, filled with rubble, burning furniture, and Fiends climbing all over the framework like a manic monkey cage. And at the center of it all, sitting in a red swivel chair, was the leader of them all. He was a filthy muscular man, though nowhere near as bulked as Bonehead or Thunk, but just as thick, wearing nothing but leather pants and boots, his chest covered in bullet scars and cuts, head completely shaven with his lips curled up in a snarl. Strapped to his back was a motorcycle engine turned into a pack, connected to a long, oil-coated metal rod.
Joe the Render, the Fiend Warlord!
(Rick: And here's the grand Poo-Bah of the IDA Fiends, Joe the Render. Formerly a wanted criminal for crimes against humanity, he signed on with the IDA after helping save the Mojave Wasteland from being glassed by the Order of Purity.)
(Slick: I hate that bastard. He's smart and violent, which is a dangerous combination for a raider. He was so damn smart, he united the Fiends and took over after the last leader died by his hand. That Shishkebab weapon of his was tricked out to spew flames, making him a dangerous fucker. They call him 'the Render' because he'll rend the flesh from his enemy's bones.)
(Rick: Standard raider fare, sounds like it.)
(Slick: Most raiders don't have goddamn flaming weapons!)
(Rick: What about Cook-Cook?)
(Slick: What about Cook-Cook?)
"So you're the bunch of la-de-dah twats who've been killing my clansmen." Joe said, rising from his seat, growling in a deep voice. "So you want to knock my crown off my head, do you?"
"Yep." Travis said, igniting his beam katana. "So here's the plan: We kick your ass, get one step closer to winning the Tournament, get the wish, and I go home and watch Bizarre Jelly 5 and relax."
"Isn't that the Extra Bukkake Special?" Joe asked, jabbing a finger towards Travis. "I've been dying to see it!"
"Fuck yeah, it's awesome." Travis chuckled, dropping his guard. "Holy hell, you watch Bizarre Jelly? Didn't think you guys had anime in the Wasteland."
(Rick: Hey, Slick, what the hell is Bizarre Jelly?)
(Slick: You don't wanna know. I didn't wanna know, but Watcher told me, and now I'm telling you: you don't wanna know.)
(Rick: … It's that Anime porno that's fruit themed isn't it?!)
(Slick: EH, LALALALALALALALALA – I'M NOT LISTENING – LALALALA !)
"We don't!" Joe guffawed. "I wanted to learn some other world stuff when I joined the IDA, and I found that at the 2y-Records under something I couldn't read. Still can't read. But that show just sets things off I usually get when I'm gutting people."
"Please stop talking." Jack somewhat begged. "This is too fucking uncomfortable."
"Yeah, I get one helluva fun time from killing people, skinning their bones, and watching Bizarre Jelly." Joe said, a proud smile on his face. "Plus a little something more."
"Shut up! PLEASE!" Jack shouted, straining his voice. Everyone was quiet, even Travis and the hooting Fiends shut their mouths.
"… It's a hard on." Joe quickly said.
"RRAAAAAAGH!" Jack yelled, retracting his chainsaw with a roar. Joe laughed, plucking the metal rod from his belt.
"Finally, now I get to fight." Joe evilly chuckled, holding the rod like a sword. "I think it's time to show you meat sacks why they call me," He pressed a button on the rod, causing the oil soaked portion to ignite into a massive flaming sword. "THE RENDER, HAHAHAHAAH!"
Heart of Steel vs. Joe the Render
Ranked Battle
FIGHT!
(Recommended music for the Fight: Firewater from Dead Rising 2: Off the Record)
Jack immediately took off from his position, swinging his chainsaw arm directly at Joe with breakneck speeds. The Fiend Chieftain smirked, taking a defensive stance and poising his flaming blade to block. Chainsaw met flaming metal, sparks and embers flying between the two and peppering their bodies. Jack and Joe grunted between the strength of their pushes, while the others ran out and joined to help. Joe saw the backup arriving, quickly broke the lock and dove backwards, scraping his sword on the sheet metal below him.
"Four on one, huh?" Joe mused, seeing Travis, Eddie, and the Overlord joining Jack, arms at the ready. "That doesn't seem like a fair fight." He rose to his feet, grasping the blade between his hands. "For you." The Fiend spun his sword around in a blazing helicopter, creating a torrent of flame that grew larger and larger the faster he spun, until it grew so large he had to hold the rising inferno above his head. "SLASH-KEBAB!" Joe immediately stopped spinning, flicking his wrist and sending a burning discus flying right at the four men. They weren't fast enough to dodge out of the way, but the No More Hero did the next best thing: return to sender. He dove in front of the flaming wheel, blocking it with his beam katana and holding it at bay.
"Game point!" Travis shouted, swatting the attack back at the Fiend leader. "SERVICE!" Joe quickly dove out of the way, narrowly avoiding the attack as it instead crashed into the wall, roasting a group of spectator Fiends who had congregated there. "I don't even watch tennis."
"I think that was volleyball." Eddie suggested, strumming his guitar. "Let's sound the Battle Cry!" Eddie immediately played a loud and invigorating riff that boosted the spirits of his comrades, giving them a feeling of strength, power, courage, and of course metal. Eddie and Travis took charge, bolting towards Joe as he stood up. Eddie immediately locked his axe with the flaming weapon, forcing Joe to once again find himself in a stalemate. Travis immediately took the opportunity to deal as much damage as possible, slashing at him from around with his Bloody Berry katana.
(Rick: For those of you wondering why Travis' beam katana doesn't do instant damage like an actual lightsaber, instead doing a crippling attack, it's because… because…)
(Slick: It runs on MOE! MOE I SAY!)
(Rick: Slick, for the love of god…)
(Slick: MOOOOEEEEEEEEEE!)
Joe was sufficiently winded, but nowhere near exhausted. Luckily for him, he had an ace up his sleeve. He kicked Eddie in the leg, breaking the lock, tripped Travis up, and bolted for the swivel chair. He stood up on the chair, hands raised in the air, and bellowed a war cry at the top of his lungs. The Fiends all around them responded in their own hoots and howls, grabbing their weapons and diving down to join the fray, forcing the Heart of Steel to regroup in the center. Needless to say, they were sufficiently surrounded.
"Never fuck with a Warlord when his clan is watching!" Joe cackled, watching as the Fiends shook their weapons and forced them into a circle. Eddie looked around and counted the numbers of the enemy, and measured up to about sixty.
"Okay, this makes things pretty difficult." Eddie said, waving his axe around.
"So, here's what I think." Jack said, cracking his knuckles. "I'll take the fifteen on my side, Travis, you get the fifteen in front of you, Eddie, get the fifteen in front of you, and Overlord, you've got the other fifteen."
"Screw you, I'll take sixteen." The Overlord boomed, twirling his mace.
"That's the spirit, big guy." Travis chuckled, clutching his beam katana firmly between his hands. Joe and the Fiends cackled, amused by the group of four's bravado. But soon their laughter was drowned out by the roar of bullets and the screams of Fiends as they were gunned down. The Overlord guffawed, seeing their backup had arrived as instructed: the Brown Minions had returned, and they were packing heat. Giblet led the charge, clutching a slightly worn shotgun alongside his hammer, chittering with laughter as he gunned down a Fiend, while the rest wielded pistols and submachine guns.
(Rick and Slick *singing*: Here they come to slay the day~!)
"I hope the reinforcements are suitable, my lord." Gnarl said over ECHO.
"Most suitable, Gnarl." The Overlord chuckled, watching in malicious glee as his Minions slaughtered the Fiends, leaving Joe the Render absolutely speechless.
"My… my clan!" Joe sputtered. "My Fiends!" The Overlord strode up to the Fiend leader, dropping his mace to his side.
"You're grave." The Overlord boomed. He grabbed Joe's head, ripped his weapon from his back, and hoisted him two feet above the ground. "And now, you die."
"Wait! Wait!" Joe begged, feeling immense pain as metal fingers dug into his skull. "I… I can make a deal! Something for the lot of us!"
"No dice." Travis said, twirling his beam katana between his fingers. "You've got nothing good to offer us. Nothing worth offering from a murderous raider like you." Before he could move to the kill, Jack stuck his arm in front of Travis, an intrigued look on his face.
"Let's hear him out." Jack said, gesturing for Joe to continue.
"You guys are stronger than the Fiends," Joe admitted, spitting a bit of blood out. "Stronger than me. So here's what I suggest: Instead of killing me and wiping the Fiends out, you let me live and we'll become your allies."
"Fuck. That." Travis said, a snarl curling on his lips. "There is no way I'm going to ally with these fucking psychopaths… Even if he does like Bizarre Jelly."
"Listen, I've got more to say – Ah!" Joe stammered, cringing under the pain in his skull. "You may have killed most of us in our base, but we're still pretty spread out, lots of us! I give the word and we regroup, and you've got yourself a formidable force of the Mojave Wasteland's own Fiends. Whaddaya say?"
Author's Note: Once again, a choice is presented. Do our band of killers do what they came here to do and eliminate Joe the Render? Or do they take the Raider Warlord's offer and gain new completely unstable allies? The choice is yours. Post an answer in the reviews or send a PM, and we'll add it to the tally. Just remember, each choice has an advantage and a consequence… Oh, and for the record, this is a logic choice, not a morality choice. Good hunting, readers!
Also, apologies for making the fight against Joe the Render so short, there wasn't really much to work with between a team of three writers, so sorry if the fight seems a bit lack-luster.