Chapter Eleven: Plucking Wings
Location: Above the Urbania Main Road
"This is so fucking stupid!" Travis exclaimed as he clung for dear life to his motorcycle. "Of all the ideas you've thought of, Jack, this has got to be the fucking worst!"
"Quit complaining, Travis," Jack shouted over the roar of battle. "We're making our drop in minus twenty! So buckle up and shut up!"
"It's hard to do that when we're dangling over thirty stories in the air," Travis shouted. "Hanging from helicopters by freaking tow cables! I'm not even properly situated!" To shed some light on the situation, as part of the agreement between the Saints and Heart of Steel to take down the Monarch and his Mighty Flying Cocoon, Jack and Pierce devised a plan to penetrate the impenetrable flying fortress utilizing their helicopters and vehicles. All three of the vehicles were now dangling precariously midair from tow cables equipped to purple cargo helicopters, each poised to strike at the heart of the Monarch. The Druid Plow was suspended between two helicopters, held aloft by four tow cables due to its immense weight, with the Overlord gleefully at the controls of the car's mounted lightening rod, while Eddie kept his hands firmly on the wheel and nitro boosters. Jack's Harley motorcycle hung from a single copter, suspended at both wheels by two cables, eyes peeled and chainsaw at the ready. Travis was in a precarious situation, given that when his Schpeltiger was connected to his helicopter, the front cable snapped and left Travis hanging by a metaphorical thread by his rear tire. The assassin clung to the sides of his vehicle, barely able to keep his grip on the sides of his bike. Eddie looked ahead, counting at least two hundred strong among the numbers of the Henchmen, fluttering in a cluster of yellow and orange.
"Alright guys," Eddie shouted, waving his allies. "We've got one shot at this! The Saints are going to get us high enough to drop us inside the Cocoon like college beer pong, but we've gotta keep the Henchmen off us! Everyone's got a plan?"
(Slick: Ah, College Beer Pong, the game of champions.)
(Rick: Champions with more alcohol in their veins than blood, like you.)
(Slick: I, good sir, take that as a compliment.)
"I picked up a few tricks from my twin brother," Travis said, clutching his Rose Nasty Beam Katana. "I can knock a few outta the sky, if I can keep still long enough."
"Just watch 'em try and get close," Jack said, revving his chainsaw. "I'll cut 'em to ribbons."
"I'll blow them to bits with this masterful and majestic weapon!" The Overlord cackled. "I must get these for my Minions and my castle."
(Rick: That's a terrifying thought, a medieval Overlord with high-tech guns.)
(Slick: I'd say it's on par with giving space aliens magic. Awesome in concept, horrifying on the receiving end.)
"All our helicopters are equipped with defensive machine guns," Pierce said, peering from the side of the Druid Plow's chopper. "And all of us have guns to take those bastards down. I think we got this!" Eddie chuckled, steadily rising from his seat with Clementine resting in his hands.
"We're ready to pluck some wings," Eddie said. "SOUND THE BATTLE CRY!" The Roadie played out a rousing riff on his guitar, an inspiring melody that bolstered the spirits of the men and women who heard it, giving them strength to fight in the oncoming battle. As a bonus, everyone's weapons began to shine a solid gold, including Travis' katana, Jack's mechanical arm, the Overlord's gauntlet, and the guns on the Druid Plow. If the Henchmen were screwed before, they were doomed now. "CHARGE!"
The sky erupted in a fire of bullets and darts, with supercharged gunshots ringing out across the area and decimating the Henchmen, dropping them out of the sky and onto the concrete street below. Travis steadily rose from his seat, clutching his beam katana tightly between his hands. The assassin shut his eyes and envisioned a slot machine running in his head waiting to activate one of his techniques.
(Rick: Looks like Travis is using one of his Dark Side Attacks, a randomized power boost that makes the No More Hero a one-man tank!)
(Slick: That sounds awesome! How does it work?)
(Rick: According to an interview with Travis himself, he said, and I quote "Game Programmer Bullshit".)
(Slick: Travis-1, Fourth Wall-0.)
Bell… Bell… Travis listed in his head as the slots spun. Finally, a third bell appeared, enabling the No More Hero to unleash one of his many dark side attacks. Travis precariously took up a fighting stance, his beam katana behind his back and free hand aimed at the enemy.
"Blueberry cheese BROWNIE!" Travis shouted, swinging his beam katana. The instant the red blade passed his front, a large red orb of energy shot from the sword towards a large cluster of Henchmen. The red orb passed clean through the Henchmen's bodies, tearing right through them a hot knife in butter. Swing after swing, Travis slaughtered dozens of Henchmen, leaving gaping holes in the enemies' ranks. After a few seconds of rampant swinging, Travis finally exhausted himself, deactivating his beam katana and resting against the Schpeltiger. "Yeah, score one for the Otaku!"
"Show off." Eddie muttered, grasping his hands on the steering wheel. "Let's get the pyrotechnics ready, big guy."
"With pleasure…" The Overlord darkly chuckled, slamming his hand on the big red button. A bolt of lightning shot from the rods on the sides of the car, blasting dead center in the cluster of Henchmen, roasting them like bugs in a zapper. A few more shots, and the crowd was definitely thinned, but one stray shot went slightly awry when one of the Saint's helicopters accidentally flew in the way. The bolt disabled the helicopter, sending it flying out of control and crashing into a building. Eddie shot the Overlord an irritated glance, the master of evil looking slightly surprised. "… Collateral damage, what are you going to do?"
"Guh…" Eddie groaned, slamming a fist onto his dashboard. "I'm calling off the guns, can't risk hurting anyone else."
"Didn't stop you when you got Shaundi killed!" Pierce angrily shouted, firing randomly into the crowd of Henchmen with an SMG.
(Rick: Ouch, someone get a fireman, we've got a burn victim here!)
(Slick: I will set you on fire for that one.)
"That was a Fiend, not us!" Jack exclaimed over the roar of battle. "And we said we were sorry! Repeatedly!" A Henchman managed to somehow get close enough, shooting at Jack from what he presumed to be a safe distance. Three darts impacted on Jack's metal arm, two snagged on the sleeve of his jacket, not even doing the slightest bit of damage. The DeathWatcher, in response, plucked the darts from his arm and tossed them right at the Henchman, piercing his red-lens goggles and digging into his eyes. The blind and slightly sedated Henchman flew about, trying to orient himself, but flew too close to Jack and was grabbed by the ankle. Jack immediately disposed of the Henchman by tossing him upwards, wherein the helicopter blades tore him to shreds. "Freakin' flyboys."
"Alright, we're almost in range of the drop!" Pierce announced as they closed in on the Cocoon. "Get you're asses ready, because we're going in full force!"
"I'm not… even going to make a joke about that." Travis said, clasping tightly on his handlebars. The helicopters rose higher into the air, just above the orange supervillain fortress and the cloud of Henchmen, their target just within drop distance.
"We're going to drop the cables!" Pierce exclaimed. "Once you get in range, hit the gas and tear those mother fuckers a new one!" The four men took positions, each revving their engines with blood in their eyes. "On the count of ten! Ten… Nine… Eight…" The cables suddenly detached as explosions rocked the helicopters. "SHIT! No time for full countdown!" The three vehicles dropped out of the sky, steadily falling towards the observation deck of the Flying Cocoon. "Sorry!"
"Son of a BITCH!" Travis screamed, slamming his feet on the gas pedals. Flames erupted from his exhaust pipes as the Schpeltiger propelled itself towards the Cocoon, the Druid Plow and the Harley following in pursuit. From the inside of the Cocoon, those watching the battle would be perplexed by the sudden appearance of three large, rapidly growing shadows. That was the fate of four unfortunate Henchmen that had been standing by the safety glass window as two motorcycles and a custom-built car crashed into the Cocoon proper, crushing them beneath the immense weight. The Druid Plow, Harley, and Schpeltiger veered to the side, attempting to slow their speed. This was effective for the Plow and the Harley, as the two vehicles immediately skid to a halt, allowing Jack, Eddie, and the Overlord to jump from their seats, weapons brandished. Travis, on the other hand, skid too far and ended up driving right down an access ramp, lower into the Cocoon's depths. Eventually, a crash was faintly heard downstairs, and Travis loudly swearing.
(Slick: I give a nine for the execution, but a three for the landing.)
"You alright, Travis?" Eddie asked, pressing onto his ECHO.
"Yeah, I'm fine…" Travis grumbled over the call, picking up faint sounds of a fire crackling in the background. "My bike's totaled. Look, you guys handle the Monarch and his Henchmen, I'll find a way to bring this place down. Good luck." Eddie disconnected the call and took a moment to observe the scenery of the room alongside his comrades. The entire room was a dome-like structure, colored a deep purple tone and lined with black marks, much like the interior of a butterfly cocoon. Computer consoles and terminals circled about the center of the room, with startled and panicked Henchmen manning them. At the very center, sitting on purple, butterfly shaped throne, was a gangly looking man wearing gold and black armor. On his chest was an orange monarch butterfly symbol, and a tall golden crown rested atop his head. The most notable features, of course, were his long, pointed orange beard and absurdly long curled eyebrows, resting on his angular face. On his back were a pair of monarch butterfly wings, and strapped to his wrists were strange canisters that could only be projectile weapons. The man rose from his throne, slowly clapping and striding towards the three men.
"Bravo, men of mystery, bravo." The man said in the same nasally voice as heard on the speakers. "You crashed into my Mighty Flying Cocoon, guns blazing alongside a street gang, and now you want to take my throne." The man started to laugh a manic cackle. "You made a big mistake, competitors, for now, you must face the inhuman wrath that is… THE MIGHTY MONARCH!"
The Monarch! Take him seriously!
(Rick: Looks like the Heart of Steel will be going toe to toe with the Monarch, one of the many villains from the Guild of Calamitous Intent. The Monarch and his many Henchmen hail from a universe where super heroes and super villains are not only plentiful, they're unionized!)
(Slick: This whiny shit is classified as a D-List villain, a bottom of the barrel scraping only worth the time of equally lame good guys. At the moment, the Monarch is arching his on again/off again nemesis, Dr. Rusty Venture, son of the late Jonas Venture and member of the IDA's Science Department… Remind me how this idiot joined the IDA?)
(Rick: If I remember correctly, he had enough pull with the Sovereign of the Guild to score a lesser Agent position, and honestly we're thankful for it. The Flying Cocoon is a fully mobile fortress for troops, and the Monarch himself is a pretty invaluable fighter. Read off his stats, Slick.)
(Slick: Yeah, whatever… The Monarch's suit is capable of flight, his prime weapons are wrist-mounted dart guns, loaded with poison darts dipped with Frog Venom, and is surprisingly well built. Granted, he's about as smart as an actual butterfly. Let's see the team take him down!)
As the supervillain ended his triad with a dramatic pose, the wings on his unfolding to reveal the majestic butterfly pattern, the Heart of Steel men could only look with shock, confusion, and one case humor.
"That's the Monarch?" Jack incredulously asked, jabbing a finger towards the aforementioned supervillain. "Honestly, I was expecting something more." The Monarch dropped his pose and began sputtering like a child that had just been told off.
"You're not impressed?" The Monarch asked, completely baffled. "But… But I worked all day on that speech. I had the flourish and the evil laugh and everything! How are you not impressed?!"
"Simple, we weren't." Jack said, folding his arms. "It was cheesy, it was stereotypical, you referred to yourself as 'inhuman wrath'… Honestly, you're like a villain from a Sunday Morning Kids Cartoon."
(Slick: Now THAT'S a burn.)
"Which is why we don't let him join the Assembly of Evil." The Overlord muttered, rubbing his head. Jack and Eddie stared at their monstrous ally with confusion. "Oh, did I forget to mention we have a history? Yeah, since the Guild of Calamitous Intent has ties within the Assembly of Evil, y'know, the IDA's top division of Chaotic Evil Agents, this obnoxious ninny keeps on pestering to join our ranks. We deny him every time."
"For what reason?" Eddie asked, watching as the Monarch fumed at his throne.
"Because he's so bloody annoying!" The Overlord laughed. "I mean, you've heard him speak, right? It's like a fly pays rent in his nostrils!" The three men, and even a few of the Henchmen, began laughing at the Monarch's expense, the long-browed villain's face turning beet red from anger and embarrassment.
"ENOUGH!" The Monarch shouted, silencing everyone in the room. Heaving and growling, the Monarch stormed down his throne, steam venting from his ears. "You wanna get this fight done or what? Because if you ladies wanna keep laughing, I've got a smokin' hot wife I can go and spend quality time with and have my actual Henchmen just kick your asses for me." The three men looked in confusion and slight amusement, watching as the golden-armored man fumed and ranted before them. However, the last thing Jack said was enough to break the ice.
"How did a weenie like this get a wife?" Jack asked, jabbing a thumb in the Monarch's direction. Enraged, the Monarch bellowed, raising his arms and firing butterfly-styled darts from his wrist launchers in a rapid fashion. Jack and Eddie dove out of the way, while the darts bounced harmlessly off the Overlord's armor. Jack rolled to his side, extending his chainsaw arm. "Looks like the fight's on."
"Henchmen!" The Monarch shouted, all Henchmen standing to attention, clasping dart guns. "TO BATTLE!"
Travis sprinted down the purple halls of the Cocoon, running past various Henchmen and cutting down a few in his wake. Up above, the No More Hero could faintly hear the sound of explosions rocking the deck, no doubt it was a fight between his allies and the Monarch.
"Shit, they're already getting the party started." Travis cursed to himself, picking up his pace. "I gotta shut this thing down before they break out the hookers and pizza." Slicing a passing Henchman at the midriff, Travis rounded another corner, skidding to a halt as he saw something anyone in his predicament would be happy to behold: an express elevator to the generators. Wasting no time, Travis bolted into the elevator and began hammering at the buttons, eager to get to real destruction. Before Travis could break the plastic button, the doors closed with a ding and began its descent into the depths of the Cocoon. Idly, Travis stood in the elevator, hands stuffed in his pockets and whistling an old tune a fellow assassin taught him. Hearing that little song brought old thoughts back to the Crownless King, reminding Travis of how far he'd come. Starting off as a nobody otaku, then joining the UAA, killing his psychotic half-sister, finding out about his Irish twin brother, his best friend getting murdered, tearing up the UAA, and now a member of a universal stabilizing agency. Sounded too crazy to be real, but to Travis, it was reality.
(Slick: *snickering*)
(Rick: What was that?)
(Slick: Nothing. What was what?)
Travis was immediately yanked out of his daydreaming when a loud crash shook the elevator, and the doors appeared to have been punctured by a piece of sharp metal. The elevator immediately ground to a halt, rocking Travis and nearly knocking him on his feet.
"The fuck?!" Travis loudly swore, plucking his Tsubaki Mk. III katana from his belt and igniting the traditional-looking sword in a green blade. Another metal blade stuck through the doors of the elevator, slowly prying it apart with great force.
"You are trespassing on Monarch property!" Shouted an irritated man on the other side. "And for that, I'm going to cleave thee a new butthole!" The doors were immediately rend open, revealing a muscular Henchman on the other side, adorned in yellow and orange combat armor (as opposed to the regular uniforms of the others), with wrist mounted blades and a belt containing a wide variety of tools and weapons. On his shoulder, sewn in black cloth, was the number 21.
Henchman 21, Two-Tons of Muscles and Geekiness!
(Slick: Now this is a guy I can respect.)
(Rick: You respect Henchman 21? Don't you, I don't know, have issues with LARPers and Comic Book Geeks?)
(Slick: Yeah, but not Gary! Henchman 21 is one of the best Henchmen in all of Henchdom, being one of the longest living Henchmen under the Monarch's employment and a powerhouse to boot. The dude's crazy strong, skilled with all forms of weaponry, unbelievably intelligent, and has two badass wrist-blades like the Assassins use, but cooler!)
(Rick: And how did he earn your respect, I ask skeptically?)
(Slick: Saved my ass a few months ago… From a bar debt.)
Slowly, Travis quirked his head to the side, recognizing the voice and number of the Henchman. "21? That you, man?" Likewise, 21 also recognized Travis, sheathing his extended blades.
"Travis!" 21 exclaimed, a look of surprise and joy evident on his face. "Good to see you again!" The two geeks put their weapons away, chatting like longtime friends. "Haven't seen you at the past couple of Universal Geek Culture meetings, dude."
"Yeah, been busy with work." Travis said, rubbing the back of his head. "Y'know, cutting fuckers' heads off, making the universes a better place for assholes everywhere. Still working for the Monarch, I see."
"Yeah, I tried the whole SPHINX thing for a bit," 21 explained. "But being a Henchman is my true calling. Plus, life insurance here is great." The two shared a chuckle for a moment, before immediately remembering why they were here, taking up combat stances once more. "So… You're tearing up the Cocoon?"
"Me and my buddies are, yeah." Travis said, the green blade glistening off his sunglasses. "They're kicking your boss' ass right now and I'm going to shut this flying piece of crap down. Even if I have to carve it like a pumpkin."
"It's 'my buddies and I', dude." 21 corrected. Travis stifled a chuckle. "And you know I can't let you do that, Travis." The large Henchman flicked his wrists, extending the sharp blades and scraping them against each other, showering sparks onto the floor. "So let's just cut to the chase and duel here."
"Um… Beam katana, man." Travis pointed out. 21 smirked, flicking his wrists once more, this time causing a pair bright orange beams to extend twice the length of the original blades. "That'll do it."
"It gets worse." 21 chuckled, raising his arms above his head. The orange wings began flapping aggressively, kicking dust in Travis' face and propelling 21 higher into the air. As soon as the Henchman was high enough, 21 aimed his hands at Travis, and the No More Hero was now just aware of the large barrels mounted on both sides of the elite Henchman's forearms.
"Oh fuck me." Travis muttered.
(Rick and Slick: NERD FIGHT! NERD FIGHT! NERD FIGHT!)
Travis Touchdown vs. Henchman 21
FIGHT!
*Recommended Music: The Hex Core by Pentakill*
Two bright bolts blasted from 21's wrists, propelling rapidly towards Travis at dangerous speeds. Quickly taking to his feet, Travis dodged the attack, the bolts tearing into the ground and leaving behind large scorch marks.
"Covenant tech," 21 remarked. "Repurposed from the same stuff those aliens use in their Energy Swords and their Plasma Pistols!" 21 fired again, the bolts blasting through the air, but Travis dodged them yet again. Growling in defiance, Travis raised his beam katana in a defensive position. Another shot was fired, the bolts about the size of an American Football, but this time Travis didn't dodge, but instead returned to sender. The instant the bolt struck the beam katana, Travis swung his blade in a return volley, rebounding back towards the flying Henchman. Not expecting the sudden attack, 21 was struck by his own attack, disorienting him and pulling him closer to the ground.
"Fifteen love!" Travis laughed, twirling his beam katana. Growling, 21 rose to the skies again, charging up another shot. Twin bolts erupted from the Henchman's wrists, spiraling towards the assassin rapidly. Travis responded curtly with another swing, returning the blast right back towards 21. 21, however, expected such, and swung both his blades at his own projectile, sending it back towards Travis. The two began an intense match of Dead Man's Volley, bouncing the projectile attack back and forth until the other would break. With every strike, the bolt moved faster and faster, rebounding off the energy weapons at insane speeds to the point neither Travis nor Henchman 21 could keep up. Travis' speed and strength prevailed in the end, as one last swing sent the bolt sailing through the air, striking one of 21's wings, setting the orange device aflame.
"Hot! Hot!" 21 exclaimed, trying to pat out the flames to no avail. The damage had been done, and with 21's wings damaged, the large Henchman couldn't keep himself airborne. Like tragedy at an airshow, 21 plummeted out of the air, smoke trailing behind him in a spiral, and crashed into a stack of boxes. "Ooh… This is gonna be hell to clean up."
"Want me to lend a hand?" Travis mockingly asked. "I'm already mopping the floor with you, anyway." Enraged, 21 burst from the box pile and swung his wrist blades full force at Travis, the No More Hero barely having enough time to brace himself for the attack. The two clashed blades, Travis' Tsubaki Mk. III locked between the crossed wrist-blades, sparks from the two weapons littering the floor. Drowning out the grunts between the two were explosions from above that rocked the Cocoon, an epic battle ongoing between the other members of Heart of Steel and the Monarch, and only those there could witness the spectacular battle.
Editor's Note: This chapter has been rewritten with Announcer Commentary, the error has been rectified and the idiot who forgot to write this was properly chastised and beaten with a shovel. ~IDA Chief Editor Jasper T. Critic