The Music Or The Misery
Just when Lucas thought the ground underneath was going to split open and swallow him whole, he found himself lifted up to heaven when he saw Pete's body tense, from words he hadn't heard but Peyton definitely had said.
Lucas had been watching the whole thing between Peyton and Pete from the hallway. Peyton hadn't closed of the door fully so he still had an opportunity to see what was happening in there.
Not like he was 'that' kind of guy, but when Peyton went in, he had wanted to make sure she was alright. When he had looked inside, he had found her all stiff and Pete was there too. When he sensed that it wasn't going to end up just fine, he had decided to stay and watch what happened, even though his heart pounded in his throat and he got all sweaty and shaky.
He had forced himself to watch as Pete kissed her and she had responded. Forced himself to watch them end up on the bed, as they were getting so close to do what Lucas never had done with her. He had stood there, forcing himself to stay and watch as she broke his heart with each caress of Pete. How she subconsciously shut Lucas' love out her life by taking in the lover she had told 'goodbye' just one day ago.
By now she made her way out from under Pete, who was leaning over her but didn't take any action. Her actions were nervous and shaky as she grabbed her pink tank top from the floor. Lucas was just quick enough to run into his room and fall onto his bed before Peyton knocked on the door. Not waiting for an answer, she stormed in.
"Hey girl!" Lucas said and stood up. "Are you okay?"
She tried to answer but nothing came out, she shook her head and Lucas let her step into his open arms. He soothingly stroked her back, while she shivered against him. After a while her crying halted a little, now it was only quiet sobs against his broad chest.
Her arms snaked around his, burying her long fingers into his black tee after dropping her pink tank top by their feet. She inhaled his smell, and it calmed her, the familiar feeling his closeness brought her relief. His soft fingertips ran over the bare skin of her lower back, pulling her even closer to him, letting her know that he was there.
"Do you want to sit down?" He softly asked while looking her up and down, whilst receiving a slight nod.
Gently he took her hand and led her to the bed. He sat down in front of her, trying to find a connection with her green teary eyes.
"Peyton" he said softly, taking her hands, which lay on her knees, in his. "What happened?" He asked, seeing how the silent tears rolled down her cheeks and fell onto her trousers. She looked down at the boy in front of her, who sitting on the floor before the bed, who looked on caringly.
She wanted to speak, but nothing came out. Only another sob followed.
"What's up, you were fine just minute's ago" he added. He wanted to hear the words to explain what he saw. Hoping she could give him a good reason for it. That it would mend his broken heart again, if that was even possible.
"When I came into the room" she sniffed, "Pete was there and he began talking to me." She rubbed the tears out of her eyes. "He said he wasn't mad or anything and he began to touch me and kiss me." Lucas really didn't want to hear about that part, he saw it play out before his eyes. Every touch of Pete's she answered made him sick. But she was talking about 'not being mad'. He couldn't figure it out, so he decided not to interrupt her.
"But I couldn't Lucas let him in again. I told him I want a divorce." She stumbled, as a few tears escaped. Lucas thought his heart had exploded with happiness. He had to control himself so badly, all he wanted was to jump up and hug her and kiss her.
This was it, this … those few words, it was everything he had needed to hear for months, years. She would be his, after all this time, she finally could become his. Only for him, he would be able to introduce her as: 'Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer, my girlfriend and hopefully soon to be wife.'
Her quiet sobs brought him back to reality and he saw Peyton sitting there, on the edge of his bed, crying over what brought him happiness. He couldn't help but feel a little guilty himself. Lucas also realised that his goal maybe was further away than it had seemed in his first reaction, just moments ago.
Lucas was himself more than aware of the amount of time it would take Peyton to heal this new and painful wound. The enormous scar it would leave on her soul, a new companion for all the others. He had stood beside her when she lost Jake, when he walked away from them. He had been there when Ellie died. Every single other time that things went awfully wrong in her life since they had met, he had been there. And this … this was just another time when everything dived off the cliff.
But this wasn't 'just another time', because Pete has had so much influence on her life. He was the one who had been able to pull her away from her hometown, all her friends and the little of family she had. Tore her away from her life, he had said to her 'come to Chicago to be with me' and she had taken that opportunity with both hands, and clung onto it. He has asked her 'Peyton Sawyer, will you marry me?' and she had said 'yes Pete Wentz, I will marry you'. She had been expecting his daughter, their own flesh and blood, Roxanne, before she was abruptly taken away from them. She was preparing herself to be a real family in a dangerous and complicated world like the one she was living in. She was willing to put herself out there and scream 'Here I am love it or hate it'. This entire time she had been willing to do anything for him, but not anymore. She had had enough, she wanted to get away from all this, and she wanted to go home again, wherever that may be.
Lucas knew that Peyton would need time to get through this before she could and would open herself again to the possibility of love. Lucas began to wonder if he still had that kind of time. Her healing process would be so torturously slow, the best example was her death of her first mother. How long would she need to get over this?
Lucas stirred from his thoughts when he saw Peyton slowly lean forwards, fortunately he got up just in time to prevent her from falling forwards. From her light, cute snoring he knew she had just fallen asleep and hadn't passed out or anything.
Very carefully, he lifted her off the edge of the bed and laid her down again after making her more comfortable. He turned away to pull off his black tee so he could change into some pyjamas. It was at that moment. Peyton decided to wake up from her shallow slumber, realising something around her had changed. She opened her green eyes and was greeted by Lucas' muscular back. Almost immediately she could feel her body react in a subtle way. She groaned out when she felt her cheeks became a little red by the lazy memories from her and Lucas' short but heated romance.
Lucas heard her and turned around, giving her eyes full access to admire his muscular chest and abdomen. "You're awake?" He asked while stroking a hand through his soft hair.
"Yeah, but what am I doing in your bed?" She asked sleepily.
"You just fell asleep." He answered warmly. "Should I 'escort' you to your room?" He said and offered her his hand as invitation.
"Luke, can I sleep here tonight? I don't want to be alone after what happened. I don't think I would be able to sleep with Pete in the room next to me. I …" Lucas smiled and understood her. Gently he cut her off, not wanting to make her feel even more uncomfortable as she tried to find the right words.
"It's okay, you can stay."
Lucas went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and gave Peyton his green Dashboard Confessional shirt to her so she could sleep in that. She had made clear she didn't want to go back to her room anytime soon. He swiftly changed into his pyjamas. He had decided that if he wanted Peyton by his side sooner, then he had to use this evening to his advantage. He put on some old blue sweatpants and didn't wear a tee above it, leaving his muscular torso exposed to her green eyes. After she also brushed her teeth and removed her ruined make up, they crawled under the soft sheets together.
Lucas placed her arms around her and was glad she didn't fight it. He smiled into her blond curly hair before whispering 'goodnight'. It didn't even take them ten minutes to fall asleep.
An unpleasant but familiar sound woke Lucas up. It was somewhere just past 4 am, and his cell phone was begging for his attention. He grabbed it from the nightstand before it could wake Peyton, who was already stirring slightly against him. "This better be someone who's telling me I won the lottery", Lucas groaned into his phone when he shifted to sit up. The answer he got was overwhelming.
"Come back home Lucas", his mother's teary voice rung in his ears.
"Mom?" He asked, still sleepy, rubbing his blue eyes.
"I miss you so much. Come back, Lily is killing me. I can't do this anymore without you" She sobbed.
Carefully Lucas got out the bed. "Calm down mom." He said and sat down on a chair. "Tell me very slowly what's going on?" He heard his mother sob on the other end of the call.
"Lily, she's getting to be too hard to handle. She won't eat, she won't sleep, and she doesn't say a word anymore. All she does is pout, cry, scream, and beg for you Lucas." He heard the desperation in her voice. "Come home Luke, this is horrible, I miss you so much." He could feel and hear the hope in his mother's voice.
"Mom …" Lucas wanted to say something, but Karen was swifter.
"She even sleeps with a broken frame in her bed Lucas." He felt like someone poured a bucket filled with ice over him.
"What?" It was the only thing he could bring out.
"A few days ago I was walking through the house with her in my arms and I was looking at the pictures on the fireplace, and she pulled at one of them. You know the one of you at the Rivercourt during the summer, with the sunset in the background. It fell and the glass shattered, and when I wanted to pick it up, Lily wriggled so hard that I dropped her a little. She immediately grasped for the frame but cut herself with the glass. It was bleeding pretty badly but she didn't want to let it go. I had to call Haley to nurse Lily's hand because I cut mine too while I was cleaning up the glass. Since then she keeps holding onto that frame Luke. I can't take it away from her because then she totally loses it. It's heartbreaking, you have to came back home. I don't know how much longer I can do this without you." She sobbed. Lucas tried to process the abundance of information from his mother as fast as possible and was trying to figure a few things out, but his mom didn't give him any chance. "Tree Hill isn't the same without you. Everyone misses you. Your boss called me today to ask how much more time you needed, because he's considering finding someone new for your job. Lucas, are you still there?"
Lucas sighed and tried to think. His mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour. "Yes." He whispered, and then he heard Lily's crying in the background, her faint voice screaming out
"Luc-as", and that was it for him, he knew he had to go back home, to his mom and Lily, to all his friends.
"Mom, I promise, I'll be with you soon." He said before hanging up. Lucas immediately got up and walked to his closet, he quickly began to pack his stuff.
Peyton woke up by all the noises in the room. When she opened her eyes, they instantly saw the suitcase. "Luke, what are you doing?" Her voice was barely there.
"I am going home" he said. When he turned around to face her, his blue eyes were so sad.
"What?"
"My mom just called. Lily is getting to be too much for her. She can't handle her alone anymore. I need to go back home." He said while he pulled a bright green polo with narrow white strips over his head, and he already had a pair of jeans on.
Peyton needed time to work this out in her mind. To place it, to imagine it and apparently she took a lot of time thinking about it because when she focused back on the closet door, Lucas wasn't there anymore. He stood in the doorway, looking extremely sad.
"Luke?" Her voice came out weakly.
"I have to go Peyton." He said, his heart breaking as he looked at her sitting on his bed, looking so vulnerable.
"But …" Her voice faded with the realization that he was going to walk through that door and leave her there.
"My mom is asking me to come home Peyton. It's been too long, I have to go back. I don't want Lily to hurt herself and my mom when I could have prevented it."
The look that Lucas' his blue eyes were giving her, could, in her mind, be described perfectly by the words of Jimmy Eat World's 'Kill'.
As it was nothing, she could feel the words take hold in her head, letting the music fill it, letting the words come out and dive into his amazing eyes. Peyton's heart began to pound as she looked intensely into his two ocean eyes. She held her breath as she felt the words wrap an anonymous feeling around her.
So go on, love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
And so much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you
And I should have said it
But tell me
Just what has it ever meant?
"I am sorry Peyton." Lucas whispered while nearing her for the final time. He leaned down, their foreheads met while his strong hands found their place on her shoulders, as their eyes got lost in each other. Very softly, Lucas pressed his lips just beside hers.
"Goodbye Peyton." He said and laid his hand over her heart, like he wanted to make sure it was still beating. It was, at a hundred miles an hour, just under his fingertips.
Lucas looked back at her one final time before shutting the door, leaving her there alone in what had been his room for months. Peyton felt strangely lost, it was as if she couldn't place her feelings anymore. Tears threatened to fall all this sudden, stemming from the unexpected confusion and loss.
It was then that she remembered the song that was so forcefully the continuing in her head. Without any announcement, her body got up and flew through the door. Her feet were keeping a pace that matched her racing heart. As if it were a movie, the elevator doors opened just in time to let her in, as her breathing quickened as the elevator went down. She hurried across the floor. Her heart tumbled as she saw Lucas standing there in the darkness of night. She felt the coldness of the dark rush around her when she stood there with only his tee to cover her body.
Lucas turned his head and the look in his blue eyes screamed an apology:
I can't help it baby
This is who I am
Sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me
You build me up but just to watch me break
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away
"Lucas, what if I asked you to stay?"