-A/N: Hey ... okay, I deserve all the shouting, cursing and all the things you might probably want to do to me for not updating since September. I am awful, you don't have to tell me. You can't imagine how bad I have been feeling about that. I know it took me an eternity. But I kind of have a few explanations, normally I catch up during breaks. But this Autumn break I decided to work on a writing project outside FanFiction, plus school has been horrible. And I have bad news, I have exams in less than two weeks so writing won't be going easy than and also I plan to take another week 'off' FF during Christmas break for my other writing project. But good news, only 1 week, because two weeks would ruin my FF. And I am planning on writing 2 or 3 one-shots too. Or I hope I'll have the time and inspiration. But enough of my babbling, I hope a more than 10 000 words chapter makes up for my long abscene. For the Heartbeats fans, it's the next story to be updated, and it will be smutty, lol! Which reminds me, kind of M-rated thing in the end. Enjoy, hopefully, I hope it's doable since it's not beta-ed, sorry. Still hope you'll enjoy.-
This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race
The sun was rising above Tree Hill, North Carolina. Rising in a slow and thoughtful pace. The first rays falling upon the earth, coating nature and whatever was build by men into a yellow glow. It wrenched itself through every crack, through every gap.
The early light was peeking through the curtains of Scott residence, awaking everything and everyone who wanted to be awakened.
Or didn't have another choice than to be awoken, like Peyton Sawyer.
The young blonde had been awoken even before dawn. She was awaked by an empty feeling filling her stomach. It had been still dark then, when she first closed her eyes. The exhaustion had worn off, but only the physical, the mental one hit harder than ever.
She felt empty but heavy; she couldn't move but couldn't bear to lay still in silence. But for some sort of reason, the darkness was like a medicine. But now that same darkness was sucked out of the room by the sunrays, and the same sunrays sucked the soothing effect of her 'medicine' out of her.
Everything that the darkness had hidden was now being exposed. And if anyone would peak two the window, he or she would see nothing more than two blonds lying in one bed in a simple bedroom. Nothing more, nothing less.
And it should be nothing more, nothing less. Nothing should be more comforting as the sound of his heart thumping against his chest, echoing in her ear. Not should be more a cure of comfort than to be home, finally, home where she belonged. But in truth, this everything that should her make her feel complete, left her as empty as the bottles of champagne in the kitchen.
She didn't have a clue why she was feeling this way. And that fact, she hated with almost everything in her. Almost everything. Somewhere between the emptiness of her feelings, somewhere between her hate for it, was a small gap. A gap that was filling with realisation, the result of the inner search for her emptiness, the subconsciously search she didn't want.
The realisation for the cause of her empty 'disease'. A disease with symptoms outing in being afraid. Afraid of making the wrong choice, or having made the wrong choices. And that fear was eating her inside out. She hated, god, she hated it. She needed them to get away. Vanish, in some way. But Lucas' heartbeat wasn't helping, only intensifying her resurfacing fears.
The sun began to shine brighter; the rays made some other shadows fade away. Just like her fears were supposed to fade away by Lucas' presence. And in a beat, she was out of bed and standing in front of the window. Welcoming the sun, the early rays of light, made warmth radiate lightly from the glass. Peyton closed her hazel eyes from the world, and her fears were put in the dark and the unseen light burned them up.
While standing there, in her own darkness, surrounded by sunlight, she reflected on the last twenty-four hours that had passed in her life. This crucial twenty-four, that changed everything, almost comparable with the first twenty-four hours after a person who had fallen into a life-threatening state after an accident.
Maybe it wasn't the same, but somehow it was. The realisation that she didn't love Pete anymore was the accident, the life-threatening state were the choices she made since than and especially yesterday.
They began to spin in her head, the events that had occupied the past hours. They caused a whirlwind in her head, the first love-making with Lucas, the divorce, the goodbyes, the flight to Tree Hill, coming home, reconnecting with her old friends, the first night in back in Tree Hill.
A chill made goosebumps rise on her skin when her mind rushed of to last night in full speed. Even through she felt like her mind was rushing and spinning, but that her memory only wandered in a slow pace. Lucas and she had fallen into bed yesterday, or rather say today, after everyone had left. Once they had hit the mattress, into each others arms, more than some kissing and cuddling, abided by what started in Lily's room, hadn't happened. Exhaustion had overmastered them earlier than passion.
Their passion. Only the slightest recall, made shivers run through her body. She felt so suddenly chilly; a cold sweat coated her skin. Her eyes snapped open as she turned around, her eyes greeting what she intended to see, their unpacked suitcases and bags.
Without trying to make to much noise, she went over to them and slowly unzipped valise. She lifted the lid and her eye caught the side of her white satin bathrobe, nearly on the bottom. Peyton suppressed the upcoming groan, she knew if she would try to get it, she probably would mess up the other cloths or make such a noise she would wake Lucas up, which at this moment, she couldn't bear.
A shiver made her body spasm lightly. She needed to find some warm, comfortable garment quickly before she would freeze by the sudden cold that wrapped around him. It was in the same moment when that thought crossed her mind that her eyes fell on the shirt that Lucas had been wearing yesterday. It had been carelessly tossed onto their bags yesterday while undressing in the dark yesterday, too exhausted to leave their cloths in a proper state.
Her hand reached out for the material that felt familiar under her fingertips. When she lifted it up, the sleeve seemed to be stuck somewhere. Carefully she toed closer to the bag, trying not to trip over the other ones. It didn't take her ten seconds to find out that the sleeve was stuck between the zipper. Even more cautiously she removed the blue shirt from it, she knew how attached he was to certain garments. After she freed it from the nasty grip from the zipper, she putted it on. The familiarity of the material against her skin was a as the caress of her lover's hands, the vague smell nestling in her nose was overwhelming her like the closeness needed to take it in, it felt like the intimacy needed for kisses. She contently closed her hazel eyes again.
Why is it so hard? She wondered. Why is it so hard to, almost unbearable, to think about Lucas being awake, here and now next to her. And why is it so easy to put on his cloths and imagine all the things she feared he would do.
She was about to zip the bag up again when a folded paper demanded her attention. Her hand grab for it, assuming it was the paper with the 'Hey There Lily' lyrics on it. She would highly enjoy revisiting the memories of the first night she read it. Strangely enough, since it was the night she had rediscovered her love for Lucas Scott.
Peyton unfolded it neatly, expecting those beautiful words for his precious sister wrapped in the melody of a 'Plain White T's' song. But the first words weren't 'Hey There Lily' but 'I long for:' and when her hazel eyes flew over the rest of paper filled with lines written in his gracious handwriting, she felt herself becoming numb.
A purr rose up from the bed. A content noise, after a sublime night of sleep. Not that his nights in Chicago hadn't been good, the thick, new mattress had been like a charger of his battery. But a night of sleep in his own bed, a bed that had already adjusted to his shape and his weight, had already his personal imprint. Nothing was better than sleeping in a bed that was almost a part of you. But the most important reason of his sublime sleep was the partner that shared his bed, the love of his life.
The woman he found not beside him, like he had assumed, when he opened his blue eyes. No, he found her sitting on the floor, against a blue wall of his bedroom.
He was too blinded with happiness when he saw her wearing his shirt that he didn't see the blank expression on her face.
"Did I sleep so vividly that I scared you out of bed?" He asked in a still lazy voice while crawling out of bed, planting his feet on the floor. "I am not really used to sleep with someone else in bed, especially not my bed." He said while smiling and he walked up to her. "But that's going to change now, I assume, with a beautiful woman next to me."
When no response followed, he finally snapped out of his babbling.
"Peyton?" Looking down at his girlfriend. Her face was hidden away behind a bunch of blonde waves. Her fingers had a tight grip on a piece of paper.
"Blondie?" He said while squatting down to meet her level. His hand reached out and brushed away a few wavy wisps away to free her hazel eyes from their shelter. Her breathtaking green with brown mixed orbs were suddenly empty. His fingers travelled lower to cub her cheek and his thumb gently grazed over her soft lips. Her eyes found his and than found the paper again. Also Lucas' gaze stumbled down, words in his handwriting danced before his eyes.
"What does this mean?" Peyton asked timidly and puzzled.
Finally the words began to drip into his mind. She was holding his 'longings' list. For a second his heart skipped a beat.
What was it with this girl? That she always managed to take him off guard by his own stuff.
"It's-" He got interrupted.
"When did you write it?" She asked on a whisper tone, which made Lucas feel very uncomfortable inside.
"I-I-" Lucas began to stumble. He hadn't planned to wake up this morning to be questioned about the longings he had had for a married woman. He had planned to wake up beside the same said woman, but with much more pleasured activities in mind. But it couldn't be helped anymore, right?
Her lower lip was slightly trembling and her eyes where wide. Preferably would rip the sheet of white paper to tiny pieces, erase whatever she had read, whatever he had written and kiss her until she was senseless. Even through, a different senseless than now. Senseless but full, with a warm feeling, not senseless empty, actually numb.
"Why did you write it?" Her little voice wrapped around him again.
If he could only rip that paper to shreds, that thought tempted his thinking. But looking into her wide hazel eyes, looking at him if he was the king with a word that could destroy it all. Everything of her reflecting through the hazel of her eyes.
Even through lies and false answers could save her, save him. Save everything. Lucas Scott had promised himself not to lie anymore to Peyton Sawyer. That he would be always honest when it came to her, how joyful or hard it might turn out to be. But a relationship should not be built on lies, Lucas and also Peyton knew from the past.
A sting of hurt, like someone trailed a knife over his skin, overflowed Lucas' senses. Just the way he looked at her, could have made him cry.
Why were they never simple?
But a promise is a promise, even only to himself. A promise he had to keep, for more people than only himself. So time to put this into the daylight. One deep breath was just what he needed before throwing it all out.
While his chest swelled up, something flashed through Peyton's eyes.
"I wrote it when you and-" A suddenly her finger was on his lips, her eyes telling him not to speak.
"Peyton?" His mouth softly moved against her slender finger. But she just simply shook her head to keep him surrounded by silence.
But Lucas was determined to speak his truth. Because they both deserved to know.
"Peyton-"
"I want to be Lucas." The words simply fell off her satin lips.
He was purely amazed by her words, only five easy words but still his mind went in overdrive, what she meant was so close he could grasp them from their wires of love, but for some sort of reason ended up the whirlwind that was caused by his hyper-awareness of every feeling, every movement.
The confusion must have been written in his crystal blue eyes because Peyton's eyes grew warm and a smile tucked gently on the corners of her perfect deep pink lips.
"I want to be what you long for. I want to be who you long for." She very softly said, like her voice was made of soft feathers.
"P-" This time she didn't allow him to pronounce more than the first vowel of her name.
"I want Lucas. I really want to be 'she', Lucas Scott." Her voice made him soar inside, made an explosion of warmth relive the ashes.
Her both hands cupped his face and her fingers, her thumbs ran over his full lips. The sensations over her soft fingertips against his even softer lips. Her eyes gazed intensely into his. Almost like if it was in slow-motion, she brought her head closer to his, her eyes slightly closing, her lips preparing, and her heartbeat on its way to a peak.
Finally their lips met, in a slow and adoring kiss. His lips gently, still slight anxious parted under the pressure of hers. Her thumbs running over his cheekbones at the same moment when her tongue sneaked into the warm depths of his mouth. The moment their tongues met, the grip of her hands on his face weakened until they disappeared from his cheeks. They travelled over his neck, to fall upon his broad shoulders to than venture lower, hugging the feel of the muscles of his arms. Eventually they passed his wrists and then her fingers caught his. He didn't show any sign of effort when their hands entangled and she brought both of them up between their bodies. Between the rising and falling chests. Because he knew there was no need to worry anymore, that she was fine, that he wasn't the king who destroyed her everything but who made her everything. He was sure of that, when the only thing separated the chest which were the home were their lively, beating hearths were their entangled hands.
Their need to breathe made them break their, stuffed with more feelings than words could ever describe, kiss. She looked shyly at him, a soft pink blush rose on her cheeks. Her gaze searched for the ground, and Lucas saw the foolish timidity that sometimes still overmastered her. Softly he squeezed her hands and her gaze immediately flew back to his. The smile on her face encouraged by his. A soft kiss was planted on her forehead by his. And the tender smile transformed into a typical Lucas Scott smirk.
He leaded his lady to the bed and let her sit down on the tangled sheets before squatting down to pick up the sheet of paper which had fallen down during their kiss.
Lucas crawled in right next to her, swinging his left arm around her fragile shoulders. "Let's find out how much of the 'she' you already are." He whispered those words softly in her ear. She simply smiled. Lucas left her for a second, to pick up the silver Parker that lay on his desk before returning.
The paper lay smoothed right in front of them, they shared one last look before their attention went to the paper.
With a movement, almost as light as the air, Lucas began to cross lines.
- Peyton to be next to me
- Peyton to be back in Tree Hill
- Peyton to open her eyes and return to me
Those longings had already been fulfilled. But so many more were yet to be fulfilled.
Lucas took the sheet of paper and putted it on his beside table; also the Parker was abounded to the same place. He gained a rather confused look from Peyton when she felt his arm slip from around his shoulder until it wasn't there anymore and she very softly fell back into the mattress. Lucas followed soon after her, but bracing his arms so he wouldn't collide with her.
Gentle looks were exchanged between the blue and green eyes. A tender urge overtook them both again, without a word needing to be said, Peyton arched herself from the bed softly while Lucas bended his arms to let their lips meet in a kiss. Just one kiss, just one meeting from their lips while their eyes were closed.
"I guess where going to do some family visits today." Lucas mumbled when he hovered above his favourite blonde. She nodded with a blush colouring her cheeks.
They were ready to repeat their last actions again until they were abruptly interrupted by a faint cry across the hallway.
"But this family first." Peyton said and Lucas smiled until behind his ears.
"You're right." He said while caressing her cheek lightly, for one last she pushed herself up to kiss Lucas on the lips.
In less than a minute both blonds were down the hallway into Lily's room. The little brunette was already wide awake; her eyes had the childish dreamy look in her eyes. A blissful look which intensified when her big brother came into her view.
"Who's the sweetest girl on this whole blue planet?" Lucas cooed while reaching his hands out to his baby sister. She giggled from the first moment his fingertips touched her.
"What about me? I thought I was the sweetest girl?" Peyton asked with a played hurt. Her hand flying out to cover her heart dramatically, but in the meantime a wide grin had appeared on her face.
Lucas couldn't help but to smile even wider. With his sister safely nestled in his arms, he walked over to his girlfriend.
"You two share the number one position." He spoke while swinging his right arm around her waist and his left arm supported Lily.
"Don't forget that." She teased, evoking a kiss from Lucas. A tender kiss which made them both feel warm, happy. It was broken by the sensation of a light touch that travelled over the skin of their chins. They both looked down to find Lily clapping in her hands, or what at least should represent it.
Another explosion of warmth made their hearts sore. The 'approval' of his little sister, her way to tell them she 'blessed' them.
"Hold her for a sec. I am going to get her cloths." Lucas said while handing over his sister over to Peyton who accepted her with shaking hands and anxious movements. Lucas noticed her uneasiness and gently let his fingers trail over her arm. "You're not going to break her." He simply said. Peyton just nodded with a faint smile across her lips, still adjusting to the little brunette in her arms.
It seemed like the blonde needed more to time adjust to the little girl, than the little girl to the blonde. She looked perfectly content while she buried her face in the crook of Peyton's neck and her little hands gently tucked on the blonde wisps of her soft hair while mumbling unintelligible words against her skin.
From the one moment to the other, something strange seemed to happen with her senses. While everything around her grew into a blur; the room and the noises. On the opposite side they seemed too intensely. The sweet smell of Lily's hair, the comfortable weight of the little human against her, the vibe her childish voice created against the skin of her neck. And her mind stop to progress anything else than the girl in her arms and the girl that should have been in her arms right now.
A girl that was now resting underneath a layer of stone, gross and sand, in a city miles or kilometres away, whatever you like the express the distance in. A city that was separated from this little town in time even. A city where morning, noon and evening were not at the same time as in this little town.
Peyton didn't even hear him calling out for her, not until his fingertips touched her cheek lightly.
"Are you okay?" He asked, an evident layer of worry in his voice. Without thinking, she nodded and her blonde hair bounced with the movement.
"No, you're not. You're crying." He stated in a mildly stern tone.
Peyton hadn't noticed it herself until she brushed her free hand that wasn't supporting Lily against her cheekbones which where definitely moist.
"What are you thinking about?" His hand brushed the blond hair away that was shielding her eyes away from him as she slightly bowed her head. She found Lily staring at her with wide brown eyes and thereafter her green gaze collided with his blue gaze as the same strong hand cupped her face. Those Scott eyes, they always overmastered her to tell the truth.
"Roxanne." Her voice filled the air.
A strangled glaze travelled through Lucas' eyes, somehow taken back by her answer to his question.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Not now." She answered him.
He decided to not deepen into the conversation at this moment; instead he just pressed a kiss to her forehead.
He decided to go back to the task why there were here.
"Which dress should she wear?" Lucas asked while returning to closet and picked out two dresses. A sleeveless red dress with a wide white border or a pink dress with a black skirt which was dotted with pink and white.
"The red one. It goes better with her hair." Peyton said while looking down at the little girl in her arms. "I don't want her to kill me for picking her the wrong dress."
"It's not her prom dress Peyton." Lucas said with a furrowed brow.
"Well, I don't ever think she would forgive you if you picked the wrong prom dress for her. And even less me." She simply answered.
Lucas wanted to ask if she really thought if they still would be together when time had moved on to Lily's prom, which at this moment, seemed like forever away. But he decided not to. He believed they would be together, against all other hesitant thought. It didn't mean because you couldn't picture, it couldn't be right?
Inwardly he crossed: - Peyton to love Lily like her sister or like her daughter, to be a big part of my little sister's life.
Love her like a daughter was too much to asked, but Peyton would love his little sister like if it was her own sister, she knew, and from today on, she would be a big part of the brunette's life. He knew that too.
Another hour later, Peyton found herself sitting on a messy kitchen table after breakfast. Lucas had disappeared again with Lily to give her bath and dress her up. He hadn't done that in such a long time, Peyton couldn't blame him; he loved his sister more than anything else. She didn't want to imagine how much he had missed her while being away from her. If it was anywhere near as unbearable as she experienced when she missed her daughter ...
"He's totally smitten about her." Karen interrupted Peyton's thinking, her head snapped up to the elder woman standing in the doorway.
Peyton just simply smiled. "That's an understatement." She added.
An uncomfortable silence sneaked into the room. Peyton knew Karen mean this to start a casual conversation. But they both knew something else was bothering them. Maybe not really bothering, but something that needed to get of their hearts first, before they could get into the casual talking state.
The elder brunette was aware of that and decided to take place at the table to. The anxious silence stretched further. Peyton decided was about to throw everything out when Karen had just decided to say the first thing to get Peyton out of her nerves. Nervous smiles were exchanged, as well as nervy looks. Also a silent agreement for Peyton to start.
"I really love him, you know?" She blurred out. Encouraged by the second of silence she babbled further. "I know it seems so sudden, and so ungrateful and not true. That he's just some rebound from my divorce with Pete and from losing R-"
"Sshh." Karen cut her off gently. "You don't have to explain." The mother of the boy they were talking about knew everything about dead loves and rebounding, about burying feelings, playing denial. She had all been there before. Her girlfriend's son didn't need to explain.
"But-"
"Nothing but Peyton. I believe in Lucas and his heart which claims to love you. A broken heart that claims that loves you from the first moment he laid eyes on you back in high school." The way she had stressed the word 'broken' made Peyton feel guilty inside. Her eyes moistened and she bit up her lips.
"I am not saying you don't love him." Karen said when she saw the girl before her grow emotional. "But I am sure you understand my sceptical thinking. But I believe in Lucas' ability to see what's good for him before I believe in the steadiness of your feelings." Her hands crept over the table, towards the ones of the younger lady and covered them. The hazel eyes that had been focused on the table now looked into the eyes of a caring mother.
"I raised Lucas, and I know he is capable of making the right choices, even when it hurts. Even when he feels like the ground underneath him is slipping away. I know he's capable of letting go what he loves the most if he has too. And I know you are capable to, because what you left behind is a big deal. And you earn my respect for that. I am wondering who raised you to become such a strong woman. Because I believe you raised yourself for the biggest part. And I am not attacking your parents, not Larry, not Anna, not Ellie. Because they all did a part of the job but we can't lie Peyton, you became yourself because you knew how to raise yourself. I couldn't have done a better job. But I hope you'll let me slip into a role where I can still somehow 'raise' you. Do ever hesitate to ask me anything, because I want to be a person you never had. And I hope you'll allow me to become that person."
The speech had moistened Peyton's eyes even more. A small tear slipped from the corner of her eye.
"Thank you." She simply whispered. "Thank you."
Lucas had overheard the conversation in the hallway. Not that he was a person who enjoyed eavesdropping, but he knew if he would have walked in on them, they were not going to have that conversation soon.
-Peyton to accept my mother again and give my mother the change to replace her loss from her own two mothers … was now erased from the list too.
"They have such a beautiful house." Peyton said in astonishment, looking up at the house that was owned by her ex-boyfriend aka his half brother and her friend aka his sister in law and best friend.
Lucas and Peyton had decided to go visit Nathan and Haley. They had only seen them yesterday evening but Lucas and Peyton were aware of the talking that still needed to be done. Talking that hadn't been done yesterday. After visiting the Scott's they would visit Brooke and Chase, but they assumed they still would be asleep now at this rather early hour. Nathan and Haley wouldn't be, since they had a son named James 'Jamie' Lucas Scott.
The welcome both brunettes offered was warm and caring but the tension that build up as soon as they all sat down in the living room.
Neither Peyton nor Lucas didn't know how to bring up the subject of 'them', or her leaving, his staying away for so long. Neither Nathan felt like it was the right time to bring something huge like that up. That it was too early in the morning maybe wasn't the only reason.
So both couples preferred to inform each other about what happened in Tree Hill, in Chicago when they had been not together in the same state. Also old high school memories where being resurfaced until the phone interrupted them.
"I'll go get it." Haley said. Only a half minute later her voice carried through the room again. "Nathan, it's for you, it's Skills."
A new sort of silence fell over the four of them.
Nathan stood up and took the phone. "Hey Skills." He stopped talking for a moment, probably to let Skills greet him. "I'd love to catch up but would you mind calling me back tonight, Lucas and Peyton are over here." Some excited sound crept out of the phone, Nathan removed it from his ear quickly.
"Peyton, Skills want to talk to you." Peyton was surprised; she hadn't been that much of friends with him in high school, before she left. But talking to him wouldn't hurt right. She took the phone from Nathan and walked to the dining table, to be out of the direct distance of the three Scott's.
"Hi Skills." She said somehow shy and uncomfortable.
"Hello Blondie." He greeted back.
"Some little birdie just whispered in my ear that rock chick Sawyer finally found her roots back."
"If you like to call it that way." She couldn't help but smile.
"Or should I say that Luke finally found his guts and decided to bring his baby girl home."
Suddenly noise Peyton couldn't indentify travelled over the lines.
"As much as I would love to talk to you Blondie, my girl is convincing me to hand over the phone to her. And who is Skills to deny his sugar mommy anything when she's nothing more than white skin and lace."
By the time she could make herself a mental picture Bevin was already screaming in the receiver.
"Peyton! You're back home!"
"Yes, I am."
"I can't wait until I get back to Tree Hill so Brooke, Haley, you and I can relive our cheerleading days!"
Peyton smiled. "I am looking forward to it too." She said rather quietly but Bevin didn't notice.
"Skills says that he will call Lucas tonight or tomorrow, but we have to go now. Bye Peyton!"
"Bye Bevin."
And the line was dead.
The conversation that had developed between the three members of the Scott family shutdown the moment Peyton appeared again with the telephone in her hand.
She felt awkward when she sat down beside Lucas again and there was an unpredictable tension in the air when he wrapped his left arm around her side. It seemed that seconds were stretched into the longest minutes before someone decided to take the word again. That someone was Haley.
"I don't blame you, you know." Peyton didn't know what actually hit her.
"Peyton, as much as I would like to be angry at you for leaving us behind with so little information, so little of goodbye. Even through I have to admit that I have been angry, frustrated, hurt, and disappointed the last two years because of the way you left all of us. And all of us have felt that way. But you're back now, and I am pretty sure you'll stay." She paused for a slight second. "I really don't blame you Peyton because I realised something yesterday. I did the same, even before you." She said, referring to Chris Keller history. "But you did what I couldn't. And if I would have done what you did, I would need to be blamed, because I had someone to return to. I had more than my friends to return to; I had a husband to return after I ran off. You ran off and didn't come back because you had no-one but your friends to return to, and you found your husband when you ran away. So I don't blame you."
Peyton was aware of the uncomfortable movements of Nathan beside Haley. Chris Keller appeared to be a sore topic between them, still.
Soon goodbyes came. While Lucas and Haley were busy with hugging, Nathan approached Peyton.
"I am glad you're back Sawyer. Really glad. I really missed you." And he kissed her forehead before taking her into a tight embrace.
Later in the car, - Peyton to be best friends with Nathan Scott, Haley James Scott, Skills Taylor, Bevin Mirskey was scratched from the longings list to and they were off to their next destination: Brooke and Chase.
Once they go to the apartment and rang the ball, Chase opened the door, not wearing more than a pair of jeans. He let them in and took off to the bedroom again to go get Brooke. Lucas and Peyton both didn't want a mental picture of what the previous activities of the couple but they got it anyway when Brooke crossed the hallway wearing nothing more than siren red lingerie. Typical Brooke Davis, always one to show of what she got.
"What brings you guys here so early?" Chase asked, picking up the tee from behind the couch. Both blonds looked at each other and knew there was no need to ask him how it got there in the first place.
"Last time I checked it was noon." Lucas said while laughing lightly. Peyton stayed quiet, she didn't actually know what to say or do. Chase actually was still a stranger for her.
"I guess time flies when you're happy." Chase said while putting his tee on. And sure the boy was happy; an obvious hickey was parading on the broken skin of his neck.
"I bet you are." Lucas couldn't help but smirk. Chase noticed the other's boys eyes focus.
"Owh that?" He mumbled while blushing, he rubbed over the sore spot of broken skin. "That might have helped too." He admitted.
"Other reasons?" Lucas asked, knowing that Chase wasn't exactly the guy to talk about his sex life. Once a 'Clean Teen', always a 'Clean Teen'.
Chase leaned in further towards Lucas and Peyton, like he was about to spill a secret from his lips.
"I have been thinking about proposing to Brooke." He said softly, well aware of the fact she might be around and she might hear it if he mentioned it louder.
"What?" Both blonds said. "How come?" Lucas immediately added.
"You guys." The brunette only smiled at the pair of confused faces before him. "Knowing that you guys could make it. Which seemed like 'mission impossible IV' when you left Luke. And ever through we're still quiet young, you guys really got me thinking that maybe Brooke and I should take this to the next level."
"What should we take to the next level baby?" Brooke appeared in the living room, fully clothed with a scarf draped around her shoulders. Peyton inwardly took the hint and couldn't help but grin.
"Redecorating the apartment." Chase said quickly, hoping Brooke would leave it. And gladly for him she did.
"Peyton, can I talk to you for a sec?" Brooke turned all her attention to the blonde girl on her sofa.
"Off course." Nerves hit her, this time, a really big talk was coming up and she would have to do it without Lucas holding her hand.
She shot a quick wink to Chase when Brooke disappeared in the bedroom.
Also found a message in the wink noted for Brooke's boyfriend. - Peyton to meet Chase Adams and realise Brooke will never be a barrier between us and our love for each other again because my pretty girl has moved on with her new guy … clearly wasn't necessary on the list anymore.
As soon as Peyton closed the bedroom door, she was greeted by an extreme messy room. Cloths everywhere, like the closet had exploded. Again, she needed no explanation.
Brooke mentioned her to come over, patting on the bed she had hastily made decent.
Quietness connected both girls. A quietness that for years had always been filled with words. Until the blonde one had decided to run away, waiting more than two years to return and to know sit here.
"God, I missed you ." Brooke broke the silence with her emotional words and even more emotional hug that almost stole all of Peyton's air. Gratefully she hugged back, silently praying she didn't need to talk to her about this at all.
"God, why did you do this to me?"
Or maybe not.
"Hey." Peyton gently said, backing away slightly from the brunette to find her crying. "." She brushed the hair out of her friend's face.
"Why did you leave?" She sounded like a six year old again.
"Because of Pete and-" Peyton was abruptly cut off.
"Why did you leave me Peyton? Without saying anything as goodbye at all? Was I such a bad best friend?"
Peyton hadn't expected the emotional outburst at all. Brooke Davis wasn't really for tears.
"Off course you weren't." Peyton softly said while taking her best friend into her arms. "You were the best best friend ever." She said while slightly dragging Brooke against her. Without intervention of their minds, they fell into a past habit. Brooke nestled her head into Peyton's lap while lying down. The helpless tears wetted the blonde's azure halter top as she ran her fingers soothingly over the brown hair.
"Than why did you leave?" Brooke sobbed.
For a moment Peyton wished she could prevent this moment from happening. She was now ashamed about what she was going to say, because she knew it would only hurt the girl, she was trying to soothe, more.
"Because I felt like I didn't fit in anymore. I was lonely and confused and scared. After the shooting, I began to shut everyone out because I didn't know where my mind was. I was blinded by my misery and I was afraid of affecting all of you with it and all of you finally had found some sort of peace."
Brooke interrupted. "But why didn't you tell me that you were so unhappy."
"Because you had Lucas, Nathan had Haley, Skills and Bevin, even Mouth and Rachel looked so cosy together. And I lost my believe in love after Jake left. I didn't want to put unnecessary weight on your shoulders and the others. But then Pete came along and he made me feel good again, made me feel special and wild. He offered me the life I could only dream off."
Peyton looked down at the girl's face that was resting her head in her lap, hoping to find some understanding in the turbid eyes. But the eyes of the brunette didn't have an understanding, not even a glance of understanding only confusion and hurt.
"Brooke. I know I was a coward when I left for Pete. But-" She cut herself short for a moment to think about a way to explain this in a clear way but the blonde was aware of the fact that was not going to be easy.
"It was so simple to just walk away, take the plane, and meet Pete. My mind was so full, everything was new and exciting. Everything was taken care of. And-"
She looked at Brooke who begged her for other words.
"By the time all the excitement passed and I was kind of settled down. When I got the time to miss you. I was too afraid to get back in contact. I was afraid that I-"
"You hurt us." Brooke said quietly. "Because you did. You hurt each one of us by leaving that way but we all toughed up." She swallowed back a sob. "Even through it was hard, we all went further, living the best we could without you. Everyone, but-"
"Lucas." Peyton whispered in guilt. Now tears also stung behind her eyes.
"We saw him wilt like a flower." A moment of silence. "After you left. He had already changed after the shooting but when you left, he just grew more useless everyday."
Peyton's eyes went wide. What did she mean with 'useless'. The question must have been readable in her hazel eyes.
"Useless as a boyfriend as a lover. It was like the essential things that were needed to make a relationship work were erased from his mind. And I don't mean only sex this time, Peyton. He didn't want to do this together anymore; he didn't want to talk anymore. And the sex, in the beginning it was still okay but he began to lose his enthusiasm. He acted me like I was someone else."
Peyton felt a sting of hurt ran under her skin.
"And to the end of our relationship, if you could even call it that, he was more a stranger to me. It had been almost a month we had gone by without doing this together, even without talking outside of things for school. I deserved better than that. I couldn't stay with him anymore. I really loved him, but enough to keep trying to pull him back onto the world time after time when he only seemed to rather pretend I wasn't there. It wasn't our destiny." Brooke smiled softly and let her fingers travel over Peyton's now tearstained cheek. "It is yours. Always was, always has been. I am sorry for messing that up . For ever-" Peyton took a hold of her friend's hand on her cheek. "It's okay ." Now holding her best friends hand again.
It felt like a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders when Peyton left Brooke's and Chase's apartment with Lucas on her side. Lucas was as relieved when he could also remove - Peyton to be best friends with Brooke Davis again from the list.
"So where are we going next?" Peyton asked while she let her head rest on his shoulder when the vehicle started to purr underneath him.
"Whitey." He answered while his free hand gripped the steering wheel and the other caressed her bare arm.
"Whitey?" She asked, suddenly feeling this different kind of nervous. Like she was back in high school, this nervous tension that passed from student to teacher. Lucas clearly wasn't plagued by it. He at least had the chance to develop a 'relation' with the wise man after high school. And Lucas had always been close to his coach, even back in high school.
"Yes. I owe him so much." Lucas said while running his hand through her blonde hair. Within' five minutes they stood before the former coach's front door. The couple waited in suspense until the old man would open the door. And he eventually did.
"Well, well. Lucas Scott. Come here son." Whitey immediately pulled Lucas into a man hug. It took him another moment to notice the other blonde behind the one he was embracing.
"Isn't that Peyton Sawyer?" A faint blush began to colour her cheeks. "Well, well. You finally found a map with the route back to Tree Hill in the form of Lucas Scott." He said in his gravelly voice, a grin spread across his face.
"It looks like I kind of did." She said quietly, still not very comfortable by his rather familiar tone towards her.
"Off course you did." He said, placing a hand on the bare skin of her arm. "Who could ever miss Whitey Durham?" Peyton couldn't help to suppress a sudden shy laughter. "Off course I am kidding Blondie. Welcome back home." And before she could even think about it, the older man embraced her. She tensed up for a second but relaxed into the hold of the arms when she saw Lucas look at her with peaceful and loving shine on his face.
In another moment Whitey let go of her.
"So I guess there might be another reason why this old man earned a visit?"
"I was wondering of you would like to go the cemetery with us." Lucas said.
"Well Lucas Scott, that isn't very pretty of you or subtle. There are better ways to show an old man you're thankful before you make him cold in an appropriate place."
They all smiled.
"Come on, let's go, lovebirds." He said while walking up to Lucas' car.
The graveyard was quiet surface of grass and sand, the grey stones standing in adequate lines over the area hugged with trees. The place breathed clam, like the breeze here was lighter than everywhere else in Tree Hill on this afternoon, the sun shined vaguer.
The three split up, Whitey went to his late wife's grave while Lucas and Peyton where left alone.
"Why do you want to go see first?" Lucas asked while softly running his fingers through her blonde hair.
"My mom." She said softly. "But I'd rather do it alone, if you don't mind."
"Off course." He smiled tenderly, as tenderly as his full lips pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'll be with Keith." He said before tucking a piece of velvet hair behind her ear, earning a shy smile.
They both separated, taking of to fulfil the things needed to be done.
Peyton felt empty and hollow when she approached her mother's gravestone. It had been more than two years, too long. Far too long.
"I'm so sorry." Was the only thing she could bring out. "More sorry than you'll ever know." Brought tears rolling down her cheek than words rolling from her lips.
"I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry and that I love you, to make this better." She sobbed.
"Dad is right. I am not worthy to be called your daughter. You learned me so much better than what I did."
She took a moment for another breathe.
"But I was so lonely. So lost. So in need of love. So impatient and selfish."
Her tears fell on the cold stone.
"I hope you can forgive me for that."
Frustrated by the silence, reliving what she had forgotten, this dreadful silence of her mother's grave.
"There are so many things I would like to say to you right now. But I can't find the words. But I'll promise you, from now on, I'll spend much more time here again. I am not leaving Tree Hill again. The place you taught me to love."
She ran her fingertips over the rough texture of the stone, after her fingers followed her lips as they sent a silent kiss to heaven.
Lucas was still lingering by Keith's grave when Peyton softly walked up behind him. Her head fell to his shoulder and her hands sneaked around his waist. After being recovered from the few moments of being straddled by the unexpected action of her, he looked his shoulder to see her moist hazel eyes looking up at him and his hands moved themselves to hers to cover them.
Peyton was slightly surprised to find his blue eyes also teary.
"Honey?" Her hand flew out to caress his cheek.
"I still can't believe that Dan has taken his life away." Lucas said, on the verge of spilling his tears. "I can't believe I blamed Jimmy for so long. Keith was just trying to help. Being like the father he always was … to me." Lucas couldn't help but let a little sob out.
"Hey, it's fine Lucas. You don't have to hold back." Peyton said while letting to off him and walk up to face him. "It's okay." She gently cupped his face. "I know it won't chance anything. Make this anything less worse. But I do really respect Keith. I don't know a word to express the emotion when I think back to the sacrifice he made with his life for my life. There's no word to express my gratefulness, my grief, my respect. And until the day I find that word, I hope Dan Scott will be eaten away by guilt and hurt. That the darkness of his own selfish acts, the consequences of what he did will destroy him."
She whipped away the few tears that had broken through his defence with the pads of her thumbs.
"But I do know other words. Words for someone else. Words to forgive Jimmy." She said softly.
"Come here." She mumbled, taking his hand in hers. She leaded him to Jimmy Edwards grave.
They stood there in silence for a minute before Peyton decided to throw an incredible weight of her shoulders.
"I forgive you Jimmy Edwards. For not being able to control your hurt, your grief. For not seeing hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. For not believing in better times. I think I can imagine what you saw, what you felt. And I feel sorry for you; I regret that you didn't find one to make better times for you. Because you deserved it."
At the same moment she said her last words, Whitey walked up to the blond pair. A warm feeling, a feeling filled with love was wrapped around them like an aura. Whitey apperceived it, the love of those two. Those two, he saw grow up, from teenagers to adult, since they were early blooming. The seed of their love had been planned already before he first walked into that gym and she was there too. He had already felt it back then.
Darkness would fall in an hour and half, when Lucas drove Peyton to the place where she once, what seemed an eternity ago, let Elizabeth 'Ellie' Harp ashes travel with the wind.
Lucas watched her as she walked to the exact same place where she had stood at that sad, incredibly heartbreaking moment.
"Hi Ellie." She whispered to the wind.
"Mom." She quietly added.
"It's been a while." The wind played around with her words.
"And I am so sorry for that. But I can't help to think that you might understand what I did better than anyone else. You knew loneliness, you knew guilt and you knew what it felt like when the world was tearing you apart."
She looked up in the sky.
"I hope you can forgive me for my selfish acting."
She closed her eyes for a moment and felt the wind, which was blowing around her, embrace her for a brief second. And she knew it was right.
- Peyton to pick up her special bound with Whitey
- Peyton to return the places were her mothers are buried and tell them everything she would have told them if they were still alive
- Peyton to love 'my father' Keith and respect him because he gave his life to save hers
- Peyton to hate my father Dan Scott as much as I do
- Peyton to face Jimmy Edwards' grave and forgive him for what he couldn't control
Those longings were silently removed from the list too, in Lucas head, when he opened the door to let Peyton in when they finally arrived home again, just in time for dinner.
"Would you two lovebirds mind helping us two to get ready for dinner?" Karen's voice rose up when Lucas and Peyton had already gotten caught up in another teasing kiss session before they even had reached the centre of the kitchen. She was holding an extremely enthusiastic Lily in her arms who longed for her big brother's attention.
Lucas took his little sister back to her purple bedroom to change her cloths. It would be a shame to let her pretty cloths being ruined by food she was surely spill.
Peyton had a hard time finding the plates, glasses and cutlery. Her annoyance and nervousness grew when she noticed that Karen was already done with cooking and she still hadn't finished her job.
"I am sorry Karen, I just don't seem to find anything easily."
The brunette noticed her son's girlfriend's uneasiness.
"It's okay Peyton." Peyton couldn't help but blush shyly.
"You'll get used to it swift enough. It's only a matter before you become a real Scott." She said with a wink.
Lucas smiled in the hallway. - Peyton to be a part of my family … now was erased too. His mother's word were true, it would only be a matter of time before Peyton Sawyer would official be a 'Scott'.
After dinner Lucas and Peyton returned to his room. The both of them were exhausted, especially Peyton. It had been an extremely emotion and stressful day for her. Lucas decided it might be good for the both of them to relax and go to bed early. This last week had worn him out and Peyton even more.
He had just put his sleeping shirt on and laid himself down on the bed when Peyton walked in again. Her hair had turned into a dusty brown colour from showering, droplets of water still on her revealed skin. She looked breathtaking, even in her thick bathrobe. Her hazel eyes were radiating a lazy glow on him. An unpredictable glow, when she suddenly locked the door.
"Peyton?" He wondered aloud when she approached him, untying her thick Bordeaux bathrobe.
"Lucas." She answered, losing the garment in the meantime. Her body was wrapped in a satin nightdress, her details of her lace bra visible through the thin deep red material.
"You wrote you longed for me, from me. And I'll make them come true." She said, walking closer to him. His mind couldn't progress everything all of a sudden. What he wrote down which seemed like an eternity ago, what happened today but mostly the way she was standing there, barely covered.
"I-" The rest of the words got stuck in her throat when her fingers moved up the straps of the thin dress.
"You long for me to open up to you and never build walls again." She moved the strap off her right shoulder.
"And I will build no walls anymore." She also removed the strap of her left shoulder.
"I promise." She whispered as the satin rushed to the ground.
"Because you long for me to open your heart, and to let you open mine." Her slender hands disappeared behind her back. Within' seconds the lacy bra hurried to the ground.
"Come here." Her voice wrapped around him. And in a beat he was right in front of her.
"You feel that?" She took his big hand and laid it down on her bare chest. A rapid, thumping rhythm echoed against his palm.
"My heart never raced for anyone like that. Could never race for anyone like that, because it was suppressed, until you opened me up, Lucas." They locked eyes. Hazel and blue.
Peyton could read the mixed anxiety in Lucas' eyes.
"And don't be afraid, Lucas Scott, because as you long for, I forgive you for everything you might have done wrong. It doesn't matter anymore, because were together now."
The air seemed to get thicker by the minute. Thick with passion and truth.
"I really forgive you." She said when she didn't see his tension melt at first.
"Because this is the new me. The new me you always knew I could be. The new me who lets go of the past. The mistakes I made there, they will be left there. And I will not fight my flaws, I will stop covering them up. Because those efforts made me unhappy, made my life sad, when all I needed was joy. From now one I'll promise I'll do my best to only see what's good in me."
She took a hold of both of his hands? She guided them over her body, until they met her panties. He was hypnotised by her beauty and didn't fight her when she mentioned him to take them off.
"Look at me." Peyton told him, when he stood there for a moment with his eyes closed.
"Look at me." She repeated. He was lost in her trance, and in her beauty. He took her in from head to toe. Her blonde curls, porcelain face, her round breasts, her marked stomach, her never-ending legs.
"This is the real me. And now I can't pretend anymore." Her voice was merely a whisper. Tears were now cascading down her cheeks. "I won't pretend. I don't have to anymore, because I love you."
Lucas had a hard time to keep his own tears hidden.
"Hold me Luke." She whispered. And he did. He gently swayed his arms around her bare frame. He pressed her close to him, his face buried in the crook of his neck to take in the softness of her skin, the sweetness of her perfume.
"Protect me Luke." She said while she squeezed him tighter, needing him closer to her.
"Make me happy." She sobbed.
Her sudden urge for intimacy grew much more sensual. Her hands started to live their own life on his body. Her fingers lightly tracing the lines of his muscles. Her lips pressing kisses to his temple, down to his ear. His earlobe got caught between her pearl white teeth.
"I need you." She husked if it was said with her last breath.
And who was Lucas Scott to deny her anything?
He scooped her up and placed her on his bed. He quickly followed. His kisses began on her lips and travelled over her neck, over breasts, over her tummy all the way down to that special place between her legs.
His fingers gently explored down there, he hardened incredibly when he felt how wet she was. A loud groan couldn't help but escape from down his throat. His breathing suddenly burst into unevenness.
Ready to assault her with a delicious torture he mastered he heard her whimper above him.
"No."
He looked confused up at her.
"I really really need you." She said weakly, stretching her arms out to touch him.
He gently smiled and nodded while looking her in the eye. He made himself comfortable atop of her, making sure she was comfortable too.
"Ready?" He asked while kissing her forehead tenderly.
"Yes." She murmured, needing to feel him in the closest way.
He gently slid home between her warm, clenching walls. A noise of relief escaped them both. Lucas set a slow pace which satisfied them both. A pace that matched their emotions.
Her hips gently grinded up against him as he slid home time after time. Both well aware that it wouldn't last long, their emotions were in check in this time, and not their bodies. Their bodies were just the puppets of the act.
"You're really everything I wanted, everything I prayed for, everything I wished for, everything you ever can be for me." Lucas whispered in her ear when he felt his orgasm approaching, his hips moving faster and faster without his intervention.
"You're everything for me, and only for me." The words died on his lips as he came hard.
He catapulted Peyton into her own bliss at the feeling of his love inside of her.
Their broken breathing filled the aftermath of their love making filled the room. Peyton snuggled up against Lucas, her head on his chest, feeling his heart calming down slowly.
"You know Lucas?" She suddenly said after a long period of silence. "What made me decide to divorce from Pete?" Peyton didn't even give him to the time for answer or to even get uncomfortable. "You. The imagine of you when Pete wanted to 'make up' with me. He mentioned you, and I realised it wasn't right anymore. Thank you Lucas Scott." She whispered before her lips ended up on his again.
- Peyton to fully open up to me and never build walls again
- Peyton to open my heart with the key I gave her many years ago and let me do the same with her
- Peyton to forgive me for the brainless things I did in the past
- Peyton to accept her sad life, her flaws, the mistakes she made but also accept everything that's good about her and her life
- Peyton to never lose her personality, her special being, to push away this fake version of her
- Peyton to be happy and let me protect from her every single bad thing that could happen to her
- Peyton to be everything I wanted, everything I prayed for, everything I wished for, everything she ever can be for me, that she just be everything and everything only for me
- Peyton to see my face when she making love to … 'him'
All of those longings disappeared within' the kiss.
Sadly, there was one longing she could never make come true. The one formulated like: - Peyton to accept the fact I'm her only true love and come home with and let me be the father to her son or daughter which is growing in her belly now. The awareness of true love stayed, but not Roxanne.
Unfortunately, but the way life was. But there were other longings and the list, and they would come true:
- Peyton to reunite herself with Larry again and hold him closer instead of pushing him away
- Peyton to finished her high school and show the world she is destined for greatness, but the greatness she makes herself and not the greatness she enjoys now because other made her a part of their greatness
- Peyton to be my wife
- Peyton to be Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer-Scott
- Peyton to be the mother of my child, or maybe children
And it would only be a matter of time.