All night staring at the ceiling
counting for minutes I've been feeling this way
So far away and so alone
But you know it's alright
I came to my senses
Letting go of my defenses
There's no way I'm giving up this time
Yeah, you know I'm right here
I'm not losing you this time
And I'm all in, nothing left to hide
I've fallen harder than a landslide
I spent a week away from you last night
And now I'm calling, calling out your name
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in
I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life
There's no taking back
what we've got's too strong,
we've had each other's back for too long
There's no breaking up this time
And you know it's okay, I came to my senses
Letting go of my defenses
There's no way I'm giving up this time
All In
Cole's POV
Storage Locker
Buffalo, New York
"So what are we doing here again?" I asked as John lifted the door on the containment unit.
"Well," John began, "this knife can't be used to kill the demon, so it's useless to us. I've got quite a few curse boxes that Bobby made me throughout the years. We lock it up and keep it safe, until we need it again."
I winced at the mention of my dad. He was still a bit of a sore subject between John and me. It was safer not to mention him. "I don't understand how the knife has been used to kill demons and hell hounds and then all of a sudden it can't kill them?" I said nervously.
We were hovering at the edge of the storage unit, while John shown his light around the edges of a devil's trap at the entrance. "Demon be gone?" I said with humor lacing my tone.
"Damn straight." He said returning my look with a grim smile. I moved forward when I saw that the protection was still intact. John reacted strongly, his hand clamping down around my upper arm hard and jerking me backwards into his body as the sound of a 12-gauge buck shot filled the air.
"You need to be more careful." John reprimanded me. I flushed with embarrassment; he had been the man who taught me about trip wires, and booby traps. I should have expected it, especially from him.
I nodded, my heart in my throat from the fact that I'd practically blown my own head off. I licked my lips apprehensively, moving cautiously now, stepping over the now useless trip wire, just in case. I stopped on the other side of it, turning to look at John. "There isn't another one is there?" I asked.
"No baby you're good." He reassured me with a smile. He stepped over the trip wire also, joining me on the other side.
I looked in the direction the shot came from, chuckling lightly. "So I guess the animal is coming out on top for once." I said motioning to the gun hidden in the animal skull.
John smiled a cheeky grin at me. "I knew you'd get it." I laughed in response. Sometimes I felt like we were made for each other.
I took a careful look around. There were shelving units all around the walls on the first half of the unit. The shelves were covered in herbs, littered with weird ass looking skull remains, and beyond the first half was a galvanized steel wire divider, along these wired walls were guns, sawed offs and pistols, knives, and machetes. There was a table under one wall and I looked at it in amazement.
"Wow! Landmines, seriously?" I asked eagerly. I knew the basics behind using landmines but I'd never actually handled one.
"Yeah." John said distractedly moving to a filing cabinet. I wandered through the storage locker looking at everything John had compiled over the years he'd come here to work.
He pulled a file out taking it with him over to a desk where he switched on a lamp so he could read. "Okay, so if we know that this knife won't kill Yellow Eyes, then we have to find a way to kill him." John said to me. But I wasn't paying attention, I'd wandered back out into the front part of the unit.
I'd found a shelf full of books and pulled out an album. It was one Beth had made her first year with the Winchester's. I looked at the pictures of all their happy memories. Smiling when the pictures for Fourth of July came up. Before that night, Beth and I had been a little leery of each other. Actually I was probably the only one leery of her, I was worried she was hitting on my man. Of course he hadn't actually been my man at the time, but nope, she was too busy severely crushing on Dean.
That night we'd had a huge sparkler war, boys vs. girls of course. Beth and I were doing a victory dance, which somehow resembled both of us in various stages of the Macarena. I chuckled at the victorious expression on both our faces. I recalled the night fondly; Sam swore up and down I had cheated simply because I'd tried to stab him in the ear with the end of my sparkler. I didn't consider that cheating, I considered that using every advantage.
I came to the end of the album and closed it running a fond hand over the happy memories pictured. I glanced back to the bookshelf my gaze scanning the titles. Most of them were blank indicating they must be journals of some kind. However, I ran across a thin leather covered book I recognized as mine!
I rolled my eyes. John Winchester you are such a thief. I grabbed the book, pulling it down to look through it. I smiled softly reading a few of my favorite passages. There were pictures stuck between the pages of the book: a lot of them I adored. Then I ran across one I actually liked but I didn't need anyone finding. I was curled up on my side sleeping, my expression looked so peaceful. However, it was the skin I didn't need anyone seeing. I grabbed it folding it in half and placing it in my back pocket. No one was going to find it; I planned on burning the darn thing.
"Cole? Are you even listening?" John asked me.
"Huh, oh yeah I'm listening. I just got a little distracted by your porn stash." I said flicking through the rest of the pictures in the stack, these were not suitable for anyone else to find.
John rose from the desk chair he was in moving to stand behind me. "What are you doing with those?" He asked.
"I found them in my book." I said in a snippy voice. "And I'm going to burn them." I said answering his question. I moved to put the rest of them into my pocket along with the first.
John grabbed my hand, attempting to take the pictures from me. "Like hell you are woman!" He said.
I laughed bending back over the table and stretching my arm out to avoid him taking the photos from me we got distracted by John's phone going off. "Whew. Saved by the bell." I commented, tucking the remaining pictures into my pocket.
John pulled away from me grabbing his phone and glancing at the caller ID. One of the kids. I knew now because he got that steely look on his face where he had to force himself to keep from answering the phone.
I moved away from him going to another shelving unit that held the curse boxes. I chose a long slim one that looked appropriately suited for the knife and pulled it off the shelf taking it over to the desk. John handed over the knife and I placed it inside sealing the box with a padlock. I moved back to the shelving unit putting the box back where I'd found it.
Turning back to John I frowned at him while he punched in the code to his voicemail. I moved closer in order to hear the message clearly through the speaker.
The automated voice read out the number I wasn't surprised to hear it was Dean on the other end.
"Dad? I know I've left you messages before. I don't even know if you get them."We heard Dean pause a bit before clearing his throat and continuing.
"I'm with Beth… and Sam. And we're in Lawrence. And there's something in our old house. I don't know if it's the thing that killed mom or not, but…" Dean trailed off uncertainly before continuing. I moved up behind John running my hand over his back soothingly. He was coiled tight as a spring beneath my hands.
"I don't know what to do. So, whatever you're doing, if you could get here. Please. We need your help, Dad."Maybe it was my imagination but I could have sworn I heard Dean's voice crack the tiniest bit.
John closed his phone turning to me his eyes looked haunted, and conflicted. I knew where we were going next.
"We're going to Lawrence." John said grimly grabbing the file he'd been looking through and turning towards the door.
John's POV
The Next Day
Lawrence, Kansas
"Are we going to talk about this?" I asked Nicole as I pulled a shirt on over my head. I'd spent the better part of the morning showing her just how much she meant to me, and I still felt like she was holding something back.
"Talk about what?" She asked evasively pulling on her work boots. She was back to hedging again.
"Whatever has you upset." I said quietly.
She looked at me shocked. "I'm not upset, John. What would make you think that?" She questioned.
I stared at her disbelievingly. "The nightmares you've been having." I said to her.
She shrugged turning away from me. "It was about my rape." She said, lying to me.
I shook my head anger beginning to surge hotly through me. "I thought we agreed a long time ago that you weren't gonna lie to me?" I questioned trying to keep the edge from my voice.
Her brows drew together. "I'm not lying to you John! I just, Jesus, I don't see the point in beating a dead horse." She exclaimed hotly.
"And there you go again. You've been lying to me for a while now and I've let it go thinking that eventually you'd trust me enough to talk to me about it." I said unable to keep my voice calm. It infuriated me I thought we were closer than that, and just when I felt like we'd hit a huge milestone together, she goes and starts pulling away and lying to me again. I wasn't going to have it. She was mine and I'd be damned if I let her push me away.
She scoffed at me rolling her eyes and moving away from me towards the door. I took two quick strides forward grabbing her upper arm and turning her to face me. "Who's Azazel Nicole?" I asked her quietly. Making an effort to lower my voice I didn't want us fighting. I just wanted her to trust me.
She gasped her eyes widening. Then she pressed her lips together stubbornly refusing to talk to me.
I waited a heartbeat. Two. Three. Nothing. I dropped my gaze from her stubborn steadfast one. God she was so infuriating. "Fine." I said nodding my head. I released her arm slowly, and turned away. "You know I needed you with me on this."
She stepped away from me wrapping her arms around herself in a defensive gesture. "I am with you John." She said quietly.
"Then tell me what's wrong Nicole."
She glanced at the floor. "I can't John. Not yet. I just can't. I'm not ready yet." She said her eyes begging me to understand.
"Cole, baby, I need for you to trust me. It works both ways, if you can't trust me with whatever it is you're going through, how can I trust you to keep us safe?" I asked her, waiting for an answer. That might have been a little manipulative but I would do whatever I had to in order to keep us alive, no regrets.
This yellow-eyed demon had already taken everything from my family. And since Nicole had been possessed she'd begun muttering the name over and over again in her sleep for months. I had to know, and if she wouldn't tell me, I would find out myself.
"John, I just…. Can you give me a few days, just a little bit of time to work this out? Please…" She said her protest trailing off.
I nodded my head in agreement. I would give her a few days before I tried talking to her about it again but I would have some answers of my own before that time.
Cole's POV
Missouri Moseley's
Lawrence, Kansas
"John Winchester." She said with a laugh and stepped forward to hug John. I smiled lightly it was unusual to see him so touchy with anyone. He was a softie trying to hide that kind demeanor beneath a bad-ass exterior.
He smiled leaning down to hug Missouri and kiss her cheek. "Missouri," He greeted stepping back to introduce me. "This is Nicole Singer." He said introducing me.
I smiled at her stepping forward and offering my hand. "Nice to meet you ma'am." I said formally.
She nodded at me. "I know who the girl is!" She snapped at John. I fought back laughter, but a small snicker escaped. "You could be almost the exact same person. Except the eyes." She said lightly, almost airily like an afterthought, or a subconscious thought that she didn't mean. I frowned at the comment.
Missouri stepped back allowing us further into her house taking us through a set of beads into a room with a couch and a small table and chairs.
John strode in and settled himself on the couch and I followed him seating myself next to him.
"Have you seen the kids yet?" He asked her getting straight to the point.
She nodded at him. "They came through here a little while ago. They looked healthy, good strong kids."
John smiled at that.
Missouri leaned back in her chair, fanning herself with her hand. She looked John over appraisingly before asking. "So, how have you been John, really?"
John smiled, leaning back on the couch and putting an arm around my shoulders. "I've been good. Probably the best I've been in a long time." He said glancing at me with a small smile.
I returned it warmly then turned my attention to Missouri.
"I can see that. You two are good for each other." Missouri said looking us over with a twinkle in her warm dark gaze.
I felt a little off kilter she was probably one of the first people I'd ever met that accepted John and I for what we were. She didn't try to change us or deny what we had. She simply accepted it.
John's POV
Later That Night
Hotel Room
Nicole was sound asleep as I slid out of bed, pulling on my jeans and padding to the table in the small hotel room. I paused by the bottle of scotch pouring myself a glass. I glanced back over at Nicole assessing how deeply asleep she was, I didn't hear any murmuring which was a good sign. I'd slept with her long enough to know anytime I heard murmuring she was close to waking up.
I needed to do this and do it fast before she woke. I grabbed her laptop taking the chair against the wall and opening it so I could keep an eye on her while she slept and I researched exactly who in the hell Azazel was. I had my suspicions.
A few hours later my head was spinning. I actually felt nauseous and sick to my stomach. There's no way this was possible. Yellow eyes and Azazel, there was no way they were the same demon. Even as I thought it, and my entire being repelled the idea, I knew the truth. There was no other explanation for it. Azazel was the demon who'd destroyed my family. But why? I had to know more.
I stared at the screen, my research open in a dozen or more windows. From what I could determine, Azazel was a fallen angel, and as far as Patrick had been concerned, angels were real. He'd told me years after Grace disappeared that she'd been able to talk to them, more than that, she could channel them, or something like that. He said Beth had the same potential, but she'd seemed to grow out of it as she got older.
I sighed and ran a hand across my weary eyes. So Azazel and Yellow-Eyes were the same creature, fallen angel or demon, it didn't really matter. What did it all mean? Why was he creating all these fires? Why was he after these children? What did it have to do with Sam? Where did the possession of Grace come into it? It all had to be related. She'd been Mary's closest friend, and then she'd disappeared around the time most of Mary's family did.
We'd tried for years to track her down, knowing she was possessed, and now, twenty years later she was back, and seemingly connected in some way to Azazel. Why? And why was she after Beth? There had to be something more to it other than random chance, but I couldn't make the connection, it was as if there was a missing piece of the puzzle that I couldn't quite place. All I knew was I had to keep Beth safe, the creature inhabiting Grace's body couldn't be allowed to find her. And Azazel needed to be kept away from Sam.
It was up to me, with Cole's help, to bring this demon down, to put an end to the plan – whatever it was. Maybe I could save Grace in the process, but I didn't like my chances: twenty years was a long time to be ridden by a demon. Either way, I had a way to track this thing now, I had the omens, and if I could track it, I could trap it, and if I could trap it, maybe, just maybe I could kill it.
Cole's POV
Hotel Room
The Next Morning
I opened my eyes groaning and rolling over. I reached out a hand looking for John's familiar presence. He might be mad at me, but I didn't expect him to not be there. I was shocked when my hand met the other side of the bed to find it empty.
I turned my head glancing over and sure enough, it was empty. I sighed wearily. We were in the middle of a case involving his kids, and his wife, he definitely wouldn't cut and run, not on this, no matter how pissed off he was at me. I sat up rubbing the sleep from my eyes and moved to grab some clothes, I settled on a pair of comfortable holey jeans, coupled with a black tank top and a dark grey long sleeved shirt. I felt like dark depressing colors today.
I settled on the end of the bed pulling my boots on when the door to the motel opened up. John walked in with a fuel joint sack full of the best breakfast junk food money could buy.
"They didn't have any fruit." He said tossing me a strawberry and cheese Danish still in the package.
"Well at least I know you didn't alter it in anyway." I said softly opening the package.
John turned back to me, raising an eyebrow. "Just because we're fighting that doesn't mean I'm going to let you starve. I may be pissed but I'm not inconsiderate. I have no problem being professional until you're ready to talk." He said his voice sounding cool and detached.
I nodded feeling thoroughly chastised, not that I was ready to let him know that.
"So," John continued. "Are you ready to talk to me about what you've been hiding from me?"
I scoffed my mouth quirking at one end. "Please you think one night of no sex and barely speaking is going to be enough for me to cave. Dream on Don Juan. I've got more stones than that." I said snippily.
I opened my Danish, and the smell of processed bread and artificial chemical flavors hit me. Ugh. I wrinkled my nose and took a bite anyways I was starving, so I was hoping the nausea might pass as I got something into my stomach.
I dropped the hand holding my breakfast into my lap, suddenly not hungry and fighting off a wave of severe nausea. John frowned at me a concerned look coming across his face. I shot him a sarcastic smile. "You better be careful one might think you cared." I said bitchily.
"I do care, and you're acting like a spoiled brat." He snapped sternly at me. I didn't care and I wasn't in the least intimidated by him when he barked orders and expected me to obey, that wasn't going to happen and he damn well knew it. "What's wrong?" He asked. The genuine concern in his voice made me feel bad for treating him as if he was the one hiding something. I was the one who couldn't get passed my insecurities long enough to tell him what was wrong.
I shook my head, shrugging. "I'm just not feeling the greatest today." I said softly. I tossed my hair over my shoulder and aimed the half eaten Danish towards the trashcan. I ran a hand through my hair, moving towards the bathroom to brush my teeth. I had to get that horrible chemical taste out of my mouth.
John followed me leaning against the door frame watching me. When I turned the water on slowly so that I could still hear him, he began filling me in on what he'd learned last night while I'd been sleeping.
When I'd finished I rinsed my mouth out and turned the water off, wiping my mouth on a towel. "So do you have any ideas how we can find out more information?" I asked curiously.
As far as I knew the only people we could go to get any answers from on why Yellow Eyes had targeted the Winchesters were the demon himself, and Mary Winchester. The demon was nowhere near here, besides he wasn't exactly going to be keen to spill his guts, and…..
I raised an eyebrow at John, incredulously. You have got to be freaking kidding me! I'm over here having issues with the fact that I am nothing more than a replacement to John, and he wants to go chat up his wife! Thank God my poker face had gotten better over the years.
"So we're gonna go visit your old house?" I asked for clarification.
John nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I was planning on going once we got done eating."
I sighed softly, hoping I had passed it off as a long drawn out noisy breath. I nodded towards John indicating I'd follow him out the door. I couldn't deny that I was curious about what their life had been like. Whether he'd been so ridiculously happy and as in love as I currently felt, however, I wasn't exactly looking to drive home Azazel's almost nightly messages.
John's POV
The Winchester House
I couldn't believe I'd actually suggested this. The thought that I'd have to once again walk the halls of the first home I'd ever really acknowledged, shredded my resolve. The walls I'd so carefully constructed to keep myself sane came crumbling down as Cole and I made our way through the house.
I knew where we needed to go. The nursery that was where all this mess started. That was where she would be. Cole and I made our way up the stairs and the whole way my body was coiling tighter, reacting to the tension I felt at confronting one of my worst nightmares.
Up on the landing, I paused looking down the hallway. Cole came up beside me, and rubbed a hand up and down my arm in a soothing gesture. I shifted my gaze to her face she was beside me watching my back. I could do this.
She took a step forward dropping her hand from my arm and I reached out catching her hand my grip tightening on hers as if I was clutching a lifeline. She hesitated looking back at me, entwining her fingers through mine and giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.
I took a small step forward, and then another. Down the hall, I turned right facing the closed door in front of me. My heart was pounding and my mouth was dry as I stared at the door willing myself to open it. I couldn't not yet. I just needed a minute.
I took a deep steadying breath, centering myself. I had to do this I had to know. I had to know the truth about what had gone on that night all those years ago. I stepped forward, my hand on the door, when I felt Cole hesitate and try pulling her hand from mine. My grip instinctively tightened, almost crushing her small bones. She wasn't going anywhere, I needed her.
I glanced sideways at her, and she raised her gaze to meet mine. She nodded reassuringly although I saw her uncertainty reflected in her doe eyes mirroring my own. She resolutely curled her fingers back around mine, a gesture of complete solidarity. I moved forward, my body shielding hers as I stepped through the door first.
The memories flashed through my mind as I looked around. There should have been a crib on the far wall by the window. There should have been shelves lining the walls with toys and stuffed animals. I blinked closing my eyes and swallowing past the lump in my throat. I couldn't help glancing towards the ceiling, my grip tightening even further on Nicole's hand.
Nicole pressed her hand into my back, rubbing, attempting to ease some of the tension. I lowered the duffel bag to the floor in the middle of the little girl's bedroom. I pulled out the ingredients for the summoning spell, my mind completely focused on what I was doing.
"John." Cole said softly. "Something tells me you're not going to need that."
I glanced at her as the doors to the closet opened further. A fiery figure emerged from within, coming into the middle of the room. Nicole moved turning her back to the door and backing towards it keeping our exit clear. The last thing we needed to do was become trapped in here with a damn fiery poltergeist.
My breathe caught in my throat, one minute the flames were burning so bright it was painful to look at the figure and the next the flames were gone, and in their wake stood Mary, looking exactly the way she had the night of the fire.
"John." Mary said softly, her voice a mere thread of sound. "It's good to see you again."
"Mary… What… What the hell." I broke off taking a deep lungful of air, and swallowing, trying to focus, to clear my head so I could think. I sensed movement and Cole came up beside me she didn't touch me and for that I was grateful, that would have been too much to handle at the moment.
I licked my lips and tried again. "What happened all those years ago Mary?" I asked my voice low.
Mary looked sadly at me, and then she shifted her gaze to Cole, then back to me. "I made a deal John." She said.
"You did what?" I asked flipping from stunned to furious so fast I was going to have whiplash. "Why the hell would you make a deal?" I asked incredulously.
"If you'd shut up I'll tell you!" She snapped irritably.
"Yeah you know what Mary that might have been a good idea! How about you start with the night we got married." I said furiously.
"Actually here's a better idea. How about we start with the night you proposed to me!" She said her eyes flashing fire.
I raised my eyebrows a sarcastic expression crossing my face. "You know that's a novel concept. Why the Hell didn't you tell me all of this sooner, instead I get to find it out when some fallen angel goes after my son!"
"I didn't tell you because I was trying to protect you, you stubborn son of a bitch!" She snarled.
"Oh protect me! That's rich Mary, I'm a grown man! I'm pretty sure I can protect myself." I said heatedly.
"I didn't want any of this to touch you John. I didn't want to throw you completely off the deep end." She said turning away from me and pacing.
"You should have let me decide what was going to completely throw me off of the deep end!" I said.
She swung back around and as she did so a chair on the opposite wall flew across the room, narrowly missing Nicole. I took an aggressive step forward, one hand on the salt ready to temporarily banish her if I had to.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Nicole said stepping in between the two of us. A hand held out pleadingly toward each of us. "Okay, look why don't we all just take a breather." She said suddenly, the voice of reason. I raised one eyebrow looking at her like she'd grown two heads, had she suddenly become possessed?
She turned to me. "John stop yelling at her. We need answers." Mary looked smug that a complete stranger was defending her. Then Cole rounded on her.
"And you, you've got this whole smoldering anger thing going on, you're literally smoking so you need to calm down because something tells me a fire extinguisher won't work on you." She said to Mary. "Besides I don't know where they are in this house." She added.
"There used to be one under the sink across the hall." Mary and I answered simultaneously.
Nicole groaned, pressing a hand to her forehead. "Now you two decide to get along." She said softly.
I took a breath, attempting to relax my muscles. I rolled my shoulders a few times trying to release some of the tension building up. Cole turned soft eyes on me, and moved to stand next to me.
I frowned curiously looking at Mary. She really was smoking. "You know they have patches for that now." I pointed out helpfully.
She glared at me rolling her eyes, and Nicole turned whacking me on the arm. "You are so not funny." She said lightly. I don't know who she thought she was kidding I saw the humor dancing in her eyes.
"Okay." I said taking another breath to steady myself. "So Mary, tell me about this deal."
Mary turned her gaze to me, her eyes taking in far too much. "I'm glad he has you." She said warmly to Cole. "I was worried all this time he'd be so obsessed with revenge he'd forget to live."
Cole snorted. "That's why I'm here." She said softly turning liquid brown eyes to me; I smiled down at her threading my fingers through hers.
"So the deal. The demon came in and snapped your neck, and gave me a choice. I could deal and have you back to life, or I could not take the deal and I'd have lost you my mom, and my dad all in one fell swoop." She said sadly looking at Cole and I.
"And what did it cost you in return?" Cole asked. "Obviously not your soul because you're here." She mused.
"No." Mary agreed. "He wanted to be invited into my home in ten years."
"Why?" I asked "That makes no sense."
"I don't know." Mary said shrugging. "Anyways ten years came by and I came into the nursery thinking you had gotten up to take care of Sammy, and when I realized it wasn't you, that was when I saw the eyes." She said worriedly.
"What could he have possibly wanted with Sam?" I asked.
Mary shrugged looking troubled.
"That's the million dollar question." Nicole said softly.
Cole's POV
Early the Next Morning
Missouri Moseley's
I made my way back into the sitting room where John and Missouri were.
"So, you think the house is clean. The poltergeist? Mary? They're both gone?" John asked. I heard a distant and cold note in his voice. Almost like he was attempting to detach himself from his feelings so that he wouldn't feel the pain and loss of losing her all over again.
I kept a hand pressed to my stomach, and moved slowly to sit on the end of the couch.
"With those hex bags we placed nothing remains in that house. I didn't feel any residual energy." Missouri answered him. She was watching me with a look that made me uneasy.
John frowned at me curiously. "Nicole are you okay?" He asked moving closer to me. I breathed through my mouth; the smell of his cologne was making me queasy again.
I pressed a hand to my mouth cautiously. "Yeah." I said unconvincingly. "I think I might be coming down with some kind of bug." I said trying to explain away my short temper and soft stomach.
Missouri moved then handing me a mug of tea. I wasn't necessarily a tea drinker, unless it was iced. I took an experimental sip. "It should help you feel a bit better. It's peppermint tea." She explained.
Strangely, my stomach did feel a little less turbulent. "I don't know what I caught but this bug is nasty." I said taking another sip of tea.
"I'll bet." She said softly under her breath.
I narrowed my eyes at the evasive answer. She was trying to keep something to herself. "What is that supposed to mean Madam Moseley?" I asked skeptically.
She glared at me sharply. "Girl, I am not some crackpot TV psychic." She snapped at me. "If you weren't housing a parasite that was going to make the next eighteen years of your life miserable I would whack you with a spatula." She snarked.
I raised an eyebrow. "A parasite? Missouri I've got some kind of flu." I said.
She chuckled breathlessly. "Yeah a flu. Honey do you think I was born yesterday?" She asked me arching an eyebrow in my direction.
I blinked at her not understanding what she was getting at. I glanced over at John and he looked a bit lost himself.
"Don't you think you're getting a bit old to have kids running around?" She asked him. John glanced at me, and the look we shared was one of complete confusion.
"What the hell are you talking about Missouri?" He demanded. My lips quirked at the ends I was waiting for the spoon to come out. I wasn't disappointed. My expression caved when he caught her arm lightly preventing her from making contact. Damn that would have been funny.
"Oh my God no. No freaking way!" I said leaping up and backing away from the couch. "What. Just, Jesus, God No!" I said spluttering and not making any sense.
"Wait, oh damn." John said. Better late than never, we looked at each other for a minute.
I whirled pressing a hand to my mouth and heading straight back to the washroom. This time tears accompanied the buildup of pressure and I let them fall.
I reached up and flushed the toilet as a knock sounded on the door, and then it opened, as John strode into the small confines of the bathroom. He grabbed a washcloth and wet it, kneeling down on the floor and pressing it against my face, wiping away the perspiration and traces of tears.
"What the hell are we going to do, John? This was definitely not part of the plan." I said dejectedly, leaning against John's shoulder. He was a constant in my life; since I was ten years old, he'd always been there. He always would be as far as I was concerned. He would know what to do.
"I don't know sweetie. Right now we'll take this one day at a time." He said softly, smoothing my hair back as I leaned against his chest.
I tilted my face up to his neck, once again using mouth breathing to combat the nausea. But the steady reassuring beat of his pulse soothed me. I swallowed past a bundle of nerves and took a deep breathe preparing to bare my soul to this man.
He wouldn't turn on me for my insecurities. He had seen me at my worst my entire life and he'd never turned away from me. I had so many insecurities and each time I tended to attack and push people away as a defense mechanism.
John had spoken the truth many years ago when he'd once told me I was absolute shit at expressing any type of emotion or fear. That I would rather push people away and be alone than allow myself to be hurt by the people I loved.
I was so tired of being alone. I needed a family. I had the chance to make one right here and now with this man whom I was so incredibly in love with. And I was going to take it.
"John." I began uncertainty wavering through my voice. "I'm sorry I lied to you about the nightmares I was having about Yellow Eyes. If I had figured out the connection earlier, I would have told you that. You know that right?" I questioned pulling back slightly in his arms to look into his gaze.
His eyes softened as he looked at me. "I know sweetheart." He said softly. "To me it felt like you didn't trust me enough to talk to me about what you were going through." He sighed lifting a handed running it through his hair. "And I know that isn't the truth you've always been straight with me and trusted me with things you wouldn't trust anyone else with, that's why I couldn't understand why this was so bad. What could possibly be so bad that you felt like you couldn't trust me?" He asked.
I blinked looking away from him. My voice came out small and weak, but for once, I wasn't crying. "When I was possessed back in Palo Alto, I could hear him talking to me. He was saying such awful things. Things I know I shouldn't have believed."
John remained silent simply looking at me waiting.
"He said that I was a newer model. A replacement for the wife you'd lost." I said fighting back tears. I wouldn't let them fall.
John leaned forward his gaze meeting mine. "Nicole, what I feel for you, is something so different, to what I felt for my wife, I'm not even sure it's the same thing. With her in the beginning everything felt exciting and new, but then when the kids were born our relationship felt like it had become nothing more than one huge fight. Now I loved my wife. I did. I was faithful I never cheated on her, but with her it was a different kind of love. But I did the best that I could do for her. I loved her in my own way. I gave her my loyalty, I stood for her, I protected and provided for her, and my children. But it wasn't what you and I have." He said his eyes begging me to understand.
I opened my mouth prepared to voice another thought.
"Hold on." He said. "Just let me get this out."
I nodded waiting with my heart in my throat, love, and tears shining through in my eyes.
"When I'm with you, I feel emotions so much more clearly, every bad emotion cuts just a little bit sharper. Every happy smile or laugh from you makes me feel complete. Every battle we go through and make it out the other side, I realize you're the one for me. You're my warrior woman." I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous term, giving John a small smile in response.
"When I touch you I feel the best part of me being touched. I feel like with you by my side we can accomplish anything." John said smiling at me lightly. Then his gaze narrowed turning serious. "Now what else did that demonic son of a bitch say to you?"
"Nothing much really, just with the nightmares it was kinda like putting him on repeat and my brain sort of supplied the rest." I answered honestly.
"Okay. So what did your neurotic crazy brain supply you with now?" John asked with a wry smile, nudging me with a shoulder.
"Ha ha." I mocked closing my eyes. Being with John was so easy. If I just let go everything came naturally, freely. We were happy, even when our world was crashing down around us. "We have the same birthday." I said softly. Thinking back to my birthday a few months ago when we'd finally officially celebrated my birthday together. It had been wonderful and I'd loved every minute of it, but at the same time I'd felt like he wasn't with me. He was seeing Mary or all the similarities we held.
"Honey, that's a coincidence. I can guarantee you I did not fall in love with you because of the day you were born. I fell in love with you because you're smart, funny, and if someone jabs you with a stick you'll shoot them. You don't rely on anyone to save you. You can handle yourself. And I gotta tell you babe a woman that can handle an AK 47 as well as you can that's a total turn on." He said grinning down at me.
I offered him a light chuckle in response. I was awesome with guns.
"We'll deal with this. The same way we always have together. I love you, more than life itself and that will never change." He said holding my gaze.
"I love you too John Winchester." I said almost pressing my lips to his. Then I remembered why I'd been in here in the first place. "But I'll have to get back to you on the kiss." I said wryly moving to stand up and reaching down a hand to help him up. We walked back into the living room where Missouri was and I felt better than I had in months.
Cole's POV
Later in the Afternoon
Missouri Moseley's
"Cole. Come on and give me a hand I'm gonna teach you how to make this tea, to help with your nausea." Missouri said.
"Uh, yeah sure." I said moving to stand up. I was still really freaked out over the fact that I was pregnant, John and I were going to have a lot to discuss on this one.
I moved into the kitchen with Missouri, who was explaining to me the combination of herbs I was going to need. She actually had already thrown together a box filled with herbs and dried tea leaves, and had prepared on the flap of the box the ingredients and how exactly to make the tea.
I looked at it, tears in my eyes. I was so blaming it on the out of control emotions of being pregnant. I wasn't normally so touchy feely with strangers, however this woman had shown me such kindness in the small amount of time I had known her I couldn't help but hug her to me tightly.
"Thank you so much Missouri." I said softly. Unable to find any other way to express how much gratitude I was feeling.
She smiled and gave a breathy little laugh. "You're welcome honey." She said.
"You know I realize you two have had your differences even in coming here. But he really does view you differently than he did her." She said.
I looked down fiddling with the box reading through the instructions. "I know that. Sometimes I just feel like our whole relationship has been nothing but one huge battle. No one around us thinks it could work except for maybe Beth. Everyone else: Dean, my dad, even complete strangers they all judge us. Sometimes I want to give up," I said quietly honestly.
"Then I look at him, and I think there's no way I'd ever be able to give him up, I'm nowhere near strong enough. I feel like to give him up would be giving up the best parts of myself." I said tears forming in my eyes. I reached up brushing them away, I would not cry.
"Cole, the bond you two have is unbelievable, I think that it is very rare one walks this earth and finds their true soul mate, but that is what the two of you have. Sweetie you can't give that up. You've got to fight tooth and nail for it." She said softly.
I nodded keeping silent, I knew she had a lot more to say on the subject.
"When I first met John he was a broken man, dark, and filled with despair and also one of the strongest wills I'd ever seen. He took something so horrible and turned it into one of the greatest gifts a man ever could. He used it to train you, Beth, Sam, and Dean. To make you strong. Strong enough to survive the dark times."
I glanced up at her sharply. Dark times? That sounded unpleasant.
I opened my mouth to question her but she cut me off abruptly.
"In a minute child, I'm trying to get this out." She said sharply.
"His aura in the beginning was dark, muted colors, grays and blacks, there were other colors present as well but they were darkened so much by what he'd gone through. And then he brings you to meet me. You aura is so unbelievably bright, happy, full of life and energy." I snorted at that, offering her a wry smile. "I know you love to think you're a bad ass. And you are. But you are so unbelievably compassionate, that is what allowed you to become a nurse, to find other ways to help people. You're afraid of being hurt and you cover it by humor, sarcasm, fighting, and aggression. But at your deepest core you are such a warm and caring person. I'm happy to have met you Nicole." She said smiling warmly at me.
I smiled back at her. I couldn't even say anything. God this baby was bad for my image. "I'm so glad to have met you too Missouri." I said.
"Now, don't be a stranger, if you ever need anything, come find me." She said rising from her chair, I nodded up at her reassuringly. I would.
John's POV
The Next Day
Missouri Moseley's
The kids had returned to the Winchester house overnight, finding that the hex bags they'd used with Missouri hadn't been enough to banish the poltergeist in the house. Instead, they'd come very close to death themselves, only to have Mary save them.
"That boy he has such powerful abilities." Missouri said softly in awe. She turned away from the table where she'd deposited her things coming into the room Cole and I were currently in. "Why he couldn't sense his own father, I have no idea."
"Mary's spirit – do you really think she saved the boys?" I asked her.
"I do." Missouri said. There was a pause, then Missouri spoke again. "John Winchester, I could just slap you. Why won't you go talk to your children?" She asked. I glanced sadly over at Cole. Her expression mirrored my own. She knew it was too dangerous, we had two very lethal predators on our asses and they'd come close to killing us both a few times now.
"I want to..." I said. "You have no idea how much I want to see them. But I can't. Not yet. Not until I know the truth." Cole scooted towards me, running reassuring comforting hands along my back. She might not agree with all of my decisions but she was loyal and she would stand by me whatever course we decided on.
"Well..." Missouri said. "You might not get a choice on that one." She said suddenly. "Come in Beth!" She called out. I froze, pulling swiftly away from Cole and signalling her to stay silent and remain where she was. I couldn't hurt Beth by letting her know I'd chosen Cole over my own children to help me defeat this demon.
I stood, coming through the door and standing in the hallway was Beth. I gave her a stern look, while appraising my daughter. Trying to decide the best way to protect her. "Hey Beth." I said softly.
I saw tears welling in her eyes and she opened and closed her mouth several times as though she wanted to say something but couldn't quite form the words. She settled for crossing the hallway to hug me to her, tears filling her eyes. I caught a few stifled sobs. My heart ached with how much I was putting my children through. "You've been here all along. Why didn't you tell us." Beth asked pulling back to give me a hurt expression, while anger laced her words.
I smiled at her sadly. "I couldn't Beth, not yet."
"Not yet! What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She asked, running a hand through her hair, and looking at me. "All these months we've been looking for you, all those phone calls, and you never once..." She trailed off, looking at me, tears running down her cheeks. "Do you know how worried Dean is? How worried we all are?"
"I'm sorry Beth. I am. I'm sorry I have to do this to you three. But it's not safe." I said, reaching out and grabbing her by the shoulders.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"I'm on to something, something I can't tell you yet, for your own safety. You have to trust me Beth. You can't tell Dean I'm here. You can't tell anyone."
"No..." She said softly, shaking her head. "No you can't ask me to do that."
"Yes, I can. And I am." She shook her head again refusing to obey me.
"Beth. I am your father, and you will obey me. I'm giving you an order Beth. You won't speak a word of this to Dean or Sam." I said sternly, resorting to the one thing, I knew she would always listen to. My rules kept them safe, all of them.
She stared at me, fighting back tears, struggling with what I had just told her to do. She sighed, closing her eyes almost in resignation. She swallowed hard, and looked up at me. "Yes, sir." She said quietly.
I looked at her for a moment, assessing her, weighing her commitment and then nodded, letting her go. "Good." I said.
"So what do I do?" She asked me, uncertainly.
I turned looking back at her. "Go back to Dean, and Sam. You keep your head down, don't do anything stupid, and you stick to the job. I'll let you know where I need you, when I need you. But you don't breathe a word of this to either of them, not until I'm sure it's safe."
"Yes, sir." She said, taking a steadying breath. My gaze softened when I looked at her. I stepped back into her pulling her into another hug. "I'm sorry Beth, I don't mean to be harsh, but you know your job, you know I wouldn't ask anything like this of you if it wasn't important." I said looking into her eyes willing her to understand.
"I know." She said, looking down. "How long am I going to have to pretend to them?" She asked.
I sighed unsure of the answer. "I don't know. Not long, I hope."
She nodded.
"God it's good to see you." I smiled at her, cupping her face affectionately. "I'm so proud of all of you." I said as a fresh tear traced down her cheek.
She sniffed and nodded. "We miss you. We need you Dad, we need you with us."
"You don't, not anymore." I said sadly.
She shook her head, disagreeing.
"Ok. You better go before they come in looking for you." I said, kissing her forehead.
Beth paused for a moment, before reaching into her pocket and pulling out a rosary, placing it in my hands and closing my fingers around it. My eyes widened and I looked at Beth. "You forgot this..." She said. "In Jericho."
My eyes watered for a moment, and I blinked the tears away, looking down at the rosary before placing it around my neck.
"I love you Beth, you stay safe, and you keep those boys out of trouble." I said, looking at her.
She nodded. "I will." She whispered.
Missouri took her by the arm, throwing her a sympathetic look, guiding her to the door. I allowed myself a small sad smile, as I recognized the heavy heart she was carrying with her at being forced to leave me behind. But it was safer this way they couldn't know not yet.
Author's Notes
Song for this chapter is All In by Lifehouse
Another chapter down and in a matter of days! You guys are very lucky!
Now I realize I am moving through this unbelievably fast but if I don't see a story I can't exactly write it now can I? Now I have a few questions and I would like some answers my reviewers. I'm getting closer to John dying. Do you guys want me to end the story a chapter or two after that? Or would you like to know more about Cole and JJ where they go from here basically? What do you the reader think John Winchester knew before he went to Hell? I personally think he knew that to break would be a very bad idea. Maybe not necessarily why it would be bad, but just that it would be bad. I think he knew that Sam would go dark side but I do not think that he knew about the ultimate survivor competition. What do you guys think?
I have several plot ideas in mind however depending on the responses I get from this will determine whether or not I continue with the story.
As always thank you so much to the lovely Belladonna78! You are an amazing Beta and I cannot wait til the next chapter!