Welcome to this last chapter. It's just a bit on the short side but it is a last chapter.
DeGrassi Saviors note: Readers of dragonsprit's stories he will soon be updating his DeGrassi stories so keep an eye on the website for more news.
Ch. 5 Still Trying to Get Both Feet Back onto the Ground
(JOHNNY)
We get out of the car and I put my arm around Clare as we begin walking through the cemetery where Eli's memorial is being held. He was cremated and his family is going to spread his ashes somewhere important to him. There's no burial but there is a plaque, a place for people to come and pay their respects, a place for his family to visit and lay flowers.
"I change my mind I can't do this. I can't look his parents in the eye they must hate me," Clare says stopping suddenly.
"They don't hate you Clare, they don't blame you at all. They'll be glad you're here," Adam assures her as he comes up behind us and puts a hand on her shoulder.
She looks at all of us, we all smile at her and she takes Adam's hand we walk over to the gathering crowd. Jenna and Alli come over and hug Clare before standing near Dallas. There's a lot of people here, I recognize Simpson and a couple other teachers from DeGrassi, a lot of students probably from DeGrassi but I also see a couple with NYU sweatshirts or bags, even one guy with an NYU lapel pin.
Clare sees everyone and does her best to hide behind me and Owen but we don't let her. We each put an arm around her, hug her slightly to remind her that we're here. Mrs. Dawes goes up to the podium and welcomes everyone to this gathering for Eli, she says a few words about the tragedy of young deaths, suicide and never giving up. Then Miss Dawes reads a couple of Eli's favorite poems and Clare begins to tear up. When Miss Dawes reads a poem Eli wrote himself Clare kind of loses it and turns into me sobbing heavily on my chest. Simpson says a few words, then Adam speaks about his friend and Clare continues to bawl on my chest but she stays and listens. When another student from NYU begins to talk Clare tugs at my shirt.
"I want to go now, I can't stay any longer," she tells me.
"Okay then we'll leave," I reply and look at Owen and he nods.
We leave quietly, Adam and the others know why we're leaving and understand, hopefully Eli's parents do as well. We get back in the car and Owen drives us back to the apartment. Clare sits on the sofa and curls her knees up to her chest.
"That didn't help at all I don't feel any better," she remarks.
"At least you went, you may not realize it now but I think I did help and you can say goodbye to Eli in your own way and your own time," I tell her sitting next to her.
"Are you hungry or anything?" Owen asks but Clare just shakes her head.
"I feel kind of sick, can I lie down in your bed?" She asks.
"Of course," I smile. She gives me a small grin and gets up going into my room and closing the door. "I am hungry," I comment and Owen nods in agreement.
"I'll order a pizza."
Owen orders pizza and breadsticks, I turn on the TV and then while waiting for the pizza we both change out of funeral clothes into comfortable clothes. Clare looks up when I come in the room before closing her eyes again as I grab clothes. I pay for the pizza when it arrives and just as we start eating Adam calls to check on Clare but she's sleeping. He asks that she call him when she wake up and I tell him I'll pass the message on. Clare sleeps for a couple of hours and then runs out of the room to the washroom and we hear her tossing her cookies, Owen and I look at each other.
"Withdrawals," Owen and I say together.
"You okay? You want some water?" I ask her.
"No I don't want water, I need more of what Zig gave me," she says rinsing her mouth and spitting it in the sink.
"No you don't Clare, your body is going through with withdrawals. It's going to suck for a couple of days but I'll be here with you," I tell her. She's sweating and shaking slightly, she tries to walk past me but I hold onto her.
"No I need to find Zig and get more…more…"
"You don't even know what he gave you Clare. I guarantee whatever it was you don't need more of it. You should have some water and lie down again," I assert holding onto her tightly despite the fact that she's fighting me.
"No, no I need to go I don't want to lie down. I can't be here my mom's going to find me here," she shrieks in a voice laced with paranoia.
"Your mom doesn't know you're here Clare, she's been told that you're safe and that's all. There's no way she can find you here," I insist to her.
"Johnny's right Clare she couldn't and even if she somehow did we'd never let her in," Owen assures her. "And I know you don't want to drink water but you're going to," Owen informs her.
He gets her legs while I keep hold of her arms and we get her to the sofa. We physically have to hold her down and force the water down her throat. Owen's been around plenty of high and drunk people but he's never seen this part of things. I can see that he's a little scared but he's holding it in and not showing Clare. I on the other hand have seen this part, I've actually been through this part myself. Her body and mind are working against her right now, making her think she needs more drugs and nothing else. I know withdrawal symptoms are different depending on the dependency and the person so we'll need to be prepared for nearly anything.
After we get some water into her we let her go and she starts pacing the apartment. She paces for a while and then sits and just shakes and then she'll get up and pace again. She does that for about an hour and I remember Adam wanted her to call but she's in no shape to call him.
"Can you watch her for a few minutes while I call Adam?" I ask Owen.
"Yeah I got her no worries," Owen says looking back at Clare.
She's sitting on the window seat rocking back and forth and talking to herself. As long as she's not trying to run or hurt herself we'll just let her do what she feels like and let the withdrawal run its course. I get up and go into my bedroom getting out my phone and calling Adam.
"Is she okay? Why didn't she call?" Adam asks frantically when he answers.
"She's going through withdrawals, we're keeping an eye on her. It's not pretty but she's okay, she just needs to get this out of her system."
"I want to come over and keep an eye on her too."
"I don't think that's a good idea Adam."
"I'm going to feel better if I'm there watching her than if I'm at home wondering about it," Adam persists.
"Okay come on over but prepare yourself it could be ugly," I warn him.
"I'll be over soon," he says and hangs up.
I put my phone back in my pocket and go out to the living room. Clare is vomiting again, she hasn't exactly eaten much and it occurs to me that we're going to need to replace what she's losing.
"Adam's coming over to help watch her, when he gets here can you run out and get some sports drinks and stuff. She'll probably vomit again but we need to replace what she's losing as much as we can."
"Yeah no problem," Owen nods.
Clare spends about five minutes straight vomiting and then just slumps down in the washroom. She's shaking and sweating so I pick her up and take her into my room. I manage to get her under the covers when there's a knock on the door and Owen lets Adam in. Just as Adam comes in Clare gets out of the covers and runs back to the washroom to vomit again. She barely makes it and ends up throwing up in the tub instead of the toilet.
"I'm going to get her some sports drinks because she'll probably be doing that a lot, and we'll probably need to force them into her," Owen tells Adam.
Owen grabs his coat and leaves, Adam takes off his coat and watches Clare in the washroom. Clare slumps down again after vomiting and I realize she's the only one who didn't change but she doesn't really have clothes here. However, I'm sure that being in that dress can't be comfortable so I go into my room and pull out the most comfortable t-shirt I have and a pair of sweat shorts she should be able to wear.
"Clare you should change out of that dress," I tell her taking the clothes into the washroom. Adam is standing in the washroom doorway watching her tremble and sweat and listening to her groan. "Can you help her change? I don't think she'll be able to do it on her own the way she's shaking," I say to Adam handing him the clothes.
"Uh yeah," he nods slowly taking the clothes. I think he was a bit in shock at the actual sight of Clare in withdrawals but he snaps out of it. He steps in and closes the door and I hear Clare arguing with him a little about getting her undressed. He finally seems to convince her to let him help.
"I got a bunch, some protein shakes and bars too," Owen says setting the bags in the kitchen.
Adam comes out of the washroom and lays her dress over one of the stools in the kitchen. Clare is now in my clothes but she's just lying on the washroom floor so I go in and pick her up.
"No I'm just going to throw up again just leave me in here," Clare protests as I bring her out to the sofa.
"You probably will but you need to drink this to replace the fluids you're missing," I tell Clare.
Owen opens a bottle, puts a straw in it and gives it to Clare. She sniffs at it and makes a face before trying to hand it to Adam.
"Come on Clare you need to drink a little, a few sips please," Adam begs her shoving the bottle back at her.
She closes her eyes and takes a few sips, Owen gives her some water to drink and she sits with us for a moment. She almost looks like she's going to sleep again but she's shaking and sweating still. And then she gets up and starts pacing again, around the apartment mumbling a little before she throws up and we force her to drink more of the sports drink. This goes on all night, none of us really sleep we just sit up watching her. Finally at about eight she falls asleep and stays asleep, Owen and I should probably be sleeping too but we have something else on our minds.
"She'll probably sleep for another hour or two. We're going to find Zig and kill him but if you want someone else to be here with you if she wakes up again you can," I tell Adam.
"I'll call Drew, Bianca can stay with me while you guys go kill Zig," Adam says.
He gets out his phone and calls his brother, when he hangs up he tells us Drew, Dallas and Bianca are on their way over. Drew and Dallas will come with us and Bianca will be here with Adam. They arrive a few minutes later and we leave almost as soon as they get here. Clare's still asleep and I know she's in good hands with Adam and Bianca. We drive around for a bit trying to track down where Zig lives, we find out his house was raided by the cops after they called 911 because Clare tried to kill herself in the bathtub. Some gangbanger he was living with got arrested but Zig is in the wind. Still between me and Owen and the people we know we manage to find Zig and have a couple of guys hold him for us.
"He's all yours," Nic says letting go of Zig.
"Owen I didn't do anything," Zig pleads.
"Bullshit Novak you found Clare in a vulnerable state and got her high then molested her," Owen growls while I grab him by the shirt.
"She never said no and she told me she wanted to be numb," Zig argues.
"You knew what happened and why she was like that if you were a man at all you would have found one of her friends instead of giving her who knows what kind of drugs and taking advantage of the fact that she was temporarily broken," I snarl at him in one raging breath.
Zig opens his mouth to argue but I don't want to hear it, nothing he can say can possibly justify what he did to her. He took her when she was broken and took advantage of it in every way he could. He made her dependent on him to feel numb because she didn't want to feel the pain of Eli's suicide.
I punch Zig in the face as hard as I can, Owen hits him in the gut, Drew and Dallas hit him too. For a couple of minutes we just beat the crap out of him, taking our anger out on his body for what he did to Clare. The we drop him and he falls to the ground, the angry side of me wants to keep hitting him, beat all my anger into him but that won't teach him anything.
"You stay away from Clare, don't go near her ever again. Next time you find a girl or anyone broken like that try helping them instead of making it worse," I say to Zig and then we leave. I don't know if he heard anything I said but it doesn't matter he'll remember the beating and maybe if he ever finds himself in that situation again he'll handle it differently.
We return to the apartment, Adam and Bianca are on the sofa. I'd ask where Clare is but I hear the shower going, considering how much she was sweating I'm sure she felt gross and wanted to shower.
"Did you find Zig?" Adam asks.
"Yes we did and we beat him good. How's Clare?" Owen questions.
"She woke up about twenty minutes ago and wanted to shower. She doesn't have any other clothes here and didn't want us to leave so I gave her more of your clothes," Adam says.
"That's fine. She'll probably want to stay here for another day or two. Even if she doesn't want to we probably should keep her here for a couple of days. She might not be done with withdrawal symptoms yet and she probably won't feel very good for a couple of days," I comment and Owen nods in agreement.
"We can go get Clare some clothes and some stuff from her house. Come on Babe let's go to Clare's house," Bianca says getting up and grabbing Drew's hand.
"But I'm hungry after beating up Zig," Drew whines as she pulls him out the door.
"Actually I'm pretty hungry too," I remark as they leave.
"Yeah me too, Dallas come with me to get some grub," Owen says and Dallas nods. Shortly after they leave we hear the shower turn off and a couple minutes later the door opens and Clare comes out.
"Feeling better?" I ask her.
She comes over and Adam moves over so she can sit between us, "A little better."
"Owen and Dallas went to get some food and Bianca took Drew to get some stuff from your house," I tell her and she nods in acknowledgement before leaning back on the sofa. "Owen and I want you to stay here for a couple days."
"I don't want to go home," she whispers.
"You don't have to Clare, not until you're ready," I assure her.
She smiles and leans over giving me a soft, tender kiss on the cheek.
(CLARE)
"You sure you want to do this today? I'll happily bring you back tomorrow," Johnny says as he parks the car.
"I'm sure, I haven't been ready to do this until now. I know Thanksgiving seems like a bad day to do it but I need to say goodbye to Eli. I need to let him go and I need to do it today, I've been holding onto all of this for three weeks, since the moment I turned and saw his broken body on the road and I don't want to hold onto it for a second longer."
"You want me to go with you?" Johnny offers.
"No, I need to do this on my own," I assert.
"I'll be here when you get back," Johnny says and I smile.
I get out of the car and walk slowly through the other headstones and plaques in the cemetery. I know where Eli's plaque is, I do remember the funeral but I didn't want to be here. It's a simple plaque with his name, date of birth and date of death. I kneel down on the grass and run my fingers over his name on the plaque. There's fresh flowers on the grave probably left by his parents, and possibly Adam, earlier this morning.
"This seems a little silly, you're not even here your ashes aren't here this is just a plaque. A metal piece with your name but maybe that's why I felt I could talk to you here, because you've never been here and you aren't here. I'm still having a little trouble being in the places you've been, places where I see you, where memories of you and I become real and take me back and wash me with so many emotions I can't name them all. It's hard for me to be at school which is why I can only go for half a day. Principal Simpson has been fairly understanding, Drew's been exceedingly understanding but I know it won't last forever. I can't set foot in Adam's house still, or mine for that matter. I've almost moved in with Alli and Jenna these last couple of weeks and I spend a lot of time at Johnny and Owen's place."
I stop for a moment to take a deep breath, moving off my knees and sitting with my legs curled behind me. I look at Eli's plaque, his flowers, and glance back at Johnny's car taking another deep breath before I continue.
"Truth is I'm still angry Eli, angry at you for cheating and I don't understand why. I'm angry at you for stepping in front of that truck! I don't know why you did it, I can't understand why you would do such a thing, I will never understand what you were thinking at that moment. I'm angry at myself for not talking to you, for not at least trying to hear what you had to say. I'm angry that you did something so stupid, so selfish as to take your life in front of me. I'm angry but I don't want to be angry anymore Eli I need to say goodbye and start letting you go. I don't know why you did it Eli, I don't know why you cheated, why you stepped out into the road but I know you're gone. I know you're not here anymore but you'll always be in my heart. Our relationship wasn't perfect, we had our fights but I loved you Eli. You were my first love and as many bad moments as we had we had a lot of good moments too Eli. You did a lot for me Eli, you were there for me during some of the hardest and most terrible times of my life and even though you are gone I will always have that. Goodbye Eli, it's time for me to say goodbye."
I stand up slowly, wiping the tears from my eyes. I start to walk back to Johnny's car slowly and then walk faster, nearly running back to the car. I get in and take a deep breath.
"You okay?" Johnny questions.
"No but I'm getting there, slowly and with time I will be again," I say and Johnny smiles. He starts the car but I reach over and take his hand before he can shift into drive. "I never would have made it through these last couple of weeks without you, and Owen too and my other friends but especially you. You saved me Johnny, you've sat up with me after nightmares, and kept my mom away and kept me from going crazy. I thought what I wanted was not to feel anything so I wouldn't have to deal with Eli's death. As helpful and supportive as everyone's been it's you that's gotten me through it and kept me together at the hardest moments. Staying up nights and talking to you, screaming at you when I was upset or in withdrawal, being in your arms after the worst nightmares. I just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done for me," I tell him before leaning over to kiss cheek and he grins big.
"I was happy to do it Clare. I liked spending all the time with you. Besides you're about to suffer through a DiMarco family Thanksgiving with me and that is more than enough payback for what I did for you," Johnny says as he starts driving and I giggle.
I lean back and watch the clouds pass as we drive. Life sure can take some crazy turns, a few weeks ago I was happily dating Eli, and then I found out he was cheating on me. I stopped talking to him or taking his calls and broke up with him. In an attempt to talk to me he came to Toronto, begged me to talk to him and I refused so for whatever reason he stepped into the road and was mangled by a truck. I didn't see him get hit but I saw the aftermath and that image has not left my mind since. I saw Eli get crushed and I broke down, that's not even right I totally lost myself. I found Zig and a way to not feel and almost killed myself. And my knights in shining armor were Johnny and Owen. My shoulder to cry on, my comfort in these last weeks of all people has been Johnny DiMarco, a boy I could barely stand when he was dating Alli and now I find I want to be with him.
I look over at Johnny, he looks at me and we both grin at the same time. I reach over taking his hand, he smiles and interlaces our fingers.
Well that's it for this story, replacing this will be Another Chapter in My History Around Guys.