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Crossroads in Life
Written by Princess Kayla
Inspired by Naoko Takeuchi's "Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon"
Chapter Three
View from a Rabbit
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Stepping through the automatic doors and into the shimmering world, I took a deep breath and slowly released it. The steam from my lips lifted into the air. I couldn't help but squint because of the level of sunlight hitting the snow. I loved winter with its crisp air, but it was becoming difficult to stay content because of the confining feeling in my heavy coat. My body was telling me it was ready to shed the layers and welcome spring. However, the idea of spring brought conflicting feelings. The coming one would be my last as a child. Shaking off the anxiety, I turned to my companion as we exited the hospital. "I can't believe I start my final term of high school on Monday."
"Time flies by," Mamoru stated. Even though I tried to hide my apprehension, he noticed it and sought to encourage me, "Are you worried about leaving high school?" I looked at the ground. He added, "You don't need to be. You will be fine. You just have to start thinking about where you want to go to college, what you want to major in, and set your sight on those goals."
"Wow," I groaned, "I thought you were trying to help me decrease my nerves, not increase them!"
He laughed, "I'm sorry. I forget how different we are sometimes."
"Yes," I replied, "I would never major in international business."
"Well, that makes sense because you have no interest in it," he pointed out the true fact. Mamoru was attending a local prestigious college that he had planned on attending when he first moved to Tokyo. His goal was to become a businessman, but sometimes I sensed he didn't really want to do that. I was unsure of that feeling because it was clear he was resolute in that career choice.
I thought about Minako and her exciting determination to enter the world of theater. That aspiration began at a very young age. I recalled our many childhood moments that involved made-up plays where she was the star. I would applaud her and she would smile so brightly. She never lost that enthusiasm. Sometimes, I wondered how the quieter Motoki was able to keep up with her over-the-top personality, but he stood by her. He had already entered the local technical college for engineering. While, I knew Minako had no clue about engineering, she constantly encouraged him. It was clear, they were more than just boyfriend and girlfriend; they were supporting partners. It was very sweet.
"Have you thought of any specific majors?" Mamoru brought me out of my thoughts.
I tried to imagine what I would want to commit my life to, but my brain hurt at the thought. "No," I mumbled, "Can't I just stay a kid and not have to grow up?"
"Usako, I think you will always be a kid," he smiled, and I couldn't help but smile too. "I think you will be inspired by something and then know that is what you want to do."
"Okay," I sighed. "Why don't we talk about something fun?"
"Like?" he asked slowly.
"Like..." I grinned, "Hot chocolate!"
"Of course," he laughed, "I bought some the other day. Want me to make some?"
"Yes!" I said eagerly as we headed to his apartment.
. . .
"Make sure you put extra sugar in mine!" I shouted into the kitchen as Mamoru made the hot chocolate. I heard him laugh and realized that he probably remembered my usual order. "Thank you!" I shouted again and went to his bookshelf. Mamoru had his own library; he was always reading. As I traced my fingers across the spines of the many books, I noticed something. Many of his books were about biology, anatomy, and the like. There were only a handful of business related books.
"Looking for anything special?" Mamoru asked as he entered the room with two mugs, one covered in whipped cream.
I shrugged, "Not really; just looking."
He sat down on the couch and sipped his chocolate. "You probably aren't interested in anything over there. I think you'd probably find most of the books boring."
"Mamo-chan? Did you read all of these books?" He nodded at my question and I continued, "The majority of these books are about the medical field. Do you want to be a doctor?"
Not meeting my eyes, he shrugged, "I just think it is an interesting topic."
"You've never said anything about it before," I stated.
"It's nothing really."
"I think it is," I retorted, "It doesn't seem like you want to work in business."
"What does it matter?" he questioned and I noticed a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Earlier, you told me that I would be inspired by something and then know what I wanted to do with my life. I don't think business really inspires you," I explained adamantly, "You even volunteer at the hospital, and I know you love that." I shook my head, "Why are you planning on spending your life doing something that you don't like when you could study to be a doctor? You have the best grades of anyone I know! I bet you could get accepted to one of the best schools."
"Don't worry about it, Usako," he said flatly, "It doesn't matter if I wanted to be a doctor or not. I have to study business."
"Why?" I was confused.
"My...old man...he's done a lot for me. He owns a large, international business, and needs someone worthy to take his place. He wants me to do it, and I have to repay him for everything by doing so. That's why," Mamoru clarified in a tone of irritation.
Shaking my head, I sat down beside him, "Mamo-chan, you shouldn't do something you hate to make your father happy. If he loves you, I'm sure he will understand."
"Usako..." his voice was low.
"Why don't you just apply to some colleges and see what they say? What could that hurt?" I suggested and frowned since he wouldn't look at me. Gently, I placed my hand on his chin and turned him to face me. "You are always trying to encourage me. Let me encourage you."
We sat there like that, staring into each other's eyes. His deep blue orbs drew me into a trance. Unconscious of my movements, I ran my finger over his lips, wiping the little bit of chocolate away. He let out a warm breath, and as it brushed my fingertip, a shiver ran down my spine. My heart began to race uncontrollably. Yes, I knew he was handsome, but, in that moment, he seemed so much more. For some reason, my own lips signaled an unexpected yearning; I felt myself lean in.
Abruptly, everything was halted as he moved my hand away. He awkwardly stood up and stepped away, "I just remembered that I haven't finished preparing for my first class on Monday."
"Oh." I lowered my hand once I realized I had left it extended in the air. Slowly, I stood up and walked to the door. He beat me there, holding my jacket in the air for me to step into it. Once I was zipped up, he opened the door. He wouldn't look at me, so, uncomfortably, I stared at my shoes. "We'll talk later, right?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah, later," he replied just as softly.
He slowly shut the door behind me, and I fell up against it. Laying a hand on my chest, I felt the pound of my racing heart and took a deep breath. Distress seized me, and I wondered aloud, "What just happened?"
. . . . . . . . . .
My chest hurt as I ran as quickly as my feet could carry me. It was the first day of my final term, and I was late. I really thought I had gotten past that part of who I was, but I hadn't slept well since Saturday night. The incident with Mamoru had flooded my every thought. We hadn't spoken. I was scared to call him because I was humiliated by my actions. Reliving the moment in my mind, I thought that I was almost going to kiss him. I had never kissed anyone before. My face burned, not from the wind as I ran, but from the embarrassment of leaning in towards him only to have him move away.
I shook my head roughly, trying to shake away all those thoughts. Making a sharp turn, I skidded into the class and quickly took a seat. Letting out some pants and wiping the sweat from my brow, I smiled as the bell made its call. "Made it."
"Quite impressive." I looked over to the seat next to me where a grinning stranger sat. Cheerful dark brown eyes and hair complemented the young man. "Hi, I am Akio Hotomoe."
I smiled, "I'm Usagi Tsukino. Nice to meet you; are you new here?"
"Yes, I moved here over the break," he answered. "So are you taking any interesting classes?" he attempted to make small talk.
Thinking for a moment, I responded, "Well, I'm taking Creative Writing."
"When do you have it?" he asked as he checked his schedule.
I pulled out my schedule from my pocket and looked it over, "After lunch."
"I do, too," he handed me a paper, "See."
I read over it and grinned, "Cool, I wasn't sure I'd know anyone."
"You know, you don't really know me," he laughed.
"Well, maybe we'll get to know each other," I shrugged with a grin.
He returned the smile, "I'd like that." I handed him back the sheet of paper and beamed; it was nice to have someone distract me from the thoughts that haunted me.
. . .
During lunch, I sat at the table next to the window. Unlike usual, I didn't have much of an appetite. I kept wondering what Mamoru was doing. I wondered if he was thinking about me as much as I was thinking about him. Perhaps, I was worrying too much about the whole thing, but I couldn't let the situation go. I closed my eyes, and his own filled my mind. They were so endless, full of secrets that I longed to know. "Mamo-chan…" I sighed. I missed him.
"Usagi?" I opened my eyes as Minako sat her lunch on the table and took the empty seat next to me. "What's wrong?"
"Mamo-chan," I replied.
Minako frowned, "What happened?"
"I think I did something I shouldn't have," I frowned.
"What do you mean?" she asked with concern.
I didn't know what to say, "It's hard to explain. The other day I felt differently when I was with him..."
Her eyes lit up and a smile pulled at her lips. "You felt differently? Like, maybe...you like him?"
"Of course I like him. He's one of my closest friends," I said indifferently.
Rolling her eyes, she sighed, "That's not what I mean, and you know it. I think you like him-like him, Usagi. Maybe even love him."
"What?!" Blushing, I sunk a little in my seat as many eyes turned my way. Keeping my voice reasonable, I retorted, "I do not, I repeat 'do not', love him. We're just friends."
"That's what I used to think about Moto and look how things turned out for us," she stated.
Shaking my head, I explained, "That's you though, Mina. Things are different for me. I don't have feelings for Mamo-chan like you have for Motoki."
Shrugging, she smiled weakly, "Whatever you say, Usagi. But, hey, don't worry anymore about whatever happened between the two of you. Maybe Mamoru is dealing with stress from college. I'm sure you didn't do anything. I'll have Motoki talk to him." My frown deepened, and Minako put her hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry, it will all work out." she winked.
"Hey, Usagi!" Looking around the cafeteria, I caught sight of Akio heading towards us.
"Hi!" I smiled to him then motioned to Minako, "Akio, meet my friend, Minako Aino. Mina, meet Akio Hotomoe."
"Nice to meet you," Minako smiled.
"You, too," he bowed to her then turned to me, "I'll be a little late to Writing. I was wondering if you'd save me a seat next to you."
"Okay," I nodded.
"Thanks! See you later! Nice meeting you, Minako!" With that, he joined some other boys for lunch.
When I looked back at Minako, she was surprised. "Well, Usagi, perhaps he would be better?"
She shocked me, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"He obviously has an immediate crush on you," she determined.
"Mina!" I sighed, "You really need to stop worrying about my love life."
"If I don't, who will?" she poked me in the side, and we both laughed.
. . .
"Did I miss anything?" Akio asked as he sat down next to me in Creative Writing.
"No, the teacher hasn't even arrived yet," I grinned.
He put his books on his desk, "Good. I hope this class is fun." I nodded in agreement.
Finally, the teacher walked in and the class silenced. He was a tall man with gray hair and eyes, covered by a pair of spectacles. He wore a navy blue suit and a marble colored shirt with a red tie. He appeared very wise. He cleared his throat and began, "If you don't like to write or aren't ready to advance your skill, I suggest you get your schedule changed as soon as possible. Otherwise, welcome to Creative Writing. I am Mr. Azuma. I know a few of you think you are good writers, but I will be the judge of that."
He went to the black board and scribed some words in yellow chalk. He wrote, 'An open heart unites souls.' He put the chalk down and clapped his hands once together, "Every year I start the class off with the same assignment. You will be writing a paper on anything that your heart desires to write. It can be a poem, a creative essay, or so forth. You are the author so experiment, imagine and create! Over the course of this class, you will work on this assignment. As your skills advance, your writing will become better. The papers will be due as your midterm. Be prepared; each of you will read your pieces aloud. Now, let's begin with developing your writing abilities."
Paper rustling sounded as we all pulled out pens and notebooks. I stared down at my blank page. I wanted to laugh at myself. Every night I wrote in my journal, but this project overwhelmed me with apprehension. I could write about absolutely anything, but that didn't prevent the 'writer's block' from setting in.
. . . . . . . . . .
The next several weeks seemed to go fast and slow at the same time. It went by fast because teachers had poured on the homework and tests. It was like all the last minute things that needed to be learned in my high school years came down to this final term. As I tried to keep up with everything, my Creative Writing paper loomed over my head. I had brainstormed a couple of ideas, but after a few sentences in, I lost the direction I was taking. I felt like my time was running out.
On the other hand, time felt endless when it came to my relationship with Mamoru. I wasn't wrong about the way the incident had affected our relationship. I hoped that things would go back to normal once I finally saw him again, but I was wrong. I saw him at the Crown a couple of days after, and all that was exchanged between us were small sentences and distant looks. After that, group hangouts were uncomfortable. I knew Minako and Motoki noticed, but I didn't know what to tell them. I didn't feel right talking about everything when I couldn't even talk about it with Mamoru. I tried to convince myself that Mamoru wasn't lying to me when he started canceling hangouts due to being 'busy' with studying and school activities. However, when he quit volunteering at the hospital, I couldn't help but take it personally. Him leaving there soon led to me leaving as well. I didn't like being there without him, anymore.
I was lonely because Minako was also really busy with volleyball and drama club. Motoki was busy with school and work; he had to get a second job to help with the cost of college. I began to hate the word 'busy'.
It was also difficult being at home because I couldn't hide my insecurities well from my parents. Both my mother and father pushed for information about my change in attitude. I remembered when my mother asked me if I had feelings for a boy, and my father overreacted. I determined it was best to avoid all of that.
To help with all of these disappointments, I distracted myself with my new friendship with Akio. He was a nice guy, and we got along pretty well. It wasn't the same as being with Minako, Motoki or Mamoru, but I felt a little better.
"I'm so glad it's finally starting to warm up," Akio said as we walked down the street to the Crown. He smiled at me, "Thanks for hanging out with me today. I'm excited about this café you are taking me to."
"I hope you like it," I said, "I used to go here all the time." We arrived, and being a gentleman, he opened the door for me. After I thanked him and entered, I froze. Mamoru was standing in front of the bar, his back towards us. I swallowed and stepped forward, "Hey, Mamo-chan." Slowly, he turned around. At first I noticed a smile, but it faded when he became aware of Akio's presence. Being polite, I made introductions, "Akio, this is Mamoru. He's a friend of mine." I watched Mamoru's face as I called him 'my friend'. "Mamoru, this is Akio. He's a friend from school."
"Nice to meet you," Akio bowed in greeting.
Mamoru bowed as well, "You, too."
"How are you?" I asked him, "I haven't talked to you in awhile."
He shrugged lightly, "I'm doing okay. I've been busy." There was that horrible word again. "How have you been?" he asked politely.
I smiled weakly, "I've been doing okay."
"That's good." He walked around the counter, "Can I get you two anything?" He shifted into random waiter versus my friend, and my heart ached.
"I would like a cream soda, please," Akio answered him. He then directed towards me, "What about you? My treat."
I could have sworn that Mamoru tensed at Akio's statement. I answered, "A cream soda sounds good."
Akio smiled, "Two cream sodas, please."
"Okay, it will be a minute," Mamoru said and went into the back of the café.
"Shall we," Akio gestured for me to sit at a nearby booth. I followed his lead. We sat down and took out our books. "I feel like we have so many tests next week," he opened his English book, "It's great that you are so good with English."
Sadness hit me. I took a moment and forced a smile, "I used to be tutored. That helped a lot."
"Well, maybe you can pass on what you learned to me," he laughed. He took out a study guide, "Where should we start..." He stopped as Mamoru came to the table and dropped off the two sodas. "Thanks," Akio grinned.
"Yes, thank you," I said softly.
Mamoru nodded, "If you need anything else, let me know." I watched as he walked back to the counter where another customer waited.
"Hey," Akio grabbed my attention, "How is your Creative Writing paper coming?"
I sighed, "I haven't had much luck. It's harder than I thought."
"I agree. I have no clue what to write about," he continued, "It's crazy how we have the opportunity to write about anything and neither of us have a solid idea."
I laughed, "So true. Mr. Azuma said that we should write from the heart, but I don't really know what that means."
"I think that means we write how we feel about something significant...or someone," he paused and an odd expression formed on his face. "Usagi, we're friends, right?" he asked in a serious tone.
His solemnity confused me, "Of course, why?"
"Well, I was wondering if we could be more than just friends," he took a breath, "I really like you, Usagi."
I sat in silent surprise. Akio was so kind to me, but I could never care about him in that way; I just wanted to be his friend. I sighed, "Akio, I like you, but I just can't see us as a couple. Please try to understand, you've been such a great friend to me, but that's all I feel that we can be."
He smiled weakly, "I understand. Thank you for being honest. I hope this doesn't change anything between us. I would hate to lose your friendship."
I reached across the table, took his hand in mine, and smiled, "We will always be friends, Akio. Thank you for understanding." Pausing, I let go and continued to give a sympathetic smile, "I'll be right back. I need to use the restroom." He nodded and tried to hide his disappointment with a grin. Sighing, I got up and headed down the back hall to the bathroom.
Hearing footsteps behind me, I turned around and gasped, "Mamo-chan?" Unexpectedly, he pushed me into the storage room and shut the door. "Mamo-chan, what's your problem?!" I yelled.
"What's going on with you and that guy?" he asked in a stressed voice.
I was taken aback by his sudden interest in my life, "He's my friend from school. Why do you care?"
"You were holding his hand," he stated.
"So, I used to hold your hand," I defended myself, "Why were you watching me?"
"Usako, it's clear that he wants to be more than your friend," Mamoru bypassed my question.
Frustration began to seize me. "What if he does? It's none of your business."
"I'm your friend; it is my business," he declared.
Anger overtook me. "My friend? You have a lot of nerve, Mamoru!" I emphasized the fact that I didn't use his nickname. "You have been so rude to me. You've been ignoring me for a long time. So, you have no right to talk to me like this. Friendship isn't like that!" I bowed my head and quieted my voice, "I know I've acted differently towards you since that night at your apartment. I don't know what came over me. My feelings are all tangled, but I do know that I've missed you terribly. I can't stand this distance."
"Usako." I looked up at him and the look in his eyes confused me. There was a deep sadness and longing. Again, his gaze entranced me, I felt myself leaning forwards, but this time he didn't leave me. Instead, he met me halfway, and our lips touched. It was so soft, but so overwhelming. Emotions poured over me. I wondered if I was feeling his emotions as well. Desire, need, want, and pain - I couldn't handle it. I lost the battle as tears began to roll down my cheeks.
He pulled away, clearly distressed by the sight of my tears. "Usako, I'm sorry," his voice cracked, "Please, don't cry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." He increased the distance between us, clearly distressed, "I should go." I stared at him in disbelief as he left me in the dusty room.
I did my best to collect myself, but I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Finally, my pulse slowed, and I did my best to dry my face with my sleeve. Once I felt secure enough, I returned to Akio. I searched the room for Mamoru, but he was nowhere to be found. Akio immediately stood up when he saw me, "Usagi, are you okay?"
I shook my head, "I'm sorry, I really would like to go home now." I put all my things back in my bag. "I will talk to you tomorrow. I'm sorry for being so rude."
"It's fine, but do you want me to walk you home?" he was clearly concerned.
"No," I refused, "Please, I'm okay. I promise to talk to you tomorrow." He nodded hesitantly and allowed me to leave without any questions. As I walked home, I pulled out my rose necklace from under my shirt. I clenched it tight, and my tears returned.
When I finally made it to my house, I hurried up the stairs as quickly as I could in order to avoid my family. After a long hot shower, where I let my tears run out, I put on my pajamas and went to my room. I crashed on my bed and Luna came right to my side. Purring away, she made herself comfortable. I petted her as I looked outside of my window at the beautiful crescent moon, which only brought back memories of Mamoru. I touched my lips, still able to feel the warmth of his kiss. Closing my eyes, I could see his face in my mind. My feelings cycled their way through me. I tried to determine how I truly felt about Mamoru, and the only thing that was clear to me was how much I wanted to be wherever he was. My eyes opened to look up at the countless stars, and suddenly, words filled me. I reached for the notebook at the foot of my bed. I opened it and put a pen to the blank page. The words poured out of me, begging to be written. I finally had my Creative Writing paper.
. . . . . . . . . .
I clenched my notebook tightly. Our time was up and our papers were due. I sunk down in my seat, fearful of reading my paper allowed. "I don't think that will stop Mr. Azuma from making you read aloud," Akio remarked on my posture. "You finished?" Akio asked as he settled at his desk.
"Just in time," I replied with a sigh.
"So, how are you?" he frowned in concern, "You haven't been yourself since the day we went to the Crown. I don't want to pry, but I'm really worried about you."
"Thank you for your concern, but I'll be okay," I gently smiled.
"Okay, if you need me, I'm here for you," he encouraged.
"I know," I said thankfully.
"Hey, look," he dug in his pocket and revealed a sheet of paper, "Check this out."
I read over it and became confused, "What is this?"
He grinned, "It's a letter from the advertising company that I told you about."
"This means..." A switch went off in my mind.
He beamed, "Yep, I was accepted for the internship."
"Really!" I said with excitement, "This is awesome!"
"I know!" he spoke happily, "I start after college classes start."
"This is great, Akio!" I reached over and gave him a quick hug. As he thanked me, I couldn't help but be a little jealous that he had a plan for after school ended. I still had no idea.
"Class, settle down," Mr. Azuma entered and set his briefcase on his desk. "As you all know, your midterm papers are due today. So who will go first?" His eyes traveled around the room until, to my despair, they stopped on me. "Miss Tsukino, will you please come to the front of the room and share your piece with us?"
I swallowed the enormous lump in my throat and slowly stood up. Akio whispered a 'good luck' as I approached the front of the room. I opened my notebook and gulped.
"Umm...I decided to write a free verse poem," I said softly.
"Speak up. Don't be ashamed of your efforts," Mr. Azuma ordered.
Nodding, I cleared my throat and began, trying to overcome my nerves. "The Unknown Road..."
"Determination led our way,
But it could not hold its own against Fate.
Fate is strong - glorious and tormenting.
I attempted to fight it,
But Fate has won;
Our paths have crossed.
"I still seek the Unknown Road.
I think I know its path;
I am a fool.
I am lost,
And Fate laughs.
It continues to win.
"I struggle with You,
Desperate to go my own way.
Fate stands strong - controlling and foreknowing.
It knows the Unknown Road's end,
Mocking my rebellion,
Altering my desires.
"Desire has stepped in.
Where I was once secure,
I now walk with uncertainties.
Where my yearnings were once tamed,
I now walk with passion.
I long for You.
"I give into Fate.
I rest in its grasp.
I let it guide me;
Will it guide me to You?
Fate, lead me.
Desire, entrance me.
"I wait for You.
Fate knows Your time.
Fate knows Your path.
Will it cross again with mine?
Please, head my way.
I will wait for You.
"Join me and let us say,
'Fate, we trust you.
Desire, we give into you.
Unknown Road, we follow you.
Together we follow you.'
I am with You until the end."
I bowed and to my surprise, the class applauded. "Thank you," I closed my book and returned to my seat.
Mr. Azuma returned to the front and pushed up his pair of glasses. "Miss Tsukino, that was very moving. When I said 'An open heart unites souls,' this is what I meant. When you share your heart, others will connect their emotions to yours. I could tell that piece was written from the depths of your soul, which is a key to being a great author. You still need to advance your skills, but I believe, if you continue to grow, writing would be a good profession for you."
"Thank you," I replied, shocked by his praise.
"You're welcome." He continued class by picking another student to present their piece. As I thought about his comment, I found it hard to pay attention. I enjoyed writing, but I never imagined that it could take me somewhere. I remembered Mamoru's words from last year, 'I think you will be inspired by something and then know that is what you want to major in.' Perhaps this was it. I couldn't wait to tell him. Then, I remembered; things were different now. Again, I found myself missing him.
. . .
When class was over, I made my way down the hall, only to be stopped by Akio. He pulled me over to a small empty hallway. "Akio, is something wrong?" I questioned.
"Sorry, I wanted to talk to you," he explained.
His expression made me uncomfortable, "What about?"
He collected his words, "That poem was about that guy from the Crown, right? Mamoru?" I gasped then nodded slowly. "I knew it," he added.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused by his words.
"You're in love with him," he stated as if it was obvious, but his statement surprised me. I could find no words. His voice softened, "Usagi, please don't deny your feelings. They will torture you."
"But," I whispered.
He touched my arm, "You do love him; we both know it. Now, embrace it. Like you said in your poem; give into your desire." My brain and heart felt like they were pounding away within me, and the random emotions began to link together. But, the emotion of doubt reigned supreme.
. . .
Thunder rolled in the distance as I stepped up to my front door. I kept staring at my feet, my mind wandering back to Akio and his words. I didn't know what it meant to love someone, but I tried to imagine what it was like. I thought about Minako and Motoki. They loved each other. They made each other crazy and constantly wanted to be together. I processed that. Mamoru made me crazy. I constantly missed him; I wanted to be with him. Perhaps, I did love him.
I was startled at the sound of my cell phone ringing. I dug into my book bag and found it. The screen said Minako was calling me. I accepted, "Hey, Mina."
"Usagi!" she shouted, "Where are you?"
"I just got home. What's wrong?" I asked because I could hear concern in her voice.
"Usagi, I just spoke to Motoki," she paused.
I pushed her to continue, "And?"
"Motoki said that he talked to Mamoru, and Mamoru told him," she stopped, and I was suddenly insecure.
"Mina, what is it?" I asked cautiously.
I heard the sadness in her words, "He's moving, Usagi."
Shock claimed my features, sending me into motion. I dropped my books and phone and took off in the opposite direction.
. . .
As I ran through the streets of Tokyo, rain soaked heavily into my clothes. I didn't care; the downpour just camouflaged the tears that were streaming from my eyes. I felt desperate and cried allowed, "Mamo-chan can't leave! Why didn't he tell me?" Turning the corner, his apartment building came into view. I ran up the steps, trying to be careful not to slip. My heart was racing as I arrived at his door, shivering in my dripping wet school uniform. I knocked frantically and waited.
Slowly, the door opened to expose a bristle-chinned Mamoru with his dress shirt slightly open, wrinkled and disheveled. "Usako?" he gasped softly, surprise clear on his face.
I gulped, "Mamo-chan..."
"What are you doing here?" His words came slow and drawn. He looked me over, "You're soaking wet."
"I know. It started raining," I clenched my skirt in my fists, "But, had to see you."
He stared down at me, sadness in his eyes. I could tell he was debating something. He ran a hand through his messy raven hair, and slowly opened the door further, "Come in." I stepped inside, and he shut the door behind me. Quickly, he went and got a towel. Taking it when he returned, I wiped off my face. It was quiet, except for the sound of his breathing and my sniffling. Looking into his living room, I saw many boxes packed with things.
"What did you need?" he asked in his deep voice, breaking the silence.
"Mina told me that you were moving. I guess it's true?" I pointed to the packages. I watched him nod and continued sadly, "Oh, where to?"
"America," he replied.
"America!" I repeated stunned, "Why so far away?"
"I was accepted into Harvard - premed." He looked down at his bare feet, "I talked things over with my old man, and told him I wanted to be a doctor instead of working in the company. I guess you were right about the whole medical thing."
"Oh, that's wonderful," I swallowed, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought it would be better this way," he again rubbed his hand through his hair, "Look, I'm busy right now, so is there anything else?"
He was trying to get rid of me, but I couldn't let it end like that. "Yes, I need to know something." He waited while I tried to find the right words, "Do you..."
"Do I...what?" he asked.
My emotions piled up until all my confusion and sadness simply exploded, "Do you care about me at all? We were so close, and then... I don't know what happened. Something changed." Tears began to fall again, and honesty poured from me, "That day at the Crown, I wanted to kiss you, but I didn't know what it meant or that it would lead us to this point." He began to walk away, but I grabbed his arm, "Please, Mamo-chan. I have missed you so much."
"I can't," he gulped.
"What do you mean?" I begged for an answer.
"I can't let this happen," he pulled away.
"What happen?" I became confused.
He turned back and stared at me, "Us! You and me. It can't work."
His comment stung me. "Why not?"
He sighed in frustration, "Listen to me. I am leaving. I have a different path ahead of me; one that leads away from here - from us." His explanation hurt.
"I don't understand," I told him.
"Please, try. I am not...good. All this pain you have, you don't need to feel it. I am not worth it," he paused, "You don't need me in your life."
"You're wrong," I rebuked, "You are good. I want you in my life. I don't know why you feel this way." I hugged the towel. "You mean a lot to me. It hurts when we aren't talking, when we aren't together. Haven't you missed me?"
He turned his back to me, but I heard him say quietly, "Of course, I have."
"Then why?" I begged for truth.
"Usako, you have made a new friend. You seem really happy with him." I knew he meant Akio. I noticed the aggravation in his voice and recognized the emotion; he was jealous.
"No one can take your place," I declared, "Honestly, you are my best friend." I reached for him, "You are important to me. Can't we go back to the way things were?"
"You know we can't," he said flatly.
I shook me head, "Is this about that kiss? I told you that, yes, I wanted to kiss you, but I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship." I let my hand rest on his shoulder, "Mamo-chan..."
"It's not just the kiss," he whispered, "It's everything it meant." He turned to look at me, "I wanted to kiss you, too. I had wanted to ever since that night here at my place." I recalled the night I traced his lips with my finger; I knew now that I wanted to kiss him that night too. "Usako, I can't understand all of this. I wanted to be your friend, but my desires started getting in the way." He groaned, "Usako, I don't feel right about all of this. We are just imaging things are something that they aren't."
Subconsciously, I reached for my necklace and squeezed the charm. I wanted to admit that I didn't feel right about my desires either, but that was a lie. Everything started to connect within me. I couldn't just be his friend; my emotions were too strong. I desired him. I desired his mind, his body and his heart. I wanted him more than anything else in my life.
He wouldn't look at me, and my heart ached. Again, I looked around the room at the boxes and began to panic. Picturing him gone made me heart stop beating. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't lose him. Quickly, I dropped the towel and pulled him to me. I locked my arms around him and buried my face in his chest. He stiffened, but I didn't let go. "Mamo-chan," I sobbed into his shirt, "Please, don't go. Stay where in Tokyo - with me." Gradually, his muscles relaxed, and his arms circled around me. I looked up at him and knew. I loved him. I loved this man, who I couldn't fully comprehend, and I wanted to learn more about him for the rest of my life.
I felt my toes lift me up as I let my lips brush against his furrowed brow, then to his cheek, and then carefully to his lips. It took a moment, but he closed the gap and the kiss deepened. Forgetting how wet I was, I pushed myself as close to his body as possible. He embraced me deeper. My skin trembled as my cold body absorbed his heat. His firm figure against mine made my desire for him increase. The kiss intensified, and my heart sang. I couldn't believe it; I truly did love him.
We pulled apart and both breathed roughly. While I wanted to smile and cheer, his expression confused me. He seemed so broken and helpless, but I could still see longing and equal desire. My heart hurt for him. There was pain in him, and it seeped into me; I wanted to hold him and comfort him. I rested my hand over his heart; it was pounding. Meeting his eyes, I took a deep breath, "I want to be here, Mamo-chan," I kept my hand on his chest, "I want this." I wanted his heart. I wanted all of him.
This time he kissed me with a passion. He intoxicated me and before I knew it, I had slipped my hand through where his shirt was open to feel his bare chest. His lips then trailed down my neck. His smell consumed me; it reminded me of roses in the summer sun. His hands ran up and down my back eagerly. He then lifted his head, and there was a hunger in his eyes that I was sure mirrored my own. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, and he lifted me off my feet. I was weightless in his arms as he carried me to his bedroom. He gently laid me on his bed, and the room disappeared. Only we remained, together, in our own world of ecstasy.
. . .
My eyes fluttered open. It took a moment to realize where I was. I ran my hand over the sheets and smiled. Stretching, I turned over expecting to see Mamoru, but the bed was empty. I sat up, pulling the sheets close to my bare form. "Mamo-chan?" I called, but there was no answer. Looking around, I noticed a piece of paper on the nearby nightstand. I switched on the lamp and read the handwritten words.
'Usagi, Minako and Motoki left me several messages, asking about you. They said your parents were concerned about you. I told them you forgot your phone, but I was helping you with a school project, and you would be home soon. I had to go out. I don't know when I will be back, but I think you should go ahead and go home before your parents worry more. I will talk to you tomorrow.'
I glanced at the clock to see that it was 11:52 PM; my parents were probably past simple worry. I got up, taking the sheet with me. Looking around, I finally found my clothes, dry and folded on top of his dresser. I dressed and exited his room. The apartment was so quiet and unnerving. I slipped my shoes on and left. After I departed from the building, I paused on the street and looked up at his window. I was confused and felt devastatingly vulnerable. Wrapping my arms tightly around myself, I headed home. The city felt so eerie, so my pace quickened.
My thoughts raced as well. I was dazed. I couldn't believe what had happened. I still felt his touch and shivered at the sensation. A lump filled my throat, and it hurt so much to swallow. He had just left me there instead of waking me up. Perhaps, he just wanted to let me rest, or, perhaps, he didn't want to talk to me in person. Suddenly, I felt sick. My power walk turned into a run. I tried to dash away from my insecurity. I couldn't believe what we had done and couldn't anticipate what it would mean.
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