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Crossroads in Life
Written by Princess Kayla
Inspired by Naoko Takeuchi's "Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon"
Chapter Seventeen
View from a Rose
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As I skipped up the stairs of Hikawa Shrine, I felt exhilarated. I knew without a doubt that I would cherish the night forever. I touched my hand against my chest and could still feel the warmth from Chibiusa, my daughter. Being a father truly terrified me, but as I held her in my arms I was amazed at how natural it felt.
I took the last step, and my heart ached. I missed them already.
"Welcome home," Rei greeted me at the door to the guesthouse.
"Why are you still up?" I asked as I entered my room.
She laughed, "Um...There was no way that I was going to sleep before we talked."
"About what?" I asked with a grin.
"Mamoru," she sat down on the floor in aggravation, "Tell me how it went."
I sat down next to her and sighed happily, "It was wonderful." She grinned as I spoke. "It went so well," I stated, "Chibiusa seemed really comfortable around me. Surprisingly, I was very comfortable as well."
"That's wonderful," she commented, "What about Usagi?"
"I don't know," I replied, "I knew tonight was about my interaction with Chibiusa, but sharing the time with Usagi made it even better." I rested back on the floor with my hands behind my head. Sighing, I continued, "Usagi was always pretty, but seeing her as a mother made her even more beautiful. She amazed me."
"I see," Rei frowned lightly.
I glanced at her in confusion, "What's with that face?"
Shrugging, she replied, "Remember that she is probably still wary of you. She is going to be studying you a lot now. Don't slip up again like you did at the teahouse."
I grimaced as I thought about my conversation with Usagi at the teahouse and how I tried to tell her that I loved her. She stopped me, and I was left feeling incredibly awkward. I told Rei about it, and she encouraged me to slow down. I needed to remember that the last moments before I left for America were ones of pain for Usagi. She told me that she loved me, and I broke her heart.
"Mamoru," Rei grabbed my attention, "I know you still love her, but you have to remember that she is engaged. Don't go into this with the goal of stopping the wedding. This is about Chibiusa. Keep her first."
I nodded, knowing she was right. My choices needed to revolve around Chibiusa and respecting her mother's wishes. Moving my arm over my face, I exhaled slowly.
"Don't pout!" Rei suddenly kicked me in the leg, causing me to let out a yelp. I glared at her and all she did was laugh.
. . . . . . . . . .
Over and over, I read the message from Usagi. She didn't hesitate when she said she would text me the next day. 'Chibiusa won't stop talking about the festival. She had a wonderful time. We can try to set up something for next week,' the message said. I responded with an eager, 'I can't wait. Please let me know what works best for you.' She had yet to text me back, so I anxiously glanced at my phone the entire day - from morning, through work, and now as I sat across from Sir at the restaurant.
"Mamoru, what has captured your attention so intensely?" he asked me curiously.
Embarrassedly, I stuck the phone in my pocket. "I'm sorry," I apologized, "I'm just waiting on a text."
"From a woman?" he questioned, and I felt my face turn red. He smirked, "It appears that I am right. Who is she?"
Distractedly, I played with my food, "It's a long story." I noted his disappointed expression; he wanted me to share, but I didn't know how. I let out an uncomfortable groan.
"Mamoru, what wrong?" he was concerned, "You can tell me anything." After the direction that our relationship had taken, I did believe him, but that didn't change the fact that I was afraid to share. "You have me worried," he stated.
I sat my chopsticks aside, "Honestly, Sir, I am the one who is worried."
"What do you mean?" The concern rose in his voice.
"I worry what you will think of me once I tell you," I stated.
"Mamoru," he said softly, "I will not judge you."
I studied his eyes and slowly collected myself. Finally, I explained to the best of my ability, "Before I moved to America for school, I spent time with a girl from high school. She meant a lot to me, but I was really immature." I swallowed my nerves, "I was with her...physically. Just once, but..." I paused, watching his face, but he remained stoic as he listened. Carefully, I continued, "When I moved back here, I learned that I have a child."
Still there was no reaction.
"Her name is Chibiusa, and her mother is allowing me to be in her life," I tried to find the right words, "I missed out on so much of her life, but I don't want to anymore. I want to take responsibility for her. I don't have a clue how to be a father, but I want to be hers. I am working with her mother to arrange times to get to know Chibiusa before revealing to her that I am her father."
Silence.
"Sir," I said with warmth in my heart, "Chibiusa is amazing. I want to be the father that she deserves."
A smile broke out on his lips, shocking me. "Mamoru," he began, "This is quite unexpected."
"I know, Sir," I frowned, "I am so sorry for disappointing you."
He shook his head, "Don't be. You made certain choices back then, but we both know how time can change a person. I am proud to see you take a stand and accept responsibility for those choices you made." I kept my mouth shut, trying to absorb his astonishing words. "Mamoru, I want you to be happy, and if that happiness is found from fatherhood, that's wonderful!" he said remarkably. "However, what about her mother. How do you feel about her?"
"I love her," I stated honestly and noticed the surprise on his face. "But, she is in love with someone else. Actually, she is getting married," I explained with sadness, "I am going to respect her choices though, and be what she wishes me to be. I hurt her horribly, and I vowed to never do that again."
He nodded and took a moment before responding, "Well, perhaps she will change her mind." My eyes widened at his statement, and I couldn't help but wonder if Sir had ever been in love. However, he changed the subject before I could ask.
A small laugh left his lips, "Is this the reason you purchased that tattered car?"
I grinned in reply, "That's one of the reasons; I didn't want to make them walk everywhere."
"I understand, but you could have let me help you get something newer," he commented.
I shook my head, "No, that's okay. I wanted to do it myself, but I need to get a car seat now. I can't forget that." I made a mental note.
"Very well, then," he nodded, a proud look on his face. "Mamoru," he met my eyes, "I would like to meet her eventually." My mouth dropped open. Perhaps, Sir had an even softer side than I had imagined.
Finally, I smiled happily, "Of course. As soon as I can."
"Thank you," he returned my smile, and I was overwhelmed with appreciation for this man who had saved me from the streets many years ago.
. . . . . . . . . .
With help from a salesclerk, I was able to purchase a car seat suited for Chibiusa's age and size; or at least, I hoped it did. In concern for her safety, I read over the directions several times. Eventually, I got the car seat correctly installed in the back of my car. I put my hands on my hips and felt pleased at this minor accomplishment.
Before I closed the door, I noticed something on the floor, under the driver's seat. I reached over and pulled out Chibiusa's Pegasus from the carnival; it must have fallen aside on the way home. As I gazed down at the stuffed animal, I couldn't stop myself from smiling.
I took out my phone and sent a text to Usagi, informing her of my find. After a moment, she replied, 'Chibiusa was upset because we thought we had lost it. I'm so glad you found it.'
I grinned and typed back, 'Tell her that I will keep it safe until I see her again.'
A couple of moments later, she responded, 'You can come by now to drop it off if you want.'
My heart raced with excitement, and I quickly responded with, 'I'll be there shortly.'
'Okay. Room 302,' she texted me back.
With that, I jumped in the car and headed towards her apartment building. I knew I was too eager and I needed to calm myself so that I didn't overwhelm them, so I slowed down a little bit. Just a little bit.
As soon as I parked the car, I got out and straightened my shirt. Pegasus in hand, I walked in into the building, rode the elevator up to the third floor, and approached the door. Hesitantly, I knocked.
"Hey!" The door swung open, revealing a cheerful Chibiusa.
"Hello," I greeted back and extended the Pegasus towards her.
"Thank you," she said as she took the toy and hugged it towards herself.
Usagi appeared behind her and pushed the door open further, "Come in." Following her lead, I stepped over the threshold.
I scanned the small apartment, taking in its homey feel. I wondered how long Usagi had lived there because there was an evident warm presence. "You place is very nice," I commented.
"Thank you," Usagi said as she shut the door, "and thank you for bringing us the toy." She went to Chibiusa, "Don't you have something you want to give to Mamoru?"
She nodded and ran over to the nearby table. After grabbing a piece of paper, she handing it to me. I gazed down at the drawing of three people riding what I assumed was a Pegasus. As I squatted down, I smiled, "This is wonderful, Chibiusa. You are very talented."
She grinned at me and then pointed at the people in the drawing, "Momma, me, and you." My eyes widened and I immediately glanced up at Usagi who shrugged with a small smile. I returned my attention to Chibiusa and said with awe, "Thank you, Chibiusa. I will keep it forever."
The sound of a meow interrupted us. Chibiusa spun around and ran over to a familiar black cat. As I stood back up, I asked, "Is that Luna?"
"Yes!" Chibiusa exclaimed, "You knew?"
"Actually, Chibiusa," Usagi answered, "Mamoru gave me Luna when she was a kitten." Chibiusa's eyes widened. She looked to me, and I gave her a simple nod, which caused a curious expression on her face while she patted Luna. I could tell she was thinking over something silently.
A knock came at the door, and Usagi's expression told me that it was unexpected. Reluctantly, she answered it.
"Hey! Sorry to just drop by. We were out and I came across this bridal catalog and had to give it to you; it has the best color scheme ideas," a familiar female voice spoke.
"Actually, she just wants you to see the bridesmaid section," a man added.
Usagi took the book, "Thank you, Mina."
"Mina!" Chibiusa cheered, hurried up beside Usagi, and swung the door open wider. I could see her then, and when our eyes met, I noted the utter surprise.
"Mamoru?" Minako questioned as she distractedly picked Chibiusa up in her arms.
"Mamoru?" My name was repeated as Motoki peered inside as well. He was just as stunned.
"Hey," I gave a small wave.
"Come on in," Usagi stepped aside, and slowly, they came in, staring at me the entire time. Usagi obviously sensed the unease in the room, so she tried to start up a conversation, "You all haven't seen each other since the hospital, right?" We all nodded. "I bet you haven't gotten to catch up. Why don't you all have a seat?" She motioned to the living room, and gradually we followed her lead.
"How have you been, Mamoru?" Motoki asked; he always sought to help when things were uncomfortable. I noticed that Usagi gave him a look of gratitude.
I swallowed the nerves that had built up in my throat, "I've been good. How about you all?"
Motoki put his arm around Minako's shoulders. "Pretty good; just working. A couple of days ago, Mina was signed as a lead actress in the production of Cinderella downtown."
"Really? You're an actress? That's amazing," I commented.
"Thank you. I have done a couple of movies, but they didn't take off like expected," Minako shrugged, "I'm thinking the stage is where I need to be right now."
"I would love to go see it," I told her.
"Me too!" Chibiusa exclaimed.
Usagi smiled, "We can all go." All three of us looked at Usagi as soon as she made the comment. While it made me excited, I detected the shock and concern from Minako and Motoki. "When is the play?" Usagi tried to continue the conversation.
"Um," Minako thought for a second, "We open in a little over a month."
"Okay. I will make sure to mark it on the calendar," Usagi affirmed.
"I like Cinderella," Chibiusa stated happily, "I have the movie."
"That's right; how about you go watch it?" Usagi suggested as she got up and walked to another room. "Let's go."
"Okay," Chibiusa agreed and ran behind her.
Once they disappeared, Minako spoke softly, jumping past the small talk, "Usagi told me that you want to be a part of Chibiusa's life."
"That's right," I told her.
Keeping her voice low, she leaned forward, "Usagi said that you are different now. I saw that at the hospital too. But, please don't make us regret believing that."
"I promise," I declared, "I am different, and overtime, I hope to prove that it's true - to all of you."
She rested back and exchanged glances with Motoki. As she turned back to me, she nodded, "Okay."
"Maybe we could all try to hang out sometime," Motoki suggested.
"I would like that very much," I smiled.
"And Seiya should probably come too," Minako added, causing my smile to fade. "Mamoru, Seiya and Usagi are going to get married in a couple of months."
"A couple of months?" I repeated. It hadn't been that long since the proposal; I couldn't believe the wedding was so close.
"Yes," Minako replied, "And then Seiya will officially be Chibiusa's stepfather." She was right, and I had completely overlooked that fact. I started to feel sick.
"Mina," Motoki mumbled, "Be easy."
"He needs to be aware of that," Minako mumbled back.
"It's okay," I interjected, "She's right, Motoki." Both of them seemed surprised by my statement. "I told Usagi that I would respect what she wants, and..." I paused, "...and that includes Seiya."
Motoki gave me a weak smile, "Good for you."
"Sorry," Usagi returned, "I decided to put her down for a nap while she watched the movie."
"Is she sleeping better?" Minako asked.
"She is, finally," Usagi replied and glanced at me for a second. "What have you all been talking about?" she asked.
Motoki shrugged, "Not much. Just catching up."
"Sadly, though," I stood up, "I should probably go." All the discussion of Seiya made me uneasy, and I was worried that my discomfort would show.
"Okay," Usagi frowned slightly, "I will walk you out." I followed her to the door.
"Hey, Mamoru," Motoki stopped me, "You still have my number. Give me a call sometime. We should catch up more." Minako stared at him in disbelief, while I mentally thanked him for his kindness. Motoki always did have a sympathetic way about him.
"That sounds good," I commented and waved.
As Usagi opened the door, I sighed, "I didn't get to say goodbye to Chibiusa."
"I'll tell her," Usagi stated.
"Thank you," I smiled, "I will talk to you soon."
"Yes," she nodded. "Goodbye, Mamoru."
"Bye," I said softly as she closed the door behind me.
. . . . . . . . . .
After showing Rei the precious drawing Chibiusa had done for me, she suggested that I find something art-related for the next time I saw Chibiusa. I took her advice and went to the Internet. It wasn't long before I found an art studio that teaches painting to children and adults. I was nervous when I texted Usagi and asked her about attending one of the classes, but I happily received her response accepting the invitation.
So, there I was, anxiously waiting in front of the art studio to see Usagi and Chibiusa again.
As a taxi pulled up in front of me, my excitement was immediately stifled. "Mamoru!" Chibiusa waved at me as she jumped out of the backseat. However, the man who followed behind her distracted me. Standing tall, he tipped his sunglasses down, revealing his piercing eyes. He looked me up and down, studying me.
"Hello, Mamoru." I shifted my attention, as Usagi stepped out from behind the man. "Mamoru, this is Seiya," she did the introductions, "Seiya, this is Mamoru."
Swallowing my nerves, I bowed my head in greeting. I noticed that Seiya hesitated before returning the greeting.
"Mamoru?" Chibiusa said my name again, and this time, I acknowledge her.
"I'm sorry, Chibiusa," I crouched in front of her, "How are you?"
She grinned, "Good."
"I'm glad," I returned her grin, "Are you ready to paint?" She nodded and hurried towards the entrance. As I stood back up, I realized that the taxi was gone, but Seiya remained. Slowly, I asked, "Will you be joining us, Seiya?"
"Yes, I hope you don't mind," he replied.
Of course, I minded; this wasn't expected at all and, honestly, it irritated me. Yet, I lied. "Not at all," I said, "But I only reserved three spots."
"That's okay. I called and reserved a private room for us," he stated, and I had to control my facial expression that I knew screamed, 'Are you kidding me?'
"Seiya has had a lot of issues with paparazzi lately, so he thought it might be smart idea," Usagi explained.
I nodded, pretending to understand. "I see. That's a good idea."
"Let's go!" Chibiusa shouted at all of us.
"Coming," Usagi said and walked past me into the building, leaving me alone with Seiya.
Seiya fully took off his sunglasses and tucked them into his pocket. He stepped towards me and said softly, "I want to thank you for finding and getting Usa and Chibiusa to the hospital." I noted a twinge of pain cross his face. "I don't understand how you found her, but I am grateful." He paused and met my eyes, "Eternally thankful."
All I could do was give a small nod. I hadn't expected this.
"However," his voice lowered, and I knew that we had moved past the gratitude. "I know about everything; Usagi told me about you and how you treated her." I stiffened. "Mamoru, I don't know what you are expecting from all of this, but you have to know this," his expression was stern, "I love Usa and Chibiusa, and I will not allow anymore pain come to them. Not from anyone." He locked eyes with me and repeated, "Not anyone."
"Is everything okay out here?" Usagi returned at just the right moment, saving me from the uncomfortable conversation.
"Yes," Seiya replied, and both of us forced smiles.
She searched our eyes, obviously sensing the awkward air about us. "Okay," she said slowly, "Let's go get started."
We nodded and followed her into the building and to a back, private classroom. There was a table where four blank canvases rested on easels. Chibiusa was seated in front of one of them, a paintbrush ready in her hand. "Come on," she said impatiently.
As we approached her, apprehension hit me. Chibiusa was in the middle, surrounded by one empty seat on one side and two of the other. Seiya walked right past me and took one of the two seats, directly next to Chibiusa, leaving an empty one next to him. Therefore, the question was obvious – 'who gets to sit on Chibiusa's other side?'
"Mamoru, why don't you take the seat next to Chibiusa?" Usagi surprised me. She clearly saw my hesitation and kindly helped me. Thankfully, I smiled and took the seat next to Chibiusa.
"Hi," Chibiusa grinned at me; she kept flicking the paintbrush in the air, pretending to create a masterpiece.
"Are you excited?" I asked her, and her eager nod made the tension in the room lessen. Even with Seiya and Usagi watching me from the corner of their eyes, I felt more at ease. This was going to be a difficult experience, but I kept telling myself to stay focused on Chibiusa.
"Sorry, I'm late everyone," a woman came into the room. She paused when her eyes stopped on Usagi and Seiya, "Oh! I didn't know you all were taking this class."
"Makoto?" Usagi said with surprise, "What are you doing here?"
The brunette replied joyfully, "This is another job of mine." She shrugged, "I like to keep busy." With a grin, she stepped over to Chibiusa, "Hello again, Miss Chibiusa. Do you remember me? I'm Makoto. I'm helping your momma plan her wedding."
I felt a stab in my gut brought on by the word 'wedding.'
Chibiusa nodded shyly and the woman smiled, "Great! I'm going to teach you how to paint today. And, you are?" She turned her attention to me.
I gave a short bow, "I'm Mamoru..." I glanced at Usagi and Seiya and then continued, "I'm just hanging out with them today."
Makoto gave a curious tilt of her head. Moving past the introductions, she clapped her hands together and exclaimed, "Well, let's not waste any time." She grabbed three aprons from some nearby hangers and handed one of them to each of us. "Put these on so you don't get any paint on your clothes. There are brushes under your easels and paint on your palettes."
After we each put on our aprons, Makoto brought out her own standing easel. "Okay, today we are going to paint one of my favorite animals - a cat. Does anyone else like cats?"
Chibiusa's hand shot straight up in the air, "I do! I have a cat!"
"Wonderful!" Makoto exclaimed, "Okay, pick a color from you palette, dab your brush in the paint and let's begin..."
. . .
"Just like this," Makoto helped to guide Chibiusa's hand as she used the brush to move the paint on the canvas, "This is looking so good. Now, fill in this circle with some paint." Chibiusa followed Makoto's directions perfectly. I know I had no part in Chibiusa's abilities, but I couldn't help but be proud.
"Mamoru...um...good job," Makoto gave a small grimace which caused me to laugh. She patted me on the shoulder, "Don't worry, the more you work at it, the better you will get." As I looked at my painting, it was blatant that she was taking pity on me. My orange cat looked more like a peach pig.
"Keep trying, Mamoru," Chibiusa grinned at me and I felt my heart melt; this little girl was her mother made over - just as kind and encouraging.
"Thank you, Chibiusa," I replied, "Maybe you could help me."
Her eyes lit up. She got off her chair and motioned, to my surprise, for me to lift her up. I felt Seiya's gaze burning into me as I helped Chibiusa into my lap, but I did my best to ignore it. "Where's the tail?" Chibiusa asked me.
I pointed at a random squiggle, "That's it."
Instantly, Chibiusa laughed and shook her head, "That's not a tail!"
"It's not?" I laughed in return.
Again she shook her head, "No. Do this." She took my brush, dabbed it in the paint and then proceeded to fix my painting. "This is the tail," she stated as she added a thick, wavy stroke of paint.
"Ah, I see now," I grinned, "That looks so much better. Thank you."
"That is good, Chibiusa," Makoto came up behind us, "Make sure you finish yours though." Disappointedly, Chibiusa got down and returned to her cat.
After some time passed and our paintings were completed, Makoto looked over our work, "Wow, everyone, you all did so great." We each stood up so we could see each of the canvases. All of them differed in looks, but after some trial and error, there was no doubt that they were cats. "If you all could help me out by taking your paint palettes and brushes to the sink, that would be great."
I began collecting Chibiusa's and my palettes and brushes when Seiya picked Chibiusa up. "Well done, Chibiusa! Is this Luna?" he exclaimed.
"Yes!" she answered with enthusiasm.
"Wonderful! It looks just like her," he said.
As their conversation continued, I had to step away; it hurt to see them like that and know that he was such an important part of her life. It was hard to accept. Sighing, I set the art tools down and began to clean them.
"Thank you, Mamoru," Usagi came to my side with palettes and brushes in hand.
"For what?" I asked as I took the tools from her.
She sighed, "For being so understanding." I noticed her glance over at the laughing Seiya and Chibiusa. "Seiya wanted to come, and I didn't feel right to tell him he couldn't. He just worries about us."
"It's okay," I managed a small smile, "He cares about you all. It makes sense that he would want to come." She nodded and then wiped her hand across her forehead, leaving a streak of white paint. I let out a chuckle at the sight.
"What?" she asked in confusion.
I motioned to her face, "You just rubbed paint on your forehead." She immediately touched her face, adding more paint. "Stop it!" I laughed, "You're making it worse." Grabbing a paper towel, she scrubbed her face to now avail. "Here, let me," I took another paper towel, wet it, and then gently washed the paint off her forehead as I continued to snicker.
Playfully, she punched me in the chest. "Don't laugh."
"Sorry!" I smirked and continued to remove the paint. "There." As I lowered my hand, I inadvertently let me fingertips run down her cheek. The touch brought a warm pink to her face, making my heart skip a beat.
A cough interrupted us, and Usagi quickly turned away, murmuring a small, "Thank you." I looked over my shoulder to see Seiya staring at us intensely. Uncomfortably, I returned to cleaning the brushes and palettes while Usagi walked away.
"Thank you for cleaning those," Makoto commented as I finished the task. I dried my hands and removed my apron before returning to my painting. They each held their finished canvases as I picked up mine. Makoto approached us with a satisfied look on her face, "I'm impressed everyone. I hope hang those up with pride."
"Are you ready to go, sweetie?" Usagi asked Chibiusa, who nodded with a small frown. Usagi patted her on the head, "We can come back; I promise." Chibiusa smiled at those words.
"Thank you, Makoto," Seiya said.
"You're welcome," she replied and then pointed at Usagi, "Before I forget, everything is a 'go' for the wedding location. I believe all four-hundred will be able to fit comfortably."
"Wow!" I blurted out before I could stop myself. Usagi's face turned red, causing me to regret my outburst.
"It sounds like a lot, but, seriously, we are dealing with celebrities," Makoto patted Seiya on the shoulder, "Four-hundred is actually on the lower end."
I nodded, dumbfounded. The Usagi I knew hated being the center of attention; I couldn't imagine her being okay with that many people.
Seiya glanced at his watch, "We're supposed to meet Yaten and Taiki in thirty minutes; we better go."
"Mamoru, come on," Chibiusa extended her hand out for me.
I shook my head, "I'm sorry, Chibiusa, but I can't come with you." She frowned and dropped her hand to her side. Leaning down, I gave her a bop on the nose, "But I will see you soon." At my statement, she grinned and nodded happily.
"Let's go," Seiya took Chibiusa's hand and lead us outside where he proceeded to whistle for a taxi. Promptly, one arrived. He opened the back door, "Alright, here we go."
Chibiusa gave me a hug around my legs, "Bye, bye."
"Goodbye, Chibiusa," I smiled sadly as she let go and got in the car.
Usagi touched my shoulder gently, "Thanks for today. I think she had a lot of fun. I will talk to you later."
"Okay," I agreed. "Goodbye, Usagi." She bowed in farewell and followed Chibiusa.
After she was in the car, Seiya approached me. I stiffened. "Mamoru, thank you for today. I watched you with Chibiusa. I believe that your interactions with her are genuine."
"They are," I confirmed.
"I see." He began to shake his head, "However, I think you need to remind yourself to be careful with how you interact with Usa. I don't know what your intentions are there..."
"I don't have any intentions other than to respect her," I interrupted.
"That may be, but I see the way you look at her; I recognize that look," he disapproved, "Don't try to confuse the situation."
"I'm not following you..." I was beginning to get irritated.
He lowered his voice, "Usa is my fiancé. I love and respect her. She sees the importance of your relationship with Chibiusa, so I am standing by her through this. But, don't come in here and try to confuse her emotions. Those feelings she had for you are gone. She has moved on from you; she left you in her past."
I clenched my teeth at his words.
"Just be aware," he put on his sunglasses and went to get in the car.
As the taxi drove away, I remained there, feeling like I had been punched in the gut.
. . .
Painting in hand, my head hung low as I walked slowly up the stairs of the shrine. The day had not gone like I had expected at all. While I wanted to focus on Chibiusa, my thoughts were completely consumed by Seiya's words. Perhaps, I wasn't controlling the feelings I had for Usagi as well as I had hoped. Either way, I knew that Seiya's words were a threat. He had established his territory before me, and he didn't like my presence. However, I knew that I couldn't blame him. If roles had been reversed, I probably would have felt the same way.
Once I reached the top, I lifted my head up. The sight before me brought me to a halt. At the base of the prayer tree, Rei sat with her legs pulled up to her chest and her face against her knees.
I leaned my painted on a nearby wall and hurried over to my friend. "Rei, are you alright?" I asked as I reached her side. She said nothing, so I sat down next to her and touched her head. "Rei, what happened?"
Minutes passed and finally she mumbled a short but heavy, "He's gone."
Instantly, I knew whom she meant. Her great-grandfather must have passed while I was gone; I hated that I hadn't been there. I didn't even realize that he was so close to death.
I wanted to ask her questions, but I didn't. Instead, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into my chest. "I'm so sorry," I whispered.
A soft sob came and then a fumbling of words, "I don't know why I'm crying. It wasn't like we were that close, but..."
"But you still cared about him," I finished for her.
Another sob came. "I thought we would have more time...I'm not ready."
I understood even more now. She was now the High Priestess; I could only imagine how overwhelming that must be. I tried to find the words to encourage her, "Rei, your great-grandfather was very strong-willed and wise; I don't think he would have moved on before you were ready." She lifted her head, revealing her swollen eyes. "Rei, I believe you are ready," I smiled, "I believe you will make him...and your mother proud."
Her eyes filled with tears once more, but they seemed more like tears of relief. She leaned into me and sniffled, "Thank you, Mamoru. Thank you." I gave her a gentle squeeze, and we sat there until the sun set and the moon rose high in the sky.
. . .
Up the hill, about a half a mile from the main shrine building, we all stood, dressed in our funeral kimonos. Before us stood a tall stone pillar with the names of the high priests and priestesses who had watched over the Hikawa Shrine for centuries. Rei's great-grandfather's name had been added.
Rei lit the ceremonial flame at the base of the pillar and called out a series of words that I didn't understand, but I assumed were said in his honor.
It amazed me how elegantly Rei was leading the ceremony. She took her place as High Priestess, and ever since the moment that the role was passed to her, she had matured greatly. She had never looked more remarkable. I was proud of my friend.
As she kneeled before the pillar, we all followed her action. A woman sang a Shinto hymn; its tune was eerie and beautiful at the same time.
Once the tune was done, we all rose to our feet. Rei bowed and slowly walked away, leaving us all so she could continue the ceremony alone as she followed her newfound position.
After watching her go, I turned around and my breath caught. Dressed in her own black kimono, Usagi stood. Slowly, I walked towards her, shocked by her presence. We both bowed in greeting. "Usagi," I spoke quietly, "What are you doing here?"
"I read about the death of the Hikawa Shrine's High Priest in the newspaper," she stated, "and remembered that you were living here, so..." Her words trailed off.
"Were you worried about?" I asked and her face turned red. She wouldn't look me in the eyes. "I see," I replied, "I can't believe you came."
She shrugged, "Your friend - it was her grandfather?"
"Yes," I nodded, "Rei."
"Rei," she repeated, acknowledging. "She helped you find Chibiusa and me."
"That's right," I confirmed.
She bowed her head, "Please let her know how sorry I am for her loss."
"I will," I promised. "Thank you. I hope you can meet her sometime."
She nodded, "I would like that." Her expression changed to one of disappointment.
Confused, I asked, "What's wrong?"
She stepped forward, "I want to apologize. I'm not sure what Seiya said to you, but I could tell it made you uncomfortable." My pulse quickened at the thought of her being concerned for me. "You have to understand," she explained, "This is very hard for him. I know he is threatened by you."
"Why?" I questioned with surprise.
"He keeps punishing himself for the kidnapping. He searched everywhere for us, but you were the one who found us," she frowned, "Of course, he is incredibly thankful, but he still wishes he had protected us."
She sighed, "And then he realized who you are and that you are going to be apart of Chibiusa's...our lives." She bit her lip and then continued, "Chibiusa talks about you a lot. I don't know why, but she seemed to connect with you so easily and so quickly. That's why Seiya wanted to come to the painting class; I think he doesn't want to lose all of Chibiusa's affection to you."
"I don't think that will happen," I argued.
"I know, but he doesn't," she stated, "Try to picture yourself in his shoes." I nodded in agreement. She frowned again, "However, I know that the painting class was not what you hoped for."
I shook my head, "It's okay. I got to be with her..."
"I want to make it up to you," she interrupted, "So, I want you to have a night with her - just her."
My eyes widened, "Are you sure?"
Slowly, she nodded, "Yes, I trust you with Chibiusa."
My breath caught. I hadn't expected those words so I was incredibly thankful. Reflexively, I stepped forward and took her hands, "Thank you so much, Usagi." As I noticed her staring at our hands, I realized my action and immediately let go.
She put her hands behind her back, "You're welcome. Just let me know when is good for you and what you want to do."
I nodded, "Yes, I will as soon as possible."
She gave me a small smile, "Well then, okay. I need to be going now."
"Okay," I responded sadly, "Thank you for coming and...well, everything else."
She locked eyes with me, "Please don't give me a reason to regret trusting you."
A stab in my heart - I flinched. "I promise," I said sternly, "I won't."
As I watched her walk away from me, I couldn't help but notice the tingling in my hands from touching hers.
. . . . . . . . . .
My nerves were out of control since Usagi had come to the shrine and offered me the opportunity to spend time with Chibiusa alone. It took me but a moment to realize what I wanted to do. I wanted to make her feel like a princess.
I checked the flowers again, making sure there were no thorns. Pink roses - they fit her perfectly. After adjusting my tie and straightening my dress coat, I knocked on the door. Quickly, it opened, and Usagi stood before me. Her eyes trailed up and down my figure, and I noticed a tint of pink come to her cheeks.
"Good evening," I smiled.
She let out a small cough and stepped aside, "Please come in."
As I walked inside, Chibiusa immediately ran into the room. Pink fluff swished around her as she ran; she looked adorable in her sparkling dress and black hair tied up in that familiar dumpling hairstyle. She stopped in front of me and curtsied; I couldn't help but smile.
"Hello, Chibiusa," I greeted and extended the flowers towards her, "These are for you." Her face lit up as she took them and sniffed them happily. My eyes widened as I noticed her wrist where the bracelet with moons, rabbits and roses dangled. I remembered seeing it the night of the lantern festival, too.
I touched her wrist gently, "I love your bracelet."
"Momma gave it to me," she grinned. When I looked at Usagi, I noticed a far-off expression of sadness that made my heart ache.
"What do you say to Mamoru since he gave you flowers?" Usagi redirected the conversation.
"Thank you," Chibiusa blushed.
"You're very welcome," I smiled. "Are you ready to go?" She nodded with a grin.
"Let me take your flowers and put them in water," Usagi said, making Chibiusa frown.
"Here," I picked one of the roses out, "You can take this one with us and then your mom will make sure the others are taken care of until you get home." She gave Usagi the bouquet, keeping one of the flowers to herself. Usagi then pointed to a small jacket hanging on the wall. Understanding, I took it and helped Chibiusa put it on. "Ready to go?" I asked, receiving a grin in reply.
"Be safe," Usagi said softly. I noticed her expression of insecurity. She probably doubted her decision; I couldn't imagine how difficult this was for her.
I gave her a reassuring smile, "I promise to take good care of her."
Squatting to her level, she gave looked Chibiusa in the eyes. "Be a good girl and don't leave Mamoru's side."
"Okay, Momma," Chibiusa replied. Usagi kissed her on the forehead and gave her a light push towards me.
"Let's go," I said, extending my hand. Her little fingers laced around mine as we left the apartment. I could feel Usagi's worried gaze as we walked down the hall. This was not just a big step for me; it was a big step for her.
. . .
"I want to learn to dance!" Chibiusa exclaimed as we ate our dinner at a small restaurant after attending the ballet. Her smile made me happy because it was evidence of how much she loved the event. Honestly, it was more enjoyable for me to watch her than to watch the show. The ballerinas mesmerized her as they floated across the stage, and occasionally an awestruck smile would cross her lips.
She took a bite of her dessert, getting a bit of chocolate on her chin. My grin was uncontrollable. The more I watched her the more I noticed her similarities to Usagi. Yes, every now and then, I thought I saw expressions or mannerisms that mirrored my own, but she was more her mother than me - a fact that made me happy.
"Is it good?" I asked, laughing as she licked her lips with a nod.
She finished the last bite of her cake and set her fork down as the waitress returned with my change. "Thank you for coming," the waitress looked over at Chibiusa and smiled, "Your daughter is so adorable."
My breath caught and I locked my gaze on Chibiusa's face. Her eyes traveled from the waitress to me. I wondered if she understood what the waitress had said or if she even heard her. She wasn't even four yet, but I wondered if she comprehended what was going on - who I really was.
Before I knew it, the waitress had walked away, probably uncomfortable from my lack of response. Trying to move past the moment, I stood up and put my coat on. I crouched down next to her and forced a smile, "I need to get that chocolate off your face." I grabbed a napkin from the table and gently started to wipe the chocolate from her chin. "There," I said as I finished. I went to pick up her jacket, but stopped when I noticed her studying me with her deep blue eyes. "What's wrong, Chibiusa?"
She reached out and touched my face, her forehead crinkled in thought. Then she whispered the word that I had imagined her saying many times. "Daddy?"
My heart stopped. I fought the need to panic. I had no idea how to respond - what to say. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Usagi and I were supposed to discuss this with her, together.
"Chibiusa, I..." I didn't know what to say.
"Daddy?" she repeated, still searching with such hope in her eyes that made me feel weak. That's when I knew I couldn't lie ,but I couldn't speak at the same time, so I answered her question with a small smile and nod. The expression on her face transitioned through confusion, distress, and happiness. Afraid to move, I waited, watching her process.
Then, after what felt like forever, she shocked me beyond all measure. Her little arms circled around my neck, and she hugged me tight. At first I froze with surprise, but then I returned her hug by picking her up in my arms. She squeezed me tighter, and I felt overcome by joy and fear at the same time.
Standing up with her in my arms, I grabbed her rose and jacket and carried her out of the restaurant. She clung on tightly. "I need to put your jacket on you. It's cold." She shook her head, tucking her face in my shoulder. "Chibiusa, are you okay?" I asked with concern. She mumbled a 'yes,' so I continued to my car. "Let's get in your car seat now, okay?" I opened the door and leaned down, gently trying to push her into the car.
Finally, she lifted her head so I could see her face. She touched my face again. "Don't go," she whimpered.
My heart ached. "I'm not. I just need to put you in your seat so you will be safe as I drive home. Okay?" Slowly, she nodded and let me buckle her in securely. After, I hurried around and took my seat, starting the car as I got settled. "Let's get the heat turned on; its getting cold," I commented, "It will be winter soon."
"Then my birthday," she added, "Will you be there?"
I smiled, "I want to be."
My mind was racing as I drove back to the apartment. I didn't know how to tell Usagi what had happened - that Chibiusa had learned the truth. I wondered how angry she would be; I almost felt like I had betrayed her, which broke my heart.
My stomach twisted as we pulled up in front of the building. I parked and let out a long sigh. "Okay..." I started to say, but stopped when I noticed that Chibiusa had fallen asleep, the rose resting delicately in her tiny hands. I smiled and got out of the car. Carefully, I unbuckled her and lifted her into my arms. Cradling her gently, I walked to Usagi's apartment.
Within seconds of knocking, Usagi opened the door. Before she spoke, I put my finger to my lips and shushed her. She nodded and moved out of the way. Pointing ahead, she led me to Chibiusa's bedroom.
I did my best not to wake her as I placed her on the bed. Usagi stepped around me and took off Chibiusa's shoes and then pulled a blanket up over her. Chibiusa let out a small yawn and rolled over on her tummy. She was worn out. I set her rose on the table next to the bed where I noticed a vase with her bouquet.
Gazing down at her once more, I then left her room. Usagi turned off the light and shut the door behind us.
"How'd it go?" Usagi asked quietly.
"It was wonderful, but..." I stopped. Suddenly, my tie felt tighter, and I began to sweat.
Concern rose in her voice, "What happened?" I swallowed; unsure of what words would be best. She came towards me, "Mamoru, what is it?"
"Usagi..." I began slowly, "I didn't bring anything up or prompt the conversation, but Chibiusa knows now."
"What?" she was clearly confused.
"She asked me if I was her daddy?" I finally managed to say. I watched her eyes as they widened and her face paled. "Usagi," I reached out to her, but she responded by moving back, resting herself against the wall behind her.
"What did you say?" she questioned me.
I shook my head, "I didn't say anything, but...I did nod."
Her expression hardened and she straightened up. "I was supposed to tell her, not you," she stated with anger.
"What was I supposed to do?" I argued, "Lie to her?"
"I don't know," she threw her hands in the air, "Something else."
I groaned with aggravation, "Usagi, I'm sorry, but I was startled. She somehow guessed."
She covered her face with her hands, "I don't know how to deal with this. Was she hurt? Was she scared?"
"Actually..." She lowered her hands to look at me as I spoke. "She didn't seem upset. She just hugged me." Surprise appeared in her eyes. "Honestly, I think I was the one who was freaking out, not her," I stated.
She let out a long sigh, "She is probably still processing everything. That's what she does. She's a thinker and considers things before wanting to discuss them."
"Oh." Perhaps, that was why Chibiusa didn't say much. That meant I needed to prepare myself for whatever questions would come from her heart and mind. Sighing, I frowned, "Usagi, more than anything I wanted to respect your wishes, but I just couldn't lie to her."
She frowned as well, "I know." Her eyes met mine, "Thank you."
"When she wakes up, if she starts asking questions, please let me know. She needs to know..." I paused.
"What does she need to know?" she asked.
I thought about Chibiusa's sweet smile, precious laugh and comforting hugs. I had cherished all those things in my heart, so, finally, I spoke the words I had yet to say aloud. "She needs to know that I love her and never want to hurt her again."
Usagi's mouth dropped open, and she let out a soft gasp. As those words left my lips, I knew that they weren't just meant for Chibiusa; they were meant for Usagi as well - if only she would accept that.
I then gasped when I noticed tears slipping from her eyes. "Usagi?" I whispered with concern.
Roughly, she rubbed her face, denying the tears. "I don't know what's wrong with me," she choked out.
Against my better judgment, I closed the distance between us and took her in my arms. At first, I felt her lean in, causing my pulse to quicken, but after a minute, she forcefully pushed me away. "Don't," she said sternly.
"I'm sorry," I took several steps back. "I was just trying..." I let my words trail off because I honestly didn't know what I was trying to do. Just seeing her tears made my yearning to comfort her intensify.
We remained in silence for what felt like an eternity until I did the only thing I knew to do. I left with just a soft, "I'm going to go." She didn't stop me.
I let my feet drag down the hall as I walked away. While Usagi told me that she trusted me with Chibiusa, she obviously didn't trust me when herself. The pain I caused her ran deeper than I had realized. Somehow, someway, I had to repair what I had broken inside of her. I had to.
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Please Pardon Grammatical Errors (I've had a hard time sleeping lately, causing my eyes to be very weak). Thank you for your Reviews.