I live!

Damn, I haven't updated this thing, or been on here, in like... three months. I am really sorry you guys, but I was really, really too busy to turn on the computer at all on most days! The good news is I'm working a lighter shift now, and there's no Holiday season ahead, so the rest of the fic should be faster!

Also damn! So many amazing fanfic has been written/updated these few months, I'm going to have to catch up on reviewing as well :P

Again, sorry everyone for the huge delay, I hope the fact this chapter is the longest one yet makes up for it!

It feels… unreal.

I just gave sex advice to the guy I like.

And I don't mean like generic 'just relax' or 'try asking what she likes' advice. I had a drawing and highlighted the seven most important erogenous zones, came up with a series of sequences and gave him as much of a detailed description as possible as to what usually works.

Overwhelming is not a strong enough word.

The weird part, however, is that not only did it not feel weird, it was actually fun. As soon as I stopped thinking about the fact that Chandler was going to have sex with Kathy, giving that kind of advice to my best friend felt almost exhilarating.

What came next is what the problem really is.

Kathy's at work, as is Joey, and Chandler's decided to hang out here. That wouldn't usually be a problem, but it becomes one when he chooses me as his cuddle buddy, and I have decided that our closeness should be restricted to a minimum, at least until I get over him.

It's also a problem that he seems to be picking up on the pattern, and dejectedly sat a little to straight, obviously uncomfortable.

The fact that Rachel is also in the room is the only thing to make the situation slightly less awkward.

"It'd be really brave, huh?" Rachel asks, out of the blue. Both Chandler and I stare at her curiously, so she elaborates. "Phoebe having a child for Frank and Alice. I don't know if I could do it."

"Yeah, I wouldn't know how to deal with it either" I agree "you know with, the pregnancy and then giving birth, and then having to give the baby away… I don't think I'd be able to do it." I state simply. I've always wanted a child, so the idea of having one for someone else just feels weird to me. Phoebe and I are definitely very different people, though. And most importantly, it looks like she's actually thinking it through, instead of just taking a rushed decision.

"I think she knows what she's doing" Chandler says "I know it's a bit… out there, but that's just… Phoebe, right? Besides, it looks like she's taking this really seriously, she's not going to just accept unless she's sure she can do it."

We really need to stop having the same thoughts. It's starting to creep me out, honestly.

"I think so too" I say quietly.

We all just stay quiet for a bit until I break the silence again. "Do you think you'll ever want kids?" I ask Chandler, who looks at me in shock. Rachel is also giving me a strange look, but who cares? We've known each other since we were both teenagers and I still don't know this about him.

"What brought this on?" He asks, suddenly defensive. "Is this because of Kathy?"

"I haven't spoken to Kathy in weeks Chandler. I'm just curious, I swear." Why he'd think Kathy and I are close enough to speak about this sort of stuff is beyond me, but Chandler's always been known to freak out whenever someone mentions anything related to commitment, so I let that go.

""I don't… know? I mean, I never really thought about it."

Fair enough. "Oh. Ok."

"I mean… I guess… the idea of a family is nice? But… I don't wanna be that type of person, you know?"

"What type of person?" Rachel asks. I really don't want to push him, but I can't blame her for asking either. He's not making any sense whatsoever.

"I just… If I ever do have a kid, I want it to be bcause I really wanted it. I don't want it to be because it's a step you have to take in life, or because the person I'm with wants one, and I'm afraid we'll break up if I don't cave in. I just… I would actually love to have a kid, but having one has to feel right." He rambles,

He just stares at us, trying to read our brains and figure out if we understood his answer, and I for one definitely did. "You guys get what I'm saying don't you?"

Rachel seems to have lost interest in the conversation, but I definitely haven't. "I do. It makes perfect sense, actually."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! Having a child's never supposed to be an obligation." I tell him.

He squeezes my shoulder and I smile at him.

"Do you see yourself having a kid with Kathy?" Rachel asks, and Chandler just looks at her pointedly.

"We've only been dating for a month." He says shortly, immediately defensive again.

"Do you know if she wants any?"

"Again, Rach, we've only been dating for a month. I don't know." You can see by his look how annoyed he is. It's a good thing Kathy doesn't hang out with us more often, or she'd think Rachel is actively trying to get him worked up. Hell, I know Rachel, and even to me it looks like she's unnecessarily trying to make him even more insecure.

When I think about it, it's also a good thing Kathy didn't have to witness my sex lesson. Whether she finds out or not, I'm just glad she didn't have to see it, for both her sake and mine.

"That's ok. You don't have to think about it right now." I tell him, and Rachel just grabs the remote to turn on the TV.

Not completely satisfied with how the situation is going, Chandler keeps going. "Besides, Mon, you should already know the answer to this one."

I look at him curiously "How's that?"

"Well, I offered to have a child with you when we're forty, remember?"

Oh. That. I give him a look. "That doesn't count! You were kidding!"

He chuckles and kisses my forehead, and Rachel is suddenly interested in watching us again.

"You only think I was."

XXX

This just turned into one of the worst days of my life.

Remember when I said the whole sex advice thing was fun? I take that back.

Kathy just came here and thanked me for it.

I mean, I'd be pretty happy about that, under any other circumstances, and I guess I should be grateful that she didn't take any offense at the fact I gave her boyfriend sex advice in the first place.

But damn.

Seeing her crawl into my apartment looking so happy, and cheery, and thouroughly satisfied definitely did me no good.

Knowing what the reason for her happiness was, hurt more than it should have.

I feel like sulking on the couch all day.

"Hey."

Well, there goes that plan.

"Hi Joe."

"What are you up to, Mon?"

"Not much, really. Rachel left a couple of hours ago, and I've been watching TV ever since."

"Okay, what's wrong?"

Oh good. He noticed something's up, just what I needed. "Nothing's wrong, Joey." I say, a little too fast.

He tilts his head, and he's got that worried look he's been sporting every other day since I told him about the thing, and while I appreciate him trying to be supportive, the fact that 'the look' makes it seem like I'm about to burst in tears at any given moment is more annoying than I can express.

I sigh, giving up. He's the only person with whom I can talk about this, so I might as well.

"Kathy came over."

His eyes grow wide, the way they always do, and I almost immediately know what he's thinking "Does she know…"

"Of course not, Joe." I reassure him.

"Oh. Then why is that bumming you out? She's come over quite often the past week."

Here comes the embarrassing part. "Well, she looked exactly like she'd just… you know."

Joey nods in understanding, never one not to catch a sex reference. He cringes after just a beat. "Sorry. That must have sucked for you. But I mean, they've been going out for a month, Mon. You knew this would happen eventually, and it actually happened a lot later than I would've expected."

He makes a very valid and solid point. "I know. That's not what the worst part is, though."

"Oh." He sits down on the coffee table "What is the worst part?"

"It's kind of my fault."

He almost looks panicky for a moment, and again, it's not hard to understand where his mind is. "Do you mean you and Kathy…."

Before he can even finish the sentence, I grab a magazine and strike the side of his head with it "Joey!"

"Ow! Well, you're going to have to explain yourself better if you want me to understand what's going on! How is it your fault that she looked like she had sex?"

You know, for someone who drew a naked woman to tell Chandler what to do, actually hearing someone say the words is upsetting me more than you would expect. "Well, I kinda gave Chandler advice."

"Wait… what?"

"You heard me right Joe. I gave Chandler sex advice."

"Wait… you mean stuff like 'just be yourself' or 'just let it happen', right? Cause that stuff hardly helps at all, Mon, don't worry."

"No, I mean, like legit advice. I had a sketch and sequences and everything. I even asked Rachel for support."

Joey is literally looking at me like I've grown wings, or a third eye. "Did you really give the guy advice on how to have sex with his girlfriend?" He asks, a bit louder than I'm sure he intended.

"Well, I didn't expect her to come here to thank me for it!" I defend myself.

"She thanked you for it?"

I nod.

"But why, why would you do that?"

"Joe, I…"

"No, Mon, I know, you're not going to do anything about your feelings, I get that! And I swear, in a way, I've accepted it, I have! But don't you think you're going a bit far in helping them? Couldn't you just let someone else handle this one?"

"He's still my best friend!" I say defensively, and Joey scoffs. "What? I don't care how I feel! He was upset, he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend and have her be incredibly happy about it, so I helped him! It's what I would have done a year ago, and I'm not going to let my feelings stop me. Nothing's changed between Chandler and I, not really. And I mean, I'm sure he's really happy right now as well! That's ultimately what matters, right?" I ask, desperate to make a point.

He just looks at me and says nothing, obviously deep in his thoughts.

"Joe?"

"What?"

"You've been staring at me for two minutes."

"I don't really know what to say, Monica."

"Listen, Joe… I know that it's awful that I feel bad because Kathy looked so happy after doing with Chandler… exactly what every other couple does! I just… I can't help it, but please, don't judge me. You're the only one to know about this, and I won't be able to take this if you judge me."

He shakes his head before I can even finish the sentence "Mon, I'm not judging you. Quite the opposite, actually."

Oh. Well, that sounds like something I might wanna hear "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm impressed! You were so focused on helping him, and trying to make him happy, that you all but pushed him into Kathy's arms! I mean, that might not be the smartest idea you've had, but you're a much better friend than pretty much anyone in your situation would be."

"Thank you." I say, but I don't really feel that much better at all. "I don't think you're right though."

"Really? Who else do you know that would help the person they love be with someone else?"

"Chandler." I say almost instinctively "Even though he liked Kathy, he kept making sure she was happy with you. She bought her birthday present on your behalf and all."

"I never said Chandler wasn't also a great friend." He says, then off my look, he continues. "Okay, so Chandler did that. Did you ever blame him for having feelings for Kathy?"

I don't have to think about my answer for one second. "Of course not. You can't help who you like."

"Okay, and would you have thought he was an awful friend if he told you he was upset that even though he was trying to help our relationship, the fact we were so happy still stung a little?"

I think I see where he's going with this. "I don't… know?"

He rolls his eyes at me. "Be honest."

"No, not really." I relent. "I would've told him it's a perfectly understandable feeling."

"Exactly. If that's true while Chandler's going through all of it, why wouldn't the same apply to you as well?"

This guy's starting to creep me out today. I always knew he was smarter than we usually give him credit for, but I didn't expect him to be quite this good at this kind of conversation.

"Thank you, Joey."

XXX

I've been watching TV with Joey for an hour now, and it's been the most peaceful hour I have spent in weeks.

It's oddly satisfying to just stay here quietly, knowing he fully knows and understands what I'm going through, but is not nosy enough to question me about it.

If I didn't know how much he hates it, I swear from now on I'd start going to him whenever I have a secret.

We both look behind our shoulders when we hear a door open, just to find that it's Rachel.

"Hey! What are you watching?"

"Just a movie." I say.

"Can I join?" She asks, and we both nod. She sits next to me and drapes a blanket on both of us.

"Mon?"

"What?"

"Why did you ask Chandler if he wants kids?"

I feel like I'd rather be anywhere but here right now. Joey's thankfully pretending to be focused on the movie, but I can tell he heard her. I try to weigh my words carefully.

"Curiosity? It's just something we never really talked about, so I wanted to know. Is that weird?"

She shrugs "I guess not. I just always assumed he didn't, so I thought everyone else did as well.."

Uh. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you assume Chandler doesn't want kids?"

"Well, he just never struck me as the type. I mean, you saw how he freaked out when you asked, right?"

I shrug "I guess. He's not the best with commitment."

"Did he really offer to have a child with you when you're forty?"

Oh, good. Just what I wanted Joey to hear. He's never going to let me live this one down.

"Yeah, when Ben was born. I'm sure he was kidding though."

I pretend I can't see Joey rolling his eyes, but Rachel doesn't seem to let it go.

"Really? How come you never told us?"

"Cause it's not important! It was a joke!" I repeat, though I really shouldn't have to.

"You mean like when he asked if you'd date him at the beach?" Joey asks, and I can immediately tell what he's doing. I won't let him, though.

"Exactly like that, yeah. Just joking."

"Right. I mean, he always jokes about it, and makes theoretical comments, but as soon as he's confronted with things, he chickens out. That's what I was saying." Rachel says, and both Joey and I stare at her.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he's okay with having a child 'in the future' or 'if he really wants to', but as soon as you get more real, and asks if he wants a child with Kathy, he freaks out." She answers nonchalantly.

"Well, he's been dating her for a month. I doubt either of them is thinking of baby names yet."

"Maybe. I dunno, I just always think of Chandler as a this big immature child. Not in like a bad way!" She tries to recover, when both I and Joey give her a look "He's just… oh come on! We all thought he was gonna be the one to get married last, right?"

"Right" Joey says, obviously just trying to get her to stop. If there's something this man cannot take, is someone speaking ill of one of his friends.

"Do you guys think I'm being mean?" She asks, and I bite down the first answer I think of.

"Not really" I say in the end "I just… I don't think you get him. I think he rejects commitment, because he thinks if he's not committed it will hurt less if the relationship ends badly."

"That's possible. I don't know, the two of you are his best friends! Maybe you're right, I just don't get him as well as you do. Joe?"

Joey seems to think about it for a moment "I think Monica's right." He says simply "She gets him really well."

"Yeah! And on the day… you know… when we told him he'd be the last one to get married? Weren't you the one to tell him that he's different from other men 'in a good way'? Maybe you're just better at understanding him than I am."

Joey seems to lose control at that. He somehow manages to keep calm, but I can tell he's gloating with happiness at the fact that the point he's been trying to make for the past month is inadvertently being endorsed by Rachel.

"Oh! And there was that one time on the balcony!" Oh dear God, Rachel shut up. "Remember? When you said you think Chandler is a lot better than he pretends to be, and his being immature is mostly an act?"

Joey's not even gloating anymore. He's basically glowing with joy. He looks like he's been told we're celebrating Christmas again this year.

"We've known each other since he was in college! We're close." I say simply, and Rachel nods.

Joey finally calms down, and I know he's not going to beat a dead horse. He promised to not tell anyone, and to let me try to get over it on my own terms, and no matter how much he hopes for this thing –if there even is a thing- to work out, I know he's going to respect my boundaries.

Now I just need to get to the part where I don't relive all the moments they listed in my head at night, and finally work on trying to move on.

Damn, I feel like this chapter's going to be the biggest let down ever now, if just because of how long it took to even get it out! I know there's not much Mondler interaction here, but I promise we will get there!

BTW this follows canon pretty closely, and this chapter is set during (and shortly after) TOW Phoebe's Uterus. So, it won't be long until TOW Rachel's Crush! I hope you're all looking forward to that, cos I got that all planned out!

As always, feedback is what keeps me going :).