CHAPTER 11

"What the…!" Was all that managed to come out of Delphine's mouth before she threw up on the doorstep.

"Um hey!" Cosima said with her dorky little smile and wave as she jumped back to avoid being covered.

"Come inside please Delphine!" Cosima tried to coax the other woman inside but she was not budging.

"Cosima…."

"Yes it is what you are thinking!" Cosima smiled thinly. Trying again to pull Delphine inside so the neighbours couldn't see the scene unfolding.

"What the fuck do you know what I am thinking!" Delphine spat out.

"Del, please come inside we do need to talk about this." Cosima begged.

"You want me to go in there with you? Fuck Cosima!" Was all Delphine managed before she passed out?

The neighbours had started to come out their homes to see what the commotion was. Cosima just waved them off "She went pale and swooned!" She said to no-one in particular.

Cosima helped Delphine inside, and put her in the lounge. Delphine was still pale and was shaking with the shock.

Cosima wrapped a blanket round Delphine, Delphine tried to hit away Cosima's hands.

"Delphine you are in shock, let me just put this round you!" Cosima tried to explain what she was doing.

"No I don't want you near me! How could you do this to me?" Delphine sobbed.

Cosima used all the strength she had remaining to hold Delphine so she couldn't lash out or leave before she had a chance to explain everything.

Cosima was sure that she could hear Delphine's heart breaking with every look.

"Delphine please let me explain everything. I have wanted to tell you for so long but how do you tell someone something like this? That's why I have had so many anxiety attacks because my head has been beating me up about this. It isn't any excuse and this is not about me right now but please let me tell you everything." Cosima begged the woman in her arms.

Delphine looked at Cosima and she felt sick again. She couldn't understand why this was happening to her again. She let herself be happy then it was ripped from her again, why life was being so unfair to her again. She started crying freely. Her body letting Cosima hold her, betraying how she was feeling.

Cosima felt Delphine relax slightly in her hold and pulled her closer. She nearly kissed her head but thought against it.

"Why did this have to happen?" Delphine sobbed.

"It's not your fault baby it's mine! I'm weak I should have told you. I never lied to you at all. I just kept things from you. I know I shouldn't have, but you walked into my life and it was so magical I couldn't lose that. Being with you has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have meant that from the first time I said it. I had never believed in love at first sight before I saw you. I know it all sounds so clichéd but it was instant with you. I didn't know it was you at first that had been picked for me. It was only when Aldous told me more about you and I begged him to let me call you. It was my way to initiate contact with you; you didn't know who I was. When you started flirting back with me I was so happy, I let the fact that you were going to be my support worker be forgotten for a while…"

"No don't say anymore! I really don't know if I want to hear anything else! You have lied and manipulated me since you met me!" Delphine said angrily as she moved out of Cosima's reach.

"No I never did any of that! I just didn't disclose all the information to you." Cosima tried to explain.

"That is lying or are you that up yourself you don't realise you are doing it?" The anger starting to come through. "How can I believe a word that comes out of your mouth now? I bet you and Felix had a good laugh at my expense! So who else knows? Who else knows that I have been taken for a total mug?"

Cosima looked away; she couldn't bear to see Delphine so angry. Not only did it scare her but she felt it was well deserved on her part but she still couldn't look at Delphine.

"I'm so sorry Delphine." She whispered.

"I need to go! I can't be here right now! I need to sort my head out. Don't try and call me or anything. I really can't bear to be associated with you at this time!" The hatred in the comment sent shivers down Cosima's spine.

Cosima knew Delphine was angry but she wasn't expecting this. In all honesty she was hoping that Delphine would go 'Fuck It!' and they could just carry as they had been.

"Are you coming back to work tomorrow? I'm sorry I have to ask but I need the support remember!" it sounded so selfish that she was asking but Delphine had been employed to be her support worker.

"Are you serious? You are playing the employer card on me after this! Fuck Cosima I thought you would have been a bit more considerate!" Delphine spat out as she got up to leave.

"Delphine please I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do!" Cosima said quietly.

"Well stop feeling sorry for yourself that would be a good start! I will be at work tomorrow, but there is one condition we only speak to each other if it is essential. I need time to get my head around things. You can't expect everything to be normal after this!" Delphine said her hands moving around to accentuate what she was saying.

Cosima didn't say anything just nodded her head. She knew Delphine was right. She needed to take a step back and think about things properly herself. She knew she couldn't expect things to be good anytime soon, she was just happy to still have Delphine around in any capacity. She had thought Delphine would ring and terminate her contract with DYAD and tell them everything.

"Tomorrow, come to mine. That's where you are based." Cosima said in an almost whisper.

"Fuck! Can this get any worse?" Delphine said as she grabbed her things as she left the house.

As soon as the door closed Cosima crumpled to the floor. Her body shaking and tears falling freely. "How could I have been so stupid?" She sobbed.

Delphine leant back on the front door and took a few deep breaths. Half expecting Cosima to come running after her. Was that what she really wanted though? She knew she needed answers and she knew that she had to figure something out; would she really be able to work with Cosima after everything that had happened between them? Would it be possible to be professional when despite everything she still loved the woman that was hurting her?

"Is everything OK love?" A voice asked from the street.

"Erm yes thank you. I just feel a little unwell." Delphine said quietly. "I just come to the wrong house." She said as she left.

Delphine arrived home in a daze her brain not letting her relax at all. She just kept going over everything nothing making any sense. She knew Cosima was right in the sense that she hadn't lied to her but she knew that she hadn't told her the whole truth either. Would it have made any difference if she had though? Taking her phone out she looked at the last message Cosima had sent her the previous night. All she could focus on was the I never meant to hurt you part of the message. She had told her the truth when she had tried to tell her. She had been thinking that maybe she had been lying about everything.

Delphine lay down on her bed, tears began to fall again. Her phone beeped.

Hi, how are things going today? Give us a call later so we can compare notes. T

Delphine couldn't answer. Maybe Tony had known when they had met up before going away? Had he kept this from her? Was he really her friend or had he just pretended. She fell into a fitful sleep.

Cosima woke up to being held by Sarah who had come to see how things were going.

"Hey sis, I thought you had gone for a minute you never responded to me calling or anything!" Sarah said worry evident in her voice.

"I am OK, just didn't sleep much last night so just passed out after the new support worker left." Cosima lied.

"So how did it go this morning? Were they any good? What is their name?" Sarah questioned.

"Yeah they are sound, I think I could get on really well with them and their name is Del." Cosima wanted to tell Sarah everything but knew that she couldn't. Sarah was more headstrong than she was, plus she would blame Delphine for everything and Cosima couldn't let that happen. It was all her fault.

"If that is the case then why do you look as if you have just been dumped?" Sarah said trying to lighten the mood.

"Hangover!" Cosima replied simply.

"What the fuck Cosima you know you're not supposed to drink! What were you thinking of!" Sarah scolded her sister.

"I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to forget things for a night and just be a normal person for a change!" Cosima shouted back.

"Cosima you know alcohol has a bad reaction to the medication you are on! Shit I thought you were the clever one in the family. Now I realise you are the stupid one!" Sarah looked worried.

"Fuck you Sarah! It's my body, my biology! If I want to fuck it up then I will!" Cosima said getting more and more angry.

"Listen I just worry about you OK!"

"Fuck worrying about me I am not worth shit! The sooner this disease destroys me the better!" Cosima spat out.

Sarah just sat and looked at her sister in shock. Her mouth moving as if to say something but nothing coming out.

"I'm going home. I would appreciate if you could leave me the fuck alone! If I want to fuck my life up I will, nothing you say or do will stop me from doing that!" Cosima said as she left the house slamming the door behind her. Instead of going home though she found herself outside Delphine's house. Just watching the house. She wanted to go in and just tell Delphine how sorry she was again but she knew Delphine wouldn't even let her past the front door. Letting out a sigh Cosima slowly moved away from the house making her way back to her own place.

Delphine had been stood behind the curtains watching Cosima as she had been stood outside, her heart breaking seeing the woman. She wanted to let her know that she had seen her but couldn't find the energy to do anything. She had woken and gone to the window to open the blind when she saw Cosima coming down the street. She had opened the blind a small amount so she could watch her. Cosima looked really small and apologetic. Delphine felt bad, but she soon lost that feeling when she remembered why she was so angry with Cosima. Delphine was brought out of her trance by her phone going off.

I know you saw me outside your house. I just wanted to knock and say sorry but I couldn't. I am so sorry for all this. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you xx

Such a simple message but it made Delphine start to cry again. All she wanted was things to go back to how they were before today, but she knew that would never be the case again. No matter how much she wanted to block Cosima out of her life she couldn't. She just had to decide whether having Cosima in her life would be worth it.

Cosima took her phone out her bag and dialled Felix.

"Hey geek everything OK?" He asked.

"Can I come over please? I don't want to be on my own." Cosima asked in a small voice.

"Hey of course. I'm guessing today didn't go to well? Just get here when you can alright?" The man said full of concern.

"Thanks Fee, I just feel so lost." Cosima said as she started crying again.

"No problem chicken just come straight in when you get here I will leave the door open for you." Felix said.

Cosima hung up the call and walked blindly to Felix's apartment when she got to his front door he was stood there with his arms open ready to hold her. Cosima just broke down.

"It's my entire fault, it's my entire fault, and it's my entire fault!" She kept repeating between sobs.

"Hey, hey, calm down OK. Yes it maybe your fault but you have to get over it! Tell me everything that happened. And you know what stop feeling sorry for yourself. You got yourself into this mess so you need to deal with it!" Felix provided his take on reassurance.

Cosima disentangled herself from Felix and went and sat on his sofa. He went to get a tea for Cosima and a coffee for himself he had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

On returning to the living area Felix heard Cosima whimpering again. He knew he should tell her to man up, but she was hurting too. No matter what happened or how it happened she was hurting. He moved round to give Cosima her cup of tea.

"She h. just text me!" She said quietly.

"And?" Felix asked.

"Read it yourself!" She sobbed.

Whilst I still love you dearly I have to think about what I need to do about our situation. So hopefully tomorrow I may have answers or I may not, so we will be professional until things are resolved one way or another. I hope you can understand this. This is just too much to take in right now.

"That's good though isn't it?" Felix asked thinking that the message had sounded positive.

"I don't know. All I want to do is hold her! No I can't we have to keep things professional!" Cosima wailed.

"Fucking hell Cosima this isn't about you this time. You have hurt someone rather than the other way round. I have been telling you for weeks to just tell her! Why couldn't you just do that one simple thing then you wouldn't be in this self-pitying state. Grow a pair and take the hit. Delphine it seems is doing everything she can to make sure she makes the right choice at the end of the day, she is in an impossible situation now! She is in that position because of you! You're the one acting as if it was her that put you in this position! If you had done that to me I would have smashed you in the head! Get a grip Cos, I am not going to be here for you forever so who will then tell you how it really is instead of sugar coating everything like you fucking family!" Felix shouted.

Cosima looked at the young man and remembered why they were such good friends. "I'm sorry!" She whispered.

"Don't be sorry that is just an empty word to me! Get yourself back up and show Delphine what she could be missing if she decided not to pursue anything with you!" Felix said.

The thought of not having Delphine in her life made Cosima shudder, she knew it could be a possibility, but she didn't want to think about it until it actually happened.

"So can you help me to do this?" Cosima asked suddenly unsure of herself.

"Of course I can darling; you know just how fabulous I can be." Felix said excitedly.

Delphine ran herself a bath. It was only 4pm but she felt like she had been awake for days. She felt as if she had no more tears left in her body. The last hour her body had been wracked with dry sobs. Her throat was sore from the crying. She had replied to Cosima's message. She had been as honest as she could be. Yes she still loved her but nothing would happen whilst she was working there. Maybe she could ask for a transfer somewhere else? She didn't know what to do for the best. It was times like this that she wished that her mum was still alive. So she went to the next person she could think of, Beth. She had left a voice mail message for Beth to call her back when she had finished work. Delphine knew it would be after 7pm sometime because Paul had given her a rough outline of her work rotas for the next few weeks.

Getting undressed Delphine looked at herself in the mirror. She had always thought she was quite pretty, she looked after herself. So why did everyone she got involved with end up shitting on her from a great height.

Stepping into the bath Delphine let the water wash over her. She slid her head under the water, enjoying the peace from everything Delphine thought what would happen if she just stayed under water and let the breath leave her body…..