This morning had been a good morning. A fine morning. A quiet morning. Itachi had gone to work early and I'd had the house all to myself before I left for school. I'd had a cold shower, weighed myself, gotten dressed in my school uniform and come downstairs for breakfast. By breakfast I mean an apple to cease the traitorous rumbling in my stomach.
Taking advantage of the fact no one was around I took out the rice and tofu anyway, smearing the now cold sauce over a plate. I stuck a few grains and rice here and there over the porcelain, making it look as if I'd eaten it. I felt a bit bad doing so, being sneaky like this, wasting money. I wanted to eat it, but I couldn't. It was an alternative that made everyone happy.
I tossed the food into a plastic bag, tying it up tight enough so nothing would fall out. I'd thrown into a bin somewhere later. Hitting two birds with one stone, I'd keep Itachi happy and remove the source of temptation.
I think I'd walk to school today. My aching muscles protested against the idea, begging me to get in my car and drive, but I knew I couldn't. After a painful few weeks I was finally getting ahead on my diet and exercise. I could burn roughly two hundred calories if I walked to school. I felt like I had to. A strange compulsion that I couldn't seem to get rid of.
Like I said, it had been a good morning.
--
"What do you mean I could fail Psychology?"
Kakashi rubbed his head and yawned. "Well unless you can catch up on the fourth area of study by next Monday then you can't sit the test… Well you can, but if you don't know anything you'd fail it anyway."
Readjusting the textbook in my arms, I frowned, considering whether or not catching up and revising at the same time was possible before Monday. The outlook was not particularly bright, certainly, but I wasn't some average ranking student who didn't care. I did care and I knew that this one test could send all my efforts thus far tumbling into a pile of nothing. I wasn't stupid.
"I can do it."
He just shrugged, nonchalant. "Mahh. If you're sure. There'll be no special consideration."
I scowled; I didn't expect any special consideration to begin with. I could get high marks on my own merit; I worked hard and had been working hard since the school year had started. Watching the teacher slump over his table I silently wondered how it was me he considered unmotivated.
But I nodded, confirming that I was sure of this; still frowning at the silver haired mans implications I left the classroom without saying goodbye and headed for my locker, not happy. Unlocking the combination I shoved my History books in haphazardly, but keeping my psychology ones, my locker in a similarly unclean state at my bedroom.
I closed my locker and started heading towards the library, keen to get a head start on the work I was behind on. What a nightmare. I could already begin to feel the stress of the looming test on my shoulders, tensing the muscles with a vice-like grip. Reaching the haven for nerds, loners and seekers of warmth from the cold winter air, I saw Naruto and Neji sitting at one of the tables in the furthest left hand corner, behind the health section.
I'd hoped I could get away quickly without being seen, but again, that would require me actually possessing some form of luck. Naruto with his bionic senses for anything Sasuke spotted me, smiled and began waving his arm side to side widely to get my attention. Of course, being as obvious as he was he got the attention of the entire library. I suppressed the urge to slap my forehead.
I walked over to their table and sat opposing the two, now that, to my great misfortune, I had been spotted and couldn't avoid small talk at the least. Sitting close together it seemed as if Neji was tutoring Naruto in something. Peeking a glance at the open book before them I saw it was for Advanced Indonesian. Yuck, I dropped that subject after it became an elective last year. There was no way I wanted to continue with that.
Seeing my less than delighted expression Naruto gave me a bored expression and scratched his nose.
"I've got a test next Wednesday, a five minute oral-presentation entirely in Indo, " he explained, sounding none-too pleased himself. Poor thing. I grimaced.
"Ew. Good luck with that."
"Terimah Kasih."
And with that, he was back to his studies. Opening my textbook, I flipped to the chapter I was currently in most need of learning – Classical Conditioning. Skimming the page and having a quick read, I tried to figure out what the hell all these abbreviations meant.
The NS becomes a CS through association with a UCS to produce a CR.
…. What? I shook my head, rubbing my eyes and starting again. Once more.
The NS becomes a CS through association with a UCS to produce a CR.
Eh? Maybe I should go back a few pages….
Flipping back a few pages to the very beginning of the chapter I started again, looking down with a sense of dread at the thick paragraphs of definitions all over the double spread pages. I felt a bit light-headed. Whether that was from lack of food or the sheer hurt of this area of study or both, I didn't know. How the hell was I supposed to read through over 60 pages of study and learn it well enough to excel on Monday? What had I gotten myself into?
"You doin' psych work?" asked Naruto inquisitively, looking up from his own work, Neji looking a bit disgruntled from a second interruption. I nodded and reached into my school bag, taking out a green pear. Technically we weren't supposed to have food and beverages inside the library, but no one took notice of the rule, the librarians too meek and outnumbered to enforce it on a mass scale.
"Yuck."
"Mhmm," I murmured in agreement and put my head into my hand, elbow resting on the table. "Gotta catch up though. We've got the test on Monday, remember?"
"Ah, shit, yeah. Are you that behind?"
I nodded, making a face at the prospect of having to do so much in so little time. "I've still got classical conditioning, operant conditioning and one-trial learning to cover," I pointed out, the sheer volume of the work needed to be learned was suffice to make Naruto shudder in disgust. Even Neji gave me a sympathetic look.
"That sucks, man." I nodded in agreement, biting into my pear.
The blond looked thoughtful for a moment, ignoring his study, before the proverbial light bulb flashed over his head and his face brightened as if a switch had been turned on.
"I know!" He exclaimed, his loud voice echoing painfully throughout the library, earning him annoyed looks and shushes from some students and the head librarian. A short, uptight woman with an infallible penchant and talent for gossip and gossiping, the library was her tabloid. Despite her love for hearing her own voice she was keen on keeping the rest of us quiet.
"I know," he repeated whispering and leaning over the table, as if he was about to uncover some great secret or conspiracy. I often wondered why he never took drama. "You can borrow my notes if you want. Classical conditioning is the worst."
"That'd be great," I replied, nodding, taking another bite from my pear and brushing my dark bangs out of my face. Lecture notes direct from class where a hell of a lot more helpful than the formal textbook filled with confusing examples and even more confusing jargon. Naruto smiled, happy to be of assistance and turned his attention back to his language revision. Just for a moment. Just as Neji was beginning to pronounce some foreign word, Naruto's head snapped back up, coming to a sudden realization.
"Ah crap, I left my book at home…hey why don't you just come over after school and I'll help you out? It can get a bit confusing. I had to get Kakashi-sensei to repeat it like a million times."
I agreed without thinking. For the reasons that it was a familiar routine and the fact that I was in desperate need of help. Me getting academic help from Naruto wasn't unheard of, but was a rarity all the same. It was usually the other way around in terms of school assistance.
The repercussions of my agreement didn't hit me until a few moments later after Neji smacked Naruto upside the head for ignoring him once again. I suddenly felt nervous about going over there, no doubt there'd be food involved. No doubt I'd be under watch. No doubt there'd be awkwardness – if I made it awkward that is. I hated feeling anxious at something that had never made me uncomfortable before. It would be okay. I was better than this. Its just Naruto for gods' sake. There's nothing to worry about. Stop getting so worked up.
I nodded again, more to myself than anyone else and looked back to my page again, a highlighter in hand.
UCS: The unconditioned stimulus…
"Your car or mine?"
"Yours. I walked," I replied. Opening the wide double doors that released us from the prison dubbed school, Naruto and I were greeted by a darkening gray sky and a gust of chilly wind. Judging by the smell, it would rain soon.
Naruto looked up at the ominous dark clouds and crinkled his nose, obviously displeased with the outlook.
"In this weather?"
I shrugged. It had been a bit cold this morning, but nothing to be terribly worried about. When was at my lowest weight I had been incredibly sensitive to the cold, having to layer up as much as possible. I shoved my cold hands into the pockets of my gray school pants and headed towards the bright yellow lemon in the parking lot. The car could be visible from 50 kilometers away.
Reaching the car I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the pitiful state he'd left it in.
"Sorry about the mess, just shove it on the floor or in the back or something…." Looking through the windows, I shook my head. Empty plastic cups and cartons from various take-away restaurants, clothes thrown haphazardly, schoolwork and various textbooks littered the car, covering the seats. I wasn't sure I wanted to touch it. I opened the door, (reluctantly) I picked up the dirty socks and papers on the passenger seat and quickly threw them in the back. I thought my bedroom looked bad. It seemed like Naruto's car was his bedroom, his laundry room and his locker.
"This is nasty," I commented vaguely, my eyes wandering back and forth at the garbage, still slightly dumbfounded at the accumulation of mess from one teenage boy. Naruto just nodded, agreeing, and started the car. Well tried to. After the car stalled a few times at the turn of the ignition Naruto gave the dashboard a hard thump and a kick from underneath. And after that we were off.
Naruto had a love/hate relationship with his vehicle. Nearly 20 years old, the bright yellow bomb was likely to give out and refuse to start up at any given time. He had loved it when it had first been given to him (a birthday present to work on from his guardian) but had since then kicked and punched the poor ancient thing more than he had blinked in his life. It was a troublesome car indeed, but as long as it eventually started Naruto kept it.
It smelled in here. Like hamburgers. Salty and oily it had the scent of a ridiculously popular take-out chain with a giant 'M' as its symbol…blergh. A heart attack disguised as a meal, delicious. I wound down a window for some fresh air, the displeasing smell making my stomach turn. The wind in my face was refreshing in contrast to the stench of the food that probably wouldn't rot for the next 15 years.
Just under 15 minutes later we were pulling into the driveway of Naruto's home. A modest, one storey, brick home. It wasn't extravagant by any means, but it was homey and familiar. Naruto had lived here ever since he'd been adopted – most of his life. I'd never heard him complain, and why should he?
Leaving the mobile dump, we entered the front door, took our shoes off and headed towards Naruto's room.
"I'm home old man! Sasuke's here too so get your head outta the porn!"
"It's romantic literature!" Came the indignant cry from the lounge room where Jiraiya was sitting at his computer typing away speedily, immersed into his "work". Romantic Literature was putting it lightly; it was more like dirty smut and fantasies. Naruto dismissed his comment through, shrugging. We headed into his room, found a clean space on his beige carpet and sat down on it.
Pulling my glasses from my bag and putting them on, I set about opening my books. I suppressed a groan at the thought of having to squash three chapters worth of information into my brain. It wasn't particularly what I'd call ideal, having to both cram and be tutored.
"So what the hell is a neutral stimulus?"
"...and spontaneous recovery is the reappearance of a conditioned response when the conditioned stimulus is again presented, get it?"
I nodded, slowly, adjusting my glasses so they wouldn't fall. I'm pretty sure my brain was going to explode. Or implode. Or do something violent in retaliation to the abuse it had just suffered. What a nightmare. I suddenly wished, regretfully, that I'd attended classes when this had been taught first-hand, not that there had been much of a choice. Classical conditioning was complicated and lengthy and a pain in the ass to wrap my head around in the better part of two hours. If I wasn't so determined and stubborn it would have been just about impossible.
"Let's take a break," I suggested, taking off my glasses, putting them back into their black case. Naruto nodded, yawning widely tired from drilling the work into my head. The blonde looked at me for a little too long after nodding, and I raised an eyebrow.
"You look hot in those glasses," was his answer to my unspoken question.
There, there it was. My brain went kaboom in a final brutal protest, unable to take it anymore. I could feel it splatter against my skull and pool at the bottom in a bloody, oozy mess. My head had just committed suicide in the most violent fashion possible, just great. I glared at the idiot responsible for this in my final moments of coherency. He didn't seem to take notice and, really, I shouldn't have expected much more than that from him. Instead of repelling him, it urged the fool on more.
"Is that your attempt at a pick up line?" I asked in a bored tone.
"Is it working?"
"No. You couldn't be more lame if you - " and any words that were to follow were swallowed when a pair of lips was pressed against mine in a wet kiss. Pulling back for a moment I stared annoyed at the blonde teen that had decided to invade my personal space without warning. But my brain was not yet coherent, only managing to utter a single familiar word.
"Idiot!" I was ignored and was kissed again, his hand on my cheek. Where was this coming from? This isn't quite what I mean by taking a break. But my traitorous mind decided to conveniently switch off and my two-timing body took over, muscle memory kicking back into something familiar.
Threading my fingers through blond locks, I pulled him closer and started playing with his lower lip with my tongue. Kicking our schoolbooks out of his path, Naruto came closer, straddling my waist. My head went fuzzy in a hormonal cloud; my body heated up spreading comfortable warmth.
Dominating the kiss, he began licking and sucking on my lower lip, teeth clanging together and any thoughts of why, how and is this really okay dissipated into nothingness as my body temperature rose, logic thrown out the window with any remains of argument. A hand went up his shirt, tracing lines up and down on his heated skin. His hand was in my hair, pulling, grabbing, raking his nails down my scalp as sensually as the situation called and for once it was nice not think and to just feel. It felt intense and without reason and that was okay. I suddenly felt very hot as I started tracing his spine down his back, our bodies pressed together.
In reality we were two teenage boys in a sloppy, heated position. But it was warm and wet and it was so good right now…
His hands were all over me, on my face, my neck, my chest while his lips were being attentive to mine, his tongue exploring my own and –
"Sasuke are you – Oh Jesus boys lock the door next time."
Immediately red faced I pushed Naruto off me, my head crashing back into reality in the most abrupt manner possible. I cleared my throat and fixed my clothes in a nothing happened lets break the awkward silence way. Jiraiya did the same. I didn't even hear him open the door. Oh god…being caught making out like two pre-pubescent kids, how mortifying.
"Uhh yeah…are you staying for dinner Sasuke?" If the embarrassing disruption before wasn't like a splash of cold water, then that was. I quickly brainstormed, coming up with an appropriate lie to get myself out of this situation as soon as possible. I cleared my throat.
"Actually, I - "
"Of course he is," interrupted Naruto, his hair and clothes in an embarrassing state of disarray. The boy was without shame. I looked away from him, feeling incredibly awkward. I cleared my throat again, trying not to frown at the teen for speaking on my behalf.
"Good, 'cause I already set him out a plate of vegetables. Hurry up and get out lovers, it's ready." And with that he was gone, his long white ponytail swishing as he receded to the kitchen. We were left in here, a silence setting down. Momentarily at least.
"We're not lovers!" Naruto called back standing up and dusting himself off. I stood up, ignoring his outstretched hand and made myself look more presentable, straightening my shirt and tie and dusting off my pants.. How humiliating. This day was steadily getting worse.
"Okay, boyfriends, is that the word you're using?"
"We're not that either. Just stop talking!"
I shook my head and followed Naruto into the dining room, sitting at the square wooden table. Sitting down I was poured a glass of water into my orange, opaque cup. Something that I was very glad for. This was good. Once the others had started eating, I chopped one of my broccoli florets into very small quarters, sticking a small piece into my mouth, chewing slowly.
Using this time, I thought back to not more than 3 minutes ago. It wasn't entirely uncommon for Naruto and I to make-out at random when we were by ourselves when we were both single. I guess it was just an unspoken outlook that we were two hormonal teenage boys who were friends who had dated each other. We tried the whole dating thing, broken up, nothing we did was serious enough for us to get back into it for real.
What would we be? Friends with benefits? I don't know. We weren't having sex and it wasn't something that we'd verbally agreed upon. I didn't know what to classify us as. Or why we should even be classified. We were always weird and out of the ordinary together, so a label seemed somehow unnecessary. I don't know whether or not it was a practice that I would consider healthy though. I mean how close was close?
Biting into a forkful of mashed potato I pretended to chew for a while and swallow. Raising my cup to my lips I discreetly spat the potato back into the water, making it appear as if I was drinking. I did the same with the napkin provided to me, pretending to chew or swallow while I was actually eating nothing at all. I felt guilty at wasting the food somebody had put their time and effort into making for me, but it was the only to get everyone off my shoulders. If they saw me "eating" then how could they say anything to the contrary?
"So what were you boys…studying?"
"Psychology," answered Naruto, his mouth full of peas. Jiraiya nodded, looking as if he wanted to make a joke about Biology. I was still slightly horrified at being caught in such an improper position and the older mans amused face didn't help much.
10 minutes later after some small talk and banter between family, I scooped up the last bit of potatoes and peas I repeated my deceitful process and thanked Jiraiya for the meal. I stood up with my plate and cup and brought it over to the kitchen sink.
"Don't worry about that Sasuke, you're a guest." I shook my head dismissing the comment, in what appeared to politeness. Of course I had to worry about it I thought to myself as I threw my napkin full of food into their rubbish bin. Rinsing off my plate I placed it in the dishwasher, drying my hands on a towel. I tipped my water and the thoroughly chewed food remains down the sink. I breathed a sigh in relief that I'd not been caught out.
"It's okay, really." Looking back at the table I looked to see Naruto trying not to look pleased. Raised eyebrows and a twitch at the side of his mouth. Deceptive or not, I was glad that for the first time in a long while my actions were making someone happy. I was growing sick of disappointment.
"Well that was awkward." Rubbing my eyes tiredly I nodded in agreement as we walked towards my front door. The outdoor light flashed on, beaming false light upon us. I felt strange having Naruto walk me to my front door like two people on their first date; we were far too familiar for that. He'd been very compliant since dinner. It was weird. Studying his expression I decided to say something. It had been too strange a day and my nerves were wearing thin.
"You know what else is awkward? You kissing me out of nowhere."
Naruto just shrugged, shivering slightly, not having enough sense to even pretend to look bashful. He thrust his hands into his pockets and kicked some dirt on the ground, looking down he spoke quietly. "I've missed you, Bastard."
"…Do you snog everyone you miss?" I asked sarcastically, scrunching up my nose, unsure at what to feel. What kind of stupid reply was I've missed you anyway? Naruto just yawned, stretching his arms wide, his face blank, unfazed by my attitude.
"No, just you. I'm glad you came back," he said. In the dim light I could see his cheeks turning pink in embarrassment. He scratched his nose meekly, avoiding my eyes. I couldn't see it but I knew he was squirming inside – If we were having a verbal war to make each other more embarrassed than I was winning.
"You expected me to stay in the hospital forever?" The conversation was quickly growing more awkward and uncomfortable by the second, he was good at doing that. I remedied this by being difficult, avoid the issue, avoid the issue…
"No? I dunno. I didn't know how things would be when you got out, if you'd still talk to us anymore…" he trailed off, unsure what he should be saying. I could see that he was dying to use the word "better", that infuriating word was pushing on the boundaries of his lips desperate to be spat out. It wasn't his fault I supposed; for all intents and purposes I appeared to be someone "recovered" from an eating disorder. I shook my head and reached for the door handle.
"You're an idiot."
"So we're cool then?"
"Yeah, yeah," I agreed, dismissively, opening my front door trying to get in from the cold. Naruto was stupid. As if a spontaneous kiss was going to be the be all that ends all between us. Nejis' earlier blow to the head must've made him forget that, as my ex, it wasn't as if we hadn't done more than that in the past. In fact I was rather unfazed by it all. It wasn't entirely unpleasant.
"Cool. I'll see you tomorrow!" He said, any previous worries gone. He waved as he retreated back into his car, drawing his jacket zipper up to his neck and hunching his shoulders trying to protect himself from the cold. The car heater didn't work, poor guy. He'll be freezing until he got home.
Stepping inside to my own heated home, I closed the door behind me and yelled to Itachi that I was home and it wasn't some random entering the house.
I found him sitting on the sofa, typing up something on his laptop. I think things were fine between us. I wasn't too sure, but I'd risk it.
"How was work?" I asked, loosening my tie and leaning against the doorframe of the lounge room. He looked up briefly from his work to look at me and smile before he turned back to it, fingers clicking away at the keys vehemently.
"Yeah, very busy actually. How was school?"
I shrugged my blazer off and removed my shoes. "Yeah it was okay. Naruto's helping me catch up with Psychology - I had dinner at his house," I added in quickly at the end.
Itachi just nodded and returned to his work. Satisfied I hade made effort with the pleasantries I went upstairs into my bedroom, got out my textbooks and began studying again. I had to get this right. I had to do well.
Later that night I was laying bed, having woken up from my sleep several times already, and unable to fall back into slumber. My stomach was growling, my head was light and my forehead cold. I was much too discomforted to be anything but awake.
I put my hands behind my head and stared at the ceiling, resigning myself for a long night of wakefulness. My head was swarming with ideas, thoughts, and memories, being as active as it possibly could at the worst possible time.
Before I'd woken I'd been dreaming of my family, dreaming that my parents were still alive and nothing bad had ever happened. Everything was fine, I was fine and life was normal, blissful even.
I was artificially happy in the hazy false world that the mind created in sleep until I'd awoken and the reality that I was only in my bed, in my dark room was a cold reality. One that I was used to, but still a chill after the warmth of dreams.
I don't know if I missed my parents or if I missed what my life was life before they were dead, or both. When I was 8 I can't say that I knew my parents too well, or what their true nature was through the innocent eyes of a child. Maybe I just mourned what I would never know. I don't know. I couldn't apply how they'd react to the recent months, something that bothered my slightly. I couldn't remember enough about them to say they'd be disappointed or be angry or something else entirely. It left with me a sense of being incomplete, undefined. Itachi was a great guardian, sure, I know he tried his hardest, but it wasn't the same.
Turning over onto my side, I closed my eyes and willed my brain to shut up and to shut down because it was three o'clock in the morning for gods' sake and I had school tomorrow so please be quiet and stop thinking? Today, I had school today. Because it was technically today wasn't it? I fell asleep an hour later, my blankets cocooning me. As the darkness finally took over I was still left with the feeling that something was missing.