CHAPTER TWELVE
Cosima had settled down at Felix's, the crying had stopped and he was making her laugh telling her about his 'date' with Tony. They had met up a couple of times since the dinner. Things seemed as if they were going well. They were meeting again tonight.
"You know I can cancel if you want Cos?" Felix suggested.
"No I don't want to be the reason you cancel anything. I will be alright I have to apologise to Sarah anyway. I was a right bitch to her before I come here. She is probably bursting a blood vessel wondering where I am." Cosima said sadly.
"It's about time someone stuck it to her. As much as I love your dear little family not, I think they need the stick taking out their arses when it comes to you. I mean it's not like you are irresponsible now is it?" Felix said defensively.
"I know Fee, but I still feel bad. She just came in at the wrong time and she was trying to help me. She thought something bad had happened to me!" Cosima said defending her sister.
"That may be Cos, but I still think that you can look after yourself!"
"I know your right Fee, anyway what time are you meeting Tony?" Cosima asked.
Felix looks at the clock on the wall. "In about an hour"
"Well I will leave you to get ready. I need to go get into a better head place before tomorrow, I'm sure Delphine wouldn't want to see me looking like shit, but she also wouldn't want me looking like nothing is the matter either." Cosima stopped what she was saying. She had a sudden inability to breath.
"Cos?" Felix looked scared.
Pulling herself back Cosima gasped. "There is something wrong. Help me ring round everyone please. Something is the matter."
For the next 20 minutes they called round all Cosima's friends and family. The last person they saw on the list was Delphine.
"Can you ring her please?" Cosima asked.
Felix dialled the number, it rang and rang.
Delphine heard the phone ringing from under water, her lungs feeling like they were going to explode. She didn't realise how long she had been under there. Dragging herself out of the water she staggered to the phone.
"Allo?" She gasped.
"Delphine is that you?" The male voice asked.
"Oui, this is Delphine who is this?" She replied trying to get her breath back.
"Thank God. It's Felix. I'm ringing because Cosima thought something might have happened to you." Felix explained.
"No I am fine, I just ran from the bathroom." Her breathing still laboured.
"Listen will you speak to Cos, I know I have no right to ask but she is sat here with me."
"No I will not speak to her tonight. Please tell her I am alright and I will see her tomorrow. I will be at hers at 8am exactly."
"OK, I'm glad that you are not hurt or anything."
"Goodbye Felix." Delphine cut off the phone.
Delphine went and sat on her bed, she had always thought that she and Cosima had a connection but had never known just how deep it was, that was until now. She had felt when she had been hurting under water. Didn't that tell her something? She wanted to go back to the phone and call Cosima back but her stubbornness wouldn't let her. She really wanted to hear the sweet sound of Cosima's voice; it made her heart swell thinking about the way in which Cosima would speak to her. She struggled to hold back the tears. She didn't want to think of the fact that there would be no more her and Cosima. She knew it was the right thing to do. She knew that she had been employed by Cosima and that they could no longer have a future together. She knew that her heart was breaking with every second she thought about not holding Cosima close, not kissing her, not making love to her again. Her mind went back to the last time they spent the night together. It was the night of the concert; they had been out to a local bar for a few drinks. Cosima was just on a high because of getting to see her favourite band. Delphine just happy to see Cosima so free and relaxed. This was only the second or third time Delphine had seen her like this. Thinking back it was starting to all make sense. The panic attacks, the anxiety attacks, the wanting to tell her something but couldn't. Had she been blinded that much with love or lust? Even she now doubted that what she had felt was real anymore.
Had it all been an elaborate plan on Cosima's part just to get her into bed from the beginning, but that doubt soon went when she remembered that it was her that wanted something to happen straight away, Cosima had wanted to wait, but that still didn't excuse the fact that she had kept something so important from her.
Again her mind turned back to the night of the concert and how they had walked back to the hotel, gotten lost a couple of times and ended up sitting outside the University buildings in the city centre waiting for the warmth to come back into their hands.
Delphine had taken Cosima's hands and gently blown on them to try and get the warmth back into them. Stealing kisses to each finger, Cosima giggling with the drink. Delphine leaning in for a kiss and soon it had become heated. Delphine tried to stop herself from thinking about how good it had felt kissing Cosima but couldn't her stomach doing little flips as she felt the heat begin to pool between her legs. She wanted to relieve herself but fought against the urge to. She was going to be punishing herself a lot because she couldn't feel those feelings anymore. It wasn't right!
Picking up her phone she called Paul.
"Hey Paul, how are you?" She said when he picked up the phone.
"Oh Hey Delphine Erm now isn't really a good time!" He replied a bit sketchily.
"Sorry am I disturbing you?" Delphine asked puzzled. Paul always had time for her.
"I'm just on my work phone, can I call you back in 10 I just have to deal with this problem then I'm all yours." He replied.
"OK Paul I will speak to you soon." Delphine said a bit despondent but understanding.
"How did she sound?" The voice asked down the phone to Paul.
"Look Cosima I don't want to be piggy in the middle to whatever fight you two had. I love DELPHINE SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND YOU SHOULD NOT BE ASKING ME THIS." Paul said his voice rising into a shout.
"Paul it is because you love her that I am asking you this. I just want you to keep an extra close eye on her. I hurt her badly. I don't want her to do anything silly. I know Seth messed her head up big style and she never thought she would find love again. I know that she tried to kill herself in high school. We told each other stuff. I just don't want her to hurt any more than she is already. I couldn't live with myself if that happened." Cosima admitted sadly.
"Well how about you start by stopping feeling sorry for yourself and try to make things up with her. She worshipped you. Any fool could see that! Why couldn't you keep it in your pants?" Paul said angrily to the woman down the phone.
"What, do you really think I would hurt Del like that? It has nothing to do with cheating. In a way I wish it was. I betrayed her trust. I didn't tell her something that I really should have. I wanted to tell her so much but I just couldn't find the right words." Cosima defended herself to the accusations.
"What was so bad that it gets to the point where you have to ask me for help? She will forgive you; she is a very forgiving person." Paul said.
"She won't forgive this Paul. I am her new employer. I am the woman she is meant to be looking after!" Cosima admitted quietly.
Cosima could hear Paul grinding his teeth through the phone. The silence otherwise was deafening.
"I think you should stay the fuck away from her, sack her or whatever the fuck you have to do but do not go near her!" Paul eventually said.
"That's the thing Paul. If it were that easy I would but it's not. I really do love her. I have never felt like this with any of the others but Delphine just gets me and I her."
"You need to sort this out then. She can't get hurt like she has done in the past, and if she does and it's down to you I will hunt you down and I will make you hurt 100 times worse than you could ever imagine hurting!" Paul warned. "I'm going to go now because my friend called me because she needed me and I am going to be there for her because that's what you do when you love someone." Paul then hung up.
Cosima knew she would get a bad reaction when she called him but she had to make sure that Delphine had someone looking out for her no matter what. She knew that Delphine would never accept her help. She didn't even want to speak to her. Felix had offered to go round to Delphine's and talk to her but Cosima had said no. she thought it best to just give Delphine what she wanted and that was space.
Delphine hung up the call to Paul. She felt a little better. He had reassured her that it wasn't her fault. Cosima should have been upfront and honest about everything. Even though she hadn't lied she had still deceived her and that was the main reason she was hurting. Also that she should tell Cosima to fuck off out of her life. He knew Delphine would never do that though and told her that whatever she decided to do he would be with her every step of the way. Delphine couldn't have asked for anything more than that.
Delphine looked at the clock it was approaching midnight, she had decided that she was going to go to Cosima's in the morning. They had to talk things out at least. Just to see where they stood in the long run. She had no idea what the day would bring from that, but she knew she had to do it no matter how much it may hurt. So settling down into bed Delphine tried to switch her brain off so she could at least try and get some sleep even if it was just a couple of hours, but her mind had other ideas. She went back to her train of thoughts of when they had been to the concert and the little things that she didn't pick up on. Things like Cosima begging her to stay in Glasgow with her, that they just run away. How after they had made love Cosima started crying. Something she had never done before. Delphine had cried a few times after they had made love but she had done that with everyone she had been with. It was just all the tiny things jumping out at her. Things she never realised. Also times when Cosima had said about working. Maybe Delphine had been blinded by love when she thought about whether she would do the same again, she always said yes to herself, because no matter what had happened before that day she had been the happiest since before her parents died.
As Delphine drifted off into sleep, Cosima lay tossing and turning. Her anxiety returning big time. She didn't want to think about the worst case scenario but that was all that was going through her head. What if Del doesn't turn up tomorrow? What if she just doesn't acknowledge me anymore? All things that could happen she thought about. An attack took over her body, followed by a muscle spasm Cosima passed out with the pain.
A/N: Please bear with me a bit here from reading here you have to go find the Paramore song Hate to see your heartbreak! Brings out the angst perfectly in this part of the story. Mazi
Delphine woke up, her head felt clear she knew what she had to do, but her heart was heavy. Even though she knew what she had to do she couldn't stop her heart from breaking. It was for HER own good. She would appreciate everything after.
After having her morning coffee Delphine got in the shower. She let the water just wash over her, hoping it would take away some of the tension and feeling horrible away from her, but it didn't.
Dressing appropriately Delphine then tried to eat something. She took a few bites of her toast and felt as if she was going to throw up so she put it in the bin. Finished her coffee checked herself in the mirror before leaving and started to make her way to Cosima's. Dread hanging in her heart.
Cosima slowly woke up with her alarm blaring. She couldn't remember setting it last night. Her arm feeling so heavy when trying to turn it off. It then dawned on her that she had a double attack last night. Not just her anxiety which wiped her out at the best of times, but she had also had one of her Muscle spasms. These seemed to happen more when she was under a lot of duress. She then saw the note.
Hey Babe,
I hope you don't feel too rough this morning, I have left a couple of Ibuprofen on the bedside for you. Just to let you know you were rambling a bit as I tried to help you. Be patient and things will work out one way or another. Also why didn't you tell Sarah and I about this mystery woman?
Call if you need anything
Cal x
'Oh Shit what did I tell him?' Cosima thought as she reread the note a few more times. Her eyes always going back to the you were rambling part. Picking up her phone she made a quick call to him.
"Oh hey Cosima how you feeling this morning?" Cal asked brightly.
"Like a truck ran me over. I want to apologise I shouldn't have got you over here last night. I'm just waiting for the alarm system to be put up and connected to DYAD's call out system." Cosima apologised.
"Hey, it was no problem at all. You know that Sarah would have killed me if I didn't come out and something bad had happened."
"Ha yeah, as much as I love my sister she is a pain in the arse when it comes to me!" Laughed Cosima.
"So how come you didn't tell us about this mystery woman." Cal asked gently.
"Because of the fact that there is no longer a mystery woman. We broke up!" Cosima said sadly.
"Oh Cos, I'm sorry, I did kind of think that you had met someone because you were not calling us as much, or visiting your mum as much either."
"Yeah, I know. But you know me by now Cal, I go into things full throttle and don't think about anything else for ages. That's kind of why I always get hurt. This time it was different though, she felt the same I know she did. But I messed it up in other ways." Cosima could feel herself wanting to cry but forced herself to stop.
"Cos, like I said in the note. You will work it out. If it is worth fighting for then yes you will end up back together." Her sister's husband said.
Cosima knew he was right, he always was. With him being more laid back than anyone she knew she kind of got where he was coming from too.
"Hey Cal, thanks for everything you know. I'm going to have to go because my new Supporty is coming again this morning and I need to be ready."
"Cosima don't do anything stupid OK! Make sure you give them our numbers so if something happens and they don't know what to do, they always have us on backup alright."
"Yes Dad, now piss off and let me get ready!" Cosima laughed.
"Have a good day!" Cal said as he hung up the phone.
Cosima was so glad that Cal was around because no matter how serious or bad things got he always knew how to make her laugh. He was the total opposite of Sarah and she couldn't figure out why it worked for them but it did, they had a beautiful daughter that they both worshipped and they were happy. She aspired to be half as happy as they were. She would never admit that to anyone.
Cosima tried to move off the bed but was hit with a wave of pain. She knew that the spasms she had the night before were bad but she had never experienced this kind of pain afterwards. Tears fell as she tried to move again and pain shot through her body. She had to give up. She couldn't even reach for the ibuprofen tablets because it meant that she would have to twist to reach them and her back was in bulk.
"Fucking MS! Why did you have to hit me now? I need to be able to move and you hit me like a tonne of bricks! I hate this body!" Cosima shouted as she tried to hit her head.
The doorbell ringing stopped her from trying to move too quickly, her heart started racing because she knew it was Delphine. She forced her way through the pain o take her tablets and to make her way to the front door.
Taking a deep breath she opened the door slowly.
"Oh God Cosima is everything alright you look terrible." Delphine said concern etched on her voice. All thoughts of keeping everything business like flew from her mind. She had never seen Cosima look so pained and small.
"Yeah just a monster hangover!" Cosima tried to lie.
"Don't lie Cosima, did you have a muscle spasm this morning?" Delphine said not taking any crap from the girl in front of her.
All Cosima could do was nod because it even hurt her to talk.
"Come on, come here, let's get you sat down." Delphine led Cosima to the chair that stayed in the hall.
"I'm sorry I didn't want you to see me like this, not yet anyway." Cosima said tearfully.
"Hey, listen I would have seen it sometime or later so it's probably better I have seen it now." Delphine soothed. Forgetting herself for a minute she gently kissed Cosima's head. She realised what she was doing and took herself a step away.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have…" She started before looking away.
"It's alright. I know you meant nothing by it!" Cosima began her heart breaking knowing that Delphine had kissed her freely but then instantly regretting it.
"Cosima if this is going to work in any way we have to be honest with each other. We have to know where we stand and what we need." Delphine knew that no matter how hard it was and no matter how broken hearted she felt; this was the right thing to do.
"Delphine, could we have this talk when the tablets have kicked in please. It's just so I can respond better." Cosima said sadly.
"Of course Che….. Cosima!" Delphine was finding it hard not to use names she had used before with Cosima.
Cosima struggled to get up off the chair, so Delphine went to help her. They slowly but surely made their way into the lounge where Cosima sat on the sofa and breathed a sigh of relief.
"That's much more comfortable than that wooden thing out there. Sit down too please." She said and she pointed to the other sofa for Delphine to sit down on. Pain shot through her arm but she shrugged it off, not wanting Delphine to see just how pained she was.
"If it is alright with you I would like to sit here." Delphine replied after a minute or two, sitting at the other end of the same sofa Cosima was on.
After a brief silence Cosima stole a look at Delphine and saw that she was watching her intently, a different kind of pain was evident in her face as if she was fighting with herself about what she should do.
"Ok shall we continue with the talk?" Cosima asked.
"Cosima, I know that you love me because I can see it in your face, I love you too and that is what is stopping me from just walking away and forgetting everything. BUT whilst I am responsible for you professionally we cannot have anything personally. If you feel that you cannot do this then you need to say and I will walk away no matter how hard it will be." Delphine's face contorted as she started crying heavily.
"Hey Delphine I would rather have you in my life professionally than not at all. I can't say it will be easy because all I want to do is hold you and kiss you. I want you here!" Cosima's own tears started to fall.
"So if we do this then I can't do that!" Delphine said reiterating what Cosima had just said.
"I love you!" Sobbed Cosima as she nodded in agreement.
Both women sitting on either end of the sofa cried, wanting to comfort each other but knowing if they did things would be so different…..
A/N: Well I have finished it here because the next chapter is quite a long one and I wanted a good starting point. As always thanks to Spookycj for her constant support with my writing you don't know just how much it means to me to have the support you give. Erika Reyes your reviews are so lovely I can't thank you enough. And a big THANK YOU to everyone for reading. I check each day and I get so excited when I see how many people are sticking with the story. This is just such a pleasure to write even if I am finding the angsty stuff hard because all I want to do is write a happy Cophine story (maybe that will be my next project lol).