Chapter 2
He had tried everything.
He had scanned the Internet, the papers, the blogs, facebook, twitter, any kind of media possible...
He had asked questions all around. Discreetly, of course. He had tried not to sound suspicious.
He had smiled and acted as his perfect usual self while the knifes inside his chest were ripping him apart.
Everywhere, everyone, no matter how hard he searched, it was the same answer every time...
Tony was about to get married to Virginia "Pepper" Potts. One of the most popular "Golden girls" of their very private circle of rich, idle and spoiled brats.
They had been engaged since last summer.
Meaning that while Tony was fucking him up the ass for weeks, he had his dumb redhead fiancée waiting for him in New York.
They had been engaged for six. Fucking. Months.
And Tony had been sodomizing one of his male friends for the last two.
Maybe he was fucking them both at the same period of time. That was why the bitch was up in the duff.
Loki wanted to scream. To scream until his throat burst, to scream until the medics came and brought him to some mental asylum to be locked up forever. To scream to all asunder what had happened and the lie he was forced into.
But such a liberating scream was forbidden and stuck in his throat for good.
He was constantly choking now. He was back in his childhood days, stuck in his bed and trying to breathe, watched by unknown, stern nurses, while his brothers were up and running under the summer sky, encouraged by their parents. Alone in their too much big house, isolated in sickness. Forgotten.
Abandoned. Discarded.
Lost in his own private hell.
The days since Tony's departure stretched to weeks, then to months...
Loki, in desperation, had made some small attempts of contacting Tony, by emailing him or texting some casual, non-threatening messages.
He had tried neutrality, so that Tony wouldn't feel pressured. He had tried being humble and nice while thinking that he should have sent a letter of the most crude and direct insults and send a copy to the radiant bride and their parents just to tell Tony a tiny piece of his mind...
But he simply couldn't. What he wanted was some piece of decent explanation... So Loki felt as if he was acting like a groveling coward.
There was nothing else to do, or so he thought.
There would be no answer. Ever.
That silence finally killed what remained of Loki's heart.
Tony had dumped him. He had used him and then dumped him like a common prostitute.
Loki had been nothing but a way to pass time.
And now Loki had to live with that.
Loki felt the beginning of the sport season like a blur. His parents and his brothers were currently obsessed with the upcoming football tournament. There were chances that some important people could be scouting Bill and Harry. Maybe not Harry, he was still too young to leave high school, but there were good chances that Bill could be taken.
That was all their father, Larry, was talking about. Bill's chances to be scouted without even Daddy trying to "help" him a bit. Larry Laufeyson prided himself in teaching his sons manly-man values of hard work, being tough, being rough, the sky's the limit and all that jazz...
Well, his eldest ones at least, for his youngest was acting even more weird than usual. He was pale as a ghost and didn't utter a single word anymore. Weird ? His youngest was the very embodiment of "weird." Sometimes he couldn't help but wonder if Loki was really his. Nah... Nathalie and him might have had troubles in the past but not to this extent. Larry kept wondering how did they manage to get such a peculiar offspring though they already had two fine boys. They had wanted a girl at first... Maybe it was a psychological thing. Who knew ?
While Larry Laufeyson was deep in his thoughts about the mysteries of genetics and that strange boy of him, said boy was staring in the void, not minding the lively conversations and more or less eating his meal. He barely answered to his mother's questions about his lack of appetite and his strange attitude. He couldn't focus on the merry voices and this constant talk about football... He only focused on the many pains, in and out of his body. The rest didn't exist.
He was more or less remembered to be at least physically present to the garden party this afternoon. And try to smile a bit. Loki had almost forgot that his mother was throwing a last fiesta before his brothers would be too engrossed in their training.
Loki wished this stupid parade would be quickly over. So that he could lock himself in his bedroom to go to sleep and never wake up. Ever.
His parents' garden party was a success, as usual. If having half drunk guests laughing too loud to the same old jokes and already grown kids messing around as if they were still in primary school was supposed to count as "success"...
Loki was standing in the middle. His head was already pounding and his throat was burning again. He had not taken his medicine yet. He didn't really care, in fact. The pain was helping him to stay focus as much as possible. And if he had a fit of asthma... Oh well. It couldn't be any worse, anyway...
He tried to pretend he was following his brothers running and messing around with their usual bunch of dumb and loud friends. Someone had found a ball and now they were having a match right in the middle of the freshly mowed lawn. It was going to be a mess tomorrow and, once their mother would have sobered up, she was going to be frantic...
Loki didn't even care. They could do whatever they wanted. It wouldn't change a thing for him. He looked around and wondered how everything could seem so normal, so ordinary... The laughs, the chatting, the kicking, the screaming... The sound of the battered earth under his brothers' shoes, the clinking of her mother's crystal champagne flutes... All around, it was nothing but joy and fun. Even if it was an alcohol-induced one, it was hard for Loki to bear.
As if Loki was not in pieces. As if he had not been destroyed in the most careless way. As if nothing of importance ever happened. The day might be burning bright and everyone might look full of joy, for Loki, it was nothing but darkness everywhere.
Loki was amazed. He knew that a broken heart and soul was not much in the grand scheme of things but he would have wanted so much for someone, anyone, to know what he was enduring right now. But he would have bet on his life that each and everyone of all the people in the place would have laughed at him or avoided and despised him, or, at best, gave him the address of a "specialist" that would help him get "cured." To them all, Loki was an abomination. Something against God and the laws of nature...
Turning his eyes away from the merry crowd, Loki tried to find a quiet spot where he would wait for everything to calm down and sneak inside his own room to try and find some sleep. He was having nightmares every time he closed his eyes now...
Yet Loki closed them again. Just to soothe the hammer that was planting nails in his brains. It helped a bit. As he slowly opened them again, the world was blurry and full of lights, as expected.
A dark form was standing in front of him and observing him, apparently. A tall, muscled form. A man. Loki started to see more clearly. A blond one, quite young, about Loki's age. Rather handsome with blue eyes. A seductive smile. Hesitant but self-confident. He had the quarterback figure. Loki knew enough of this kind to deduce it with a high probability of being right. He was staring at Loki right in the eyes. A glass in his hand, so he was probably drinking like an adult, though he was clearly under-aged. A dumb ass that thought he's smarter than everyone. Loki was annoyed. He was quite sure he had never seen this guy around before and he was acting and ogling as if he owned the place. Plus, he was clearly detailing Loki as if he was part of a freak show, something to laugh about. That look put Loki in a rage. Yet he refused to make a scandal of himself to entertain his brothers' dumb friends and give a reason for his parents for complaining about their useless son, again.
He broke the eye contact and turned around to where his parents were chatting.
As he came near the group where his parents were being the center of the attention, Loki quickly realized it was probably a very bad idea. His father was already quite drunk. He was raving and ranting about how fine his boys were and how brilliant their future were going to be and all the people present were agreeing numbly. His mother had a clearer mind than her husband but she wasn't much help for she was encouraging her husband in his display. The gang of sheep that were listening to them were not more useful for the maintaining of this family's dignity...
Loki tried something, while knowing it was a bad idea. He reached out to his father.
"Dad, we should go to see if the buffet's ready. Why don't we go so Mother could watch over the party ?" He hoped no one would notice that his voice was slightly trembling.
His father gave him a surprised and bovine look. He looked as if he was trying to remember who the hell was talking to him. Then, he smiled big and wide and he pointed at Loki's face with his free finger, still holding his martini.
"My GIRL ! This is my girl !" He bawled joyously. "Nath ! Hey, Nath ! This is our girl !"
Loki's mother giggled as if her husband was saying a good joke.
Loki felt as if he had been slapped.
Larry Laufeyson lifted his arms in imitation of a very showy woman. He was having the time of his life.
" 'Daaaad, daaaaad, shall we go and see if the boo-fay is readeeee ?' " He roared in delight, doing a rather poor caricature of a feminine Loki. "Where did you learn to talk like that ? Faggot Academy ?" He laughed hysterically at his own wits. "Holy shit, son ! You should have been born a woman for being such a drama queen ! Got your monthlies already ?"
At those rather crude words, the whole crowd burst out laughing.
The noise literally destroyed Loki's brain and common sense.
The only way out seemed to be running away with the noise of his humiliation still ringing in his ears.
He ran to the lake behind the house. As fast as he could. As fast as his teary eyes, burning face and throat on fire could allow.
It was a lake that used to be a promenade during summer. His father owned a pier and a boathouse but now that the children were grown, no one used it that much.
Loki ran to the end of the pier. It was settled far inside the lake and it gave you the illusion that you were in the water, far from the bank, away from all.
Loki needed to be alone.
Having reached the end, he fell on his knees and, throwing his head back, he screamed his lungs out as loud as he could.
There was not much to do against this pain.
He screamed again two or three times. He emptied his mind. He could be as gut-wrenching as he wanted, it was an isolated place. No one would disturb him.
It felt good for a little while. But it was a limited thing. The pain came back, though a little weakened.
He remained on his knees and looked around. It was summer, but the distant trees looked gloomy and the lake seemed gray. Or was it the reflection of Loki's state of mind. Loki's noise had disturbed a flock of wild geese and the only sign of life besides this were the ripples on the water the breeze provoked.
Loki tried to wipe his tears with his sleeve. He didn't have his handkerchief. He didn't want to see his face, he must be such a mess.
He sighed. He followed the flock of geese that already looked like tiny moving dots in the sky. He wished he could be one of them. At least he would know where to go and who to be with. Geese stuck together against nature.
Because Loki's problem was this. He didn't know what to do and where to go IF there was something to do and somewhere to go...
He had a family that found him too strange to care about. He thought he had a lover who was just an opportunist. As for the rest, he didn't have any friends or people to talk to. Life looked empty and pointless anyway.
I am on my own, he thought, well and truly on my own.
Loki lost himself staring at the mirroring water. It would be so nice, remaining here forever and not having a care in this world. Not having to care at all.
"Erm... Excuse me, are you all right ?"
Loki jumped as if someone had thrown a bomb. He turned around to see the dumb blond quarterback, standing behind him and looking puzzled.
Loki felt a brutal surge of white-hot anger. The dumb blond had followed him and dared go on the pier to talk to him. What was wrong with those guys ? Couldn't he see that Loki was in no mood for entertaining him ? Couldn't he deserve some peace at very least ? What would they ever want with him ? With Loki the clown, Loki the funny joke... Loki could feel the burning in his throat trying to rise.
"I mean..." Dumb Blond blabbered. "You looked really upset... I thought... Maybe you needed..."
Dumb Blond was at lost for words. Loki's silence was clearly making him nervous. Good. Mr. Perfect-body-but-Perfectly-Dumb was probably used to swooning maidens, falling at his feet each time he opened his perfect and useless mouth. Loki's anger was almost too much to bear and though Dumb Blond had done nothing to him (and Loki knew it), he was going to be the first to taste its violence.
Loki opened a large mouth, ready to throw as many insults he could to that pretty airhead.
Only to utter a terrible cough and a moan.
No.
No, no, no, no, no...
His lungs stopped, his throat constricted and he instantly lacked air.
A crisis of asthma, the first one in months and this was a really bad one.
It had taken him years to control his condition. His therapy and medication helped but it couldn't always prevent the horrible feeling of asphyxia that sometimes occurred. Right now, Loki simply couldn't breathe, everything had stopped. Weeks of anguish had strained his system and he was too weak and disturbed to regain his usual control.
He almost hit the ground and thought that he was going to die when he felt himself grabbed and hugged.
"Easy, baby, easy... I've got you."
Loki felt trapped. His head stuck to a chest that felt like a wall. He heard a stomping and he couldn't perceive if it was his heart or someone's else. Someone was caressing his hair and trying to calm him down.
"Breathe, baby... Like this, Breathe..."
The Dumb blond was holding him close and his words were as useful as a bandage on a wooden leg. And then something peculiar occurred.
Dumb Blond was imitating Loki's ragged breath. Erratic and fighting at first and then calmly slowing down and being more regular.
Loki was surprised to feel that it worked. His own breath was matching Dumb Blond's rhythm. He felt a little better but he was still struggling. He was being lifted up the ground.
"That's it, breathe..." Murmured Dumb Blond. "Don't worry, baby. I've got you..."
The last things Loki registered were being transported back on the riverside and put in a car. After that, there was only black...
He woke up at the hospital. He wasn't surprised or panicked. It was usual, after the worst crisis, to put him on observation. The room was dreary white, the usual, and already filled with get-well cards from his family. No flowers. There was a risk of making the asthma come back.
Of course, no one by his side.
Loki tried to recreate the line of events. Whether the Blond had brought him back home or directly to the hospital, the garden party must have been ruined anyway. Either the ambulance picked him up or his parents had to sober up and go see him, it had the same results. They had left him out of boredom once they learned the crisis was done, tranquilizing themselves with cards. They probably still had guests... So why bother about the drama of their youngest again.
Loki spent the next minutes, looking at the blank ceiling. He couldn't hear the birds or the wind in the trees outside, the windows were closed tight. Again, asthma.
Loki thirsted for something beautiful to see, something that would remind him that everything was not only white or gray...
He heard a knock on the door. He was surprised. He didn't know who would visit him at such a time ?
The door opened before he could answer.
Dumb Blond. Again. Standing at the door with a dazzling smile. And holding a beautiful bouquet of multicolored roses.
"Hello there ! I was worried I would wake you up. You look better !"
Loki barely heard the chatting. He followed the blond grabbing a vase and putting the flowers in it as if he knew where was everything in this hospital room.
"Man, talk about a show. I had to get you at the hospital and call your parents. They were out of their minds. Don't worry, they are okay now the doc said you are in the clear... But, dude, you scared us crazy..."
Loki heard a thick Texan accent. Great. Straight from Hicksville, Texas, USA.
But the roses were amazing though... Bright and moist with dew. They were the only colors in this place. Just for that, Loki felt a bit of happiness. He loved flowers so much but he had to hide it. It was not "manly" enough in the Laufeyson mansion and, by the way, some of them were dangerous for Loki. Luckily, it wasn't the case for roses.
"So, I said to your pop, maybe you're just stressed out. With final years exams and your bros and all of this... An' he said to me you couldn't take a joke, but, man... There's joke and joke, ya know ? But I couldn't tell it to your pop straight to his face so I..."
Loki tried to understand the flow of words but Hick Blond was talking too fast...
"Excuse me !" Cut Loki.
Dumb Blond stopped and gave him a lopsided, stupid smile. Attractive but feeble-minded. He was acting as if Loki and him were old friends. It was annoying. Oh, well, he was also a distraction...
"I'm afraid I didn't catch your name..."
Dumb Blond gave an apologetic smile.
"Sorry, sorry... That's rude of me... I'm the son of your father's new associate. I am in the same class as your brother Bill. I'm Thor Odinson."