Many people assume eating disorders happen when someone wakes up one day and decides that they're fat. They think that we decide on this way of eating,of exercising and that this is all something we can control. Unfortunately there is something a little more sinister and serious than a distorted body image when someone develops such serious habits and feelings.

Honestly, when it comes right down to it, I really couldn't give a damn about food and calories and my weight.

There is something in my mind that distorts my emotions and perceptions that makes food, calories and weight the main problem so I don't have to feel. So I don't have to face the real issues. I don't even know what the real issues are.

But I did know that I could lose as much weight as I wanted and it would never be enough. I knew that I was slowly killing myself and I didn't really know if I cared enough to stop.

It was night two of the-trip-that-was-much-more-effort-than-I-originally-thought-it-would-be. This extra output of energy was largely attributed to certain dim-witted people who couldn't get a clue if it danced naked in front of them.

"Seriously, what is your problem?"

People like Naruto for instance. Not only was he particularly clueless when he wanted to be but he was particularly persistent in his cluelessness too. Annoyed, I sat up on the queen sized guest bed, throwing the covers off me in a huff. "At the moment, you are."

"Why?" the nasally voice asked angrily, sitting on the other side of the bed. "You were just fine with sleeping in the same bed last night!" Turning around and glaring at him in the dark, my anger swelled, perceiving his pushiness as a lack of tact. Why did everything need to be an issue with him?

"That was last night. I changed my mind."

"Why?" he asked again, heat lacing his voice as he threw his hands up in the air. "I don't have germs you know."

I sighed, irritated, and tried my best not to raise my voice in another person's home. "Because, halfwit, it's weird," I explained this as if it were obvious, raising both eyebrows, hoping he could see it, or at least get the gist in the moonlit room.

"Because you're my ex?" He asked and I was glad, thinking his mind had finally clicked and understood for once.

"Yes."

"…Sasuke…that's fucking stupid. We've done a shit load more than share a bed before and after we broke up." Wrong, Sasuke, very wrong. I smacked my hand to my forehead, disbelievingly.

"That's why it's weird, dumbass." But the younger teen just shook his head and lay down on the bed, positioning himself until he was comfortable and shifting into the sheets.

"Whatever, man. You can be a prude all you want but I aint moving."

"Fine."

"Fine."

Gathering all the stubbornness I had, I grabbed my pillow and lay myself down on the hard ground. Right now I didn't care if I woke up tomorrow morning half-frozen or with a sore back, I had a point to make and I was going to make it. From above I could hear Naruto yawn and rustle beneath the covers.

"…Do you want a blanket?"

"No thank you," It was the principle, really. I was satisfied that I had now asserted it.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Silence. I yawned.

"So what did you and Sakura talk about after your hissy fit?" I rolled my eyes at his delicate phrasing of the nights events. As delicate as a bull in a china shop.

"Sex, drugs and alcohol," I replied as seriously as I could muster. "We were planning on ditching you to go get high with her friends tomorrow. You don't mind, do you?"

"Ha ha," he said dryly, "What, no orgy?"

"Only if there's time."

"Make sure to take pictures."

I nodded, yawning again. "Will do. Good-night loser."

"Good-night bastard."

Turning onto my side my smile faded and I curled up tightly, trying to ease the desperate hunger clawing viciously at my stomach. I would never apologize but I felt like an idiot for getting bad-tempered at Naruto when he was only looking out for me (and particularly when it was my actions that started it). Who does that?

I rubbed my temples wearily and through my lightheadedness I tried to remember why I was still doing this.

I'd woken up in nearly as bad a mood as I'd fallen asleep with. I'd indeed woken up with a sore neck, a sore back and damaged pride. In fact I'd woken up with a blanket on me that I had not put there myself and Narutos foot inches from my face. How he'd migrated to that side of the bed and in that position I would never know. What was worse is that Naruto deemed it necessary to punish me for last night by following me absolutely everywhere I went. Since my shower this morning I hadn't had one spare moment to myself. Like right now.

Today we'd gone to the local zoo, a modest establishment boasting exotic animals in their faux natural habitats, not too big or small but just large enough to house all the screaming children of the town. Which was just delightful.

After viewing the humid butterfly enclosure, I'd declared my need to piss, which led to this very moment of Naruto chatting me up next to my urinal. I didn't really know what he was trying to achieve - Did he honestly think that I was so obsessed that even my diet coke needed to be thrown up? For the sake of peace I bit my tongue, hoping he would get it out of his system soon enough.

I zipped up once I was finished and washed my hands with their cheap soap, not at all sad to leave the smelly public toilets. The communal shit house – how revolting. Glad to be in the fresh air and rejoining with our pink haired friend I ignored the raised eyebrows as she sipped her drink. Before she could utter a sexually suggestive comment Naruto had beaten her to it, running off in some obscure direction like a kid in a candy store.

"Oh my god, check out the pandas! I think they're fighting!" He cried, his face lighting up at the prospect of violence. One would think that after all these years of knowing him that I would be used to his peculiar behaviour. Watching him scare all the children away from his path, cringing, I don't think I ever would.

"So…" spoke Sakura, coming up to walk beside me, fanning her face, "…are you two back together or something?" Oh how subtle. I shook my head no, snorting and she left it at that, thankfully. I don't think I could really explain Naruto's sudden siamese attachment to my person, without lying at least.

"You uh…didn't tell him about what I said last night, did you?" She asked tentatively, drumming her fingertips on her plastic drink cup, staring at a particular sobbing child. I peered to my side and observed her uneasy expression, eyebrows drawn, fidgeting.

"I didn't tell him anything," I told her and her features eased. "Why's that?"

"It's just…you know what he's like. He can't let stuff like that be." I nodded, understanding. I watched Naruto practically bend himself over the fence of the panda enclosure to get a glimpse of the action. That idiot would probably track down Sakuras' father himself, drag him back and demand he take responsibility for his family.

We caught up to our friend still eagerly watching the busy animals. Was it really that interesting, I asked myself, risking a look. My eyes widened.

"They're not fighting, Naruto," I deadpanned, "They're mating."

The other boy straightened and looked confused before squinting a closer look. "Oh….oh. Haha, you're right. Anyway, lets go see the giraffes!"

I looked at my watch at thanked the higher powers that the zoo was closing in an hour.

I was incredibly uneasy squirming in my seat trying to ward off the negative thoughts cluttering my mind. I tried to push them to one side, ignore it, but it wasn't working too well.

On our way back to Sakura's house from the zoo we'd stopped by a small Italian restaurant to catch some dinner. I'd gotten away with as little as a salad sandwich, an apple and 3 french fries and calorie free liquids today but knew I needed something extra – or I'd find myself passed out (again) with no explanation but the truth.

I fidgeted with my fingers in my lap, running them over my brittle nails. Roving my eyes over the menu for the fifth time and my irritation grew as I found nothing guilt free. The pastas were covered in sauces, the breads heavy with carbohydrates and the pizzas were laden with calories beyond what I could exercise off. They were all in one fell swoop filled with more calories then I'd set myself for the day.

Furthermore, more than being annoyed at the (wanting) menu I was annoyed with myself.

For the first time I felt well and truly trapped within this eating disorder. I felt incredibly frustrated with the restrictions and rules and paranoia that my mind wouldn't let me break free from. I was sick and tired of thinking: was skim milk used, what kind of oil is in it, how many hidden ingredients is there, cream, butter, salt? It was all just so trivial – I had family and friends who gave half a crap about me and the most important thing in my life was food.

I wanted so much to not give a shit about what went in my mouth.

I was torn between being obedient to the restrictions that were safe and the overwhelming urge to just be normal again. As I sat before my friends who were built and average at worst I'd never been more aware of how messed up I was. Half of me wants for it to all go away and stop, but the other half says you're fat, you need this, why would you of all people deserve to be nurtured. More than anythingI wanted a break from this constant battle in my head.

"Decided yet?" Asked a bored sounding waitress holding a small notepad.

"Uh, the bruschetta thanks," the pinkette answered, sounding pressured and entirely uncertain.

"Fettuccine carbonara, please. With uh…extra bacon if you could…"

The waitress looked at me expectantly, looking as if she couldn't stand another troublesome customer on her shift. My eyes darted madly over the menu for something remotely acceptable, I didn't want a big deal made out of this but I was already feeling anxious. I didn't want to put up with more questions of how hard could it possibly be.

"The uh… caesar salad. No egg, no bacon, no anchovies, thank you." I handed her over the menu once she'd finished jotting down the orders. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sakura frown at me, but I ignored her, if she'd ever ask I'd pass it off as a piss poor place for vegetarians. It kind of was.

"Sorry guys," the green eyed girl apologized as she stood suddenly, "Nature calls", and immediately left towards the direction of the women's bathroom.

"You know," began Naruto once he was sure the other was out of earshot, "I ought to get that bitchy waitress back here and order you a bucket of greasy pizza."

I rolled my eyes and chewed on the ice from my water, refusing to dignify that with a response. Naruto was as predictable as a romantic comedy; he really could never let things be as Sakura said. It would probably be too much to ask to let this go.

"I'm serious though, you look like a rake."

I frowned and all external noise became a dull buzz at his words, apprehension rising. "Well I'm so sorry for not being perfect," I responded sarcastically, taking a mouthful of water to refrain from saying anything more. He looked as pissed off as I felt, narrowed blue eyes and a heavy scowl. He took a bite of his complimentary bread roll and chewed roughly.

"That's just it," he swallowed, "that's why I don't get why you're doing this. You're fucking gorgeous you idiot."

I shook my head, rubbed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my noise wanting to quell the sparks in my stomach. I really didn't feel like getting into this argument again here and now. Or later. Or any time, really. I hated this emotional stuff.

"You can't just say that shit, Naruto."

"Why's that Sasuke? Because we're not together?"

"Yes."

He was silent for a moment. "…Well then lets get back together!"

I choked on my water.

After a minor coughing fit I glared heatedly at the cause. "What? Are you stupid? You broke up with me - or can't you remember that far back?"

"Yeah, I know. But I- "

"You what? You're lonely? Sick of your hand?" I retorted, my tummy doing funny things that had nothing to do with hunger.

"Let me explain - "

"Sorry I took so long!" came a breathless Sakura, sitting down at her seat, fanning her face with her hand. "I ran into a school friend at the sinks and we got chatting."

"Another one? You're so popular Sakura-chan," Naruto teased, still looking at me. I stared back, completely lost and unsure what to make of any of it. My stomach did painful flip-flops and butterflies battered madly against my rib cage trying to figure out his intentions. The girl looked between us, confused.

"Did you two fight again?"

"It's all good," the blonde teen dismissed with a wave of his hand. "We were just wondering how long the food was going to take, I'm starving!"

Maybe it was because I was so hungry, maybe it was because I felt so confused or maybe my desperate want for normalcy won out over my fear this time - When our meals eventually did come ten minutes later, in spite of the suffocating guilt bubbling in my stomach, I sat there and I ate all of my salad - despite the voice in my head screaming for me not to.

It doesn't sound like much and it took me half an hour to finish it but I felt like I'd run a marathon.

Forty minutes later I was feeling both proud and sick.

Proud Sasuke wanted to pat himself heartily on the back for getting over that hurdle but Sick Sasuke wanted to scratch the dirty calories out under his skin because he felt filthy. I wanted them both to go away so it wasn't even an issue. I tried to focus on the passing scenery as I sat in Sakura's back seat and not think about it too much.

"…what do you think?…….Sasuke?"

"Hmm?"

"I said I was thinking of growing my hair out again, what do you think?"

"Don't care."

"Thanks, that was really helpful," she laughed, turning the wheel left into her street, bopping her head along to the catchy radio tunes.

As we neared her house, we slowed to a crawl. "Hey, whose car's that?" asked Naruto, pressing his face against and fogging up his window. Sakura's eyes widened and she quickly pulled into her driveway and slammed on her brakes.

"Dad's home," she said, surprised, leaving the car and running in the front door before Naruto and I could unbuckle our seatbelts. I didn't move because I wasn't sure whether or not we should follow her in case there was some awkward family moment. I wanted to avoid that right now more than anything. I didn't care if it were hugs and kisses or yelling and screaming - it was all very ghastly family drama.

"Hey, let's go say hi," said Naruto, unbuckling his seatbelt and opening his door.

"No, don't," I said quickly, grabbing the passenger seat headrest and yanking myself closer.

"Why not?"

"Because we should give the family some privacy."

Naruto was silent for a moment, tapping a finger to his mouth as he considered this. "Yeah, you're right." I sighed internally, relieved. "Let's talk!"

But my relief was obviously short-lived and I groaned, throwing myself heavily onto the back seat, dreading whatever embarrassing things the other boy had to say. "Let's not." He must have been selectively deaf because he continued anyway.

"I was serious about what I said before. I want you to be my bum buddy."

I stared, both at his crude phrasing and disbelieving of his sudden change of heart – because, really, it just didn't add up. "Why, because you're single and alone?"

He shook his head heatedly, baby blues blazing. "Don't be such an asshole, you know it's not like that."

Hot embers of anger sparked in my gut at his stupid reply and I narrowed my eyes. "How the fuck do I know that?" I snapped, "All I know is that you broke it off last time." I sighed and rubbed my eyes, really not happy that we were getting into this argument again. "You have no fucking idea how…"

"How what?"

How much it messed me up. "Nothing. Point is that you can't just change your mind whenever you want and expect me to go along with it," I said, exasperated. He rubbed his neck and turned his body around in his seat to look at me straight on, his expression as genuine as ever. Oh god this was such a nightmare.

"I regret it, okay? Look, I've wanted this for a while, but… it's…it's never been a good time, you know?"

I wanted to strangle him with his shoelace for sitting on this for god knows how long and for bringing it up now – of all times and places. I grappled for answers and excuses to try and make sense of it. "What about whatsherface?"

"Who?" He asked, mouth twisting in confusion. His convenient lapse in memory was not cute - I was reconsidering interrupting the Haruno family moment that was no doubt happening. I was sure it would be less awkward than this.

"The red head."

"….Oh her? We went out for two weeks six months ago. You were still so pissed with me, I thought I didn't have a chance."

"And now you think you do," I said as a statement, rather than a question. My stomach contorted itself into a painful knot and I bit the inside of my cheek at this newfound position. That doofus enjoyed making my life awkward, I was sure of it.

"Do I?"

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I need to think."

With no further ado I removed myself from the car refusing to look at his face, wanting to get away from this uncomfortable situation as quickly as possible. "Tell Sakura I've gone for a walk," I told him before I closed the back door. Throwing my hood over my head I decided to go where my feet took me.

Truthfully I hadn't expected this at all. Why would I have? Sure we'd gone and done the whole friends with benefits thing but I thought that was just a bit of fun, a bit of stress relief in light of being single teenage boys. A little extra on the side for exes who didn't hate each other. Now I had no idea what to make of his feelings, let alone my own messy ones.

In the midst of my confusion I suddenly felt the need to burn off the calories I had eaten today, the crawling feeling under my skin returning at full force. I clenched and unclenched my fingers trying to shake the feeling out but to no avail. Anxiety and shame welled up, storming my mind and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

What in the world had I been thinking?

In the back of my mind I could see, logically, that it was physically impossible to gain weight from salad. I could recognize this as being irrational but I couldn't help but see it as adding to the list of countless calories I'd consumed already. I had to, I needed to get on top of it otherwise I'd get fat again, wouldn't I?

I felt the food festering in my stomach and I was suddenly very aware of my entire body – of my large shape, of every loose bit of skin, of every roll of fat. My legs in particular felt horribly out of proportion, like there were endless kilos of fat dripping off my bones. In this moment it was all I could feel and revulsion welled up, making my skin tingle and I shook out my hands again. It was a repulsive sort of sense and I hated myself for thinking it was okay to have eaten what I had.

Burn it off, get rid of it. You're so disgusting.

I knew I was destroying any progress I'd made, but the whisper to be normal was drowned out by the scream to be thin, invisible. I broke into a run and vowed not to stop until I was sure that it was all gone. I had to get it out.

God, I hated this.

Breathless and sweaty and one hour further into the darkening evening, I slowed to a stop. My heart was thudding unbearably against my chest and my lungs ached. I pushed my wet bangs out of my warm face and let myself catch my breath, walking at a leisurely pace. I felt so stupid for needing to run off a salad and I regretted not being able to control my guilt.

I'd had a chance to think on the proposal and still wasn't able to make much sense of it. I know his actions were never out of malicious intent and he is earnest to a fault. So why…?

Was it because I was sick? Was it another plan of his to try and get me to take recovery seriously?

I had no idea. Paranoia wants me to believe it to be just a ploy but rationality says that's stupid and farfetched. Maybe I didn't believe him because I had to wonder what the hell he would see in me that says: now there's an outstanding citizen. I wasn't particularly nice to anybody, I made an active effort to insult him, I was terribly antisocial and we fought like cats and dogs.

Motives aside, did I even want to get back together? Well, yes and no. Yes for all the right reasons like emotion and all that touchy-feely bullshit and no because I didn't understand or trust why.What's more is that it'd be a blow to my pride if I just eagerly accepted his offer like some lovesick female. He can't just dump me whenever he wants and then expect me to come back to him with open arms because he feels like it.

I sighed, shoving my hands into my hoodies pockets to keep them warm. So the conclusion was that yes, I obviously still had some leftover masochistic feelings concerning Naruto Uzumaki, but I didn't trust his intentions at all. Or my own – I mean relationships took so much effort…but I'd decided. Worryingly, nervously, hesitantly I'd decided

Back at the house already, I walked up the driveway feeling a little apprehensive. This day was turning out to be so much more dramatic than I could be bothered putting up with. I let myself in, took off my shoes and before anyone could see me I'd sneaked into the guest bathroom. I relieved myself, washed my hands face to look a tad more presentable – it didn't really work. I wanted to weigh myself (as per my obsessive compulsion) but there was a notable lack of scales.

After I was done I searched the downstairs of the house for everyone else. I didn't need to look hard - They were all to be found (including the wayward father) in the lounge room appallingly cozy on the plush green sofas, watching some flashy, expensive looking movie. I thought it would be best to turn around, pretend I was never there and go have a nap but I'd been spotted before I could make my escape.

"Come watch the movie with us!" Sakura gushed, gesturing to an empty armchair to her left. I slumped my shoulders but sat down anyway, my legs were aching. I avoided looking at Naruto and settled myself down for an unrealistic storyline, cheesy dialogue and one-dimensional characters.

Two hours a pounding headache later I wanted to put my head in an oven, I'd lost 120 minutes of my life and I wanted them back. It had been so much worse than I thought it'd be – bad accents, historical inaccuracies and tasteless tragic endings. Then there was the painfully melodramatic I love you's and they'll never tear us apart's. I wanted to wash my eyes out with soap.

I stood up and stretched. Bidding the remaining Haruno family goodnight I set off to wash my face before bed. Naruto had left the social gathering 15 minutes before the movie had finished and I kind of hoped he had fallen asleep already to avoid any weirdness.

Walking back into the room, drying my face with a hand towel it was clear that I would have no such luck, of course. Having a modicum of luck is too much to ask apparently.

Laying smack bang in the middle of the bed was The Idiot. He gawked at me and I threw my towel at his annoyingly expectant face, smirking when it hit.

"So did you make a decision?" He asked bluntly, chucking the towel to the ground, not bothering to mince words.

"Is it because of the eating disorder?" I asked, mirroring his blunt attitude. I shrugged my hoodie off, throwing it in the general direction of my duffle bag; I couldn't be bothered to check. He shook his head and frowned, of course.

"It's got nothing to do with it."

I twisted my mouth, the sincerity heavy in his voice enough to make me cautiously accept his answer. For now.

I'd decided that maybe I was a desperate loser too eager to accept but for now it would do until he proved otherwise. I was nervous though. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into again - but I'd had enough of calculation and control. I decided that I just wanted to leap and not care where I'd landed for the first time in a long while.

This blind faith was a daunting, anxiety-inducing thought, but I could deal with it. It was as quiet as a dying whimper but I knew somewhere hidden deep under all the negativity and lies, I knew that I was so much stronger than this person I've let myself become.

I peeled off my black shirt and threw it wherever it would land, leaving only my black wife beater. I changed into a pair of equally dark baggy pants before approaching the bed.

"Shove over."

The other boy shimmied to the side closest to the window leaving a large gap of space for me to hop in. I was about to make a half-assed joke about how fat he must think I am but stopped myself, thinking how ridiculously inappropriate that would be right now. I climbed in, burying myself under the thick doona cover. I shuffled so I was facing him and gave him a Very Serious Look, but that stupid moron just kept smiling.

"If this is going to happen at all, it's going to be on my terms. Understand?" I said sternly and he nodded quickly, still with that stupid, stupid grin on his face. I continued nonetheless, rubbing my feet together warm them.

"First off, you're not my mother or my doctor. Stop trying to be."

"Well - "

"Secondly," I interrupted, "You can't break up with me again. If anyone's going to be doing that it will be me."

Blue eyes narrowed. "Hey, that's not f- "

" - Thirdly," I continued, as if he hadn't spoken at all, "This will have to just be between you and me for a while, okay?"

"…?"

I curled my toes and suppressed a yawn, this was so embarrassing. "You know what people are like. I can't be bothered with it right now." I've got bigger things to worry about; I didn't particularly need Itachi on my back about extra emotional complications. The blond teen shuffled closer and laughed.

"You drive a hard bargain." I rolled my eyes and kicked his shin for joking around when I'm trying to be serious; I was too way tired to put up with it.

Not to be outdone he kicked me back twice as hard - that little shit. I grabbed his outstretched hand resting on his pillow and started bending his fingers backwards, knowing how much it hurts and wanting to have the last laugh. His eyes widened.

"Ow, ow, ow," he whined before bringing his mouth closer and biting my offending hand firmly, refusing to let go. Well if that's how he wants to play it…with my free, uninjured hand I grabbed a fistful of his hair as close to scalp as possible and started pulling hard.

"Let go!" came his muffled yelp and he started kicking again, this time with both legs. As his barrage of feet veered closely to sensitive areas I maneuvered my limbs, trapping his legs with my own then twisted my body so I was straddling his knees. If someone were to walk in right now I'm sure they'd assume the position was intimate – my hands in his hair and mouth, me on top of him legs knotted together. It was far from it.

"Let go, bastard!"

"You let go first."

He seemed to contemplate this for a second first before biting down extra hard, breaking the skin and letting go. I untangled my fingers from his hair, slid back in my original position and inspected the damage to my hand in the moonlight. From what I could see small indents were appearing and it was bleeding a little bit. I wiped his residual saliva on his pillow. Yuck.

He grinned at my disgust and before I could stop him he'd inched closer and kissed me on the lips.

"Good-night, prick," he laughed against my lips before pulling away.

I glared darkly at him, settling myself further into the soft pillow. "Good-night, dumbass."

When I was sure he was comfortable I kicked him once more, to be even.

A/N: Oh the angst. But Sasuke's thinking is slowly, but surely changing. Thanks again everyone!