"How could you do this to me John?" Spencer repeated.

John looked at Spencer with a solemn expression, "I'm not sure what you think I did to you-"

"Don't fuck with me, you know exactly what I'm talking about," Spencer's voice shook with anger and the threat of tears, "you had to send me the file, didn't you? I was perfectly fine for the first time in a long time. I was happy, and you ruined it."

"Spencer, I needed you for the case," John explained, "we needed you, as a CIA agent-"

"But I'm not a CIA agent anymore John! I walked away because I needed to get away from the case! I wanted to start a new life and I did, and you knew this!"

"I'm sorry, I thought it was for the best. I thought sending you the case was in your best interest."

"You thought it was in my best interest? I created a life, a life I nearly lost once before already and I salvaged it. I saved myself before I crashed and burned again, and now I'm losing my friends and the only woman I've ever really loved."

"I know all about Tobias Hankel, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I also know about the drug addiction, I kept an eye on you," John explained after getting a questioning stare from Spencer before continuing.

"I'm so proud of you for everything you've done, as for you losing your team I don't believe you have. If they truly love you, they'll still be around for you despite this."

Spencer shook his head, "they won't be around, they'll hate me for lying and they'll leave me-"

"I know why you feel that way," John interrupted, "I know you've been waiting for each and every one of them to desert you the way your Father did, but these people aren't your Father. They'll never abandon you, I know that's harder to believe after Gideon-"

"You don't know how I feel or why! You're standing there thinking you're so high and mighty just because you're in control of the CIA, but you're just a normal person like the rest of us! You make the same mistakes, and you make them over and over again!"

Spencer wasn't holding anything back by this point because he was so full of anger and fear that he didn't care what position the man held.

When Spencer had been in the CIA John hadn't become director yet, and he had been a lot like Gideon. He had been Spencer's mentor and friend, but something had changed after the first attack. He hadn't been able to cope and even though he hated to admit it, he did blame John for not protecting him from the unsub, but not nearly as much as John blamed himself.

John pulled his chair around the desk and sat beside Spencer who had his elbows on the desk and his head in his hands.

"Spencer, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Not just what happened all those years ago, but what happened the other day. I never meant for you to get hurt, I never meant for any of you to get hurt. With this job comes specific risk, and you know this."

John was looking at Spencer sadly, remembering when he was just a wide-eyed teenager that only wanted to help people. The teenager that put everything, including his life, on the line to help people and that boy wasn't much different than the man in front of him.

"I swore to protect you when you joined the case, I thought maybe a younger, fresher mind would be able to crack it. I thought I was too close to the case to see clearly. After all, it was my agent that had been the victim of the first murder. I wanted to get justice."

November 3rd 1982; that was the year of the first murder and at that time John hadn't been director, but had been the leader of a team of CIA agents. Not very much unlike Gideon, Hotch or Rossi. For fifteen years John had tried capturing the attacker, but had failed each time. He hadn't only failed in capturing him and bringing justice to the victims, but figuring out who his next victim was and protecting them.

John had brought Spencer onto his team thinking his innocence and objective mind could help him realize what he had been missing. John had known, as did everyone how dangerous it was bringing the perfect victim into the team. However, John believed he could protect Spencer and prevent anything from happening to him. He had been wrong, and he had blamed himself everyday for his dreadful, and almost lethal mistake.

"I know that and I know you tried to protect me, I really do. However, I can't help feeling angry even though I understand how you felt. When I was kidnapped by Tobias Hankel he forced me to choose someone to die. I had devoted my life to helping people and because of me someone was killed. I had failed, I know this is a little different, but-"

"First of all, what happened wasn't your fault," John interrupted firmly, "not only with Hankel, but with this case. You didn't do anything wrong, you have done so well. When you were with us, and since you've been at the BAU. I'm proud of you Spencer."

Spencer smiled, wiping his eyes before the tears started coming, but John put his arm around his shoulders, "there's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to crying. Right now, I'm not the CIA director or your old leader, I'm your friend."

"I means a lot to me that you're proud of me," Spencer said looking at John, "Gideon said the same thing once... I felt so happy, but couldn't see what there was to be proud of."

"There's so much to be proud of Spencer, I wish you could see it," John got up and Spencer got up too.

John patted him on the back, the way Derek did a lot and said, "go home. Your team will forgive you for lying and keeping secrets. They need you, and whether you can see it or not, you need them. You don't have to this alone, not anymore."

They had walked over to the door leading out of his office, "please, remember Spencer that you always will be a part of the CIA to me. You'll always be a part of my team, and also a very dear friend."

Spencer smiled and before leaving the office said, "I came here to give you Hell, but it didn't turn out quite the way I planned."

John laughed, "well, I do know you and I think you know as well that you needed to come here for more than venting your anger. You needed reassurance, but no matter how much reassurance you get from me it won't be good enough."

"I know that, I thought leaving was the best thing to do, but maybe you're right. Maybe I do need them."

"Go to them Spencer, explain yourself and be completely honest with all of them. They're your family, and that woman must be a very amazing woman if she has caught your eye so, don't lose her."

Spencer opened the door to the office and turned to John one more time, "goodbye John."

"Goodbye Spencer, I don't ever want to see you in this building again," he replied with a smile.

And with that Spencer left, racing to his rented car as fast as he could because he had to get back. He had to get back to the team, and most especially to JJ.

As he pulled away from the building he couldn't help thinking the same thing John had said.

'I don't ever want to be in that building again, I need to fix this.'

Spencer had felt like his entire life had been turned upside down when that case file had fallen into his hands, but now he thought maybe running away wasn't the answer. He couldn't keep running from the past because his past would always catch up with him, would always come back to haunt him. He had to face this the same way he had faced his drug addiction; face on with no more denial or avoidance. It was time that he coped with his past, and brought the man that hurt him and so many others down.

Spencer had been many things throughout his life; he had always been a genius, he used to be CIA, but now he was an FBI special agent and he knew that the only place he should be was with his team, and his family. He needed them to help him bring the man to justice, but he also needed them to help him cope with everything that had happened.

He raced along the highway knowing exactly where his destination was and what his next move was; the BAU headquarters, and telling his team the truth.

If only things would be that easy...