AN: So, here is the next chapter and I hope you'll enjoy it!
Here we go...
Chapter 18
What happened between House and him had been something Chase wanted to forget. Chase never wanted to accept that he had troubles dealing. Why couldn't he just leave it alone? He had been doing great, hadn't he? He had been able to smile and laugh. People weren't feeling sorry for him and they didn't look at him with those puppy eyes.
Chase had wanted to forget about his conversation with House. It had only happened 2 hours ago and already, people were thinking how sad he must be. Chase hated it and he needed to control himself for not yelling at them.
He was sitting in House's office, staring at the desk as he rolled House's ball between his hands. Nobody was with him and Chase had never thought that being alone could be such a relief. He had actually wanted to be alone!
The door swung open but Chase didn't even looked back to see who it was.
'I heard what happened.' Cameron's voice sounded.
Chase rolled his eyes as he knew that he could expect some fancy speech. Well, he wasn't up to it and he sure wasn't going to listen to it.
'Don't you have anything else to do?' he asked in an angry tone.
Cameron walked up to him and leaned against the desk as she was looking at Chase, her arms crossed over her chest and her gaze serious.
'Look, Chase,' she said, 'if you ever want to talk about anything, you know I'm here, right?'
Chase looked up at her and he saw the compassion she felt towards him. But for him, it was more than that. He saw pity and that was the last thing he needed.
'Sure, Cameron.' He said. He just wanted her to leave. He just wanted to be alone.
'I don't know what you're going through-'
'Leave it.' Chase said, standing up from his chair. He really wasn't in the mood for this. He didn't wait for Cameron to react; he just walked out of the room and away from her.
Immediately, faces turned towards him as he walked by. He felt like that monkey in the zoo again, but this time, he hated it. This time, he wanted to yell at them and say that they should mind their own business.
He knew only one place where he could be really alone. He took the stairs and climbed them as high as he could. His last stop would be the roof. And he was right. Nobody was there and he could finally be alone. He felt like his thoughts were his alone for the first time today. Nobody and nothing could interrupt them.
He walked to the edge of the roof and leaned against the low wall. He had this amazing view and he saw all those people arriving and leaving. He saw them but they didn't see him. That's what it's all about now. Not being seen and not being the sorry loser everybody now thinks he is. Up here, nobody could judge him. He felt good about this situation.
He had no idea how long he had been up there. Two hours? Maybe three…It didn't feel that long. Watching people was really fascinating.
'Everybody is looking for you.' A voice said.
Chase turned around and saw Wilson looking at him. Only then, Wilson came closer by and leaned over the low wall as well.
'What an amazing view,' Wilson smiled, 'no wonder you came up here.'
'Define 'everyone'' Chase asked, hoping that Wilson had been joking. He didn't want everyone looking for him because that meant they would be worrying and that was another situation he wanted to avoid. That way it seemed as if he couldn't take care of himself.
'Well, not the whole hospital…' Wilson still smiled. 'House might just be pretending because he was going to look for you in the cafeteria.'
Chase couldn't hold back a little laugh. That did sound like House.
'How's his nose?' Chase then asked.
'It was better until you punched it again.'
'What do you mean?' Chase asked, not understanding Wilson's comment.
'You don't know?' Wilson sounded surprised and it made Chase even more curious. 'You know you died, right?'
'Yeah.' Chase answered, not understanding where this was going.
'Well,' Wilson continued, 'Cameron and Foreman fought really hard for you and when House was telling Cameron that it was over, she punched him on the nose so that she could save you. Good thing she did.'
Chase didn't know what to answer and now he felt like a bastard. Cameron had brought him back, he knew that, but he didn't knew how hard she had fought. And yet, he had just been a jerk to her. He must apologise to her as soon as he saw her.
He turned his gaze down to the people in the parking lot and Wilson gazed into the distance as he thought about what could possibly be going through Chase's head.
'You know,' Chase sighed, 'I see him everywhere.'
Wilson looked at Chase with a frown in his face, but he soon realised who he meant and he stared into the distance again, just like Chase was doing now.
'Every person that passes me by reminds me of him. They have the same eyes, the same gaze, something is always the same. I even smell him everywhere I go. And then the small rooms I can't stand anymore. Somehow, he's always with me and I can't shake him.'
He paused for a moment to force himself to keep control over himself. Wilson didn't say anything; he didn't watch Chase as he was trying to look for the right words. He just let Chase express himself because he knew that that was something he needed right now.
'The nights are the worst,' Chase then continued, 'that's when I'm all alone. That's when I have time to think and that's when my mind wanders off. I can still feel him. I feel him right now and I just want to throw up.'
Chase turned his gaze down to his hands. Wilson kept staring into the distance and Chase was grateful that he did that. This was hard enough without having to see the pity in his eyes. But talking about it made his heart weigh a little less heavy.
He swallowed heavily.
'I thought that by…ignoring it, by forgetting it, that it would go away on its own. One day I would wake up and I wouldn't even remember. I was wrong because every day, it got harder and harder to keep up the façade. I had to smile and laugh while inside, I was dying. I still am dying.'
Wilson now looked at Chase and Chase immediately looked away from his eyes. He wasn't prepared for the pity and sorrow yet.
'You'll never forget.' Wilson said in a soft voice.
Chase found the courage to look up and he was confused when he saw an honest gaze in Wilson's eyes. No pity. A little sorrow, but not as much as he had expected.
'Than how will I move on?' Chase asked, feeling desperate for an answer now.
'Honestly?' Wilson said while looking into the distance again, 'I have no idea. I can only have some insight into what you're feeling right now, I'll never completely understand it, I'll never truly grasp it. What you have been through…it's life-changing. You'll have to find a way to deal with it. Some talk about it. Some write about it. I think some artist sing about it. Everyone has its own way; you just need to find yours.'
'What if I can't?' Chase asked, panicked now as he couldn't see himself doing all those things.
'Then just talk.' Wilson said as he pushed himself away from the low wall. 'Everyone can talk and I'm sure a lot of people are willing to listen.'
Chase whipped away the tears that were now beginning to form in his eyes. He felt stupid for appearing so fragile. He should be able to handle this better. He had been through so much in his life and yet, now he felt broken and he was sure others saw him as a broken man.
But he knew his friends were not judgemental. They were there for him; that was proven enough now. Cameron had fought for him, just like Foreman. House had seen straight through Chase's façade and Wilson was standing right beside him now.
'Thanks,' Chase whispered, 'for listening.'
'Sure,' Wilson said, 'we're all here for you.'
Chase liked that idea but the thought of asking them for help scared him. Did he really want to admit that he needed help? Would they want to help him now? Chase turned to face Wilson and thought about all the options he had.
There were only two. One; he would admit that he was drowning in those emotions of hate, fear and pain and he would ask others to help him out of the pool. Or two; he could just drown.
He didn't feel like giving up…not yet.