Three: Tomorrow

Tomorrow, when I wake, or think I do, what shall I say of today?

It was a dark week for us. After the argument over the kiss for the photographer, and all that followed, we were uncertain as to what to do. We hadn't broken up, as such, but nor were we together. Every morning in the car we had sat and looked out of opposite windows. Class was a good distraction from awkward conversations. At lunch, we barely said a word. I don't know if he was waiting for an apology. I thought about offering one. But that would have involved taking back what I had said, and I couldn't. I didn't dare try to believe he loved me as much as he thought he did.

Tamaki had no such qualms. He was so sure of his feelings in those days. He was so sure he loved me, and he missed our easy conversation in that week. What he did not know was that I missed it too. As far as he knew, I was still angry over the incident when we were modelling for the Hitachiins, and that was all that was bothering me. The truth of it was, I wasn't sure what I wanted or what I should do. I hadn't been able to fight the men off myself.

It was Tamaki who decided things couldn't go on in such a way between us. I can imagine the day, almost at the end of the week, a Thursday, when he came to this conclusion. I had left early, unable to stand attending the Host Club and listening to the usual acts. Seeing how well 'forbidden love' sold for the twins, we had adopted an angle in which Tamaki and I were unsure of ourselves and our relationship, where Tamaki, who did not know what love was, was looking for it at the club; knowing if he found it he could not be with her for the sake of being with me.

I was in no mood to play that day. It was a little too close to the truth for comfort. So, Tamaki and the others were at the club without me that day.

"Hey, Tono..." Kaoru said, tentatively as they were tidying up at the end. "Is... Kotoko-senpai ill or something?"

"No." Tamaki sighed despondently. "I... She said she didn't want to come today. She must hate me..."

"Ehhh? Tama-chan!" Honey cried. "Really? But that's terrible!"

"She doesn't hate him!" Haruhi snapped, suddenly joining the conversation. "Tamaki-senpai, if she hated you, she would have broken up with you by now, wouldn't she?"

"I... I don't-"

"You just had an argument." Haruhi said, forcing herself to smile. "It's not worth breaking up over. You l-love her, don't you?"

No-one would have noticed the falter in her voice. Poor Haruhi. She wore a mask just as much as the rest of us did. Pretending to love or pretending not to. It was all the same, really.

"Yes!" Tamaki said, without hesitation.

"Then you can't just give up." Haruhi instructed. "Just apologise for trying to kiss her in front of the camera."

"But..." Tamaki floundered. "I... That wasn't all of it. She thinks I like someone else!"

"What?!" The twins said together. "That's stupid!"

"Tama-chan always likes Koko-chan the best..." Honey said, slowly.

"That's not what she thinks." Tamaki sighed, sadly.

"Then you have to show her." Kaoru said simply, shrugging.

"W-what?"

"It's easy." Hikaru told him, smiling. "When you take her home tomorrow..."

"You walk her to the door..."

"And kiss her passionately!" The twins finished together, giving him a thumbs up. "You can't fail!"

Tamaki flushed at this. The truth was, he hadn't hugged me in the last week, let alone the kind of make-out they seemed to be suggesting. He was worried I would push him away. At that point, I wasn't sure if I'd have let him or not. "B-b-but...! What if she's so mad she doesn't want me to?!"

"She'll forgive you!" They chanted. "Come on, Tono, won't it be romantic?"

And with that magic word, they clinched it. Tamaki resolved to do as they said, and spent the entirety of the next day in the silence we were becoming accustomed too, fidgeting nervously. When I said I would be skipping the club again, he said he would take me home. I was tempted to argue, or stay at the club- knowing if we were both absent we would be even more talked about than our apparent estrangement was already- but I was too proud to do so. I let him take me home, imagining that he wanted to talk. When he didn't speak to me in the car, I began to get uneasy. When he went to walk me to the door, something he hadn't done for days, I figured this was it, and turned to face him.

It was 'it', but not quite what I had imagined. I expected a 'can we talk' moment. I didn't expect him to quite suddenly reach out and hook an arm around my waist. He drew me close, and I got the answer to my question. I went to push him off, I wasn't ready to kiss him just yet. Not until we talked things over, not until he understood that this wasn't what I wanted. Our relationship was like a screen door, it served it's function but it was paper thin and opened onto nothing more than an empty room. I tried to push him away, but he misinterpreted it or didn't care, because he just held me tighter, bent me over like he so often did with the girls at the Host Club, his patented 'dip' technique.

I couldn't believe it. He was dipping me? We were becoming more false than ever.

"Tamaki-" I started, but was rudely interrupted by his lips slamming down on mine. This was not like his usual gentle kisses, not like his usual tenderness. This was rough and wrong and forced and desperate. I tried to push him away, he pushed harder. That was enough. I wrestled a hand free, and slapped him as hard as I could given my current situation.

He loosened his grip, and I straightened up. I hit him again. He must have seen it coming, but he let me do it, and I felt nothing but satisfaction at that time when his head snapped back. When he looked at me, I could see regret and something else in them. I didn't wait to find out. I pushed the door open, and I almost got through.

"Kotoko..." He said, quietly. "I... I just... I'm so so-"

"Save it!" I snapped. "I don't want to hear it!"

"But... I... I'm..."

"You forced yourself on me! Just like those men before!" I shouted. "You're... you're as bad as they are!"

With that, I slammed the door. I think my words hurt him more than the slap had. I heard the dull thud as he sank down against the door, sitting on the step. I didn't open the door again, opting instead to run towards the stair case.

"Kotoko-sama!" One of the maids called out. "Your mother-!"

I ignored her, ran upstairs, into my room, and slammed the door. I changed my clothes, all my movements sharp and jerking. Why had he done that? At the time, I couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking. It just seemed insensitive, and made me feel like I was cheap. Did he think I could forget everything with a kiss? Was his ego that huge, or did he just not understand me?

I was mad. So angry. I wasn't sure the slamming door in his face had made it clear enough, so I sent him a text. Two words:

"That's enough".

I turned my phone off. I was in no mood to see how he replied, if he even could. I didn't want to hear explanations or apologies at the moment. I sat down on the edge of my bed and, abruptly, felt the anger draining out of me and through the bed clothes. I rubbed my forehead with my free hand, but it didn't help my thoughts. I was beginning to feel that things were slipping out of my control, but there was nothing I could do to hold onto them. What was I supposed to do?

Not break up with Tamaki, for one thing. I wasn't sure why I had done it. I had been so angry.

But my future lay in marriage. If not with him, then who? I couldn't help feeling I had just thrown my 'purpose' away. I might have been an overdramatic teenager, but that afternoon in my room, I felt as if I had just thrown my life away. Into a dark pit with no sign of where the bottom might be or what it would be like when I got there. The best I could hope for was that I would somehow land on my feet.

There was a knock on my door, but it opened without waiting for an answer. I had to blink to make sure I was seeing correctly. I couldn't remember the last time my mother had come to my room. I wasn't even sure she ever had.

"Mother," I greeted her, immediately getting to my feet. My mother was not as strict as my father, but I still needed to be polite. I couldn't say we were close; we hardly knew each other. I think we paid only slightly more attention to each other than we would a fly on a wall. My mother assisted when choosing dresses and fabrics, was present when people paid us a formal visit, but in general, I saw little of her. She was quiet and reserved most of the time, didn't care for the business parties we were forced to frequent. Generally my siblings and I were the ones to accompany my father. She spent her time instead buried in books. I looked like my father, but if a love of literature was genetic, I had inherited it from her. People also said I had inherited her regal grace, but I wondered if they had ever seen us together. My mother seemed to float instead of walk, whereas I was most definitely grounded. She had been the eldest daughter of her family, I was the youngest child. We were as different as I think it was possible for any mother and offspring to be.

"Kotoko." She frowned, settling herself on the settee in the bottom of my room. "I asked for you to come. I don't expect to have to chase you up here myself."

"I'm sorry, mother, I..." I sought out words to explain. "I didn't hear the maid."

"Hmm." My mother replied, entwining her fingers. "Well, I've sent for tea. It's time you and I had a chat. Sit down."

I came and sat next to her, wondering if she somehow knew what had happened. I waited for her to speak.

"Your father," She began. "Has arranged for you to meet a suitor on Sunday."

I was surprised. I had assumed, as I think everyone had, that before too long I would be engaged to Tamaki. Indeed, it was customary for most of the girls at Ouran to be engaged during the second year and certainly in the third; I had expected it to be him, and my father's rage to crash down on me when he discovered I had ruined those plans. Yet it seemed I was to meet other candidates. It made my skin crawl to think about it. "Oh." I answered, to show I was listening. I didn't know how respond.

"I would recommend you don't mention Tamaki-kun to him." My mother instructed. "Or mention him to Tamaki-kun, if you think it will upset him."

"It's nothing to do with him." I answered. "Not any more, anyway."

"And why might that be?" She asked, but did not wait for an answer. "The maid said you seemed upset. What did you do? He always seemed the forgiving sort, you must have some talent to make him that angry..."

"No, I..." I swallowed slightly, suddenly nervous about admitting it. "I ended it with him."

There was a long silence as my mother gazed steadily at me. Just then the maid brought our tea in, and the pause got even longer.

"I see. And what did he do to deserve such treatment?"

"I was beginning to feel our relationship was only for show. Certainly he tried to kiss me at that stupid photoshoot the other day; and he forced himself onto me just now."

"And what did he do to deserve it?" My mother asked again, and then sighed. "Kotoko, please. What exactly are you expecting? At least Tamaki-kun loves you. Few people can boast even that much."

"I don't think he does, Mother."

"Then he at least thinks he does, or wants you to." She sipped at her tea. "Love is not in your future, Kotoko."

"I know, mother." I frowned. "This isn't about love, it's just that-"

"Your job, Kotoko, is to lie back and keep him satisfied. Your brothers keep the company going in the short term, you have to provide those who will take it up in the future." She sighed bitterly.

"Surely my brothers' children will inherit."

"Indeed. But your children will inherit another company."

"Unless they're girls."

"I did hope..." She said, quietly. "That there would be something better for your daughters."

I did not really know how to reply to that. This was the first I'd seen any indication from my mother that perhaps she was dissatisfied with her lot. I didn't quite know what to do about it.

"What's done is done." She said, suddenly. "We will just have to hope things go well with this young man your father has arranged for you to meet. Don't hope for love, Kotoko, focus on the good you can do for this family. Love is for maids. We sold our right to love in exchange for our wealth."

I think she would have left then, as she stood- though it was so elegant, it was more like she unfolded herself somehow- but I found myself speaking to halt her.

"Mother, would you... tell me about my brother?"

She sat back down, raising her eyebrows slightly. "And which brother might you be referring to?"

"My twin, mother."

She said nothing for a moment, not even asking how I knew. She settled herself, poured herself another cup of tea, and with no further prompting, started to tell me. I was surprised at the time how readily she volunteered the information.

"We called him Kyouya." She began. "Your name went with his, but he was the elder of you both and slightly bigger than you were. He was the healthier of you both. I thought, this boy, he was never born to be a third son. Of course, as it turned out, he was born for no reason at all; but... we weren't to know that at the time. You were such a fine set of twins, we were proud. We weren't sure what role he would fulfil, with your brothers already born, but I at least thought he would exceed what a third son should be. That must seem strange to you, when he was only a baby. But... you can tell a lot within the first few weeks, you'll soon see I'm sure. I was curious to see what he would be like when he grew up. I had such high hopes for him..."

"I can't argue he was any kind of exceptional baby, that he was walking at a week and talking at a month. He was... much like any other child, I suppose. I had high hopes for you both, but especially for him. Your father... didn't. I don't think he thought much would ever happen for his third son. A suitable position underneath his brothers, nothing more. You were easier, of course, because any number of eligible partners had been born in and around that time. That was fairly set before you were even born. You have to realise any number of daughters can be arranged for one way or another. No-one quite knew what exactly we would do with a third son. I was determined he would do something worthwhile, not just a show position. Your father was not so sure that would be possible."

"Even so, it remained to be seen. You must have been about seven weeks old when the nursemaid asked us to send for a doctor. She'd been telling us for some days that the two of you had been coughing and sniffing; but by this point you were running a temperature. We were sceptical, I'll admit, but we had seen three children raised by her already and she was more than capable of dealing with the usual infant ailments. Therefore, the doctor was duly called, and it seems it was a good job we did. It seemed that the two of you had somehow contracted some sort of mild form of pneumonia. Nothing too bad, but somewhat risky in children so young. He prescribed some anti-biotics and instructed us to keep him updated. If you got much worse, you would have been sent to the hospital..."

"As it was, though, you, Kotoko, improved daily. The nanny said there was an immediate difference. She was more concerned about your brother. He seemed, if anything to be getting worse and in such a way as to alarm her. We were forced to call the doctor again. I'm not sure he felt there was any need for him to come when we called him, because he certainly didn't seem to be any hurry. His eventual diagnosis was that Kyouya was allergic to the antibiotics, and he prescribed him a different kind. I suppose it must have been his incompetence... or ours, for not pushing him to acquire the replacements, but, either way, we were unsuccessful. Your brother passed away before we got hold of the replacements, in less than a week since we had called the doctor. One morning we were all woken by you crying and then the nanny came rushing in and told us. By then, of course... it was too late."

I expected her to continue, but her monologue came to an abrupt halt there. She sipped her tea and silence hung in the air. I had wanted to know what she thought my father's involvement was, but she had said nothing. I knew it would be vulgar to press the issue, but frankly I didn't care. I had been subjected nightly to the scenes of my brother ever since I had overheard their conversation. I had split up with Tamaki and I was beginning to wonder why. And I had been told, over and over again, by the shadowy figure in my dreams that I was not meant to be here. Maybe this was why. Perhaps I should have been the one to die. I wanted to know why I hadn't.

"And... then?"

"Then?" My mother echoed, feigning confusion. "Well, you were taken into hospital to make sure you recovered properly, and you did. It was certainly unusual that you hadn't shared the original allergy, but there was nothing in it. That's just how the world turns."

"Mother..." I said, tentatively. Even in the onset of my new mood, I wasn't yet brave enough to simply ask outright why she had accused my father of letting him die. I knew I had to be more subtle, but it was hard to think of how. "How did my... father react to all this?"

There was another long pause. "Aha," My mother said finally in a sort of sigh. "So you did overhear. I wondered how you'd found out."

I said nothing, and sipped innocently at my tea.

"Kotoko, the things I said to your father that day were unbased." She said, firmly. "I was just too caught up in... grief, I suppose. You'll understand if you lose a child, though let's pray that never happens."

"Yet you were suspicious?"

"That's enough, Kotoko!" She snapped. "How dare you even entertain the notion of such a thing?! I was wrong to say what I did and I hope it did not put any ideas in your head!"

"Of course not, mother." I was quick to say. "I was just curious."

I knew we were both lying. No matter how much she pressed the opposite on me now, the seeds of doubt would always lie germinating in the back of my mind, in some dark corner, no matter how much I tried to ignore them from now on. However, the conversation was clearly over as my mother climbed to her feet once again and got as far as the door without looking back.

"Kotoko." She said, quietly. "I... spoke out of turn. I simply found the new antibiotics in a cupboard after your brother passed away. I thought, in the madness of the time... but they were delivered later that day. The maid didn't know how best to dispose of them and so left them there temporarily. That was all."

The door shut silently behind her, to leave me alone to thoughts that moved without conclusion. I thought of my brother and of my father, and of Tamaki and Haruhi and myself. I wondered what would become of us- or what had become of him, or what would have become of him- after all this.

I was angry, at myself and Tamaki and my father; and confused. Thoughts swirled in my head, and I couldn't settle to anything. My only escape seemed to be into sleep, and I leant back into the chair, closing my eyes. Thoughts swarmed round in my head looking for a way out, but I didn't open them. When I did fall asleep, I saw him again. For the first time, I didn't see him as a teenager. This time, in my dream, he could have hardly been older than about three. I saw him that day sitting in a room of our house, reading a book. It had large print and big pictures, but he seemed young to be reading at all. Our eldest brother sat at a table not far away, books for University entrance exams spread before him. The room was silent apart from the ticking clock. Finally, Kyouya spoke.

"Nii-san," he said, curiously. "What does this word say?"

"Not now, Kyouya." Our brother snapped.

Young as he was, even then Kyouya knew not to ask again. He stared at the word, frowning at it. "S..." He started, sounding the word out. "L...I..."

"Kyouya!" Nii-san shouted, his stress levels up to breaking point. "If you can't be quiet, go away!"

Kyouya went away. I knew, somehow, that was the only time he ever asked for help.

"You're right." The phantom agreed, appearing from nowhere with the voice that dripped ice. "He never asked for help... not even as a baby, not even when he was dying... he couldn't, you see. You can. You can ask, yet you don't. He never had that choice. Who are you to take that choice from him? Who are you to decide?"

I tried to move away, but I couldn't. Of course I couldn't, I never could.

"You shouldn't be here..."

I began to wish I hadn't forced myself to sleep so early, before even dinner. I was in for another long night, facing my phantom.

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A/N: Ahaha, poor Kotoko. So did her father know about the antibiotics or did they just get there too late...? We'll never know! Disclaimers stand as before, I don't own Ouran and I don't own the Waiting for Godot quotes.

On a note of random trivia, it was only after writing this chapter that I decided to put on a prolouge. :) Thanks for reading!

Next time, Tamaki's already tried and failed to win her back, but will she choose him after all? Or will the other suitor get his way...? Chapter Four on Saturday.