Five: Moods

One isn't a master of one's moods

Looking back, I think I was the only one who was surprised by Tamaki's sudden proposal. I'll admit, I had no idea what to say. It seemed almost absurd, this situation. We were just kids. Hadn't he noticed how there was something about Haruhi that made her different in his eyes to every other girl? But then, hadn't he always treated me a little differently, too? He had made me promise him that I would trust him to love me, and now I knew why.

When I was still not answering, Tamaki began to talk, nervously. I don't quite recall everything he said, which sounds heartless I'm sure. But the thing was, it was Tamaki, and he did say rather a lot. Besides which, I was rather taken aback. As far as I knew, our families had yet to come to an agreement one way or the other.

As it turned out, this was the point. Within reassuring me he didn't intend us to marry immediately and telling me how happy we'd be, he also told me why he had asked me that day. He wanted to make sure I wasn't set up with Fumio, of course, but more than that, he told me he wished to ask me himself, properly, before this path to the future was dictated to us. He wanted me to know this was his choice, and what he wanted.

So what else was I to do? My father had cautioned me not to ever lose Tamaki again. I accepted the ring onto my finger. He was happy. I smiled too. This was my reason, wasn't it? Perhaps that's why I hadn't dreamt of my phantom the night before. This was all I needed.

And yet, even at the time, I felt the uneasy stirrings in my stomach that it wasn't going to be as easy as that. These feelings were proven to be correct, when Tamaki came that evening to announce his intentions to my father. I had done my best to persuade him to at least wait until after my meeting with Fumio, or even until our families decided on our engagement- as I was sure they would. Yet Tamaki could not be deterred. I sat awkwardly by his side at the table, one of my hands in both of his, and the other out of sight, where I couldn't seem to stop rubbing my thumb over the ring. It was a pretty thing, and usually understated. I realised he had picked it with my tastes in mind rather than his, and the result was a simple silver band with three small stones set in it. Even in the half light of the dining room, it glinted.

"Forgive me for saying it, Tamaki-kun," My father said, coldly, when Tamaki had finished. "But you're rather presumptuous to expect me to agree to this. Didn't Kotoko tell you negotiations are still underway?"

"Ah, um, yes." Tamaki faltered, not used to my father being discourteous. "I... I just..."

"Tamaki-kun," my father said, sounding almost paternal as he shook his head. "I'm not sure you're aware of your situation. You are certainly one of the potential suitors for Kotoko, but you are not the only one. You must realise that I can't trust you with my daughter unless I'm certain you'll take care of her and there will be benefits for our family."

"Ootori-san, please! Of course I would look after her! I-!"

My father held up a hand to stay the protest. "You can't guarantee it. You are not the Superintendent's legitimate son, are you? Why, we can't even be certain you'll inherit the company in the future, and then where would the two of you be?"

"I..."

"You shouldn't let your hopes surpass what you can logically hope to do." My father continued, sternly. "You don't know at the moment what will happen to you in the future. Until you do, you should know your place."

"Father," I protested on seeing Tamaki's face and seeing the hurt in it. "Just the other day you told me Tamaki was-"

"That's enough, Kotoko." He admonished me. "Tamaki-kun. Please don't think of this as an outright rejection just yet. However, I have to consider all options before I give Kotoko to just anyone. I think you had better go home now."

Tamaki stood up, bowed, and left the room. I had no idea how he controlled himself like that, but then, I didn't even know what was running through his mind. Knowing the way he tended to think, he may well have started to believe that what my father said was not only true but correct. I was not so respectful. After glaring at my father for a moment, I stood and followed Tamaki out. He was walking so fast he was almost at the front door already.

"Tamaki-!" I began, having no idea how I would finish that sentence even as I started it.

"Don't worry, okay?" He said, forcing a smile. "Your father is right, I shouldn't have... presumed... Anyway, I'll see you on Monday, okay, sweetheart?"

"Tamaki..."

"Oh, yes! I have a dental appointment that morning so I'll be missing first lesson. You'll be okay getting there without me, right, darling?"

"Of course, but, Tamaki-"

"Then I'll see you on Monday! Have fun till then, okay?"

With that he left, and all I could do was frown at a closed door. I had somewhat expected this to happen, but I wasn't yet sure if I was somehow glad it had. I had already decided marrying Tamaki was what I was meant to do, and my father's treatment of him had angered me, but there had also been something of a sense of relief about it. I pushed it firmly down inside me. True, I might have not liked the idea of being engaged, but hadn't I decided I loved Tamaki and I would trust him to love me? Our marriage was right, in a world that had so much wrong in it. I had to cling onto that thought, because otherwise, I didn't know half as much as I thought I did, or anything at all. This was my reason for being, or for living while my brother had died. We could not argue with our fates, only try to live happily within them.

It seems strange now, looking back, how rapidly my opinion had changed by that time. Until I had started having dreams about my brother and heard the words of my phantom, I had viewed fate as something shaped by our decisions and circumstances. There were several options, but not unlimited ones; yet each leading to several new ones. Now I was beginning to think fate was more like an exam. You had to do the right things to pass and live life successfully. Up until now, I had been failing, but now I knew what to do. I just had to get on and do it, and then everything would be fine. There and then I resolved that no matter how charming Fumio was the next day, or even if I fell desperately in love with him, I would not marry him. It seemed the kind of thing that would happen, just to make life difficult for me. But love could not get in the way of business or of fate. Even if the worst happened, I would marry Tamaki; no matter how much I had to argue with my father to do so.

His door was still open as I passed to get to my own room. "Kotoko," his voice came from within. "I will not be happy if I catch you wearing that ring again."

I took it off, and placed it onto my dressing table. I wouldn't wear it for now, if only to stop him confiscating it. Yet I promised myself it would be back on my finger one day, no matter what. Not my father or Tamaki's grandmother or Fumio or even Haruhi would stop it. Perhaps that was a cruel thought, but it was what I had to do. What my brother had died for.

I dreamt of him again that night, as I had known I would. He was about my age, as I usually saw him, and on this occasion, he was watching a girl. I didn't know who she was. His fingers drummed irritably on the desk, which really wasn't like him- especially when his laptop was open in front of him. There was a university application open on the screen, which meant he was a little older than me- in his third year. The girl he was watching, I didn't recognise. She was talking to the twins.

"Kyoooooouya!" I knew the voice too well to need the conformation it was Tamaki sneaking up behind his friend. "You like her, don't you, don't you?!"

"Don't be ridiculous." Kyouya snapped, immediately returning to his laptop. "I was just observing how the twins' act seems to be slipping."

"Don't worry, my friend!" Tamaki said, as if Kyouya had never replied. "Do you want to know something encouraging?"

"No."

"She always tries to ask for you! Yes, it's true, you are the one host she never designates! Yet, this is only because she feels too shy, and, having come up to the Host Club to ask for you, cannot get your name out! She only asks for the others to avoid looking a fool! She's been watching you alllllll afternoon..."

"Tamaki. Shut up."

To hear his dismissal, you would think Tamaki was being foolish. Yet I knew that tone, because it was very similar to my own. And, from the place where I watched, I could see the slightest of blushes on his skin. It only seemed to be on his ears, which I envied. It was far less noticeable than the ones that seemed to creep unbidden across my face.

My phantom began his whispering in my ear again then. I longed to see more of my brother, watch him for a longer time, but the whispers would always come and my brother be lost to darkness. "How much unhappiness surrounds you, Kotoko..." he said, softly, almost teasing. "He's dead... that girl is lonely... Tamaki will be caught in a miserable marriage... your mother and father can't look at you for being reminded of him. So much sadness in just one life, and there's more to come."

I wanted to tell him to stop, but as usual, I couldn't speak.

"There's so much more to come." He hissed. "What are you going to do about it, Kotoko? Isn't it time you brought a little happiness into this world?! Isn't it time you made someone smile?! Isn't it time you stopped taking and gave something back?! You bring sadness with you, it lies in your shadow and stalks your steps! Do something, Kotoko, don't just stand there! Do something!"

I awoke in the small hours, and resolved to do something. I was not going to marry Fumio. I would make Tamaki- and myself- happy, whether I wanted to or not.

So, I got up early that morning, which pleased my father as he took it as a sign of obedience in that I was going to meet with Fumio. A complete opposite to Tamaki, I was advised to dress to look older. For a second I was tempted to put on a floral skirt, brightly coloured cardigan and slippers to make myself seem elderly, but thought better of it. Besides which, I didn't own any of those things. Instead, I dressed myself in a slightly shorter skirt than I would normally wear, as it didn't quite reach my knees, tights, boots, and a blouse. I pulled my hair up into a bun, just leaving a few strands out, and then put on more jewellery than I normally would. Usually, it was no more than a necklace at most; but today I wore a more obvious one, and several gold and wood-coloured bangles on each wrist, and some dangling earrings.

I was ready. I would behave exactly as I was supposed to, but find a way to ensure my father would never choose him. I was sure I would discover some way to trap Fumio in his own words. I did, after all, have fate on my side. This was my reason.

At 1 PM, lunch was served, and my afternoon with Fumio began. I was sat next to him at the smallest and most intimate of our dining tables, my father and mother opposite. At first, my mother and I spoke little, letting the men talk. Yet, inevitably, the talk turned to me.

"It's being a long time since I've seen you, Kotoko-san." He said, smiling. "Or, what was it? Ko-chan?"

I forced a smile. "Yes, it's been a while."

"It's a shame, isn't it? We used to see each other often when we were young." All his attention was focused on me now, and I didn't like the patronising tone he used. "You were such a cute little girl! And just look at you now, you've grown into a fine young woman."

I was watching his face closely, looking for a crack in his facade, and his expression didn't slip. Thankfully, he threw it away for me as he quite deliberately squeezed my leg under the table. I forced myself not to show anything but a vague distaste, and said, very quietly:

"Please remove your hand."

I had pitched it just right, so my parents would overhear but so that it didn't look like I was deliberately trying to discredit him. He gave my leg a harder squeeze, but then removed his hand. I watched the dark look that flashed over my father's face but was quickly smoothed away. Good. Fumio was already overstepping the mark. The rest of the meal was spent in awkward talk, in which my father asked some tricky questions of Fumio of the prospects of his family's business and Fumio gave some half-reasonable answers. It seemed that while they were struggling slightly at this precise second, it was only because sacrifices had been made for greater return in the future.

"We can be very patient." He concluded. "But we'll always get what we want in the end." This was followed by a sideways glance at me. I looked down at my lap, trying to look upset when in reality I was just wondering if I was supposed to be impressed by this.

Eventually, the torture of the meal was over and I was left to entertain Fumio. I think the point was that I impress him, but I didn't seem to have much work to do.

"Do you remember when we were kids, Kotoko?" He asked, as we wandered around the gardens. There wasn't much to see there at that time of year, but we walked around nevertheless. "We used to play together in the gardens all the time."

"I think so, though I was a little young to remember it properly." I hedged. Truth be told, we had only really ever met when our fathers were arranging projects, or at parties, and I'm fairly sure we hadn't even set foot in a garden more than once or twice. Besides, by the time I was seven he was already fourteen; or when he was ten I was only three. I thought even then this seemed a strange thing to say. His interest in me had grown at about the same rate my womanly assets had, that was the truth of it.

"Haha, that's probably true. How old are you now? Sixteen?"

"Seventeen."

"Ah, a sweet age to be." He teased. "Just bloomed, as they say."

I had no idea how to reply to that. He didn't seem to mind, putting an arm around my waist instead. I pulled away.

"Excuse me." I said, as politely as I could manage.

"Sorry." He apologised. "I just thought, as we are bethroved..."

"We aren't yet, Fumio-san." I answered, firmly. "And, it would do you well to remember that will give you very few privileges even if we are."

"Haha," he laughed, "Well, when we're married, perhaps you won't be quite so prim?"

"If we're married." I replied.

"When." He said, his tone suggesting he thought this would be doing me a great kindness. "Don't worry. I promise. You're just too cute for me to let go." Here he tapped my nose with his fingertip. I took a step further away and frowned.

"If that's your goal, we should take the time to know each other." I suggested. "After all, I know very little about you, and I daresay you don't know much about me. You should at least find out if you could live with me."

"Kotoko, of course I could live with you." He said, softly. "It's what I've always wanted."

Now that, I doubted. He hadn't had too much interest in me before. Now, with Tamaki, you knew it was genuine; or at least he wanted it to be. He wanted to know more important things about me than what I looked like. Fumio... I knew what a marriage between us would be. I hated the idea.

"Yet you know nothing about me."

"Yet you haven't told me anything." He countered.

"You haven't asked."

"Then I'm asking."

"What are you asking?"

"Well... say, what's your favourite colour?"

"Is that important?" I said, though in truth it was because I didn't really know. I mostly just chose the colour which seemed the most appropriate to the object I was buying or the person who was asking. For Fumio, however, I wouldn't make it easy.

"You're a hard one to please." He sighed.

"And you're already sick of me." I answered, smiling slightly.

"No, I'm very easy to please." He whispered, leaning closer. I expected a peck on the cheek, but he placed a hand to my cheek, gently turning my face. He wasn't forcing me. Fumio may have been a little too self-assured and rather superficial, but he wasn't that bad. I wasn't frightened. I could easily have pulled away.

It must seem strange to you that I didn't, given I was, after all, convinced by this time that my purpose was to learn how to love Tamaki and to let him love me back. However, all this time I had been drawing him slowly towards the house, where I knew someone would be watching. Then I let him kiss me briefly and stood stiff as a board, as though I could not refuse him for risk of upsetting the family. After that, we headed back inside, and even I couldn't read my father's face.

After Fumio had gone, with his self-assured smile still in place, my father turned to me and asked: "Well?"

"...I will marry whoever you feel will most benefit myself and this family, father." I said, and headed upstairs. I was outwardly calm, although I'll admit inside my heart was pounding. The sad truth of it was, his being slightly perverted around the edges would not be enough for my father to disregard him. He had to believe Fumio's behaviour would be bad enough to discredit our family or to ruin the business as soon as he was in charge of it. Otherwise, I could very well wind up in his bed. The very thought made me shudder.

What followed was a few anxious hours of waiting. Eventually I gave up on having any answer before the morning, and, conscious of school the next day, I knew it was time to turn in. Just as I stood, though, having been listlessly watching television and half-expecting Tamaki call and being shocked when he didn't, a maid knocked on the door and said my father had requested to see me. With some trepredation, I headed to his study. It seemed so long ago Tamaki and I had knelt her together. Now, I supposed, Tamaki would get the final answer to his question one way or another.

I remember the exact moment it hit me, with my hand poised, ready to knock, that I really had very little control over my own life and my own fate. I was leaving my future in the hands of a few individuals because otherwise my future would seem to be so much worse. I suppose it was as if I were a fish, being swept downstream in a current. I had no control over where to go, but if I jumped from the water altogether I would suffocate. The best I could do was discover my purpose within the walls that were built around me. That was what my Phantom was trying to tell me. I would waste too much energy trying to change things. Fate would provide my purpose, but I had to find it, not sit there and wait for it to happen. That was why my brother had to die. There was something I was supposed to do, I was sure of it. I had to do something. Bring some happiness.

I knocked on the door, still not knowing what would lie beyond it. I wasn't even sure what I would do. That morning I had resolved I would marry Fumio, and the prospect made my skin crawl even now. Yet the idea of what would happen if I pushed too far scared me too. I was fairly sure I wouldn't find my purpose in the bottom of a pauper's grave. I would do what I could, I decided, but concede defeat with grace if I had to.

"You wanted to speak with me, Father?"

"Yes." He said, gravely, setting aside some papers. "I've been looking at the Nokues forecasts and profit margins and so on. I'm sure I don't need to tell you they're very good."

"Yes, father."

He paused for a moment, expecting more of a reaction, but I offered none. Lips pursed slightly, he added: "But of course, so are the Suohs. A marriage into either family would be beneficial for us. Of course, Fumio is somewhat impulsive- he'll make money as easily as he'll lose it. Tamaki, on the other hand... he would probably settle down and work hard, provided he does inherit the company, and of that there's no guarantee. What am I to do for the best?"

I didn't answer, his question was rhetorical. I was sure he had already come to a decision, and indeed, he had.

"Fumio will of course have accountants and assistants to keep him in line. And the price of building is only going to go up, having the Nokue on board could be very beneficial for us. I've decided you should accept his proposal."

I swallowed, almost hearing the sound as the guillotine thudded down on my future. "And Tamaki?"

"You may as well stay with him for now." My father shrugged. "Don't lie, but you could perhaps lead him to assume nothing's been decided. It'll be a few years yet before the wedding, we may as well keep the family's favour as long as possible."

That more then anything made me angry. At least before I had been able to pretend there had been a pure motive to my dating him, some point, some hope that it might go somewhere. To continue would make it all to clear I was using him. I stood up, not caring that I hadn't been dismissed.

"I suppose it doesn't matter anyway." I spat. "I daresay he'll leave me soon enough anyway!"

"What have you done?"

"Nothing. He's just in love with someone else and sooner or later he'll figure that out!"

I regret ever saying that now. How was I to know the words would one day send me over the edge? At the time I just said them in anger. That was the moment I dared to think perhaps my relationship with Tamaki was more than business after all, maybe it was more than friendship?

Why didn't I realise that before I was engaged to someone else?

That night I dreamt again of my phantom and of my brother. Today I saw him on a trip with the rest of the Host Club to what seemed to be some kind of theme park. They were coming off, soaked, from a water ride. Everyone seemed happy. I so rarely saw my brother smiling like that, let alone Haruhi. It seemed like she was having fun. Tamaki was watching her intently, a little smile on his face- probably this had been his plan and he was glad she was enjoying it. My brother seemed to be having fun too, which was rare. I wasn't sure I had ever seen him relaxed before.

"You look happy, Kyouya-senpai." Kaoru commented.

"You want to leave that much, huh?" Hikaru added, less impressed.

"That's not it!" Honey interrupted. "Kyou-chan is happy because his girlfriend promised to stay in touch even after he graduates!"

"How many times? She's not my girlfriend."

"That's not the point!" Tamaki declared, butting in. "There's less than a week until graduation, so we don't have much time to all have fun together like this!"

"But Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai graduated last year and they're still here." Haruhi pointed out. "Now, let's just get a move on, okay? The queues for the good rides are all going to get really long."

"Ah, yes, of course!" Tamaki answered, probably thinking how cute it was that Haruhi liked rollercoasters. The others drew away. Kyouya stood and watched them, and then he glanced up at the sky. This time, I had no idea what he was thinking about.

Then his face turned and he looked at me, into my eyes. Before I could react, the whole world went dark. There was nothing in the blackness of the void except the voice of my phantom.

"They're just hanging out, aren't they?" He asked, hissing the words. I couldn't see him this time. Perhaps I was inside his blackened mind. "They're just hanging out and having fun. So why is their life so much happier than yours? Why does this seem so much less like a dream? Why do these people seem so much more real then you do? This is a life without masks and without facades! This is a life where it is seen for what it is! When will you drop the pretence that this is why you were born?!"

I heard no more, waking up with a start. I lay and watched the dawn creep over my ceiling. I tried not to think, but the thoughts crept into my mind as the light seeped over my closed eyelids. A future with Fumio.

That morning seemed very bleak.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: Haha… I almost forgot to update today. XD Oh well! Poor Tamaki-kun, huh? He never has any luck. Poor Kotoko too, I don't think she wants to marry either of them. Disclaimers as usual.

On a note of random trivia, I stole Fumio's name from the pirate in the Tales of the Ootori series by Lian Hearn. :D

So! Next time, it's the 'engagement' chapter… someone has to win, one way or another. Please join me then!