Nine: Subsision

Indeed all subsides. A great calm descends.

Tamaki and I returned from our honeymoon on a Saturday. It felt strange to pull up to his house and realise it was to be my home from now on. Apparently my things from my parents' home had been sent ahead while we were away, and should by then have been 'arranged' by the staff. Still, it was strange, to try and picture myself living at the second Suoh mansion. To be sure, I had spent a lot of time there over the years, but I knew no matter how long I stayed there, I would always see it as Tamaki's house.

"Here we are." He said, as we pulled up. "This is the part where I have to carry you through the door, right?"

"No." I shot back. "We already did that part." I got of out the car quickly, before he could start whining about traditions. I made it to the door, but just as it opened, Tamaki came up behind me.

"Too late." He whispered in my ear, scooping me up into his arms.

"Tamaki." I hissed, annoyed. "Put me down. This is humiliating."

"If we don't, we'll have bad luck!" He insisted, and stepped over the threshold. "There."

"Put me down." I repeated.

"Only if you kiss me first." He teased.

"No." I refused, flatly, and he put me down with an exaggerated sigh and pout.

"Is this all our marriage is to be?"

"Yes." I said, smiling coldly, and he laughed.

"Back for five minutes, and already so much noise." Shima-san emerged into the hall, feigning annoyance as always. "Tamaki-san, Kotoko-sama. Welcome back."

"Shima-san!" Tamaki greeted, loping over to hug the elderly housekeeper, who, I couldn't help feel, had become something of a surrogate grandmother to him. "Hello! I have so much to tell you! And you must see the photos! It was an amazing trip!"

"And yet, in the meantime, your wife looks dead on her feet." Shima-san sniffed. I guessed then, as she later admitted, that she didn't approve of our marriage- at least, not at such a young age. She hadn't thought Tamaki was ready, and had advised his grandmother against it in the strongest of terms. Unfortunately, his grandmother had cared very little for Shima-san's opinion, and so here we all were.

"Oh, no, Shima-san, I'm fine." I said, but her words had already done the damage.

"I'm sorry, Kotoko!" Tamaki cried. "I didn't realise how late it was, sweetheart, I won't keep you up."

"Tamaki." I said, firmly. "It's only ten pm. I'm fine, honestly."

"Then I can show you around the house!" He perked up immediately. "Come on!" With that, he grabbed my wrist and began to pull me up the grand staircase.

"I have been here before," I pointed out. "Numerous times, in fact. Indeed, this must be the fifth tour you've given me at the very least."

"This time is different!" He insisted. "It's your home too, now, so we've made a few changes."

This took me aback a little. "You did?"

"Yes." He smiled. "We knew we needed a room to suit you, so..." He stopped outside a door, and bowed. "After you, princess."

Normally I would have rolled my eyes at his theatrics, but today I was curious to see what he had done to the room behind the door. Previously, if I recalled correctly, it had just been one of many spare bedrooms. When I opened the door, however, I found it had been redecorated. The walls had been painted a pale blue, with a dark blue carpet, just as my room had been in my parent's house. Indeed, all the art work, prints and paintings, that I had hanging on my walls there had been put carefully up here. My other things were here too, apart from my clothes. Three of the walls were lined with bookcases. Two of them, perhaps, were filled with books I had previously owned. The rest were packed full with goodness-knows-what. When I examined them under closer inspection, I found almost the entirety of the small library that the house had contained before. While it had been hardly a fifth of the size that the main house boasted, I had spent a lot of time in there. It seemed most of the volumes were now installed in my room; every one I had ever borrowed or looked at, in fact, every one that could possibly interest me was there. There were some I'd never seen before too, that he had ordered specially to 'welcome' me. I was happy, and touched by his thoughtfulness. Yet it was touched with a hint of sadness. Very soon I would have a lot of time to read.

I forced myself not to dwell on that, and to examine the rest of the room. I smiled when I saw that he had brought up my favourite easy chair from the library too, with it's lamp. Apart from the books, there was also a television and a shelf of my CDs and DVDs, with a small settee put before it. There was a desk and a chair placed in front of the window. When I saw it, I suddenly recalled a stupid conversation Tamaki and I had once discussed. My room was being redecorated at the time. Tamaki was trying to make me more enthusiastic about it.

"But a new colour can make all the difference!" He had tried.

"It's staying the same colour, Tamaki."

"Oh, didn't you fancy a change? Variety is the spice of life!"

"I like blue. Anyway, it doesn't really matter what colour it is."

"Of course it does!" He'd protested. "You spend a lot of time in there, so it has to suit you."

"It doesn't suit me." I'd dismissed. "It seems silly in a house this big that I sleep and dress and work all in the same room. What I'd really like is for it to be divided properly so I could have a study."

He had suddenly grinned broadly, like he always did when he had an idea. He didn't reveal what it was, though, saying instead: "That's kind of cute, Kotoko!"

When I saw the beautiful wooden writing desk, I realised he'd remembered what I had forgotten myself. He'd made me a study.

"Do you like it?" He asked me anxiously. "If you don't, we can change it."

"I like it." I replied, not sure what else to say. "Thank you."

He just smiled, and took my hand again. "There's a lock on the door if you want to keep me out." He joked, and started to lead me out. "We changed things in the bedroom, too. Come see."

I went. I saw. Although, to be honest, there didn't seem to be much of a change. An extra wardrobe had been brought in, and my old dressing table that I had owned for years, and some of my toiletries had been sorted into the cupboard in the attached bathroom. The biggest change, it seemed to me, was itself quite minor. The bed had been moved more into the centre of the room. It seemed far more prominent. Yet it was the same double bed he had always had, even with the same covers. It was ungrateful, I suppose, but I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. To me, it was his bed, and whenever I slept in it, I would just feel like a audacious guest. I wished we could have moved into a different room, or a different bed at least. Yet, for all the things he had thought of, that probably had not occurred to Tamaki.

So, on a Saturday night, I slept in Tamaki's bed for the first time. Just as on our honeymoon, I took the left and he took the right. Since the night that I had panicked at the nightmare and he had held me, we weren't quite so shy with one another. It seemed my bad memories and my fears were not awakened if we held hands. That, then, was what we did. That first night in the Suoh mansion, Tamaki held my hand, and we fell asleep facing one another, just as I had done with Fuyumi as a child when the darkness frightened me. Tamaki's hand was bigger than hers, but didn't feel quite as safe. I knew that his presence would not stop the phantom. Since the first unexpected attack on the honeymoon, I had seen him every night, and had to stifle my gasps when I was startled awake to avoid disturbing Tamaki. I was getting good at it.

That first night in his house, I dreamt of my phantom and my brother again. I hadn't had the vicious attack of images again, just the usual. Tonight, I saw my father.

"You're being ridiculous!" He thundered. "How dare you? Show some respect."

"Respect has to be earnt." Kyouya dismissed, coolly. "Or, if it can be expected on virtue of being human, perhaps you should also respect me."

"This is an important meeting for us, Kyouya. If you are not there-"

"I've told you, father. I apologise, but the Host Club has had a long-standing event and it's necessary for me to attend."

"The Host Club? Necessary? Have you lost all your perspective? You will be at this meeting, Kyouya, or it will be so much the worse for you."

"I'm afraid I can't." Kyouya said, just as firmly. "Please excuse me."

With more cheek then I had seen him possess before, he left the house with his dignity in tact. I knew the scene later would be far worse, and without dignity, as my father punished him. Still, I couldn't help but admire his gall.

"Do you want to see what happened next?" Asked the silken voice from the darkness. "Do you want to see what happened when his father arrived at that event...?"

"No." I whispered, but it was no use. The darkness cleared again, and I recognised the Host Club there, entertaining adults- presumably parents. When father walked in, my phantom made sure I got a clear look at Kyouya's look of shock which was quickly smoothed over. I could feel, though, the nerves he would never show on his face as he stood and approached. I think everyone was surprised when my father slapped him across the face, right there, in public. His glasses fell to the floor. Things went dark again.

"And then, do you want to see what happened?" My phantom chuckled.

"No!"

Too late. Things were starting without me. Tamaki in a car, Tamaki leaving. Hikaru thrown to the floor. Haruhi flying from a bridge. Kyouya, surrounded by father's men. No escape. No resolution.

"You see..." My phantom hissed, as we saw Haruhi disappearing further into the water, as the men refused to obey my brother. "Do you want to find your reason, Kotoko? One night can make all the difference."

Things went black again. I could see nothing, and there was nothing to hear but the ghostly chuckle of a single voice.

One night could make all the difference. I could quite easily imagine what I was supposed to fill it with.

The twins certainly thought so. The moment we returned on a Monday morning, there were 'Every room in the house' jokes coming thick and fast. Finally, tidying up after the club- in which, after his absence, and many girls still feeling sorry for him being 'trapped in a loveless marriage', Tamaki was in high demand- they really went for it.

"So, what did you do, Tama-chan?" Honey-senpai was asking, having still not had chance to really hear about the honeymoon. Before Tamaki could answer, however, the twins were there.

"Isn't it obvious, Honey-senpai?" Hikaru smirked.

"They hired a cottage because there are fewer rooms to... bless." Kaoru teased, wickedly.

"That's not the reason at all!" Tamaki immediately rose to the bait. "How dare you even suggest such a thing! What Kotoko and I-"

"Okay, maybe that's not why you hired the cottage." Kaoru shrugged.

"But I bet that's why you wanted to marry her, right, Tono?"

"What?! No, I love Kotoko very much, so it's only natural that we got married!"
"And you weren't getting any." They chorused, laughing.

I had been trying to ignore them up to this point, but I'll admit their teasing got to me then; mostly because I could picture Tamaki replying that he still wasn't, and then I would have to dig myself a grave and lie in it. Not before making him fill his, of course. I missed his reply, however, because Haruhi was speaking to me.

"Shouldn't you stop them?" She said, sounding extremely irritated. "Doesn't it annoy you?"

"Stopping the twins from teasing Tamaki is like turning the tide." I replied, trying to remain calm- outwardly at least. "And I really have no desire to be part of a discussion about my marital relationship."

Unfortunately, it seemed I wasn't to be given the choice, as just then the twins appeared suddenly behind me and wrapped their arms protectively around my waist and stomach.

"There's only one other reason people get married so young..."

"You knocked up Kotoko-senpai, didn't you?!" Hikaru accused.

"No, of course I didn't!!"

"Fiend." Kaoru glared.

"Pervert." Hikaru agreed.

All this made Tamaki go absolutely ballistic, to their great amusement. They had missed a fortnight of 'Tono-baiting', but were making up for it fast. For my part, I was determined to stay out of it as much as possible. I did, however, catch Haruhi giving me a strange look.

"Haruhi." I said, quietly. "I am not pregnant."

"I know!" She said, hastily. "The twins just made that up. It's not like I thought you were already."

She seemed so relieved, I couldn't help but add:

"At least, not as far as I know."

It was spiteful of me, I know. To this day, I couldn't really tell you why I said that to her. She just so obviously liked Tamaki and was refusing to admit it even to herself. If it wasn't for me, I knew, a few years from now she would be marrying him herself. In another life- a life that was not mine. In the real world, my brother's world. I knew all this. And yet, somehow, I still resented her. I was trying so hard to believe I loved Tamaki, and she was trying so hard to believe she didn't. Yet, she still seemed relieved that I had not yet given Tamaki a family. So I said that horrible thing to spite her, and remind her that I was his wife.

This I hadn't really gotten used to yet. I kept missing my name when registers were called because it had been moved to accommodate my new last name. Some people, including the girls who had tried to make peace with me as the wedding, had taken to addressing me as 'Suoh-chan', as much as a sign of acceptance as anything else. It was still strange waking up in someone else's house everyday, though I wasn't home sick. We had gone back to visit my parents on the Sunday between our return from the honeymoon and restarting at school, and I was grateful that I no longer had to live in that cold house, if nothing else. I didn't have to think too much about being Tamaki's lawful wife, though. Really, as we sat together- or I went to my study- and worked at catching up on the school work we'd missed, it was just like every other time we had studied together. When we ate together, it was much like all the days we had dined together before. When we sat and watched films some evenings, or as I sat and read, as he played his piano in another room, it was much like it had been when we were dating. The only difference was that I slept in his bed. Some nights we would cuddle. Most nights, however, when the light was turned off, I could almost forget he was there.

And so, our time passed that way. School, club, home. On the weekends, we would go out, and on a Sunday, go to visit our parents- We would stop in with his father first, and then mine. I know which I preferred. Tamaki's father was so much like him, and he doted on me. I think he was delighted to have a 'daughter', in some way. Certainly, it seemed I could do no wrong. Sometimes I wondered if he was doing the same as Tamaki, and had determined that he would not show me that I was not really loved. I played my part, too, of being loved and being in love. We all did. And we tried so hard, that everyday, I could believe in the illusion a little bit more. So, months passed that way. Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai graduated and left the school. Tamaki was sad for a little while, but the club continued. Life continued. Third years, in the main, were snowed under with school work and University applications. The latter didn't apply to me, obviously, but I tried not to think about it. Tamaki eventually decided it wasn't for him either- probably because it would necessitate getting a new flat or house for during the term time, as I couldn't stay on campus. It wasn't like he couldn't afford it, but I think he was getting tired of letting his family support both of us.

"I'll go straight into work." He told me. "It's time I looked after you myself."

"Can you do that?" I asked.

"Yes." Tamaki assured me. "Father's happy for me to begin my work in the company now. He says I can learn as I go, so..."

"Oh." I said. "But... University is an experience, Tamaki, you should think carefully before deciding you don't want to go."

"I have. " He said, firmly. "I don't want to go."

I wasn't aware of what his grandmother had told him. That they had paid for me to live in this house, they weren't paying for his university too.

I didn't wonder very much at his decision, I'll admit. I had too much else to think about. Not in the least the increased work load of our final year and the day to day running of the club, or even how sad Tamaki seemed on days when things were awkward with Haruhi. They went in cycles, getting ever closer, then remembering and pulling back, whereupon he would lavish attention on me and she would move closer to the twins. It wasn't even the day to day running of the club, or the household, because there really wasn't much to do there. I was trying not to dwell on my dreams of my phantom or that once we graduated I would be nothing more than a housewife. What bothered me more were the whispers. At school, a rumour seemed to do the rounds every couple of weeks that I was pregnant. You would have thought, as we were married, that would have all been fine and above board, so that was gossip I didn't mind. The worse was the gossip that was right. That I couldn't be pregnant, because Tamaki and I were so estranged from one another that we didn't even sleep in the same room.

This wasn't quite right, of course, but still, it bothered me. We never talked about it, and I certainly didn't know how to bring the subject up. Tamaki hadn't tried anything since we had been on our honeymoon, and I had thought then that he had seemed relieved. Yet I was starting to worry if I had been right or not. It was expected of me as his wife to be intimate with him, yet I couldn't. I felt dread setting in just thinking about it. And he, ever the gentleman, put it down to my bad near-miss experience and never pushed me. I knew that it was more than that. I didn't want to sleep with Tamaki, quite simply. I feared it and dreaded it. But was it fair to him? Was he was relieved as me not to have that pressure, or was he just waiting for me...?

Every night, I dreamt of my phantom, and he shouted at me for the shadow of my life. Marrying Tamaki, I realised, had not been my reason. I was beginning to wonder if I even had one.

One Sunday afternoon, I was at my parents house alone. Tamaki had been all for coming with me, but he had a fever, and so, like the good and dutiful wife I was, I had sent him back to bed and marched into hell alone. My father had been clearly waiting for this opportunity. It was almost time for me to leave when he handed me a leaflet.

"What is it?" I asked, to which he replied I should read it before I asked. I did. "What?!"

"Don't shriek, Kotoko." He said.

"Fertility treatments?" I spluttered. "W-why are you-"

"I don't want to know the details." My father waved his hand. "But there are ways to find out which one of you is the problem, and ways to deal with it. You should think about it."

"But... why?"

"Kotoko." He sighed. "You're young, and yet, you've been married over sixth months now, and you're still not expecting. People are starting to talk."

"We are young, and that's why." I lied, primly. "Tamaki wants to finish school before he has a family."

"Very commendable, I'm sure." My father sniffed. "But he would do well to remember it's you who will carry it and care for it. Unless you get a nursemaid, of course."

"I don't see what the rush is." I replied, determined not to concede. "We married very young, so we wanted to finish high school first."

"You singular or plural?" He sighed back at me. "Tamaki-kun may indulge your every whim, Kotoko, but it's about time you appreciated your purpose."

"My... purpose?"

"Yes, in life and in your marriage." He sniffed in reply. "You weren't put on the earth to be as your brothers are. You're not destined for great things in academics or business. Your lot is simple. Your marriage to Tamaki was to cement an alliance. Now you are there for the express design of bearing him children."

I couldn't reply. I was thinking of my phantom and my brother. Recently, as I had watched my brother and listened to his poisonous words, I had begun to wonder if my reason to be was something grander, if I was meant to stand up to him as Kyouya would have done. Yet it seemed not.

Perhaps, I thought, the dreams would go away when I did as I was supposed to and gave Tamaki a child. Wasn't that why my mother had argued I had been saved when my brother hadn't? My heart thudded uncomfortably when I realised what I would have to go through to achieve such a goal. Yet no-one had ever told me it would be easy, and I was never one to back down from a challenge.

It was on my mind all day. To give Tamaki a child, and make the dreams go away. Have a child, and achieve my purpose. Maybe our child was to change the world. For us to have a child, and be a family. Be happy, be fulfilled, in having a child. That evening, Tamaki was feeling better by dinner time and came out to eat with me. Still, he decided on an early night just in case, and retired at about nine thirty. For half an hour, I wavered, and then, I remembered I was by blood an Ootori, and that determination ran in my veins. At ten o'clock, I followed him, got ready for bed as usual, and climbed in next to him. My luck was in- Tamaki was still awake, and, as he often did, pulled me closer to him.

"Goodnight, Kotoko, my love." He whispered in my ear.

I said nothing for a moment. Could he feel my heart pounding with nerves? I don't know how much time passed before I finally said, quietly:

"Tamaki?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"....I'm ready now."

I felt his skin grow hot as he realised what I meant and blushed. Unlike me, he blushed vividly and easily.

We did our best that night. It wasn't as bad as I'd feared.

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A/N: Ahahaha, they finally did it. It only took them what, a few months? That's because they didn't want to! So why did they? Ahh, silly people. Still, maybe this will be the reason Kotoko needs? You'll have to wait and see. :P Next time, she finds out a story quite similar to her own, which may come from an unexpected place… Disclaimers stand as always.

On a note of random trivia, while I'm posting this I'm listening to The Goon Show. :D No, I really can't think of anything else to say here. Thanks for reading!