Eleven- Muck

I get used to the muck as I go along

The amount of congratulations we received, you'd think we'd solved world hunger, not conceived a child. My parents, at least, finally seemed satisfied. Tamaki's father was overjoyed and depressed by turns at the idea of being a grandfather. Personally, I wasn't sure what to make of it. After all, I wasn't a mother yet. I was just getting gradually fatter.

Actually, I hadn't really wanted to advertise the fact that I was pregnant. I had tried to argue with Tamaki that if it was made generally known, the Host Club would suffer. I had pointed out that many of his fangirls still chose to believe he had not wanted the marriage and had agreed only for the good of his family. However, it was unlikely he would have been able to conceive a child in the same way. When I pointed this out to him he got a little embarrassed and agreed I was right. He did, however, tell the other hosts.

Silence reigned in the room for a moment. I shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny. Finally, the twins broke out into a smile.

"Haha, are you sure about this, Kotoko-senpai?" Kaoru asked me.

"Yeah, I don't think the world needs any of Tono's genetics wandering around." Hikaru teased, to Tamaki's immediate offence. He launched into a detailed rant about his genetics were just as good, if not better, than anyone else's, and eventually the twins had to take it back to stay the flow.

"Calm down, Tono, we're teasing you." Hikaru laughed. "Well, congratulations."

"Yeah." Kaoru agreed. "We'll get you lots of cute baby clothes!"

"And maternity clothes for you, Kotoko-senpai. You love pink, right?"

"No." I said, flatly, and they laughed again. Haruhi had said nothing, but when she saw me looking at her, forced a smile.

"Ah, congratulations!" She said. "Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"

"Boy." I answered, at the same time as Tamaki cried "Girl!". We looked at each other.

"Oh, you... want a boy?" Tamaki asked, sounding somewhat disappointed.

"You want a girl?"

"I don't really mind!" He back-pedalled furiously. "But... little girls are so cute..."

"But if it's a girl..." I began, and stopped myself. I had been going to say she would end up living the same sort of life as I had. Yet, it wasn't Tamaki's fault, and really, I had it better than most. It would upset him, if I finished that sentence.

"Well, how about this?" Tamaki said cheerily, when I trailed off. "We won't find out! Then you can hope for a boy and I can hope for a girl and it'll be all square! Not that I really mind which it is..."

And that was we agreed, for whatever reason.

Behind us, as we talked, I heard another whisper from Kaoru. "What are you going to do?" He asked Hikaru. I put it from my mind.

Of course, time passed, and I was well aware we could not hide my pregnancy forever- for obvious reasons. Within a very short space of time, or so it seemed, my stomach was straining against my school dress. Besides, Tamaki made it very obvious as he fussed over me even more than usual. When I was at the uniform store getting a new dress with room to grow in it, someone finally asked me, rather awkwardly. We had agreed that we would not deny it. So I told her, yes, I was pregnant, and soon everyone who hadn't already guessed, knew.

I needn't have worried about Tamaki's hardcore fangirls becoming disillusioned. They instead chose to believe that my child was another man's, and Tamaki was- ever the gentleman- covering for me so I wouldn't be discredited. Tamaki fervently denied these rumours. I think they upset him a little, too, and he did his best to find out how it had started. He never did find out who it was, because it was started by the one person beyond suspicion- me. All it had taken was my 'accidentally' dropping a leaflet for a DNA testing process, and their imaginations filled in the gap. I didn't even have to fake a note telling my lover he would never see his child.

I still can't tell you why I did it. I suppose I was acting for the benefit of the club. Yet, if I had let it go unchecked, let everyone know the child was Tamaki's, and that we weren't completely estranged, he might have eventually had to leave the club. And then he wouldn't see Haruhi any more. Spreading the rumour surely made everything worse for me. I don't know why I did. Perhaps to make myself feel better. Perhaps it was to test Tamaki, without allowing him an excuse to escape temptation; or a test for myself, to see if people were willing to believe such a thing of me.

I didn't feel better. Tamaki was a perfectly faithful husband, of course, and never spoke to Haruhi for more than a few moments at a time and never alone. People were perfectly willing to believe it of me. And besides, I don't know why I did it.

Towards the end of my twentieth week, Tamaki had another shock.

"...I won't allow it!" He declared, when he regained movement. "You can't!"

"Why not?" Hikaru glared.

"Haruhi... Haruhi is your sister!! How could you?"

"Have you not seen his act?" I asked, offhandedly.

"She isn't my sister." Hikaru said at the same time. "Why shouldn't I date her?!"

"Well, because she's... she's... you're too young!" Tamaki tried.

"What?!" Hikaru snapped. "You're only a year older than us, Mr father-to-be! I mean, Tono, you were married at our age!"

"That was different!" Tamaki bristled. "Kotoko and I had already been together a long time and we were very much in love-"

"So you started dating even younger?!" Hikaru raged. "Fourteen, was it? So what's your basis for saying we're too young?!"

The argument raged on. No-one noticed as I gave a gasp, a mixture of surprise and pain. "Tamaki." I tried.

"There's a difference between mental age and physical age! Kotoko knew I would never ever take advantage of her, whereas-"

"Oh, so now you're calling me a pervert?!"

"I've seen the outfits you want to put her in! You-!"

"Tamaki." I said again, a little louder. Still, I was ignored.

"Senpai!" Haruhi suddenly snapped. "It's nothing to do with you, so stay out of it!"

"But... Haruhi, I... you can't want to date him!"

"Tamaki!" I snapped myself, grabbed his hand, and pressed it to what had become known as 'the bump'.

He looked confused for a second, and then- he broke into a smile, looking from the bump to my face and back again.

"Is that...?"

"Yes."

Our baby had started kicking. The tension in the room fizzled out as everyone was distracted by the 'miracle of life'. The twins wanted to come and feel for themselves, of course. I was, of course, watching Haruhi, and wondering. It seemed they had been on several dates already, before Tamaki had caught wind of it. I wondered why she had agreed. Perhaps she had never dared realise her feelings for Tamaki. Perhaps she didn't have any. I hoped not.

Tamaki, on the other hand, I knew had not realised his feelings. Wasn't it obvious, as he yelled at Hikaru, that he was jealous? How could he not know? I doubt it had ever even crossed his mind that he could love someone else. I wondered what he made of his feelings inside his mind. What did he put them down to? Did he really think it was just because he thought they were too young, or because of what it might do to the club? I couldn't guess what was going through his mind.

As for Hikaru, it was painfully obvious to me. He had liked Haruhi for the longest time, after all. He must have known, somehow, of the hidden feelings between Tamaki and Haruhi, even as neither of them gave those feelings any liberty of movement, did not acknowledge them. He had been standing aside all this time, I thought. Even when Tamaki had married me, he had waited still, just in case. But now... now, I was to give Tamaki a child. And we all knew that, when there was a child involved, Tamaki would never consider leaving me, no matter what. It was the final straw. Tamaki and Haruhi, even if their feelings were realised, and grew, would never be together now. But they never would be realised. They would never allow themselves to consider it.

Something about it all made me want to cry. I was getting more and more emotional nowadays. I wondered what had happened to my Ootori mask. My phantom had robbed it from me. Either that or it was pregnancy hormones. I pushed the feelings aside.

Surely this was best for everyone? Tamaki and I could be happy if I no longer had Haruhi to worry about, and when we were a real family. Haruhi would make Hikaru happy, and I was certain he could do the same for her. We would all be happy. This was a happy ending.

Tamaki was distracted all day. When we were in the car on the way home, I took his hand. He looked away from the window in surprise as the contact snapped him out of his brooding.

"Tamaki." I said. "Don't worry about Haruhi. Hikaru really likes her. He'll take good care of 'your daughter', I'm sure."

"No, I..." He began to protest, but then trialled off.

"You should worry about your real daughter." I added, looking pointedly at the bump.

"I thought you were hoping for a boy." Tamaki smiled.

"What I hope makes no difference, I don't get to decide."

Time passed. We didn't see Hikaru and Haruhi act very couple-y. True, they were together more, and sometimes we caught the smiles that passed between them and wondered how people failed to notice, but they were never very affectionate so as to not alarm the fangirls. The relationship was kept more or less secret. Then again, when it was Haruhi, I wondered how affectionate she ever got even in private. Like Tamaki and I, I was sure Hikaru would have to be the one to kiss her or hold her or take her hand first. Still, I wished them every happiness and all the luck I could offer. Hikaru's family was not as strict as mine. If he fell in love with a commoner, I'm sure his parents would be delighted; particularly his mother. She would finally have a girl to dress up.

As for the bump, it grew and grew, as pregnant stomachs tend to. Eventually, I was unable to wear the uniform at all, but got special permission to wear my own clothes. The twins had made good their threat of maternity clothes, but thankfully, no pink ones. I dreaded to think what they would give to our baby when it was born. Their mother was onside for that too, now, so it seemed our child would have more than enough; especially taking Tamaki into the equation.

The moment I was out of the first term, the panicking had begun. There were only six months left, and to him, that equated to nothing at all. He had set about getting one of the spare rooms converted into a nursery and was constantly buying baby toys and so on. This was going to be the most spoilt child around and it hadn't even been born yet. He also fussed endlessly over me, as I got bigger. I was on a strict diet, although he decided to eat it too in support. I really didn't mind either way, although it was entertaining when I got the strangest cravings.

"Tomatoes." I said, one day, when he asked if I'd like a snack.

"Tomatoes?" He'd repeated, bewildered. "But you don't like tomatoes."

"No, but right now, I want one." I answered, and because you did not argue with a pregnant woman, that was what I had. On it's own. Tamaki had one too, though I don't think he really wanted to.

"Tamaki, you don't have to eat it because I am." I said, irritably.

"But I want to!" He said, taking another bite to show willing. "There's so much I can't help you with, darling, so I want to do what I can!"

"You eating tomatoes doesn't help, it's just annoying." I told him, but he insisted. This continued in such a way that, not long after, I told him with perfect seriousness that I had a craving for radishes in curry sauce and custard. He believed me, of course, and after blinking a few times was all ready to go and eat some. I grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Tamaki, I was joking." I sighed. "...You're really devoted to this, aren't you?"

"I'm devoted to both of you." He said, crouching down so he was at my level, and kissed me. When he broke away, he added: "I read a study that said we should read stories to our baby even before it's born, so-!"

"Tamaki." I cut him off. "I am not sitting here listening to you reading fairytales."

There is one other occasion during my pregnancy that I remember vividly. It was on Christmas day, as it happened. We had woken up, and started to move, when he suddenly blurted out:

"Kotoko, love, would you come out with me today?"

"Where to?" I asked, curiously. We had spent Christmas Eve with my parents and would be seeing his father on Boxing Day. I didn't know where else there was for us to go.

"Back in France, I... always went to Church with my mother on Christmas day. I've been a few times since coming to Japan, but I didn't make it last year, so..."

"...You want to go to Church?"

"It is the reason we celebrate." He said, quietly. "Oh, well, it was so much more a tradition in France... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"No, I'll go, if you want." I said. "It's not an unreasonable request. If you want to go, let's go."

So we went. I had never been into a Church before in my life. I'm not sure how to explain the experience to people sceptical of religion. I was a sceptic myself, at that time. Still, there was something very peaceful in that place. No, that's not quite right. The place was buzzing with a kind of joy and excitement as these people gathered to celebrate, but there seemed to be a peace underlying it, built into the very walls. These people had problems, I know, and I'm sure they grumbled and suffered like everyone else. But still, there was hope in that place. After the service finished, Tamaki went to get some tea from the little table at the back, and a woman came over to talk to me.

"Hello there," she said, obviously trying to make me feel welcome. "Merry Christmas."

"You too." I answered stiffly, feeling sure I was going to get a lecture on being pregnant at my age, and outside of marriage. Most people didn't think we would be married so young. It had happened before.

"When are you due?" She asked, and I was even more certain it was coming.

"March." I answered. "My husband is very excited."

"Yes, he seems quite an excitable person." She laughed, looking over to where Tamaki was getting chatty with one of the elderly ladies serving tea. "So you just wanted to see what a Christmas service was like?"

"I suppose."

"Will you come again?"
"Probably not." I said, thinking she was far too forward.

"In that case." She smiled. "The mad religious woman will leave you alone. But before that, I just want to say... well, God Bless. Merry Christmas."

"Thank you." I blurted, as she stood. "But I'm really not looking for religion..."

"No-one ever is." She shrugged. "But God is everywhere. He might just sneak up on you. The shepherds and the wise men and the angels didn't find Jesus in a Church. Your reason might be somewhere you don't expect it to be. Still, if you don't want God Bless, I'll say good luck."

With that, the rather odd woman left. Tamaki came back to join me, looking concerned when he saw my expression.

"Who was that?"

"No idea." I said in reply. "...Are you ready to leave?"

"Y-yes..." Tamaki said, and helped me up. I would have run from that place if I hadn't had the ever-larger bump to carry around. I put it from my mind, in a place where it could not be seen. I knew where my reason was, and it was not somewhere unexpected, it was not in a Church nor in a stable. My reason was inside me, waiting to get out. I was sure of it. Then my phantom would go, I would have justified my living when Kyouya had not, and all would be well. I couldn't let her words phase me.

Time passed again, and my pregnancy neared it's end. I was due towards the end of March, and yet, a week and a half before the due date, I was still in school. Tamaki was getting worried. He wanted me to leave school, but our final exams were only a few days away. I desperately wanted to finish High School. If I could only sit the final exams, I could graduate. I tried to explain this to Tamaki.

"Kotoko, sweetheart..." He pleaded, gently. "Please. The doctor says you should have stopped going weeks ago..."

"You told me I could graduate, before we got married." I said, fiercely. "I am going to graduate, regardless of what you say."

"But it's dangerous!" He protested.

"I have to graduate!" I snapped back.

"Even at the cost of our child's safety?!" He demanded.

"I'm going to school, I'm not fighting bears!"

"You might as well be!" Tamaki replied, more furious than I had ever known him. "This is ridiculous, Kotoko! You're due in a few days! This is dangerous! I am asking you to please stop going to school!"

"No!" I shouted back, stubbornly.

"Be reasonable!" He pleaded. "You can't, Kotoko!"

"I'm going to graduate!"

"Why?! You don't need to!"

There was a long silence.

"Is that what you've been thinking, all this time?" I asked, coldly. "It's all been a game to you, hasn't it?! Indulging my little whims so you get to show off our married bliss at school?!"

"That's not it!" He denied. "But it's just stupid now. Stop being so stubborn! You've basically finished High School! You can stop now."

"No, I can't."

"You're not going." Tamaki commanded.

"Is that an order, head-of-the-house?" I spat at him. He looked guiltily at me for a minute, then looked away.

"I tried to reason with you... but if that's what it takes, then yes!" With that, he left the room, slamming the door behind him.

We had never dared have a serious argument before, but the next day, he went to school without me.

Finally, one day, the kicking was worse than usual. It hurt. I was in the bathroom. I had been trying to relax in the bath, but hadn't even got that far- I had been all but unable to move once I got through the door. Eventually, I realised it was time. Two days before the due date.

Tamaki wasn't at home, of course. He was at school, half way through sitting an exam. I staggered into the bedroom, wishing I hadn't been ignoring the labour pains all morning. I had expected my waters to break, I had thought that would be the sign. Of course, some women's never did, and others never noticed, but I had been sure I would. Or did it happen closer to the actual birth? I didn't know. It hurt, now. Finding my phone, I called him.

But, of course, he didn't answer. His phone was turned off, sitting at the bottom of his bag, at the front of an exam hall. Where I should have been, instead of squatting in the bedroom, desperately trying to call him.

The first thing I thought was that I wasn't going to give birth unless he was there to watch all the squidgy unpleasentries that I had to go through. I refused. An Ootori didn't need anyone, but I was a Suoh now, and I needed Tamaki.

He didn't pick up.

"I think," Shima-san said from behind me. She had been keeping an eye on me all day, and now I finally knew why. "It is time we got you to the hospital, Kotoko-san."

"I can't get through to Tamaki." I snapped. "I'm not going without him!"

"I'm afraid this baby is not going to wait." Shima-san answered, hoisting me up and leading me downstairs. "I will phone the school and see if he can be contacted once you are in the hands of the midwives."

"But... I can't."

"Now you're just being silly."

Something of a panic had overtaken me. I had remembered the dream I had been presented with the night before. It hadn't bothered me too much, for once, because I had not seen my brother and my phantom had spoken only a few words. "It's a girl", he'd said, and now it bothered me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring a girl into this world and condemn her to the same life I'd lead. I couldn't. Even if it was a boy, I couldn't do it. I was barely eighteen. I wasn't ready to be a mother! I should never have done this. This could not be my reason. We were too young.

But it was too late, I was taken to the hospital. We should have gone much sooner, hours earlier, because they started to take me down to delivery almost immediately. Tamaki arrived.

It must have been an amusing scene, I daresay. Shima-san had thought of what I, in my panic, had not; and phoned the school's main reception, asking them to please inform one Tamaki Suoh that his first born was on it's way and he should head down to the hospital at his earliest convenience. This message had been passed onto one of the invigilators, who had passed it on to Tamaki, who had bolted from the exam hall without further deliberation. He left all his things behind, and ran.

He reached the hospital just as they were taking me into the delivery room. I could see he was scared. He was thinking what I was thinking, that we were too young, but he was trying to reassure me. People were telling me to push. By now, even my own body was telling me to push. I would not push. I couldn't. The urge to was strong, but my fear was more powerful. I got the overwhelming feeling this was a mistake. Tamaki was holding my hand now, joining the rest in telling me to push. I had to fight hard not too.

"It's not working, something's wrong." One of the staff decided. "We'll have to do an emergency caesarean. You'll have to step back please, sir."

I clung onto Tamaki's hand. He wasn't going anywhere. But the thought of a caesarean section terrified me too. I thought of the poor child starting it's life by being ripped out of me, 'a man not of woman born'.

"Tamaki," I said.

"It's alright, it's alright." He answered, obviously thinking I was seeking reassurance.

"Promise me..." I gasped. "Promise me we won't force this child into a marriage!"

"W-what?" He blinked.

I didn't care at the time that my words probably hurt him, if he realised I was unhappy despite his best efforts. I had to know.

"Promise me!"

"I promise!" He said, hastily. "I promise..."

I pushed. We never mentioned that conversation again.

Some time later, our daughter was born. We called her Daisy May.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: Well, there we are. Daisy arrives, and Haruhi and Hikaru are now going out, le gasp. I wonder if this is the reason this time, haha… I don't own Ouran or Waiting for Godot. Obviously. Or the quote (misquote?) from Macbeth at the end there. Kotoko must have amazing willpower- or really not want this child- to be able to resist pushing, I'm sure.

On a note of random trivia, my favourite part of this chapter to write was Shima's message to the school and Tamaki's exit. XD

So, next time, next time… it's all about babies, I guess. XD