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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter
The end of the summer finally came. Ron had successfully made it through without losing it. While everyone else was preparing for the next great year, Ron kept his head down and said little. It was a week prior to school starting when the letters came.
"Harry, Hermione, you got letters from Hogwarts," his mother said.
"What is it?" Hermione asked a bit nervous. Ron rolled his eyes. He knew what the letter would say. He looked up from his bowl of cereal and watched her open it. His theory was confirmed when her jaw opened slightly and her eyes shimmered with tears. "I'm Head Girl!"
"That's brilliant Hermione," Ginny said. She looked to Harry. "What does yours say?"
Harry didn't look nearly as excited as Hermione. "Um, they made me Head Boy."
"Harry, that's excellent," his mother said.
Harry smiled a bit and peeked at Ron. Ron had to suppress an eye roll. "Harry it's great they made you Head Boy," he said. Harry nodded but didn't look convinced.
Hermione sat next to him at the kitchen table. She smiled and Ron couldn't help but smile back a bit. "I can't believe it," she said.
Ron let his eyes roll at that. "Oh, of course you did. You're the best witch in our year. I'm proud of you."
"Thanks," she said. Before he knew it she threw her arms around him. Ron's body instantly froze. He didn't know what to do. He placed an arm around her shoulder and patted her back. Hermione didn't seem fazed by his stiffness. "I need to write my parents."
Ron watched her leave. He didn't know what he felt. He didn't like to be touched by anyone but Hermione made it feel different. He didn't know what it was but he didn't want to think about it.
After breakfast, Ron went upstairs for his afternoon nap. He didn't sleep very well. The bed held too many recollections and he kept have nightmares. After waking in a cold sweat, he got up and walked back downstairs. Before he made it to the bottom step he heard people talking. He decided to hold back and listen.
"I just don't get it," he heard his mother say.
"Dumbledore wrote me last week. The staff didn't think he could handle it," his father answered.
"What am I supposed to do?" Harry said. "I feel weird about it."
"I don't think he cares Harry. I think being Head Boy is the last thing on his mind," Ginny said.
"I'm just so worried about him. He never talks. He always sleeps and he barely eats," his mother said. Ron caught the hint of panic in her voice.
"Well, he just lost his girlfriend. She was murdered no more than an hour after he saw her last," his father whispered. Ron leaned against the wall and slid down. He bit his lip and held back his tears.
"We just have to take care of him," Harry said.
Ron couldn't take any more. He straightened his composure and walked downstairs. His parents were sitting on the couch. Ginny and Harry sat in front of them on the floor.
His mother smiled, "Dear, you're awake."
"Yeah, I got hot upstairs. I'm going to go outside," Ron said.
His mother's eyes grew. "Um, I don't think-"
"I won't leave the property. I'll be right out front," Ron told. His mother looked to his father. Ron felt his blood boil. "I promise I'm okay. I won't…do anything."
He didn't really give anyone time to protest. He walked across the room and left. The fresh, warm air felt good to his body. He walked to a small bush in the backyard. He sat on the dying grass and peered at the sky. It was black and painted with bright, enormous stars. His eyes watered. Luna loved clear, starry nights. The two of them would often make love under the stars and fall asleep in each others arms. It was her favorite thing to do as well as his. He was about the let his tears fall when he heard footsteps.
Ron quickly wiped his eyes. He looked up and saw Harry. His face was scrunched in an expression of worry. He was always so worried. "Can I sit down with you?"
Ron shrugged and picked up a stick. He began to break it into small pieces. Harry sat next to him. They were quiet. Their relationship had changed drastically after Luna's death. They barely spoke and when they did Harry always looked so guilty and sympathetic. Ron hated it.
"I didn't know this would happen," Harry breathed after a while.
"What?" Ron asked.
"I thought you would be Head Boy," Harry said.
Ron snorted "Why? No one in their right mind would pick me over you. You're the Chosen One. I'm just the faithful sidekick."
Harry turned to him. He was frowning. "Please don't say that. You know that's not what you are."
Ron tried to smile. "Look, I'm not mad. I'm thankful they picked you. You deserve it." He thought back to what he overheard in the living room. "Besides, they probably think I won't be able to handle everything. I'm sort of a loose cannon now."
Harry bit his lip. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.
Ron gave a heavy sigh. "Don't start that. I don't need it from you."
Harry placed a hand on his arm. "Ron, why are you like this? It's me. I'm Harry, your best friend. You can talk to me. Why do you hate me?"
Ron gazed at Harry. His green eyes were big and a bit glossy. He was hurting. Ron was making him hurt and he didn't know what to do to make it stop. "Damn it, don't say things like that. You know I don't hate you. I just…I wish everyone would stop making my situation about themselves." With that Ron got up and ran back to the house. He wiped his stinging tears before entering again.
School had finally arrived. The only other day he dreaded more than this was Luna's funeral. They were at King's Cross. They were going through their usual goodbyes and last minute advice.
"Have a good year. Take care of yourself, okay?" his father said. Ron tried to hug him back only because he had called off work to see him go.
His mother hugged him next. "Please, if you need anything or if you just want to come home, write me. I'll get you right away."
Ron pulled away. She was holding him too tightly and her smell was too sweet and warm. His mother reached up and put her hands on either side of his cheeks. Her brown eyes stared into his blue ones. Ron's heart began to race. He hated her being so close. He didn't want her to see him. "Please, remember that we love you and you're not alone. I love you so much Ronnie. You're my baby boy."
Ron swallowed the lump in his throat. "Mum, I'll be fine."
She finally let him go and the four of them made it on the train. Ron kept his head down the entire time. Ginny and Ron went to their usual compartment while Harry and Hermione went to the head/prefect compartment.
Ron sat down and Ginny sat across from him. Out of anyone, Ron felt the least awkward around her. Luna and Ginny had been very good friends. She was probably the only person who hurt as much as he did when asked about Luna. He looked at her. She was staring out of the window. Her face was vacant. Whenever she was around Harry, she always smiled and laughed. It was only when they were alone that she ever let her feelings go. He knew what was happening to her. Memories were swimming in her mind. They were memories of happier times. Ron was going through the same thing.
"I don't want to be here," she whispered.
"I don't either," Ron breathed.
Ginny turned to him. Her brown eyes were wet. "She should be sitting right there. She should be right next to you."
Ron felt his skin hair prick with goose bumps. He glanced next to him at the empty seat. Luna should have been there. He should have been holding her. He should have been running his hands through her mass of hair while she giggled and kissed his neck. She wasn't though. She was nowhere even close to him. He wanted to run but couldn't. He was trapped on the train with painful memories and heavy noises from the past.
The compartment door opened. Neville Longbottom was on the other side. Ron automatically laid his hand where Luna would have sat.
"Um, is it okay if…I sit in here?" Neville asked.
Ron looked away. "Sure, of course," Ginny said with a fake smile.
Neville nodded and sat near her. He looked from her to Ron. "So, I just wanted to say again how sorry I am about Luna. She was a good friend."
"Thanks," Ginny said.
"Ron," Neville breathed. Ron tore his head from the window and looked at him. Neville's eyes were sympathetic. Ron wanted to hit him. "I'm sorry about Luna."
Ron nodded, "Thank you." For the next thirty minutes, Neville and Ginny made small talk about school. Ron stayed quiet and peered out the window.
Finally, Hermione and Harry came in. Harry sat next to Ginny and kissed her. He automatically gave Ron a look and frowned. Harry always tried to keep his affection for Ginny at a minimum. It wasn't because he had any respect for Ron. He only started after Luna's death. Ron figured he didn't want to remind him of the fact that he couldn't hug and snog all over Luna. Ron wanted to tell him that abruptly stopping everything he entered the room only reminded him of it more.
"Can I sit here," Hermione asked.
Ron looked up at her. He removed his hand and moved over. Hermione grinned a bit and sat down. Ron felt the familiar strangeness again. He didn't want anyone to sit next to him but it was almost as if Hermione was an exception.
"How was patrolling?" he asked.
Hermione rolled her eyes, "Obnoxious. The Slytherns are really going to give me hell this year. You're lucky you didn't get the job. You would hate all the rules."
Ron surprised himself when he chuckled, "Yeah, I bet I would." Hermione smiled at him once more. Ron returned it. Something about the way she smiled gave him a rush of comfort. The entire summer he and Hermione had mostly been together. She never asked how he was doing or about Luna. Actually, they rarely spoke when together. Usually, they would just sit and stare off. Ron liked it. He liked being with Hermione more than anyone else anymore and he didn't know why.
The two of them sat in a comfortable silence. Hermione only spoke when spoken to and Ron didn't say anything. Everyone glanced at him from time to time but said nothing. All Ron wanted to do was go to his room and sleep.
Ron didn't really want to eat. It wasn't like he wasn't hungry. His stomach grumbled in starving aggravation, but he didn't want to sit and feel stares on him. He didn't want to say a thousand times "thank you" when someone said how sorry she or he was. He had no choice, however; he couldn't go another minute without food and Harry wouldn't let him leave anyway.
In the Great Hall, Ron walked next to Hermione to his usual seat. He completely avoided looking at the Ravenclaw table. He deliberately avoided the eyes of Melony Gibs, a friend of Luna's. At the funeral she wanted to talk non stop about her.
Ron sat down next to Hermione and on the other side of Harry. He looked down. Seamus, Lavender, and Dean were all staring at him. "Sorry about Luna," Lavender said. Ron nodded. "She was a lovely girl. Everyone loved her."
"Thank you," Ron mumbled. Heat rose on his neck.
"Before our usual announcements, I would like to say something," Dumbledore began. Ron looked up thinking it was something about not going into the Forbidden Forest or not blowing up the toilets. Instead, the usual house banners turned into plan black banners. Ron's heart skipped a beat.
"As you all well know, a student of ours is not with us tonight. Her name is Luna Lovegood. Over the summer, she was taken away from us. I will not lie to you. Luna Lovegood was murdered," Dumbledore told.
Hushed conversations erupted from the hall. He could feel dozens of eyes on him. It was as if all the air in his lungs was evaporating. For some reason he squeezed Hermione's hand from under the table. She didn't turn to him. She simply placed her other hand over his and nodded slightly.
"Let this be a testament to the dark times ahead. It has already spilled itself into our school. Luna was one of the brightest and caring students this school has ever seen. She was brave, honest, and brought joy to anyone who had the privilege to meet her. Though her death was horrendous and way before her time, her memory will live on as sweet and joyful. She is survived by her family and the friends who loved her dearly," Dumbledore smiled at him a bit, "let's have a moment of silence for Luna Lovegood who always lived and loved life to the fullest."
Ron didn't lower his head and close his eyes. He glanced around. Everyone else had their heads down. Even the Slytherns obeyed. Ron wanted to scream. He wanted to curse everyone. None of them had the right to bow or give a moment of silence. None of them understood. Ron gripped Hermione's hand tighter at his frustration. Hermione held it back just as tightly.
Ron no longer wanted to eat. All appetite went away. After their "moment of silence" and the rest of the announcements, everyone ate and talked as if nothing happened. It only made him feel sicker. "I'm going for some air," Ron whispered to Hermione. She nodded and let his hand go. Ron felt a rush of gratitude for she didn't ask to come with him.
Ron knew he couldn't go too far. He didn't care. He just wanted to get out of the school and away from everyone's sorry and stories about how great Luna was. He stopped at a tree and collapsed to the ground. He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled deeply.
"Couldn't take it either, huh?" someone asked.
Ron almost jumped out of his skin. He turned around and saw Ginny sitting about two feet away from him. Her head was bent and her hair hid her face. She looked up and sniffed. Even in the dark he could tell her eyes were red and swollen from tears.
"I just didn't want to hear the bullshit," Ron spoke truthfully.
Ginny nodded and moved closer to him. She tucked her hair behind her ears. Ron could see her face better. She was pale and her eyes were swollen. Ron's didn't know what to do. Ginny gazed at him. She was searching his eyes. Ron put up his wall. He didn't want her to see him. "I didn't know they were going to do that," Ron said looking away.
"I didn't either. I don't know why now that I think about it," Ginny said wiping her nose. "They always do when someone dies." Ron closed his eyes at her words. "It just makes it feel real now. Hearing Dumbledore and seeing the banners really makes this real. Luna is dead."
"I know that," Ron spat. He turned back to Ginny.
New tears clouded her eyes. "Ron, I'm hurting too. Luna was my best friend. I wanted you to get with her in the first place."
"And what power does that give you? Does that mean you know what I feel now?" Ron asked loudly.
Ginny licked her lips. "No, but it means I care. I'm your sister. I love you Ron. I love you so much and I wish you would help me get through this. I miss her too."
Her words cut Ron open. He didn't know what to say. He and Ginny had always been close. He always comforted her. Now, he didn't want to. He didn't remember how. "I'm not the right person for that," he whispered.
Ginny laughed harshly and hit the ground. "And why is that? Are you above me? Is my pain not good enough for you to care about?!"
Ron stood up and pulled at his hair. "Sod off Ginny! Stop making this about you! I'm so bloody tired of you, Harry, mum, dad, and every other fucker here making my pain about themselves! I know you cared about Luna. I know you loved her, okay? I was there! I know how close you two were! She talked about you all the time. She adored you! I'm sorry I can't hold you tell you everything will be okay. I can't do that. It's a lie! Everything will not be okay!" Ron's voice was shaky. He felt tears in his eyes.
Before Ginny could see them fall, he ran away from her. Though pain and sadness surged through his body, Ron's stomach grumbled once more. He was hungry. He felt guilty for being hungry. With all that was going on, the last thing on his mind should have been food, but he couldn't help it.
He didn't want to go back to the Great Hall. He went the Gryffindor portrait opening instead and waited for someone to come with the password.
Someone was shaking him. Ron opened his eyes surprised that he had fallen asleep. Hermione was standing in front of him with a napkin.
"I brought you something. The hall will be let out in about twenty minutes and I thought you should eat before bed," she explained.
Ron took the napkin. Inside held a chicken leg and a sandwich. Ron ate in silence. Hermione sat next to him and said nothing. The quietness was peaceful. When he was done, he wiped his mouth with the napkin and put it in his pocket.
"Better?" Hermione asked.
Ron nodded, "Yes, thank you so much." Hermione smiled and Ron really examined it. Her smile was beautiful. It wasn't like Luna's. Luna's smile made her eye's ten times their size and it was always a bit dreamy and curious. Hermione's smile was smaller but there was warmness and understanding behind it that Ron craved.
"I'm here Ron. I know I'm Head Girl and I have to do a ton of work this year, but you come first...always. Remember that, anytime you're ready, okay?" Hermione said while touching his hand.
Ron hated being touched but it didn't sting so much when she touched him. "Okay," he breathed. Before he could stop her, Hermione pulled him into a hug. Ron didn't want to hug her back but he did. He took in her scent of cinnamon. He hated how comforted it make him feel. He pulled away.
Hermione smiled once more and stood up. "The password is Rusalki by the way." Ron watched her leave with the familiar feeling again.
By the time Ron was changed for bed, Neville, Dean, and Seamus came in. Whatever conversation they had immediately died when they entered the room saw Ron. Ron said nothing. He finished putting his shirt on and climbed into bed. He looked at Harry's vacant bed. He felt a bit weird going to sleep without him. The two of them had always roomed together in every occasion since he was eleven. He wanted to see him before going to sleep, but decided against it.
Ron could feel them staring at him. He looked up to confirm. Neville looked away and pretended to fold socks. Dean was the first to break the silence. "Sorry, mate, about Luna."
"Thanks," Ron mumbled.
"Yeah," Seamus chimed in, "She was amazing. She really made people laugh."
"Yes…she did," Ron mumbled.
"Dumbledore said beautiful things about her. They were all true. We all really miss her," Neville told.
Ron felt his fingers automatically close into a fist. "Yeah, I bet everyone does." He didn't want to hear anymore. He closed his curtain and put a pillow over his head. He tried very hard to go to sleep but he couldn't. He could hear his roommates whispering about him and Luna.
All Ron wished for was a fire. He wished a fire would set off in his bed and he wished it would burn him along with the tears the scraped down his face.
Ah, what a happy chapter, lol. I really like this. I mean I really do. Once again this is Ron/Hermione. Just give it time. Ron won't be like this forever. I must say it's rather beautiful though…Anyway, please review! Thanks.
CRAZED