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Ron didn't know what to do with himself. Just as he thought things were halfway normal, he had to go and fuck it up. Harry wasn't really talking to him. Their fight really put a strain on their already crumbling friendship and worse was that Hermione seemed very hurt from their last encounter. The only thing that stopped Ron from dropping out was quidditch. Like promised, Harry kept him on the team.
It was a Friday afternoon and Harry had the team out practicing. Ron was stretching his arms to get ready to fly around. Harry came over with his broom over his shoulder and a quaffle in his hand. "We need to work on your catching."
Ron rolled his eyes. "Harry, you don't have to baby me."
Harry didn't smile. "I'm not trying to. You played alright last year but you're a bit clumsy with your saves. You have to be perfect if you want to win the cup this year."
Ron felt himself blush. There was a dry tone to Harry's voice that let him know he wasn't over the punch. He didn't give Ron time to respond. He mounted his broom and went into the air. Ron gave a heavy sigh and followed him.
They met at the goal posts. Harry started about a foot in front of him. He threw the quaffle at him. Ron easily caught it and threw it back. Harry backed up and did it again, only this time harder. They did it again and again and Harry threw it harder and harder. He threw it so hard that it hit Ron in the stomach making him almost fall off his broom.
"Bloody hell Harry, what is your problem?" Ron breathed as he steadied himself again.
Harry shrugged. "I'm trying to prepare you. You think the Slytherns are going to go easy on you? Again, throw it to me."
Ron licked his lips and threw the quaffle back. Harry caught it and flew higher into the air. He came zooming toward him and threw it. Ron caught it with his face. He fell back a bit and hit one of the goal posts.
"Fuck! Okay, I' m sorry. How many times do I have to say it? I'm sorry," Ron yelled as tears of pain watered his eyes.
Harry bit his lip and flew to the ground. Ron flew down as well. Harry got off his broom and sat in the grass. He kept his eyes on the ground. Ron sat next to him and stared. He felt so terrible. Harry was his best friend.
"What did I do wrong?" Harry whispered.
Ron shook his head. "Nothing."
"Why then? Why are you treating me like this? I know you're hurting-"
"Don't," Ron interrupted.
Harry gazed at him. "Don't what? Why are you acting as if I don't understand loss or pain? You think I was just okay when Sirius died? Ron, I know more than anyone what it's like to lose everything to evil. My fucking parents were murdered. My godfather was murdered. I can help you through this."
Ron didn't know what to say. He knew Harry was right. Ron should have easily been able to open up to him and share his pain but he couldn't. Ron didn't feel like he could talk to anyone. Everything was too heavy and too personal. "I'm sorry," he breathed after some time.
Harry shook his head and frowned. "No, that's not good enough. I know you loved her Ron, but I didn't think she would be worth our friendship."
"What are you saying?" Ron whispered as Harry stood up.
Harry ran a hand through his hair and licked his lips. "I'm saying that I'm done with this, Ron. You're right; I'm not going to baby you anymore. I'm here when you're ready to talk but I'm not going to chase after you." He walked off toward the other end of the pitch before Ron could say another word.
After practice, Ron went to his now regular spot by the lake. He pulled at the grass and cursed himself. His world was falling apart. He hoped school would be easier. He was sure the constant distractions would take his mind off of everything, but it was proving to only fuel his thoughts. Ron rubbed his eyes and breathed deeply. He was so tired. He was tired of making everything worse. He needed something. He needed someone. Ron stood up and headed back into the school.
He went to Hermione's room and knocked on the door several times. She didn't answer. Ron quickly glanced at his watch. He assumed that she was probably working or in the library. He leaned against her door and waited.
He felt someone kicking his leg. Ron jumped and looked up. Hermione was standing over him with a frown on her face. "How long have you been here?"
Ron checked his watch. "About two hours I guess."
She didn't seem flattered by it. "So, what do you want?"
Ron stood up. "You." He noticed her face turn slightly pink. His face felt a bit toasty as well. "I mean that I want to talk to you."
Hermione shifted her weight on each foot. "Well, I really don't have anything to say." She moved past him and unlocked her door.
Ron didn't know what was happening. He grabbed her arm and followed her inside. "Wait, please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the way I acted."
Hermione gave him a look and sat on the bed. "I wasn't trying to push anything on you. I was just thanking you and tell you the truth."
"I know. I panicked," Ron tried. He closed the door behind him and slowly walked over to her bed. He reluctantly sat down.
Hermione gave him a look and sighed. "It really hurt Ron. You hurt me so badly sometimes."
Ron peered into her eyes. They were so chocolate and beautiful but so full of pain. He couldn't believe that he was making her feel so awful. "I'm sorry, okay? The last thing I would ever want is to hurt you. I know that I'm making everyone's life hell. I know I'm a shitty person but I honestly don't know what to do with myself."
Ron ran a hand through his hair. He didn't want to speak but he had to. "I panic every time I'm reminded of her. I can't stand being near anyone. I hate feeling but I fucking feel the world every second of the day. Shit is always going through my mind. My parent's and brothers won't stop writing me. Ginny won't stop being disappointed in me. Harry blames himself and…you're hurting. Dammit, I can almost deal with all the other shit but not that. I'm sorry. Please, whatever you want me to do I'll do. I swear to bloody Christ I will. Just don't be mad at me. I hate myself enough. Please, don't hate me too." The words bled out of him. It felt so good to get them out but it was also terrifying.
Tears were coming out of his eyes. He was shaking. Hermione wrapped her arms around his shoulders and Ron buried his head against her neck. She smelled like cinnamon. Just like when she held him at the hospital, and just like at the hospital, Ron felt extremely comfortable in her arms. The only difference this time was that he was not torn between loving it and hating it. He simply needed it.
"Oh, Ron I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I just wish you wouldn't be like this with me. I really don't care if you don't want to talk to anyone else right away…but I do care with me. You're my best friend," Hermione breathed.
Ron pulled away a bit so that he could look at her. Thankfully, she wasn't crying. Her features were soft and she had a genuine smile on her face. Ron was mesmerized. "You're my best friend too and…I do love you." The words effortlessly came out of him but their meaning was not as simple. He felt a bit dizzy.
Hermione wiped his tear-soaked cheeks. "I love you too."
Ron sniffed loudly and engulfed the familiar haze he felt by her words. "I don't know what to do. I want to make things right. I don't even know myself anymore. I punched Harry."
Hermione looked taken aback. "What?"
He felt a blush on his cheeks. "He…was saying some jokes and I took them the wrong way. I lost it and I hit him. He's so mad at me now."
"Well, did you apologize?" Hermione asked.
"Of course, but I know it didn't do any good," Ron breathed.
Hermione sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "He's really worried about you. I've never seen his so worked up before. He was really hurt this past summer when you ignored him."
"I didn't mean to. I mean I did…but...it's rough talking with him. It's never been like this before. After…Luna died…it just got harder and harder to look at him. He…reminds me of her…and I hate it." The truth was bitter on his tongue. Ron felt ashamed.
Hermione put a hand to his cheek. It felt so icy against his burning face. "Ron, I know it's painful, but is it so horrible to be reminded of her?"
Ron thought about the statement. "I…dunno. It just hurts so badly. I miss her. I miss her so fucking much."
He could see something in Hermione's eyes. He couldn't exactly make it out but it wasn't anything cheerful. It was almost pained. "I know you do." The words were quiet and arid. She looked away and played with her hands. "I know how much you miss her. I see it every day. I try so hard to…help but it's useless."
Ron bit his lip. Hermione was no better off than he was. He didn't know what was wrong but he knew it was killing her. She was trapped in something too. "Hermione, it's not useless. You're the only person who helps."
She looked back at him. "I don't believe that."
Ron shook his head. "You have no idea how much you've helped me. I wouldn't have made it this far without you. You're the only person I ever want to be around."
A bit of color rose on her cheeks. "You don't come down here anymore."
"It's…complicated right now," he tried. "Don't think I don't need you. I do."
Hermione chewed on her lip. "I need you too, Ron. You're not the only person who has feelings inside them that they can't control."
Her words were so soft that he could barely hear her. "I'm sorry. Do…you want to talk about it?"
Hermione smiled a bit. "No, it's nothing new. It's not that important right now." Ron nodded. He wanted to say more but he couldn't think of anything. Her face suddenly turned very serious. "Please don't shut me out. I want us to be okay. You may not believe this, but I really like being around you. Ron, you make me feel…so good."
Ron's body felt extremely hot. His palms were sweaty and he shifted his legs uncomfortably. Hermione was staring at him unabashed. He couldn't keep her stare. He looked away. There was a knock on the door. It was like music to his ears.
Without thinking he got up and answered it. Harry was on the other side. They looked at each other. Ron detected a very small smile playing on Harry's lips. Ron rolled his eyes and moved out of the way so he could enter the room.
"Harry, what's up?" Hermione said at once. His smiled grew and Hermione blushed rather terribly. She didn't meet his eyes. Ron was sure there was a secret between them that he was unaware of. He felt both irritated and jealous by it.
"Oh, I just wanted to talk to you about something, but it can wait," Harry said.
"No, I need to go. I have some homework and I really need a shower." Ron ignored both their eyes and quickly left the room.
He ran into the nearest stall in the bathroom and slid down. He exhaled deeply and ran a hand through his hair. So much was going through his mind and his body was scorching. Ron didn't know what was happening to him. He didn't know why things were affecting him so greatly. He banged his head against the stall door and rubbed his eyes. He had to get himself under control. His confession to Hermione helped. It was nice to get some of the pressure off his shoulders, but now there were new complications.
A grin formed on Ron's lips as he thought about what Hermione had said. "Please don't shut me out. I want us to be okay. You may not believe this, but I really like being around you. Ron, you make me feel…so good."
The phrase kept playing in his mind. His body only got hotter and sweatier. He was sure he was blowing things out of proportion, but there was something about the way she whispered it so slowly and the way she had stared at him so intently that made the phrase sound…almost sexual. He bit his lip and closed his eyes. A spike of pressure hit his lower regions.
Someone opened the door and walked into the stall next to him.
Ron quickly got out of his stall and went to the sink. When he saw his reflection, his smile faded. His brain finally realized what was happening and all pleasure abandoned him. He splashed cold water on his face and rubbed his eyes roughly. A look of disgust and guilt had grown on his features instead.
Later in bed, Ron tried not to think about phrase again but it was difficult. Once again, his efforts were ineffective. His body would not cool down and a certain body part would not stay down. He had a simple solution to his rather big problem, but he felt too guilty to release the growing pressure that was making his body ache.
"Oh my god, it's just Hermione," Ron whispered to himself. However, he knew as he closed his eyes and her face once again came into the mind with the phrase that Hermione was becoming less and less of just anything. However, the real horrifying part was that it wasn't the first time he's had to convince himself of it.
Holey…moley. Such confusion, sweet, lol. Review!
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