Thanks for the reviews!
Ron tried to focus on his Transfiguration exam. He kept twisting his quill in between his fingers. He glanced next to him. Hermione was quickly writing her answers. He smiled a bit. She knew so much about so many things. He wished she knew how to fix him. Ron had been himself for almost eighteen years, and he still didn't have a clue about anything.
The bell rang and Ron was never more thankful. He turned in his paper to McGonagall and waited for Harry and Hermione by the door.
"That was rough," Harry breathed as they left her room and walked down the corridor.
"Oh, it wasn't that bad," Hermione said with a smiled.
Ron rolled his eyes. "Hermione, when will you learn that not all of us have a perfect memory of everything we read?" Hermione sighed and shook her head. Since their last encounter, the two of them had been a bit distant however; when they did socialize and were together it was pleasant. He hated to admit it, but he felt less pressure being around he all the time, but a part of him still really wanted her constant presence. Ron felt even more alone than he already did, but he couldn't go back on his word now. He couldn't admit that he missed her so much.
"Well, I'm glad it's the weekend. I'm more than ready to have fun," Harry said as they walked to the Gryffindor Common Room. Ron took his normal seat on the rug and Harry and Hermione sat on the couch.
"I don't know what you mean by fun Harry. The dance is this weekend," Hermione breathed while rubbing her eyes.
"Exactly, it will be brilliant. We all need some fun," Harry said prodding her.
Ron chuckled, "I'd never thought you'd be excited for a dance Harry."
"Well, I'm not so excited about the dancing part but it will be good for Ginny. She's been so down and I think this will really cheer her up." As soon as the last word left his lips, Harry instantly closed his mouth. He shook his head and looked down.
Ron gave him a look. "I agree, she needs some fun," he whispered. Harry looked back to him and nodded. There was silence.
"Well, I'm not going. I've had to help plan it and I'm already sick of it. I just want to have a calm and relaxing evening reading," Hermione said breaking the silence.
Harry gawked at her. "How are you not going? You're Head Girl."
"Exactly, I shouldn't have to go. Besides, it's not like I want to. What would I do at a Halloween dance?" she asked.
"I dunno, maybe dance?" Ron offered.
She rolled her eyes. "Are you going?"
"No," Ron said flatly. Ever since he heard about the dance he knew he wasn't going. There was no way he could watch everyone dance with each other and not be able to dance with Luna. It didn't help that Halloween had always been her favorite holiday.
"Oh, come on. You need to get out too," Harry said.
"Who's coming out?" Ginny asked walking into the Common Room.
"Not Ron apparently or Hermione. They're not going to the dance," Harry breathed with a smile.
Ginny sat next to Ron on the floor. "What? You two aren't going?"
"No, I really don't want to. I've seen enough of it. I have reading to catch up on," Hermione said.
Ron looked from Hermione to Ginny. "I just don't want to go."
Ginny sighed and shook her head. "Are you going to hide forever?"
"I'm not hiding Ginny. I just don't see the point in going. What would I do?" Ron asked already feeling angry.
"I don't know. You could dance. Talk to your friends, maybe. You could socialize beyond the three people in this room," Ginny offered.
Ron glared at Ginny. "Well, sorry if dancing around and making small talk doesn't interest me."
"Oh, stop this! Ron, I'm so sick of you moping around like this," Ginny breathed.
Ron exhaled deeply, "Ginny, will you just shut up? I am so bloody tired of you being so god damn high strong. I'm sorry if I'm not strong like you. Sorry if I can't heal as fast as you!"
"Maybe we should talk about something else," Hermione breathed.
"You think I'm healed Ron? You like I just forgot everything? News flash, I haven't. I hurt too! But I'm getting better and you want to know why?" Ginny asked. Ron continued to glare at her. "Because I'm trying. I'm going on with my life. What gives you the right to keep all your pain and memories to yourself! Luna would be so ashamed of you." Tears were clogged in her eyes now.
Ron left his heart break and his skin heat up. He was torn. He didn't give into his sadness. He let his anger build. He stood up. "You are the world's most selfish person. How fucking dare you talk to me about Luna and what she would feel? I don't give a fuck about some stupid dance and you want to know why? Unlike you Ginny, I don't have the love of my life to dance and have a good time with. I won't be shagging my love afterward like I'm sure you plan to do with yours. Harry is right here. He's right fucking here! Luna is bloody buried in the ground. She's in a fucking casket and she's not coming out! I don't give a shit if she's ashamed. It doesn't mean anything because she's not here to tell me that herself. Can you bring her here to tell me I'm letting her down? Can you Ginny!"
Ginny shook her head as more tears fell. "No, Ron. I can't."
"Then you have no right to talk to me or tell me what and how I should be. You can fucking go to bloody hell for all I care." With that, Ron left the common room.
He walked straight out of Hogwarts and to his favorite spot by the lake. The cool breeze felt wonderful to him. Ginny made him so angry. So much had changed between them. He couldn't stay outside too long. The wind was picking up and it was much too cold. He ran into Neville on his way past the Great Hall.
"Oh, sorry Neville," Ron breathed.
"It's okay Ron, really," he answered.
Ron nodded awkwardly. Neville had always been one of his better friends. Though they didn't have much in common Ron definitely felt connected to him. "So, um, I guess you're going to the dance?"
Neville chuckled, "Seamus and Dean won't let me back in the room if I don't go. They said they want to fix me up with Hannah."
Ron chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Well, good luck with that."
Neville smiled, "Yeah, I guess it doesn't hurt to get out there. I wish you would come but I totally understand."
"Thanks, not a lot of people seem to," Ron breathed.
Neville gave him a look. "You know…I fancied her for a while, Luna."
Ron's eyes grew. "Really?"
Neville turned faintly pink. "Yeah, she was a bit out there and I always felt that she just understood me. She was really good at making a person feel right at home."
Ron's chest felt tight. "Yeah, she really did. It's one of the reasons I loved her so much. I…didn't have to try with her." Ron felt lightheaded. It was the first time since her death that Ron had openly talked about her. It was even more daunting that it was with Neville.
Neville smiled and nodded. "Yeah, she was great. Anyway, I got over it when I saw how mad she was about you. No one ever stood a chance against you Ron."
Ron felt tears in his eyes. "Thank you Neville," he whispered.
Neville gave his shoulder a squeeze and walked off. Ron stood in place for several moments. He could hear the sounds of music and laughter in the Great Hall. A part of him did want to be there, but he just couldn't bring himself to go. He went back to the Common Room figuring he'd be better off playing himself in chess. However, when Ron got into the room, he saw Hermione sitting on the couch with many books next to her. She was in her pajamas and sipped on what Ron thought was hot tea.
"I guess you were serious about not going," Ron said walking closer to her.
Hermione chuckled and turned to him. "I'm a woman of my word." Ron smiled and nodded. They were quite for a while.
"Well, um, I didn't mean to disturb you," Ron mumbled.
"Oh, you're fine. You can sit if you want to," she said beginning to remove books.
"No, that's okay. I think I'll just go up to my room," Ron said. Hermione sighed and gave him a look. Ron didn't like her expression. "Well, I was just going to play chess is all."
"With who?" Hermione asked.
"Myself," he began. Hermione snorted and quickly covered her mouth. "Don't even start it. The only person I know who can beat me is Bill."
"I'll play you," she said with a smile.
It was Ron's turn to snort. "No offense, but you're not much of a challenge. For someone so smart you're pretty terrible at chess."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Well, for someone with such as short attention span you're really good at chess." Ron was about to retort but she cut in, "Just get the board Ronald."
Ron brought his old, beat up chess set to the table. Hermione moved from the couch and sat on the floor. They played in silence. Ron took Hermione's pieces with ease though she did put up a fight.
"So, how do you think Harry and Ginny are?" she asked while tapping on one of her knights with her pointer finger.
"Oh, Ginny is probably telling everyone what a bloody prick I am as usual," Ron breathed.
"She doesn't do that, Ron," Hermione said.
Ron picked up his pawn but then set it back down. He looked at Hermione. The light from the fire gave her skin a glow. Her large brown eyes were so bright from the blaze and her hair looked like a veil of chocolate. He was amazed. Ron had never realized before how beautiful she was.
He quickly turned away. "Hermione did you not hear what she said to me? Do you not hear what she always has to say? It's like she hates me and what's funny is that I don't really care," he said not really believing it.
Hermione slowly bit her bottom lip. Ron watched in great detail. "You don't mean that."
"It's like we're two different people now. So much has changed between since…Luna was murdered. It's like from that night in the hospital on, we've grown further and further away from each other." Ron stared at the chess pieces as if they would offer him salvation.
"Luna was important to both of you. She was a bridge and now that it's gone…it's harder," Hermione explained.
Ron shook his head. "I just don't know how things got so complicated."
"You should talk to her," Hermione breathed.
"I know but it's not just with her. Everyone seems to be moving ahead so fast and I can't pick my feet up. It's like I'm on a different frequency. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? I don't even understand what I'm saying." He looked back to her.
Hermione was gazing at him so longingly. Concern was painted across her kind, gentle face. She moved over so she was closer to him. Ron could smell her. It was so warm and sweet. She sighed, "Ron, I think it's time you've let go a bit. You need to let yourself face the fact that Luna is gone."
The words were so heavy. Ron had to stare into her eyes to keep breathing. He feared that if he lost her gaze, he would choke. "I…don't know how."
Hermione's brown eyes lightly glossed with tears. "I think part of the reason everything is so complicated and intense to you is because you don't want to live in what's happening now."
Ron's bottom lip trembled. "Hermione, some days…it's like I don't want to live at all." He had to turn away. He felt foolish and ashamed of himself.
Hermione touched his face. It burned against his skin. "I see that sometimes from you and it scares me so much."
She was whispering and her voice was shaking. Ron turned back to her. Tears had fallen down her cheeks. Ron took the hand was on his cheek and held it. "I don't mean to scare you. I just figure…if I don't think about it, it's less real."
"But it is real Ron. You have to let it in and then let it go." Hermione tried her best to smile.
"It's not that simple," Ron said.
"It's not supposed to be simple. It's just supposed to be," she said.
"I just feel so lost sometimes. It's like I don't have anyone who understands my side," Ron whispered. Hermione wiped her eyes and looked down to the floor. She seemed so frustrated.
"What's wrong?" he asked. Hermione simply shook her head. "How come you never tell me what's going on with you?" Ron asked.
"What do you mean?" Hermione breathed.
"You keep telling me to reach out but you aren't doing much of that either," he told.
Hermione chuckled, "It's not that important right now."
"And why is that?" Ron asked.
Hermione looked back at him. "Because it just wouldn't do any good Ron. You really need to think about what's going on now…and open your eyes a bit. I know you must think the world is pushing against you but you still have some weight on your side." Her voice cracked. She quickly shook her head and got up. "I'm sorry; I'm just going to go to bed." Hermione wiped her eyes again and walked upstairs. Ron looked after her. He exhaled deeply and rubbed his eyes. Once again Hermione left him confused.
Ron stayed in the Common Room. He went back to the chess board but couldn't really focus. Slowly, Gryffindors stumbled into the hall and up the stairs. Mostly all seemed tired and satisfied. Harry and Ginny walked in rather late. They stopped when they saw Ron staring at them.
"Well, I'll see you later then," Harry said kissing her. "Night Ron." Ron nodded to him. Ginny watched Harry walk up the stairs. He knew she didn't want to look at him.
"Do you feel like talking?" Ron asked.
"It depends on what you have to say," she breathed.
Ron tried with all his might not to roll his eyes. "Gin, get over here."
She sighed and walked over to him. She sat on the couch. She took off her cloak and shoes. Ron got up from the floor and sat next to her. "I think you should apologize and I'll do the same."
Ginny blinked several times. "What do I have to be sorry for?"
"Gin, you've been a complete bitch to me," Ron said.
She gawked at him. "You have some nerve. You think-"
"Yes, I do, but if I'm so wrong, tell we what I've done," Ron interrupted.
Ginny shook her head. "Well, for starters you ignored all of us…especially me all summer. Then we come here and you're rude and selfish. All you want to do is hide out."
"What do you expect from me? Have you forgotten what happened?" Ron asked.
Ginny shook her head. "No, I haven't but I think you've forgotten everything else."
"I'm sorry okay? It's just….this has been the hardest time in my life," Ron said.
"Mine too-"
"No it's different. When Luna died…we both lost her. You lost your best friend. I lost my girlfriend, but you see Ginny, that's where it changes. You...you still have friends," Ron said.
"There are not the same. None of them are Luna," Ginny choked.
Ron nodded, "I know, but you still have them. You have people you can talk to and share things with. It's not the same…but it's something. I lost my girlfriend and I don't have another one. I don't have someone to be with. Someone I can say I love you to…someone I can hold and kiss. I don't have another person to have me. I lost her." His heart beat had never been faster. He felt so sweaty and his head and eyes hurt.
Ginny gave a heavy breath and rubbed her eyes. "Oh, Ron, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…I just...get so angry. I was so alone and you weren't there. I just hate this. I think that if I try my hardest to seem over everything…then the memories wouldn't sting so badly, but…it's not working. Then I really get mad at you because we don't talk. You didn't even look at me during her funeral. I went searching for you but you weren't there." Ginny ran her hands through her extremely long and red hair. It followed back gracefully.
"Damn Gin, why do you have to be so much like her?" Ron asked. He didn't actually mean to say it but it sort of just came out of him.
Ginny stared at him. Her brown eyes were wide. "I don't know…I hate it sometimes. I hate myself sometimes."
"Me too," Ron choked. "I'm sorry I let her die. I'm so sorry I didn't make her stay longer."
Ginny let her tears fall. Her shoulders began to shake and she put her face in her hands. Ron wrapped his arms around her. Ginny hugged him back and cried. For the first time since Luna died they held each other. Ron let his wall down and finally let her in a bit.
"Gods Ron it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. You remind me of her too and I just can't stand how you can be so distant." Ginny's voice was dry.
"I just don't want to deal with this but I have to start," Ron said pulling away.
Ginny wiped her eyes. "I know I hate it."
"I don't see how you're so okay," Ron said,
Ginny chuckled, "I'm not okay Ron. I'm not okay at all, but what can I do?"
"Well, you have Harry to really help you," Ron offered.
"You have Harry as well," Ginny corrected.
"Not in the same way you do," Ron breathed.
"Well, you have Hermione and that's true rather you want to see it or not," Ginny said getting up. "I love you Ron. Remember that I do."
"I love you too Ginny," Ron said. Ginny smiled and walked to the stair case. "Ginny."
"Yes," Ginny said turning around.
Ron smiled, "Did you know that Neville fancied Luna?"
Ginny laughed a bit. "Yeah, she knew too, but she was focused on you, poor Neville." Ron laughed and clapped his hands. "She would have enjoyed the dance."
"Yeah, I would have too," Ron breathed. Ginny gave him a smiled before heading up the stairs.
Ron turned back to the fire. So much was spinning in his head. He thought about the last dance he went to with Luna. It didn't hurt to think about it so much. In fact, he smiled.
Yea! Now Ron can finally get on board! Lol, there's only so much constant sorrow right? Lol, well, review please and find out!
CRAZED