Chapter 28: All or Nothing
I sat alone on the back porch watching the sun pull itself over the horizon. The smell of pine covered in fresh dew lapped lightly at my senses. The morning was particularly still and I was glad for the moments of uninterrupted peace. I let my hands rest on the squirming beings inside of me. I was growing accustom, if not fond of the swimming feeling. They rolled and pushed in various directions, contorting the surface of my belly with their movements. I felt myself smiling down at them. It was a quiet span of time before the thoughts and fears of what may come gave birth to more of the unknown futures. My mind swirled with David's words and mixed ominously with the coming of my children. I looked up to see dawn breaking as the sun lifted over the mountains for one slice of a second before the clouds claimed their rightful place over its face. I sighed, the beauty of the landscape was breathtaking but the impending thoughts of doom were unavoidable. I closed my eyes, engaging the rest of my senses, holding perfectly still with the exception of the flutter of the twins.
Reds of a velvety texture began to engulf my thoughts. The faint shimmer of gold played within the maroon folds. A pleasant feeling washed over me and then a quick snap. The images in my brain moved in fast forward as if I was falling from a great height through an endless stream of memories. I hit the ground with a jolt and as my mind focused, I saw the unmistakable profile of Aro. He was laughing, a chilling, evil noise that echoed off of the stony walls. I turned my attention to the source of his amusement. The incandescent skin, the piercing blue eyes and the waves of whitish blond hair all lacked their previous luster. Marius's skin was drawn tight around the jutting bones of his face. He was seated in a dark and what looked to be a torturous chair. He was securely bound at the wrists, elbows, shoulders, chest, hips, thighs, knees and ankles by what appeared to be a fortified steel. His face lay limp and nearly lifeless. His head hung from his neck with tangles of matted, bloodstained hair clinging to his skin.
"I will grant you your wish, old one, for you must feed before we make the first transformation," the cold voice slithered from the corner of the dank chamber. Marius made no response. "We shall provide you with the evil-doer, but only one, we wouldn't want too much of your strength to return, now would we?" The taunting smirk stole any grace that his face may have previously owned.
The scraping of stone sounded throughout the chamber and the tiny figure of Jane entered through the stone archway with a tall man in a handsome suit, drenched in cheap cologne in tow. The man's eyes were bulging with fear or possibly something else as they scanned the room. He nervously clamped his jaw and was grinding his teeth together. Jane pushed him ahead of her. "I suppose I will have to feed the beast," she sneered. She snatched the man by the back of the neck which seemed so unnatural for her short figure to be able to do and drug him to Marius's feet. She threw him roughly to his knees. The man's eyes filled with wild struggle as he tried to break her grasp. "Filthy, murderous, drug-peddling human-- I just watched him finish off his partner and run off with the money from their last deal. I hope he's good enough for you," Jane managed through her clenched jaw. Her hatred seethed and raged beneath the confinements of her flesh. She lifted the struggling mortal and offered his throat to Marius' limp figure. His head raised ever so slightly and his eyes shifted to meet the man's. He scanned for a moments time and then savagely tore the throat from the murderous villain drinking deep and fast. It only took a matter of seconds before the thrashing stopped and the mans body fell lifelessly to the cold floor with an echoing thud.
"I will need more," Marius said wickedly, "If you hope to succeed in you transformations, Aro." Marius' voice was thick and cold. His skin took on very little animation from the blood of the corpse now lying on the floor in a twisted heap.
"Ah, I think not, my friend. That shall do for the first one," Aro said wheeling a wild look of superiority. "Jane, come, that's enough." The two strode out of the room leaving Marius alone in the dark, his eyes reflecting the little light generated by the moon above.
The vision faded and I came back to life with a start, gasping for air as though I had been held underwater. I blinked my eyes furiously, unable to gain enough consciousness to move. The sky held gray above me, forbidding the sun to break through.
Alice was at my side in the exact second that I truly came to, "Did you see him? Did you?" she shook my arm a little too furiously.
"Yes, yes," I managed to push the dense words from my throat. "We were right, they are trying to mix the blood! We don't have much time," her pixie voice danced around the yard in a sputtering fashion. "Oh I wish David were awake," she whispered anxiously. "Are you okay? I'll go get Carlisle." And just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone. I was still sitting in the same position, flashes of the emerald eyes turning to ashes filled my head. I didn't move, Alice's charge was enough for the both of us. I stared out into the forest trying to block the image of the doe and her fawn from my mind. I closed my eyes.
The sensation was quick, too quick for instant pain. I heard the tearing of flesh before I felt it and I could smell the blood, my blood. I gasped for air, but nothing was coming, I heard a chilling laugh and felt my body switching back and forth, in shock, between too hot and too cold. I tried to scream, but little projected from my mouth. I opened my eyes to see long dark waves surrounding a wicked face curled into a malicious smile, "Silly girl, what will you do without your precious David to save you now?" She threw her head back into a hideous bought of laughter. I could feel the blood draining into a pool on the ground around me. I choked as it blocked my airway, gurgling in my throat. The pain seethed all through my body and centralized at my throat where she had torn away the flesh. The burning sensation crippled my body. I felt imprisoned by her thoughts. She was inching her way into my mind. I could feel her ugly presence. I tried to scream, but again nothing came out. The tears began to stream from the far corners of my eyes, the blood joining the river that ran from my throat. All of the fear, all of the pain did not compare to the unbearable twisting of agony from the babies inside me suffocating from the lack of my blood. I could feel the tiny creatures thrashing and killing me from the inside out as they fought for more of diminished blood supply. I squeezed my eyes shut, preparing for my death. I was fighting furiously to send as much of the life giving substance into the beating hearts of my tiny children. Just as David had described, I felt the warm embrace of death nuzzling my cheek. I began to release my hold on this world. My heart slowed, I was dying, no longer immortal.
The swirling black and lingering blues engulfed what was left of my consciousness. I could not think or feel, I only knew that I existed, in some strange right. It was not my body, nor my mind, but the small glimmer that we know as self. I was not Reneseme or anyone else. There was no attachment to the world I had once known-- only a drifting and lingering sense of nameless self. Nothing mattered, there was no time. All there was was nothing.
*****
A string, a long red cord appeared in my nothingness and a word, one single word, live. The rope was pulling at the nothingness and the word was louder and more defined. I followed the cord toward the light ahead. There was a soft red glow, encased in the vast blackness. I clung to it with all I had, the cord, the word. A boom of blinding light shook the peacefulness that I knew to be my death. It all came flooding back, my name, my body, my being, my life and with one excruciating realization, the pain. A hot tingling and burning sensation tortured the flesh that I again recognized as mine. My reclaimed bones ached and sharp pains stabbed into all of my organs. I couldn't breath or think or exist in this pain. My body jolted in shock and I longed for the nothing, longed for a release from the horrifying terror of existence. The harsh grip of reality shook me, I regained sensation in my limbs and in my core, something was missing. There was no tiny fluttering, no squirming roll inside of me. My body was void of the lives that it had previously encased. There was only emptiness which was so much worse than nothingness.
I struggled to regain consciousness, all I could think of was my babies. The pain ran fluidly through me, burning and stinging and tearing at me from the inside out, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was my children. I fought for them, fought to know that they had survived somehow. More awareness gradually came through the flames that lapped viciously over my body. I felt my hand being warmed by an immeasurable source of heat and pressure that I could only know to be Jake. I clung to the sensation trying to fight off the pain and focus only on his touch. I pulled all of my awareness into the comfort of his hand. It was all I could do to fight off the insanity that the pain brought. I craved the cool blackness, but the memory of the peacefulness was being swallowed by my current state. I was unable to remember exactly how the sensation felt. I was crying in agony and unable to stand my existence.
A voice chimed through, "Nessie, Nessie," I wanted to answer, I wanted to be near the voice, to hear it over and over again, anything to escape my fate. "Nessie, come on angel, take some more." I was aware of my lips closing and the only source of relief I had known flowing into my mouth. The relief was temporary and fleeting, but it was all I could do to hold on. The hot substance gushed into my throat and I could briefly feel it pumping through the rest of my body. Soon a fullness entailed and I could take no more. I felt my head fall back against something soft. Another jolt of awareness layered onto the experience. I could fell my flesh, more than a burning or stingingly cold sensation. I could actual feel again, there was something at last beyond the pain. I felt Jake's hand warmly holding mine like millions of tiny crystals pressing against my skin. The matter around me was billowy soft and supple made up of microfiber material that held me like a mesh netting. My skin writhed beneath its touch and soothing sensation. I regained control of my movement and though it was still indescribably painful, I could adjust my body and move my limbs slightly.
I focused on the unfolding and regaining of my consciousness and the sensations around me. My brain hastened to my eyes, I must be able to see by now. I told the muscles surrounding my eyes to come back into my control. I fluttered my pupils beneath the closed lids and fought to focus on the dark, to know that my eyes were closed and that it was not merely the nothingness. Slowly, I opened my eyes, taking in the light around me and gasping in wonder as the world unfolded around me as if for the first time. At first, the vision was so magnified, I could see the air swirling gracefully through the space just in front of my face. The image broadened and I blinking in wonderment at the vibrancy of the color pallet that lay before me. It was as if I had previously seen in black and white. The vivid bouquet of sheer color slowly formed into shapes that I somewhat recognized. Things were the same, but utterly different. The flowers next to me on the table held the light of the moon and looked as they did in the paintings of the ancient greats. Each pedal folded exquisitely differently than the one next to it. The light seemed to playfully jump from blossom to blossom, never staying in one place for very long. I turned my head slowly to the other side. The room seemed to spin as I did, my vision was unmistakably clear now, but there were so many more details, so many things I had never taken the care to notice. I was again aware of the heat generated by the hand that was held in mine, "Jake," I whispered. My voice was the same, but I could hear every ounce of inflection in the single syllable. My ears were taking in so much more in this single word. It was overwhelming. And then, my focus turned the one seated beside me, breathing deeply, his head hanging to his chest. The layers of skin delicately mapped over one another. His jet black hair seemed to be made of water, it flowed so freely from his scalp. His features were undeniably perfect. The symmetry gracing his face was exact. I could do nothing but stare at his loveliness, his perfection. The love that I felt in this tiny moment would be something that I could never forget. It was as if my emotions were palpable, like I could withdraw them from my being and fondle them in my hands. My love encased over him in a shimmering light. He seemed to literally glow with my adoration.
He startled to life, as if he were previously a statue. His movements were flowing and precise. The grace of his eyes opening was heaven sent. I stared at him, perfectly still. He jumped quickly when he realized my eyes were open. I could do nothing but observe his reaction in full detail, "Nessie," his voice broke like water over a damn flowing out into the tangible air, "You're awake." He had jumped to his feet and pulled in close to me. His smell was wonderful. I remembered thinking this before but I was definitely wrong, nothing could compare to this enticement. It was a muddled mixture of heat, luscious sweat and the sweetness and wildness of the outdoors, rugged and beautiful all at once. I breathed in his perfume, and closed my eyes savoring its flavor. I opened my eyes and gazed upon his face again. I could see the blood pumping swiftly beneath his skin, enclosed in the veins. The beat of his heart was visible in the delicate arc of his throat. I took a rapid breath, gasping at my need for the blood inside of him. I fought to look away and break my urge to take what I wanted so badly. But he came closer. "Nessie," his hand fell through my hair. "I thought I'd lost you, babe," A smile pulled over his pouted lips, so kind, so charming and warm. It was the kind of smile that you just wanted to fall into. His face fell suddenly though, a sorrow gripped him. "I'm sorry, I should have been there sooner."
I shook my head, trying to remember any moment in time before this one, "You're here now," I said with a quiet smile.
"Yes, and so are you. Do you remember what happened?" his eyes shifted mechanically around the room, avoiding mine. His scent shifted in his nervousness. I could feel the anger and distress pulsing into the air around him.
"I died," I said sadly, the voice now did not sound like my own. I repeated it, "I died, but someone told me to come back, I can't remember, but I did, I did come back."
He could only nod and watched in horror as he saw the realization bloom upon my face. I heard myself scream, "NO!!!"