Sorry for the delay, but for some reason, the fanfiction site is giving me an error or a glitch or something when I try to login. Hope it was worth the wait. It's been very frustrating to be unable to post.

Chapter 30: Blessings and Burdens

The wood floor beneath my gliding feet seemed to swirl and change as I moved across it. The intensity of color and the details of each groove of the wood came to life under my gaze. Jacob drifted just a step ahead of me and I could feel his weight in the air, I could hear the quick thud of his heart and smell his blood flowing through his body. I closed my eyes inhaling the essence of him. I felt a craving, an intense need for life-giving substance that was more real than I had ever known. Thirst was not enough of a description of the feeling. He was so powerfully enticing. There was no burning sensation in my throat, no growl of a stomach-- it felt as death had felt when I wanted it so badly. The monster inside of me was spinning wonderful tales of comfort and love and satisfaction beyond my wildest dreams if I should just partake in the feast before me. This delectable pleasure was only one step ahead of my grasp, one fleeting second away-- I would only need to act, to initiate and the monster promised to do the rest, to give me all I had ever wanted. I felt myself ready to surrender, ready take hold of my glittering prize, but before I gave the word, before I gave in, Jacob glanced back at me, his face was radiating with newly apparent shades of gold gleaming from his skin. His previously jet black eyes seemed to have shifted into a long narrow hallway that lead directly to his soul. I could see him, I could see his love for me through the tunnel. His teeth flashed a pristine white, light attached delicately to his smile. I froze, unable to move for a mere fraction of a second, not enough for him to take notice, but surely long enough for me to hear the monster inside of me roar in objection at my sudden change of heart. The demon begged and fought my love for him, beckoning with empty promises. I continued walking, slightly stunned at the shear ferocity exhibited by the demon that I had become.

Jacob curled his strong hand around the door knob before him. The door swung open before us. The bright lights of the room flooded my vision, my new instincts caused me to flinch at the abundance of light. A new born fear had arisen within me. It was quickly quieted as my mother's arms flew around me. Her touch was so alien, so different. The arms that I had known to be hard and cold with immeasurable strength suddenly felt like the arms of a small child, delicate and frail. I didn't hug back, frozen in fear that I may do her harm. She pulled back from me and I saw easily into her eyes. The captured the light, swallowing it in pools of amber. Her thoughts unfolded quickly, the block that my father had experienced with my mother was no match for my budding strength. The pages of her mind seemed to ruffle easily in the wake of my penetrating gaze. I saw her sorrow and guilt rippling live waves over water. The horror seemed to strike her through my eyes. In her thoughts I saw a reflection of my face, as if I was seeing with her vision. The statue before her stood perfectly still, the skin held fast like marble, and the eyes were like crystals shimmering from a chandelier. And then, as if revealing in the her horror, I curled my lips into an evil smile allowing my tiny fangs to be exposed. She froze, unable to react physically, but it did not matter, I saw right to the core of her thoughts. More than her fear, more than her guilt or horror, she was immensely protective. She wanted me to be okay, she wanted me to understand, to forgive her. No, to forgive my father.

My eyes left her, standing before me, still, perfectly still. He was behind her, awaiting his trial. My father's bronze hair seemed almost copper as it threw off various colors in the unnatural light. His angel face was only more captivating from behind my new eyes. I blinked slowly and allowed myself to see into his thoughts. His mind was vastly different from my mother's. The emotions did not flow easily. He seemed more like sand rather than the fluid watery flow of my mother's brain. Each thought was a tiny grain of sand laying haphazardly on an endless beach-- a tiny jewel encasing his memories and emotions. But, like my mother, I could still understand him effortlessly. I sifted through the sand, extracting the source of his shame. I saw the scene following my death and the extraction of my children. I heard his urgent voice demanding that David save me, that he steal the last piece of my human form and trade it for the cross I would have to bear for all eternity. Knowing that he could hear my thoughts as easily as I could hear his, I let my emotions of fear an unknowing seep into his brain, but followed with the deliberately formed words, I understand. I would have done the same thing. Thank you for my life and for the lives of my children. I can hear you too now Daddy, I love you and I understand. I felt the hot prickle of a tear slicing delicately into my cheek. I brushed the bloody droplet from my face and ran into his arms.

I fell into his embrace and let his fragile form cradle me felling rather like a slab of slate draped with a soft velvet robe. "It's going to be okay, Darling. I'm sorry, I couldn't let you go, I just couldn't," My father whispered as he held me close to his chest.

"I know Daddy, I understand." Saying it aloud seemed more concrete than merely thinking it. In saying it to him, I was saying it to myself. I was allowing this new burden to become my own. I was releasing him from blame andgiving myself over to what I had become. "Can I see them?" I said, pulling away from his grasp.

"Of coarse," he turned, taking me by the hand and pulling me over to the hard plastic machinery that was keeping my children alive. I took the steps behind my dad slowly and apprehensively, not knowing what to expect. At long last I peered into the clear encasing. I immediately began to sob. My two tiny children were entwined with little snake-like cords. The blankets in the incubators seemed to offer little comfort. Their bodies were pinkish gray and their limbs were overly long balling up into little fists and feet. Tiny hats, still too big for their heads seemed to magnify the fact that they were so hopelessly small. There was no stopping it now, my face was dripping with my bloody tears and my chest rose and fell recklessly.

I could hear the faint glimmer of thoughts, somewhere in the distance, Give her space. They all stood back, graciously allowing me my grief. I could do nothing but stare into the horrible cage containing my babies. Both of their chests fluttered with the beating of their hearts and the difficulty of underdeveloped lungs. I could see their miniature bodies fighting to survive, defying the death warrants that had nearly been delivered. In their helpless and meager state, I found it to be the single-most heart wrenching example of strength.

I took a deep breath, holding on this image. Their ability to triumph against all odds was strangely comforting. Rather than seeing tiny, weak creatures near death, I was astounded to see beings so fresh to life, so new to its discomfort and hardship. Innocence and perseverance oozed from the hard plastic of the incubator. My heart began to swell with immeasurable pride. My back straightened up as though my physical form were mustering all of the emotional strength it could bear. I felt my dad's hand pat lightly on my shoulder, "That's my girl," he said reassuringly with a smile. "They're going to make it," the certainty in his voice was not betrayed by his thoughts. He truly believed that the miracles before us would continue to thrive, "They have already gained half a pound each since the delivery." His confidence was warming and true.

I smiled at him through my still bloody veil of tears. No words were necessary, nor enough for the gratitude I felt at this moment for the character of my father. I leaned my head against his shoulder, absorbing his soundness of mind.

Jake broke the silence, "So what are we gunna name them?" his voice chirped excitedly. "One boy, one girl, its good cuz we would have never agreed on one name. Now we each get to pick one." I smiled at this, one boy and one girl. My fear began to melt like snowflakes falling to their death on hot flesh-- each pattern of anxiety and uncertainty fading into harmless pools of water.

"I don't know Jake, which one do you want to name?" I said, light-hearted joy radiated jubilantly in my voice.

"Come on, Ness, don't play dumb with me," his eyes rolled dramatically, "we all know that you know exactly what I'm thinking... Like its not enough having one of you mind reading pain in the asses in the family," he shot a pointed look at my dad, who could only smile haughtily.

"Daddy, can we hold them?" I said apprehensively.

"Their lungs are not ready for the air yet Nessie, you can reach inside though," he said with a look of sadness at my obvious disappointment.

"Say the name Jake, I want to hear it," I said as I approached the incubator.

"Alright then," he said moving close to me, "I want to name her Tala, after my mother, it was her middle name and its also the word for wolf in Quileute... Tala Bella Black." It sounded lovely in his thick, velvety voice. I turned to see my mother beaming at Jake.

"Ah, Jake, you didn't have to," my mother began.

"Bells, of coarse I would want her to have a piece of you." Jake said quietly with only a touch of sorrow gleaming in his eye. I stared at him, observing his plight. For the first time, in this new vampiric form, I really understood how Jake felt about my mother. Being able to see into his thoughts and feel much of what he was emoting was incredibly helpful. His mind raced through many fond memories of my mother and also a fiercely protective rage that had been pent up in seeing her destroyed by my father abandoning her. Jacob loved her, he accepted his place as her friend, but he truly adored her. She was a ghost of his past-- another life that could have been. It was a strange feeling that stirred within him. He did not regret any of the things that happened because they lead him to me, but he expressed an immense amount of gratitude toward my mother. In loving her, he had grown close enough to protect her and hold her when she needed it. He ensured her survival and his reward was reaped not through winning her over and stealing her from my father as he had once sought to do, his reward was me. He loved her with all of his heart and she gave him the only thing that she had left to give. And he was truly grateful. I was the result of Jake's unanswered prayer and he would not have it any other way. I smiled at him as he came closer to me, I could feel the heat radiating from him. It was as if I were laying on a beach, letting the hot sun warm my flesh and shine happily upon my face.

I pulled myself from the distraction of his emotions, "It's a beautiful name Jake," I said looking down at the tiny baby with the pink hat. "Tala Bella," I repeated in a low whisper, christening our daughter. I carefully inserted my hand into the incubator and felt the soft flesh of her arm. She wiggled a bit in response to my touch. I could hear her miniature heart fluttering and the blood pumping through her veins-- so intricate and beautiful. I gasped, looking up at my father, "They're human!" I cried.

"Carlise and I think so," he said with a heartfelt smile.

"Oh, Jake!" I flung my arms around his neck, a little too fast and a little too hard. We toppled back to the ground with a loud thud, I heard my mom snickering behind us.

"Easy Ness," Jake said, pulling himself from the floor, "I don't think you know your own strength."

In my previous form, my cheeks would have flushed violently with embarrassment, but now, my milky white marble skin held its complexion, but my eyes fell briefly to the floor, "Sorry, I'll work on it." But Jake pulled me in close and sealed my lips with a hot kiss, a delicious kiss.

"Don't be sorry, I love how strong you are," he murmured suggestively.

"Hey, that's enough," my father growled from the corner.

Jake shot him a nasty look and stepped away from me, with a wicked smile. "So, your turn, babe, what do you want to name the boy?"

I peered back through the plastic at our son, our human son. He lay curled up next to his sister. His breath was rapid and I could see his tiny fists squeezing closed around the corner of the blanket. The blood flushed into his hand as he strained. His skin was blotchy and off color, but all I could see was the miracle that we had produced and even in this vulnerable state, I kept thinking of the strength that these children had to possess to able to endure through this horrible ordeal. Jake had picked such a perfect name, I wanted something equally right for our son. I puzzled, slinging hundreds of names through my thoughts. I reached into the incubator and ran my fingertips delicately over my son's fragile skin. It was warm to the touch and so alive. The thought of him being human twisted in my mind.

"Masen," I said slowly, letting it role off my tongue. I saw my dad's eyes light up, it was his surname when he was human, it seemed only right seeing that he was the one who saved them, and me for that matter. "Yes, I think Masen," I smiled bowing my head to my father, "What do you think daddy?"

"It sounds perfect, angel," he beamed back at me.

"Jake what was name of chief that made the treaty with Carlisle?" I said, racking my brain for the name.

"Ephraim," he answered instantly, "Oh Ness, my dad would be so happy..."

"It's settled then, Masen Ephraim Black."

"Tala and Masen," my mothered repeated back thoughtfully.

We all sat in silence for a moment staring at the twins. Tears began to flood my eyes yet again. I leaned in close to Jacob and whispered, "I love you."

He squeezed back, but I only felt a minor glimpse of the pressure he exerted, "Love ya too." He planted another kiss on my forehead.

"Where's everybody else," I said, suddenly realizing that the house was empty outside of the room that we inhabited.

"They all went hunting," my mother answered, the monster inside of me stirred at the very word. I shook the urge quickly from my mind, not allowing myself to breath in Jacob's scent. "Well, except for David..." she trailed off, her eyes refusing to meet mine.

"That's strange, I don't sense him." I pricked up my preternatural hearing, but there was nothing but silence, no stirring of movement or presence of thought. What's wrong," I said tentatively, "He's okay right?"

"Yeah, Ness, he's okay," my father jumped in, "He's just... well, maybe you should talk to him and see for yourself. I'm sure that you will find that you have much to discuss."

I leaned over the incubators, stealing one more glance of my children. "Jake, you'll stay with them won't you?"

"One big bad wolf, at your service," he said with a smile.

"We'll be here too, Ness. Just let us know if you need anything. David's in the den," my mother said reassuringly.

I nodded and drifted silently out of the room, flowing down the stairs like water spilling over the edge of a cliff. I heard the crackle of the fire and felt its heat emanating from the quiet little room. I approached the area slowly, not wanting to intrude, but David sat very still staring into the flames from the recliner.

"Ah, Nessie, you look well," he said politely. His eyes grazed over me, inspecting my new form. "How are you feeling?"

"Um, okay, I guess," I said, "How are you?"

He sighed deeply in response, "Won't you please join me?" he said, gesturing to the couch. I sat down across from him, feeling his eyes weighing heavily on me. I stared back at him, noticing the little things like his ornate cuff lings that paired perfectly with his handsome tie and the shine of his freshly polished shoes. I searched his eyes, trying to extract his thoughts, but nothing came. "Strange isn't it?" he said.

"What?" I asked, unable to break the wall between us.

"We are cut off from one another now," he said quietly. "You will never be able to hear my thoughts or sense my presence, nor I yours. It is the work of the Dark Blood. We cannot hear our Makers, nor the ones that we create. It's a strange phenomenon of our species. I was very disappointed when I found this to be true. I wanted so badly to be able to have that link with the one who made me. But he is forever silent in my mind." His eyes fell into what seemed to be remembrance.

"Thank you for saving me," I said, staring into his beautiful eyes.

He smiled in return, but only half-heartedly, "Don't be thanking me yet, young one. I cannot commend myself for bringing you into the Blood. It is something that I myself dreaded and I had sworn allegiance to myself that I would never create another." His face drooped in sorrow. I felt an ache of pain lurch in my heart, the tears began to prickle and sting my eyes. I could not stop my bottom lip from quivering. "Oh no, child, do not think that I regret my decision, just try to understand that I fear your hatred for my actions-- for damning you to this life, or whatever you want to call it, existence may be a better word."

I couldn't move, I couldn't think. I searched his face, but none of the answers came. I could feel a horrible surge of confusion gripping me. I had not expected this response, "I, I..." I stammered, trying to find the words and fight the tears, "I thought that you would be happy." I said, unable to disguise the fear and resentment in my voice.

"Happy? Oh no, I would have been happy had I never had to make the choice, had I never had to seal your fate. That is what would have made me happy. I do not wish this upon anyone and perhaps it would have been more wise for me not to interfere..."

"How can you say that!?" I nearly roared at him.

He shrank back from me, his face melting with shame, "Nessie, I don't mean that I wish that you have died, I just hope that you don't come to hate yourself or me for what I have done to you." His eyes lingered on mine, tossing the light around the room with their gleam. I was silent, unable to keep my anger boiling for him. I only sought his guidance, his reassurance and he was not delivering.

"David, I... I don't know what to say," I fell back into the softness of the couch beneath me trying to focus on its texture and the way it felt against my bare arms. I stared into the leaping flames of the fire, mesmerized by their dance. The hot air bursting from the fireplace was a little comforting. I closed my eyes, willing the scene out of my mind, trying to think of something, anything else.

He moved silently over to the couch and sat beside me, I did not move. I felt his fingers tracing gently down my cheek. I opened my eyes and locked into his gaze. His features were more robust, full of energy and power. My eyes lingered on the tempered flesh of his lips and then fell to his exposed throat. The contrast of his bronze skin against his crisp white collar held my attention. His flesh carried and incandescent light that was so similar yet so different from my family's.

"You must be hungry," his voice purred.I drew in a sharp breath, letting the thing inside me gain strength, tantalizing my mind again with the promise of deep satisfaction in the blood. "I'm afraid that this is the end of your vegetarian days, my dear."

I cocked my head slowly to one side, feeling my eyebrows tie themselves in a knot. "What do you mean?" I said slowly, but I knew what he meant, I knew exactly what he meant. My eyes widened in fright, "But, but," I stammered like a child, "but, my family," I gasped.

"Yes, I'm afraid that it is not possible for our kind to survive purely on the blood of animals, our thirst is much greater than the other species, our blood needs more substance than the animal kingdom can provide." He watched as the revelation crept over my face. The sheer horror stunned me, I had never taken human life. I had never thought that I would ever have to.

"Now," he said quaintly, "There is the issue that you are to some extent half-blooded, you have lost your human side, but you still maintain a piece of your former vampiric side. I do not know what this will mean for you, and how it will effect your need for the blood, but at this point, I can only assume that you will need human blood to sustain, especially in the first few years. Your thirst has been reasonably tame since the completion of your transformation only because my blood is mingled with that of the true ancients and because I gave you more than you really needed. But you will have to hunt soon, and I don't dare risk your hunger becoming strong and restless-- especially with the company that you keep. I cannot allow you to risk going after Jacob, or God forbid, your children due to lack of proper precaution."

I sat still, trying to take it all in, trying to accept that horrifying truth. I would have to feed on humans. I would have to go against everything that I had ever known. What would Carlisle think? How could I look him in the eye? "There has to be another way," I said dramatically.

"There may be," David said patiently, "but we will not be able to discover if there is before your thirst takes hold. You must hunt tonight before bedding down for the day, I cannot allow you to chance it. If you do not feed tonight, you will most likely awaken on a rampage and I fear for what that may result in."

"Bedding down for the day," I repeated blankly, the tears rolling back into my eyes. "I will never see the sun again," I said mostly to myself. I began to weep, "My children will never know their mother in the light of day. All of the things that I will miss, all of the time. And they're human," I fell into heavy weeping. David's strong arms swept around me, by bloody cheeks pressed into his white dress shirt, staining it an ugly rusty red. He said nothing, but gently rocked me back and forth, lulling me in my despair.

"David," I said, "you'll show me what to do, right?" I pulled back from him, dragging my tangled hair from my blood soaked face.

His expression was pained, but kind, "Oh yes, my child, I will give you all of the knowledge that you want. It is the least I can do for bringing you such pain."

I gasped and sobbed against his chest again forcing myself to accept my fate and to bring the burden back upon myself and off of David's shoulders as I had done with my father. I had to live, I had to exist for my children, and for Jake and my family and now, for David. I had no other choice. I fought to become brave and ready to face the terrible truth of what I had become and what it meant in its full magnitude. The hatred for my attacker crept easily into my heart. She had stolen everything from me. The fear and anxiety tore at my innards, slicing evil cuts and twisting me into painful knots. I pushed the tears back and worked to compose myself.

I stood up and wiped my face clean of my tears, "I'm ready."