Chapter 31: Fallen Angel

David's face was kind and accepting of my inner turmoil. "Nessie, you are very brave and unbelievably strong. I will take you to the city and I will teach you the art of finding the evil-doer and how to succeed at the little drink."I could feel my face becoming even more white with the thought. I gulped and stared wide-eyed at David. "It will take some practice, but I am more than confident in your abilities. But first, I want you to face the worst of you fears and tell your family where you are going. It will be better in the long run if they understand what we are doing and why we are doing it. You need to be swift in your explanation because we have precious little time before the rising of the sun. Alice and I have already arranged for you to have your own coffin, next to my new one in the cellar. We have already disposed of the one that held that horrible women," he said with shutter.

I hesitated with fear at his suggestions. How could I possibly explain to my family that I was heading off on a mission with David to slay humans? They would never understand or accept me, I was a monster and always would be in their eyes. The shame radiated from my core. I began to tremble at the thought of the murders that I was bound to commit. I couldn't help but consume my conscience with the number of humans that would die at my hand throughout my existence. Horrifying thoughts of dead bodies filled my mind, their blank eyes staring hauntingly into my soul.

"Nessie, are you okay?" David's voice drifted into my thoughts from afar.

"Yes," I said trying unsuccessfully to steady my voice.

His head tilted gently to the side, "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you my dear, but unfortunately it is necessary and there is no way around it, you have to tell them." His bright brown eyes twinkled in the flicker of the fire before us. I knew that he was right, but there was no disguising my shame. I hated the thought of Jake's beautiful eyes laying upon me in utter disgust. I wanted to run, to leap into the forest and never have to face the demons of what I had become, but, as David had said, there was no way around it. The only way through this mess was the most direct path, involving the most conflict. I was just thankful that the others had not returned from their hunt yet. Mercifully, I would only have to deliver the blow to my parents and Jake. It would be difficult, but at least it wouldn't be all of them at the same time. I didn't even want to imagine the disappointment that would surface in Carlisle's face.

Daivd rose agilely to his feet, straightening his chocolate brown suit. "I will wait for you outside, unless you would like me to accompany you?"

"No," I said regretfully, "I think this is something that I better do on my own."

"My sentiments exactly, good luck," his eyes flashed vibrantly and he bowed his head slightly in my direction. I absorbed his flawless appearance as if it were the last time that I would see him, carefully noting his devastatingly beautiful features and his kind expression.

I smiled sadly at him, "I'll meet you out there."

I tried to summon any strength that lay within me, but alas, little came to my aid. I sighed and headed heavy footed up the long staircase, barely bothering to notice the details around me. I had sank into tunnel vision of my weighted future, not wanting to face the inevitable.

I opened the door to what would become the nursery slowly, the light fell upon my parents who sat staring over the incubator observing the twins. Jake was seated in the corner, just on the border of drifting off to sleep. "Hey," I said in an obvious state of despair.

Jake startled and groggily sat up in his chair, "Oh hey, Ness, how'd it go?" His mouth formed into an obnoxiously huge yawn.

"Well," I said trying to avoid eye contact with any of them, "Well, David and I have to go hunting now."

I chanced a quick look in my father's direction. I knew that he knew exactly what I was saying with my understated sentence. He visibly gulped, trying to avoid wearing his heart on this sleeve. I sighed, he wasn't used to the fact that I could read his thoughts now too.

"Cool," Jake said sleepily, "You'll back soon then?"

"She will be back before dawn, Jake," my mother said returning my heavy sigh. At least half of the battle was over. The shame was coming off of me like a smoldering fire. My mother's gaze was a little comforting, I could see her sorting out my new state of being in her mind. She was at least trying to accept it, it was a start.

"Jake," I said, still riddled with guilt, "I don't think you get it."
"Huh? Get what?" he looked so sleepy and so innocent. I could hardly believe that what I was going to have to tell him. How could I destroy him like this? His entire species had been formed to protect humans from vampires... Vampires like me.

My eyes glistened with stinging tears and my lip quivered giving me a shadowy look of my formerly human side, "Jake," I fell to my knees at his feet, gripping his hands tightly fighting back the sobs that were getting caught in my throat.

"What is it babe? What's wrong?" he suddenly sprang into alertness at the seeing my plight.

I shook my head, wishing that I wouldn't have to say it, that he could just know and understand and not think of me as a disgusting demon that he and he back must destroy. Before I realized what I was doing, I shoved the images into his head, giving him the information that David had bestowed upon me-- the evil-doer, the little drink, bedding down into a neatly arranged coffin-- it filled his head like tunnel being flooded with sewage, threatening to drown those who were trapped within it.

His eyes widened and his fingers twitched in my hands. He yanked them out of my grasp, recoiling back from me. His face contorted into the most torturous gaze. I couldn't stand it, couldn't stand his hatred. I wouldn't do it. I would not become this monster! I sobbed and gasped at his response, I couldn't go out and face my fate with David. I could not take human life if I would have to see this expression on his face. I wanted to scream, to fall back into a fit of tearing this hideous flesh from my face.

Blinded by the red sea of tears, I felt light hands fall gingerly on my shoulders, coaxing me into an embrace. My father held me close, thinking nothing but of his love for me. He cradled me gently in the golden light of his acceptance, his understanding. I quivered and shook in his arms and squeezed my eyes tight, not wanting to feel the cold emptiness of the world outside of his arms. "Daddy," I sobbed, "make it stop, please make it stop."
"Shh... angel," he tried to comfort me.

"Don't call me that!" I bellowed, "I'm nobody's angel anymore! I have to kill them to survive, I have to take human life, I can't live with myself, I can't!"

I opened my eyes to the soft face pressed close to mine, "Nessie," she said in a nearly commanding voice, "it will be okay. You need to go with David, you need to learn what he has to teach you. These children need you, they need their mother and you must go. You must be strong, and you must go. We love you, no matter what and the others will come to understand. Please, Ness, I know you can pull it together, I know how strong you are."

Her words twisted like knives delving into my heart. I fought back my sobs, trying to believe her, trying to cling to her words. My chest heaved painfully and my palms bled from my glassy nails digging into them. I opened my eyes to watch the wounds seal themselves and the trickle of blood flow hideously down the hard flesh of my forearm. "Jake," I whispered, begging him to understand, to not hate me for what I had become.

His face was fighting, he was fighting to understand, to accept. He was pulling viciously between two forces, his nature and his love. His thoughts impaled me, forcing themselves inside my head. How can I allow this? How could I ever not love her? The pack, what will that pack say? How could this happen? I can't allow... He twitched furiously and I could tell that he could no longer fight the enormous swell of emotion. He turned his face from mine, "I'm sorry," he said as his flesh tore away and the fury of fur filled my vision. His clothes lay shredded in every direction and a great wolf howled in agony and fled the room, tearing recklessly out into the night.

I collapsed. And more than the pain of Jake leaving, more than the fear of my family never loving me again, more than my self loathing, was the horrible reality of the monster within me, screaming, roaring for human blood. I tried to push it away, tried to stop the sinister thoughts pulsing through my mind, but I was no match for it. A hard clamping hand closed over my throat and suppressed my flailing limbs dragging me out into the shelter of the cold, vortex of the swirling night.

I thrashed violently trying to break free, but the hands held fast, containing my rage. "I'm sorry my dear," said the calm, cool and collected voice of my captor, "but unfortunately it was necessary. I could not allow you to do any harm that you would regret." I fell limp against his solid chest, unable to continue my pointless sobbing. I felt the cold air chilling my skin and the sensation of weightlessness surrounding me. "Hold on tight, Nessie," the voice commanded. I obeyed pulling myself even closer to him.

The freezing air swirled relentlessly around us, it was thin and difficult to pull into my lungs. My throat burned with the combination of lack of oxygen and bitter cold. I chanced a moment of vision peeling back my lids from my pupils. I quickly shut them and froze in terror when I realized what was happening. We moved swiftly on the back of the wind, we were soaring miles above the warmth and safety of the earth below us. We flew through the density of the clouds, rising above them into an all encompassing blanket of stars.

I opened my eyes a total of three more times, each time instantly regretting my fleeting moment of bravery. I clutched at David in fear and for warmth, the cold was horribly exhausting and penetrated my very soul. I thought that I would pass out, I barely clung to consciousness. At long last we began a gentle decent back through the clouds. The city lights lay out before us, twinkling and gleaming in the darkness. Little red and white lights marched in opposite directions like ant crawling in and out of the ground. It was beautiful, perhaps more so do to my near unconsciousness.

We finally reached the concrete surface of the ground. We were surrounded by the height baring giants of an endless sea of trees high above the city lights. "Where are we?" I mumbled trying to regain my wits and awareness.

"Just outside of Vancouver, Canada," David replied as he stretched and flexed his limbs that had undoubtedly gone stiff from the journey."

"We could have just ran," I said, still a little disoriented.

"It would have taken too long, I'm afraid, we have little time," David replied.

"But, it doesn't take that long," I said in defiance, thinking of the horrible journey we had just made.

"Ah yes, but I doubt that we could have made it here in fifteen minutes on foot," he straightened his jacket and began trudging down the hillside.

"Fifteen minutes?" I repeated. "Wow," I shook my head again trying to comprehend what seemed impossible even in the household that I grew up in.

"The cloud gift is much more efficient, I'm afraid," David said with an obvious sign of his agreed displeasure. "Come, follow me, we need to hurry."

I stood still for a moment, but the monster within me roared agreeing with David and forced my feet to fall swiftly, one in front of the other making a line behind my Maker.