Fifteen years later…
[Nikki wakes up to the feeling of water splashing on her forehead. She slowly blinks and rises, walking over to a table to grab a cloth to wipe her forehead. She looks next to her to see a weird-looking creature- which she has called for simplicity sakes Harry Reid- snoring. She then hears voices coming from outside her jail cell and hears screaming, and then she sees a TrumpTrooper pass by]
[Meanwhile, on an Imperial outpost in the Ring of Kafrene, Tom Cotton is making his way through a crowd of partygoers, attempting to dodge Imperial security whenever possible. He makes his way down the boulevard and into a small building, where another man with a sling on his arm is waiting]
Man: About time, I was just about to leave!
Cotton: I came as fast I could.
Man: I have to get back on board. Walk with me.
Cotton: Back to Jedha?
[Cotton blocks the man as he tries to leave]
Cotton: Easy, easy, you have news from Jedha? Come on, talk to me.
Man: An Imperial pilot and a former campaign manager for Mr. Trump, one of the cargo drivers, defected yesterday. He's telling everybody, and you better believe that all the left-wing news outlets were the first to air the story. He's telling people they're making a weapon. The kuber crystals, that's what they're for.
Cotton: What kind of weapon?
Man: Look, I have to go!
[Cotton pushes the man against the wall]
Cotton: What kind of weapon?
Man: A planet killer. That's what he called it. Planned Parenthood called this weapon a "reproductive right."
Cotton: A planet killer? A reproductive right?
Man: Yes, yes. Someone named Haley sent him, some friend of Clarence's.
Cotton: Galen Haley? Was it?
Man: I don't have a clue! They were looking for Clarence when we left.
Cotton: Who else knows about this?
Man: I have no idea. It's all falling apart, this plan is as bad as Obama's stimulus package or Wubya's TARP. Clarence's right, there's spies everywhere, man. Snowden, the CIA, the NSA, Putin, Assange, everyone.
[All of a sudden, a few TrumpTroopers emerge and Cotton and the man slowly turn towards them]
Trooper: What's going on here?
Trooper 2: Come on, let's see some sort of documentation.
Cotton: Alright, alright, wait a minute, what are you, ICE agents? Just give us a second.
[Cotton bends down and pulls out a blaster and spins around, shooting both of the troopers]
Man: Oh, my G-d, what the hell did you just do?
Cotton: I'm just carrying out my 2nd Amendment rights, yo.
Trooper: Troopers down, I repeat, troopers down, Section 9.
Man: I'll never climb out of here, look at my arm!
Cotton: I thought you got that fixed!
Man: Turns out healthcare in Canada isn't all that it's worked up to be.
[Suddenly, a squad of TrumpTroopers run down the alleyway, pushing civilians out of the way]
Cotton: [pats the man on the shoulder] Calm down, calm down, okay? I promise we'll repeal and replace Obamacare and you'll get the best health coverage in this quadrant of the galaxy, okay?
Man: Yeah, that sounds-
[Suddenly, the man gets shot and falls to the ground]
Cotton: Yeah, I don't think insurance companies cover the pre-existing condition of being dead.
[Cotton darts to the wall and begins to climb a ladder to a narrow opening]
[Meanwhile, on the planet Jedha, the Imperial defect and former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, accompanied by the tall and hairy Al Franken and Whip Steny Hoyer, make their way to a man with a breathing mask, the newly-appointed DNC chair Thomas Perez, who is surrounded by bodyguards]
Corey: Is… is that him? He looks kind of different. I imagined him a bit younger since, you know, like, Democrats are supposed to be appealing to younger people, but I mean not saying anything about him being old or anything. And, um, well, I thought he was, you know... black.
[Perez speaks to his bodyguards in a foreign language while Corey steps up to him]
Corey: Um, safe space? Trigger warning? White privilege? Microaggression? No, you don't understand? Are you Clarence Thomas? Yes? No? Alright, alright, we're just wasting time, I need to speak to Clarence Thomas before it's too late, before those blasted reporters get on my trail. We're in the middle of nowhere, please.
[Perez again speaks in a foreign language]
Corey: I don't know how to speak Democrat or liberal or however you're talking! I have an urgent message, is that clear? Trigger warning, yeah, trigger warning? No? Hello?
[Suddenly, Franken and Hoyer throw a bag over Corey's head and he begins to jerk and resist, and two people lead him away]
Corey: Hey, hey! We're all on the same side here, if you just see past the uniform for a minute, I have to speak with Clarence Thomas! Jesus, please! You know, this wasn't the hospitality I was expecting!
[On the planet Waboni, a TrumpJuggernaut® rolled through an Imperial base camp. Inside the giant truck was Nikki, who was shackled to the floor as well as a few other prisoners, such as the Harry Reid creature]
Trooper 1: Did you hear that the House might not actually be repealing Obamacare?
Trooper 2: Yes, that's all that's been on the news, Fred, how the Republicans haven't kept their word and are basically delivering a plan that is Obamacare with the sideburns shaved.
Trooper 1: Yeah, well, Paul Ryan and Bitch McConnell better get their act straight if not they won't be receiving my vote in the midterm elections.
[Suddenly, the TrumpJuggernaut® stops and the troopers look around]
Trooper 1: Ugh, what is it now?
Trooper 2: I don't know, probably another pick-up, or worse: TV reporters.
Trooper 1: [approaches Nikki] I thought we had everybody.
[Suddenly, the door explodes and everyone inside shields their eyes. All the troopers get gunned down as masked soldiers run into the vehicle. One of the soldiers walks over to Nikki and looks her up and down and chuckles]
Soldier: You wanna get out of here?
[Nikki nods her head and the soldier cuts her bonds]
Prisoner: Hey, whatta about me?
[Suddenly, Nikki kicks the soldier back and begins to punch the soldiers running towards her. Sh grabs a nearby pipe and begins to smack the other soldiers in the head. She then runs towards the exit until a tall, black droid extends its arm and grabs Nikki and throws her to the ground]
Droid: Hmm, they certainly do not make the feminist models like they used to. Now, please, you are being rescued. Please do not attempt to resist.
[Nikki reluctantly joins the other soldiers and get on their ship, which heads to the distant planet of Yavin 4. The ship heads towards a bunch of ancient pyramids and then lands at a base. Inside the hangar, pilots are repairing and inspecting their ships. Inside the command center, Nikki is placed in a chair while a man, Dick Durbin, begins to interview her]
Durbin: You currently call yourself Mila Yiannopoulos, is that correct?
[Nikki doesn't respond and just scrutinizes the man]
Durbin: Possession of unregistered weapons, forgery of Imperial documents, aggravated assault, escape from custody, resisting arrest, participating in an anti-Trump rally at a notoriously liberal college campus…I like it. However, imagine if the Imperial authorities had found out who you really are. Nikki Haley? That's your given name, is it not? Nikki Haley, daughter of Galen Haley? A known Imperial collaborator in weapons development and as of recently a hair designer for Mr. Trump?
[Suddenly, a woman in white robes, Elizabeth Warren, walks behind a giant table and stares down Nikki]
Nikki: What is this?
Warren: It's a chance for you to make a fresh start. We think you might be able to help us in our hour of need. This is Captain Tom Cotton, Interest Group Intelligence.
[Nikki turns her head to see Cotton emerge from the shadows and approach her]
Cotton: When was the last time you were in contact with your father?
Nikki: Pff, I don't know, like, 15 years ago I think?
Cotton: Any idea where he's been all that time?
Nikki: I like to think he's dead, makes things easier. It's a much more parsimonious explanation.
Cotton: Easier than what That he's being a tool of the Imperial war machine and Mr. Trump's wardrobe?
Nikki: I've never had the luxury of political opinions.
Cotton: Really?
Nikki: No, not really, most of my childhood was involved in all sorts of political crap and intrigue.
Cotton: Moving on. When was your last contact with Justice Clarence Thomas?
[Nikki looks at him for a minute while all eyes in the room anxiously look towards her]
Nikki: It's been a long time.
Cotton: He'd remember you, though, wouldn't he? He might agree to meet you, if you came as a friend, or, in your terms, a political ally.
Durbin: Lady, this isn't your usual gender studies class, we're short on time and if there's nothing here we need to talk about, we'll just put you back where we found you.
Nikki: When I was a child, Clarence Thomas saved my life. He raised me. I even helped him a little bit formulate his legal arguments for the court. But I have no idea where he is now. I haven't seem him in years.
Cotton: Don't worry, we know how to find him. That's not our problem here. What we need is someone who gets us through the door without being killed.
Nikki: You're all rebels, aren't you?
Durbin: I wouldn't use the term rebels, more like "financially motivated by politically correct interest groups."
Nikki: So basically you're a bunch of legislators and congressmen and lawmakers funded by these special interest groups then?
Durbin: We like to fancy ourselves that we're doing a good thing for the galaxy.
Warren: We are rebels, we are definitely 100% rebels. If that's how the media portrays us, then we're rebels. However, Clarence Thomas is an extremist.
Nikki: [scoffs] I knew he was conservative but I never took him for an extremist.
Warren: Anyone who is against abortion and Obamacare and the legalization of gay marriage is an extremist.
Nikki: So… why do you want him on your side?
Durbin: Diversity purposes. You know, multiculturalism.
Warren: Thomas has been fighting on his own since he broke with the Interest Gr- er, I mean, Rebellion. His militancy has caused the Alliance a great many problems. It's what happens when the media gets to control what everybody sees and listens. We have no choice now but to try to mend that broken trust.
Nikki: So… what does any of this have to do with my father?
[Durbin and Warren exchange glances]
Cotton: There's an Imperial defector in Jedha. A pilot and former campaign manager. He's being held by Clarence Thomas. He's claiming the Emperor is creating a weapon with the power to destroy entire planets. And I've just heard that Planned Parenthood call this weapon a "reproductive right."
Warren: I know, and I have a few opinions of my own that I'd like to share
Durbin: It's okay, Lizzy, this isn't the Senate floor, you don't have to prove anything to anyone.
Cotton: The pilot said he was sent by your father.
Warren: We need to stop this weapon before it's completed.
Durbin: Captain Cotton's mission is to authenticate the pilot's story and then, if possible, find your father as well.
Warren: It appears he is critical to the development of this superweapon. Given the gravity of the situation and your history with Clarence, we're hoping that he will help us locate your father and return him to the Senate Intelligence Committee for testimony.
Nikki: And if I do it?
Warren: We'll make sure you go free. Isn't that what feminism is all about, dear?
Nikki: Uh, sure?