October 6th 1992
What am I feeling at this moment? What is this? It is some sort of eclectic bouquet of mixed emotions. Never have I pushed appointments back to have a long lunch period and yet forgo lunch to come to Café Nervosa to sip a cappuccino while I try to sort my life out. Darn, I wrote that in pen. I meant to say, "try to process the events that just took place." I could white it out, but then it just wouldn't look right, you know.
"Mrs. Steingritter" wanted to extend our sessions to evenings. She wanted more than just session time. Today during our session, she leaned into me and kissed me right on the mouth.
I didn't reciprocate. So, why am I so mad? I'm more than angered. I'm hurt, scared, confused, puzzled, anxious, rejected… Did I just write that? Rejected? How do I feel rejected? Did I mentioned confused? Why yes I did, didn't I? It's right there in black and white.
Needless to say, Mrs. Steingritter is no longer a patient of mine. Why, I am a happily married man. I have no interest in romance. I have my Maris. That actually sounded better in my mind than it did written out. I differed Mrs. Steingritter to another psychologist.
Why am I so tethered with emotions? I reacted appropriately. Action/reaction. I remained professional.
To hell with it. I am going to do something crazy. I'm having another cappuccino and don't hold back any foam this time. Let me be damned with caffeine intake.
Oh, what dark hole am I crawling out of this time? Since there is no one to talk to, (of course there is no way I am sharing this with Dad), I am forced to sit here and have this silent conversation with myself. Luckily, I can get free advice from a professional psychologist: me. Taking myself out of the equation, I can look at the elements of the situation.
Yes, that's it. For the first time in years, a woman has paid me more attention in one day than my wife has in months… Nay, in years.
That's it. Oh, I wish I had brought my brief case in so I could slam it shut.