Chapter Eight: Sickness
"You have told me every secret that you have ever had since we were like ten years old, and I don't understand why you're not telling me this one" He's joking, but he's not.
This conversation has been a long time coming and Clarke had not been looking forward to it. They'd had smaller scale versions of this conversation many times in recent months, but now Clarke was on the couch and he was washing dishes and it seems that he is ready to really talk about when she's been spending all of her time.
"I mean," he continues, "It can't just be about you dating that guard. That wouldn't be a secret – I don't care who you date" he pauses, reconsiders, "I mean, I will have to actually meet him if you're going to date him – make sure he's good enough for you and all that, but you know…" he trails off, notices the pink that has taken up residence on Clarke's cheeks and tinged the tops of her ears, adopts a teasing sing-song voice, "Clarke and Bellamy sitting in a tree -" a pillow hits him in the face, he picks it up and tosses it back to her. "You guys are dating…right? I mean, you're like serious about him?" he asks, tone serious again.
Clarke tucks her hair behind her still pink ears, "Yeah. I'm serious" she nods.
"Is he?" Avery asks, drying the last dish and plopping on the couch next to her.
She's quiet for a moment, "I think so" she smiles, remembering his face when he worried that he had nothing to offer her, "Yes" she amends.
"Good" Avery answers. "So, what's going on then?"
She sighs, "You're right. We have told each other every secret we've ever had since we were ten years old. And I will tell you every secret I have for the rest of my life. But, this isn't my secret and I can't tell you" she finishes in a whisper, not quite meeting his eyes.
He's quiet for a long moment, "But you're okay, right? Like, whatever it is, it's safe?" he asks, voice low. Since his father was floated about a month ago, Clarke was the only family he had left.
She nods, not completely convincingly, "It's okay". He's not sure he believes her, but he lets her say it anyway.
The sound of frantic knocking on the door pulls them out of the conversation. Avery moves to open it, keeping himself between Clarke and the door, while she strains to see around him. When he opens the door, and its Bellamy on the other side, she pushes past Avery to stand in front of Bellamy, who looks at her with wide wild eyes, "I need your help".
She turns, promises that she'll talk to Avery later and follows Bellamy out, grabbing his wrist when Avery's door shuts behind her, making him spin and face her, "What is going on?" she asks.
"Octavia is sick" he says, already turning and going towards his pod. Octavia is lying on Aurora's bed, asleep but pale and sweating. "It happened so fast" he says quietly.
Clarke puts her hand on Octavia's forehead and winces. She had just seen Octavia the night before – it shouldn't be possible for her to have gotten this sick this quickly. Her eyes dart around, from Octavia on the bed, to Bellamy, to the things in this room. "Has she ever been sick like this before?"
"No" Bellamy breathes out in a frustrated sigh. They fuss over Octavia, getting blankets and water, Bellamy taking instructions from Clarke and keeping a close eye on his sister. Bellamy tells Clarke that he tried to go to his mother for help, but she had been unable to leave with him and told him to have O drink lots of water, probably hoping that Bellamy was exaggerating the illness.
Clarke glances at the clock and then at Bellamy, "You have to go to work" he looks at her like she's crazy and snaps a 'no way' back. "What are you going to tell them? Are you going to say you have to stay home and take care of your sister?" she sighs, walking over to him and laying her hand on his arm, which he shrugs off. She takes a half step back, reminding herself how worried he must be.
"I can't leave her" he voice is barely above a whisper and he doesn't take his eyes off of Octavia when he speaks.
"You can't say that you're sick, because they'll just send you to medical. I don't know what else you can do but go to work." She moves so she's standing between Bellamy and the bed Octavia is sleeping on, forcing him to look at her, "I will come and find you if anything changes, I swear" she says, pushing him a little. He just watches Octavia for a long moment, before pressing his lips together and closing his eyes. He nods a little in resignation.
"Yeah" he croaks out, then repeats it a bit more forcefully. His eyes flick between her and Octavia a few times, before he grabs his uniform and heads out.
When he comes home later, Octavia is still sleeping and looks exactly as she did nine hours ago. Clarke is in the kitchenette, washing a glass and he walks over to her after checking on Octavia, "No change?"
Clarke closes her eyes before she speaks, "I have to go to work" she says, not looking at him. She's late, but it had been easy for her to call the admittance clerk, who also does the schedules, and tell her that she had some stuff to do. She'd told Clarke to 'do her thing' and come in when they could, Clarke's vagueness not bothering her a bit.
His eyebrows draw together, "Are you okay?"
She nods, "Yeah – I've just, I've got to go". She finally opens her eyes, turns to face him, "Make sure she gets fluids, and if there is any change at all, make sure you come and get me – if you can't get to medical, tell Avery to come get me, he'll do it." she holds his gaze until he nods, then leaves before he can ask her anything.
She spends the first half of her shift in medical waiting to be alone. Octavia won't survive, not without antibiotics, and Clarke has to find a moment alone in an exam room to get them for her. It's not the first illegal thing she's done since meeting the Blake's, but it is by far the most illegal and the most dangerous – few things are as closely monitored on the Ark as drugs. It was why she didn't tell Bellamy what she was planning; a combination of giving him plausible deniability and not wanting to have to say her plan out loud. And, she hadn't wanted to watch him struggle with not wanting her to do something so crazy, but needing his sister to be alive.
Finally, finally, as she is examining a small child with a cold, the doctor she is working with is called out of the room to consult on another case, and after Clarke takes care of the little boy and sends him out to his parents, she takes a deep, steadying, breath and moves to the medicine cabinet. She opens it, pulling out an empty syringe and filling it half way with saline, and the rest of the way with antibiotics from another syringe. She then replaces the antibiotics she just took from the prepared syringe with saline and looks at the syringes; both filled with a mix of saline and antibiotics. Saline is about the only thing that is easy to produce on the Ark, which is a shame because it's not good for a lot. When Clarke was first accepted into the medical apprenticeship program, she'd been terrified of giving injections, and her father had laughed and gotten a tube of saline from medical – letting her practice on him.
She stuffs one syringe in her pocket and the puts the other back on the tray of prepared syringes, in the back so it isn't likely to be used, and in a place, she'll remember so that she can use it on an appropriate case. She worries that it will be used on someone who desperately needs a full course of antibiotics and the half dose will be considered their medical allotment. But, she can't think about that, not now – though she's sure it will be all she can think about later, so she closes the door on the cabinet and sighs.
She jumps when Jonas, one of the doctors, opens the door. "Clarke, we've been looking for you, didn't your patient leave a while ago?"
She nods, "Yeah" and swallows, "Sorry, I just needed a moment" and hurries past him. The rest of her shift seems to drag on forever. She needs to get back, needs to not have this syringe in her pocket, needs to heal Octavia.
When her shift is finally over, she has to stop herself from running back to Factory. She passes Wells on her way and he asks her if she wants to get something to eat. She doesn't even really stop to answer him, just throws something about being tired over her shoulder as she keeps moving.
When she gets back to Bellamy's pod she knocks in a hurried rhythm and hears him shuffle to the door – she catches sights of someone else's blood on her wrist when she knocks. She knows she must look a mess – hair a sweaty mess and face unwashed, but she'd been too hurried to worry about that. He looks at her for a moment before opening the door enough for her to come through.
Octavia looks worse than before and Clarke turns to face Bellamy who looks like he's been hit by a truck. She holds his gaze when she reaches into her pocket and pulls out the syringe. His eyes widen and he takes a half step forward, "Clarke?" he somehow makes her name a question.
She pulls in a deep breath, "It's antibiotics. It's what she needs" she says, trying to be calm.
"Clarke, how did you…?" he rubs at the back of his head, "If anyone finds out…" he tries to wrap his head around half finished thoughts.
Clarke doesn't say anything…there's nothing to say, just walks past him and to Octavia. She pulls Octavia's arm to her and looks up at Bellamy for permission. He gives it with a nod of his head and she pushes the needle into Octavia's skin.
Bellamy drops into the chair he's pulled up to Octavia's bed and grabs his sister's hand, watching her face closely. Clarke blinks a few times and moves to leave the room, but Bellamy's hand reaches out and circles her wrist gently. She stops, leans against the side of the chair, "Clarke" his voice breaks around her name and she closes her eyes. He pulls her hand to his lips and kisses her palm softly, she sits in the empty space he's made on the chair.
Several hours later, Octavia blinks her eyes open and smiles a little. Bellamy's head is on the mattress, next to their joined hands, he doesn't quite look like he's asleep, but he doesn't look like he's awake either. Clarke is sitting on the floor by the foot of the bed, leaning against the wall. Her sketch book is in her hands, along with a pencil, but she doesn't look like she's drawing. Bellamy must notice a change in her breathing, or something, because all the sudden his head pops up and he's staring at her, "O" he whispers before hugging her.
Octavia laughs a little, lifting on hand to touch his back, horrified at the amount of energy it takes "Hey, big brother" she rasps, taking the glass of water he holds out when he pulls away. Clarke is standing next to the bed when she hands the water back to Bellamy and she checks Octavia over and smiles, saying that she should be fine soon. Octavia's a little surprised when Clarke says she has to go take of something, but nods when she promises to be back in a little while.
Bellamy tries to ask her questions, but Clarke just squeezes his arm and walks past him. She knows she has to get the used syringe to the sanitation bin before the morning. If they sanitize and return materials they will do inventory, and if they do that before she gets the syringe back, she's screwed.
She breezes in to medical, trying to move as quickly as possible, "Clarke, sweetie, you know you don't have to make up your hours from earlier – go home." the admittance clerk says, rolling her eyes in mock exasperation.
"Yeah, I just forgot something earlier" she says with a shrug and a forced smile.
She goes to the medical room that she took the syringe from and drops it in the sanitation box with a heavy sigh of relief. But then the door opens behind her and her mother walks in, prepared to put a box of materials away until she sees Clarke. Clarke sighs and turns to face her mother who asks what she is doing there.
"I uh," she stumbles over her words, glancing around the room. "I just thought I left something in here earlier…but I guess not"
Abby's eyes narrow, "What did you forget?"
Clarke swallows, "my, uh, my sketch book" she feels like she is going to throw up and she has to force herself to keep breathing, to look normal.
"You really shouldn't be sketching at work, Clarke" Clarke wants to laugh or to cry but only nods instead, "Even in break" her mom adds, probably thinking that Clarke's face was indignation and not relief.
"Yeah, you're right, mom" she says, forces a smile that can't possibly look like anything but a grimace and nods towards the door, "I gotta go – Avery is waiting on me for dinner" she says, pointing absently at the door behind her mother, she can feel herself cracking and needs an escape. Abby nods, tells her to be careful and lets her pass. Clarke forces herself to walk at a normal pace.
She walks back to factory in a daze. To catch her now, to prove it, they'd have to check every prepared syringe in the medical room – and that isn't likely. They've done it before, during intensive inventories, but mostly only when there has been cause, a suspicion, and she doesn't think there is that now. She takes a few deep steadying breathes before knocking on Bellamy's door in a familiar rhythm.
Bellamy lets her in, but stops her in the kitchen, holding her face between his hands. "Bell" she whispers, bringing her hands up to grip his wrists. She lets out a long breath and lets her weight fall against him a little before straightening. "I should check on -"
"She's in the shower" he cuts her off, holding her in place. "Clarke, how did you…?" his voice is barley a whisper and she closes her eyes against the question. "Clarke," he starts again, but she shakes her head a tiny bit – he feels it more than sees it, and he closes his eyes too. They stay there like that for a moment before he speaks again, "Clarke, anything could have happened" he leaves off that it's still possible that anything could happen. She sighs a little and his hands slip from her cheeks, through her hair and around her, pulling her to him.
She clutches at him, one hand tangling in his shirt at his back and the other gripping his shoulder. "I didn't know what else to do" she mumbles around unshed tears. He pulls her closer, cupping the back of her head with one hand, his other around her waist. He whispers a 'thank you, Clarke' in her ear, his voice breaking around her name.
They hear the shower shut off and Bellamy presses his face into the side of her neck before they pull back. He takes her hands as their arms drop and his eyes bore into hers intently. She's about to ask him what's wrong when he speaks, "I love you" he breathes out and her breath catches in her throat.
Octavia comes out of the bathroom in clean clothes, already looking a lot better. But, she's still weak and coughing with each breath. Clarke and Bellamy share another look before they go to help Octavia. They help her sit on the couch and then Clarke goes to the kitchenette to get her crackers and some water while Bellamy sits with his sister.
Octavia tries to eat a little, but they mostly just sit; Octavia leaning against Bellamy on the couch and Clarke sitting across from them on the chair. Bellamy and Octavia fall asleep after just a few minutes and Clarke smiles, standing to grab a blanket to drape over them, then going to the bed room to grab her sketch book. She sits back down in the chair and starts drawing the siblings.
Octavia is the first to blink her eyes open, and she watches Clarke for the minute or so it takes her to realize it. "Hey" Clarke whispers when she sees Octavia watching her.
"Hey" Octavia returns, quietly, as not to wake Bellamy. Clarke turns the mostly-done charcoal of Octavia sleeping against Bellamy around, so that Octavia can see it. "That's amazing" she breathes out, smiles when Clarke blushes.
"How are you feeling?" Clarke askes, scooting to the edge of the chair.
"Okay" Octavia nods a little, "Better". She doesn't feel good, but she doesn't feel like she's dying anymore either. It doesn't hurt to breath like it did before, so she thinks she is probably going to be okay. "Thank you – I don't know exactly what you did, or how, but thank you" Octavia adds, pulling her legs up and folding them against herself, all the sudden worried that Clarke might have done something dangerous for her.
Clarke smiles, but shakes her head, "I didn't really do anything". Octavia rolls her eyes in obvious disbelief.
A week later, Octavia is pretty much back to her normal self, completely cured of the illness that was so terrifying just a handful of days ago. Despite Clarke spending virtually of her non-working time with the Blake's she hasn't had any time alone with Bellamy since he told her that he loved her. She hates that she didn't say anything in return, she hadn't meant to freeze up the way she did – and then the chance to say something…anything…was gone.
She round the hallway corner and knocks on the pod door, the rhythm quiet – they're expecting her. Bellamy opens the door, but his wild curly hair is the first thing she sees; he's turned around, nodding at something she can't see – Octavia, probably – and when he turns to face her, his eyes are light and full of laughter. It's the first time she's seen that since Octavia got sick. She smiles, starts to walk inside, but changes her mind. She grabs his wrist instead, yells that they'll be back and pulls him into the hallway and down to Avery's pod. She turns the key and slams against the door to open it and rolls her eyes when he chuckles.
Bellamy comes in behind her, looking at her questioningly. She shuts the door and his eyes start to flick around the common room, she watches him. There are holes in about half the cabinets and things hang off the wall in haphazard fashion. She looks down a little, and when she looks up he's touching a picture that hangs on the wall, rubbing the edge between his fingers; it's a collage of her and Avery – they oldest picture taken when they were about four and the most recent less than a year ago – they add to it when they can. He laughs at one of her in a wizard costume, pointing to it and looking back at her.
"Shut Up, I was like twelve" she says before laughing and dunking her head. "Avery's at work" she explains unnecessarily.
He nods a little and circles back to the middle of the room, where Clarke is standing. "Clarke, What's -"
"I love you" she cuts him off. He's quiet and still for a moment and she starts to panic. Did he change his mind, did he not mean it before, did his sleep-deprived and terrified-about-Octavia brain make him say something that he didn't really intend to say?
She's panicking when his lips crash down on hers. He pulls her to him tightly, tangling a hand in her hair the other arm around her waist, hand splaying over hip. She squeals a little in surprise before she returns his kiss in earnest, winding her arms around his neck. When oxygen deprivation becomes a concern, they pull back, him resting his forehead on hers, both breathing heavy.
She breathes out a laugh, "I've been wanting to say that".
His head dips to kiss her again. Except Octavia and his mother, no one has ever told him that they loved him. He's never really felt like he deserved that from anyone, that he would ever have that. It feels so surreal to him that this beautiful, intelligent, brave girl would ever love someone like him. "I love you, too" he mumbles against her lips as they pull apart again. When his eyes find hers again, he finds unshed tears gathering there and pressed his lips to her temple firmly.
Six days later, Bellamy and Clarke walk into the Factory Cafeteria and go through the line to get meals, after they have them her eyes scan the people sitting and eating and finally find Avery. She smiles, heading that direction, Bellamy following behind her. They sit across from Avery and Clarke is the first to speak, "So…Bellamy, Avery. Avery, Bellamy" she points between them and laughs after. They shake hands across the table.
Avery leans in to the table a little, "So, do you want to hear about the time she almost broke her arm because I was this close to convincing her she could fly," he holds his pointer finger and his thumb about an eighth of an inch apart, "or the time I convinced her that her pod was haunted?" Bellamy laughs.
Clarke kicks Avery under the table, hard. "If you have any sense of self-preservation, you will not continue down that path". The laughter in her voice under-cuts her threat.
They talk easily, filling the meal with conversation. After a while, Bellamy glances at the clock, "I gotta go" he says, kissing Clarke lightly before he stands, "I have work" he explains. He and Avery exchange 'nice to meet you's' before Bellamy leaves.
Once Bellamy is out of earshot, Clarke turns to Avery and raises her eyebrows in a question. He nods, "Yeah, he seems alright"
"A ringing endorsement" Clarke says sarcastically.
"No, no, I like him" Avery assures her, "I can't believe you just met him in our hallway. It's like one of your chick flicks" he teases.
She laughs, rolls her eyes, wishes that she could tell him the whole truth. They stand to leave, gathering their trash and taking it the bin. When Clarke turns, there is a boy, a little older than her, blocking her path. She smiles, tries to move around him, but he pushes her back against the wall, her hand cuts on a piece of metal and she yelps a little. That's when Avery notices and doubles back to her.
"Your mother's council voted to float my mother" the guy is saying and Avery reaches out his hand, trying to move between the guy and Clarke, but the guy pushes Avery and he stumbles before coming back.
"You haven't done anything that can't be undone yet" Avery says, finally able to squeeze between Clarke and the guy he doesn't recognize, "the smart play here is to walk away". The guy turns, like that's what he's going to do, but he spins on his heels at the last moment, punches Avery, then turns to walk away. A guard has him before he's at the next table. Avery spins, grabs Clarke's hand, "You have to go to medical".
"It's fine" she answers. There are tears pooling in her eyes that Avery knows have nothing to do with the cut on her hand. Avery brushes off the guards who want to ask them questions and pulls her back to their pod. "I think I just forget sometimes, how much people hate me because of who my mother is. That no matter how long I live here, I don't belong here" she explains while he wraps her hand.
"You belong here" he promises. She shakes her head, but doesn't say anything.
Bellamy must hear about what happened, because a few hours later he's knocking on their door. Avery opens it and points him to the couch where Clarke has fallen asleep. He thanks Avery and walks over there, dropping to his knees on the floor in front of Clarke and tucking her hair behind her ear. He doesn't want to wake her, but he has to know that she's okay, so he lets his hand cup the back of her head as her name tumbles from his lips. Her eyes blink open and she smiles, "Bell. What are you doing here?" she asks, voice heavy with sleep.
"I heard about what happened, in the cafeteria" he tells her, looking at her wrapped hand.
She smiles sadly, "I'm okay" she promises.
"I wasn't really that worried" he teases, his voice a forced mock indifferent, "I just thought I'd check". She laughs, so he does too. She scoots over on the couch and he lies down with her, pulling her body close to his. He doesn't say anything when she cries softly.
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