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Secretsby mommyofboth

Chapter Fifteen- Out of The Haze

Angela Masen

"On the count of three let's move her to the bed. One, two… secure that tube! I don't want her extubating yet."

There is a place between alive and dead… awake and asleep, where darkness and light compete for dominance… consciousness competes with oblivion. It's like being on a pendulum, swinging back and forth between two worlds. The earthly world is still spinning on its axis, people are still functioning in society, commuters are still commuting, families are still sitting down for Sunday dinner, and lovers are still entwined in each other's arms, while the spiritual world is silent and full of nothingness. No fear, no pain, no memories, no light, no nothing. The world goes on… life goes on, as they say, all despite the fact that one person is teetering on the edge of mortality.

"Get her back on the monitors, I don't want another repeat of the code in the OR. Hang another bag of O positive when that one finishes. Let's turn down her fluids. She doesn't need to add fluid overload to her list of problems."

One second you think you have a grasp on the situation… think you are winning the battle against the blackness… the next you are being pulled back down again. You wonder if you'll ever break free from whatever is yanking you out of reality. But then, you are down again, and you just don't care. It's just… nothing.

Two voices were whispering as I swung back again, hovering just below consciousness.

"How's she doing?" a familiar voice asked, entering the room.

"Stable," another voice answered. "Nothing major over the last shift, In's and Out's are about matched, we've been able to wean her off the pressors as her blood pressures have been good. She's getting a lot lighter… she's been breathing on her own, so the residents turned down her ventilator. We are ready to extubate her now."

Extubate. I know that word from somewhere. Suddenly I felt something ripping my throat, forcing me to cough forcefully. I gasped hoarsely, sucking in air as if it were my first breath. My throat and chest burned. I couldn't stop coughing, which made the inside of my abdomen ache… my skin tugging and pulling with every hack. I thrashed, pulling up my arms to grab at my body… to find the source of the pain, but something or someone was holding them down, only allowing me to futilely struggle. Something hard was placed on my face, smothering my mouth and nose, forcing air in. It smelled like plastic and bubblegum.

"Angela! It's okay. You are in the hospital. We are taking good care of you. Just calm down and breathe," the familiar voice instructed. "Give her another dose of morphine and keep that oxygen mask on her face until she calms down."

I tried to pry open my eyes to see who was speaking, but it was impossible. My lids were like bricks and weren't about to budge. I listened quietly to the beeping and humming sounds that confirmed that the voice was right… I was in a hospital.

I'm in a hospital. Why am I in a hospital? I thought,as I tried to piece together my memories. I'm a nurse, but I'm not working… no, I don't think I'm working. I stopped working when I had the twins. I gasped, trying to struggle against the restraints as I thought of the twins. Seth! Connor! Where are they? Where's Edward? What happened to my baby? I heard the beeping on the monitors increase, my panic beginning to build as I remembered the events leading up to this hospitalization.

"Shhhhhh," a female voice reassured as soft hands stroked my forehead. "It's okay. You're okay. We gave you some medicine to take away the pain and to help you to fall asleep, so don't fight it. It's okay."

What is she talking about? It isn't okay. Where are my kids? Where is Edward? What happened to my baby?

I tried without success to ask the questions on my mind, but all that came out was groaning and mumbling. The soothing hands continued to rub my forehead and hair as the cloudiness returned and I drifted back into oblivion.

"Twenty-seven year old, gravida three para three female, status post emergency c-section secondary to placental abruption, now post op day one…" The voice that had awoken me continued to rattle off information and numbers regarding his patient. I could tell there were several others in the room from the rustling of papers and occasional affirmations or questions.

Rounds. I quickly concluded. They are talking about ME on rounds. I held perfectly still, listening to the history of what my body had endured in the last fourteen or so hours since my arrival to the emergency room. They mentioned transfusions, ventilators, antibiotics, and fluid management, but the resident never mentioned anything about a baby. My baby.

I struggled to open my eyes, refusing to accept defeat this time. I wanted to question the team before they finished talking and moved to the next room. As my lids slowly opened, my eyes squinted, adjusting to the bright lights of the room. Initially everything was blurry, but blinking, I focused on the men and women surrounding my bed. I recognized them as doctors from their familiar white coats, but I knew none of them except Doctor Brandon. He was standing in the back of the group, a smile forming on his face as we made eye contact.

"Look who's awake," he interrupted the young doctor who was spouting my plan for the day. "Angela, you've given us quite a scare, but you are pulling through nicely. How is your pain?"

"Okay," I croaked, straining my sore throat. "What happened? Where's…" I stopped, not sure If I was ready for the bad news he was apt to deliver. He nodded his head for the team to move on to the next patient and approached me, sitting in the chair next to my bed. I tried to pull myself up to see him better, but stopped, wincing in pain.

"Take it easy, we'll get you some more pain meds." He reached for my call light, pushing the red button for the nurse.

"No," I shook my head, hoarsely continuing. "I don't want to be out of it again. I need to find out what is going on."

He smiled, taking my right hand in his. "I understand, we'll switch you to pain medicine you can control on your own, but you need to stay on top of it, or you won't recover as quickly. Do you understand?" I nodded, signaling for him to continue. "I think you are about ready to move out of the unit. When you get to the floor, you can get up and around. We can get rid of some of the IV's when you are eating and drinking, but I'm not so sure you are ready for that yet. Once you are eating, we can switch you to medicine you can take by mouth if your pain is well controlled. You will be here for several more days, though, so don't get any ideas about leaving any time soon."

"What happened?" I asked, my voice shaking. "Was the baby…" I couldn't bring myself to accept that she was gone until I heard it from Dr. Brandon's mouth… until he told me himself… that she didn't make it. He was about to answer when a blond woman in lavender scrubs entered the room. They spoke for a moment, apparently he was giving her orders, then she left us alone again.

"Sorry," he smiled, rubbing his hand reassuringly across the top of mine. "The baby made it… she's young and tiny, but she is a fighter, like you. Someone from the newborn ICU should be in soon to give you an update."

I exhaled quickly, the breath I was holding rushing out as I leaned my head back against the pillow, closing my eyes, relief flooding my body. She was alive. I didn't kill her.

The lavender nurse reentered the room, lugging a PCA machine behind her. Introducing herself this time as Judy, she busied herself with setting everything up so that I could control my own pain medication. She backed out of the room smiling at Dr. Brandon shyly after she made sure I didn't need anything else. He watched the door close, then he continued the conversation.

"You really scared us, Angela. It was a good thing you thought to call your neighbor, because his paramedic skills saved your life… and the baby's, probably." He sighed as he continued. "You lost a lot of blood and went into shock in the operating room. We had to give you medications to get your heart back to a normal rhythm. We didn't know if you were going to make it for awhile there." He gave me a reassuring smile, squeezing my hand.

"Do you know where my boys are? Have you heard from Edward?" I asked anxiously.

"Your neighbor's mother took the twins until Alice and Jasper could get there," explained

Dr. Brandon. "Last time I talked to Alice it sounded like those rascals had painted a couple of masterpieces on the hallway wall." He chuckled, but then straightened his smile, becoming serious. "Jasper thought it was best if no one told them anything until we knew what was happening. They seem to be doing okay, but I know they probably miss you. I'm sure Alice and Jasper will bring them by whenever you feel up to it."

"Thanks," I smiled. "I'm so glad I don't have to worry if they are safe." I paused, looking into Dr. Brandon's eyes. "And Edward?"

He shook his head. "We left a message when all hell was breaking loose, and I know that Alice has left a couple of messages too, but I'm not sure if she has heard from him yet."

Closing my eyes again, I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. Dr. Brandon gave my hand another squeeze as he stood. I opened my eyes as he was straightening his coat.

"I'm going to let you rest. They should be moving you out of the unit sometime today, then you can go and see your sweet baby." He smiled. "Have you and Edward decided on a name for her?"

"Isabelle," I answered, my need to see her suddenly becoming painful.

"Beautiful," he nodded as he opened the door to leave. "Congratulations, Angela. I'll come and check on you later today when you are on the floor."

"Thank you, Dr. Brandon," I sighed. "For everything."

He nodded, quietly closing the door behind him. I moaned in pain as I readjusted my pillows. After pushing the PCA button for pain control, I quickly took inventory of the attachments to my body. I had IV's in both hands, a plastic oxygen tube in my nose, leads stuck to my chest, and I noted a catheter bag hanging from my bed…I could assume the source of that. I peeked under my gown to glance at my incision, but it was covered with a white dressing.

It could have been worse. I sighed, remembering my last moments of consciousness on the floor of Edward's study. I had thought that I was going to die. I had thought that the baby was going to die too, and all I could think about was Connor and Seth… and Edward.

Blinking back tears, I sunk into the pillows, closing my eyes. Oh Edward! What have you done? How am I going to pretend I don't know about the other woman? I took a couple of deep breaths as I thought of what I would possibly say to him once he arrived. I reached for the phone on the bedside table, dialing Alice's cell phone.

"Hello?" the familiar voice answered.

"Alice? It's Anglea. How are the boys?"

"ANGELA," Alice squealed. "I've been so worried. How are you feeling? I'm so glad you are awake, the boys have been asking for you and I didn't know what to tell them. Jasper and I have been trying to distract them, but they still miss you."

"I'm sore and confused… a big chunk of my weekend is missing, and… I guess I have a baby." I gulped as the lump returned to my throat. "I haven't even seen her yet."

"Oh, sweetie," she sighed. "I'm sorry. All of this just sucks, but I'm so glad you are both okay. My dad says she's just beautiful. I can't wait to come up and see you guys. When do you want us to bring the twins?"

"I don't know, I'm still in the ICU, so maybe later when I get to the floor. Can I talk to them?

"Um… right now they are on the carousel with Jasper, but I can have them call you right back when they get off."

"Carousel?" I asked warily, "Alice, where are you?"

"Oh, well," she paused, clearly planning her next words carefully. "We were just trying to think of fun stuff to do to keep them busy, and you know that you had nothing ready for this baby, so we just came to the mall to pick up a few necessities. Oh, Angela, we've found the most adorable things and don't worry about anything. I picked up the bedding you picked out a couple of weeks ago and we will have her whole room ready when you get home. I've taken care of everything. Oh, and wait until you see these silver boots I bought her. They are absolutely incredible. I wish I had feet this small."

"Alice," I scolded, teasingly. "She won't be wearing boots for ages. You are completely insane, but thank you. Really. It means so much to me that you have Seth and Connor… that I know they are in good hands. Did they… did they see the mess in the office? Did you find my phone? It isn't here, well… at least, I don't see it. And, Alice, have you heard from Edward?"

"No!" she sighed. "I left him several messages. I tried calling your cell too, but it goes straight to voice mail now, so I'm not sure where it is. The boys didn't see anything, thank goodness. When we got to your house, your neighbor's mom had already cleaned up the mess and his sister had them over at his place eating dinner. They were wondering where you had gone, but they didn't seem too traumatized. You know Seth, though, he was worried you didn't say, "goodbye." I told him you just had to leave too fast because his sister was on her way. He seemed to accept it. They've been so excited to pick out baby stuff. Do you want me to tell them about the baby? Or do you want to tell them when they get there?"

"I'll tell them." I answered, nervous again that I had no idea what was happening to her.

"I'd like to see how she's doing so I know what to expect before I give them too much information. Thank you, Alice. I really owe you one."

"Nonsense!" She insisted. "That's what best friends are for. You get some rest and I'll have the boys call you later. Let me know when you want us to come over there, okay? I'm so glad you are both okay. If I hear from Edward, I'll let you know."

"Thanks, Alice. I'll talk to you later." I hung up the phone, closing my eyes, resting my head back on my pillow. I was so relieved the twins were okay, but I needed to talk to Edward, and I still hadn't heard anything about the baby.

I must have drifted to sleep at some point, because I startled awake as the door opened, a petite brunette approaching my bed with a smile. She offered her hand as she looked apologetically at me. I shook it weakly as she spoke.

"I'm sorry to wake you, Mrs. Masen. I'm Dr. Morgan from the newborn intensive care unit. I wanted to talk to you about your baby girl. Do you mind if I sit?" She gestured to the chair next to my bed, sitting, as I nodded to her.

"Thanks for coming to talk," I gulped, anxiously awaiting the information about the baby. "I feel bad that I haven't been in to see her yet."

Dr. Morgan smiled reassuringly, "I completely understand. We just want you to recover quickly. Your baby had a rough start, but she is doing much better now. She never required a breathing tube, but we did have her on CPAP initially. Are you familiar with continuous positive airway pressure ventilation through the nose?" she raised her eyebrow wondering how much detail she would need to give me.

"Yes," I nodded. "I'm a nurse, but I've been home since I had my twins almost three years ago."

"Okay," Dr. Morgan continued, "Just stop me if you need further explanation, okay?"

I nodded again, encouraging her to continue.

"Her chest xrays have improved and she's now just on a nasal cannula. We had to give her an emergent transfusion in the recovery room so she has IV lines going into her belly button. We hopefully can keep those lines until she finishes her antibiotic course and then we won't have to poke her. She's also getting her fluids through those lines. I'm guessing she will be stable enough to start feeds through an oral tube within the next day or so, so if you are planning on breastfeeding her, you should start pumping as soon as you feel up to it. Then we can give it to her through the feeding tube."

I felt like one of those bobble heads on the dash of a car as I continued my nodding. "How much did she weigh?" I asked, wondering if she was bigger than the twins were.

"She was one point six five kilograms or three pounds, ten ounces, so pretty good sized for thirty-two and a half weeks. I understand your twins were thirty-two weeks as well? How big were they?"

"Connor was three pounds, fifteen ounces and Seth was three pounds even, so I understand the routine of a premature baby." I sighed, "It makes it a little bit easier to know what to expect. Thank you for taking such good care of her."

Smiling, Dr. Morgan placed my hand in both of hers as she got up to leave. "You can come to visit her any time you like, just keep your ID bracelet on even after you are discharged so that you can get in without questions. We prefer only two visitors at a time, each must be accompanied by you or your husband. Do you have any other questions for me?"

I shook my head.

"Well, you are going through a lot right now, but you may think of some later. If you have any questions, just let a nurse know and they can reach me. I'll be taking care of her while she's here for the next couple of weeks and you'll meet some of the residents on the team once you come to the unit."

I smiled, nodding. She left the room, closing the door behind her.

A couple of hours and a couple of naps later, I had been moved to a regular post partum room and was getting anxious to see Isabelle. The nurses had searched my belongings for my cell phone as they moved me, but we couldn't find it. I worried that Edward was trying to call it but couldn't get through. Just as I was getting ready to press the call light to be taken to see my daughter, a knock sounded on the door. As I called for the person to come in, I was greeted with numerous pink and white balloons and a large flower bouquet. Ben peaked around one of the large mylar balloons, his smile extending from ear to ear.

"Man, Angela, you look so much better," he chuckled nervously. "You seriously freaked me out yesterday." He walked further into the room, placing the pink roses on a table near the window, then moving to sit near me.

"Thank you, Ben," I smiled, my eyes closing to prevent the tears that were threatening to escape. "For the flowers, balloons, and for saving my life." When I opened my eyes, Ben was leaning over me with a concerned and conflicted look on his face. I blinked, startled at his close proximity.

"Please don't ever scare me like that again," he stated seriously, brushing a stray lock of hair behind my ear. He looked as if he might get emotional and I giggled to ease the sudden tension and intensity of his gaze.

"Believe me, Ben. I don't plan on it."

We fell into easy conversation as we talked about his mom and sister and what he had gone through after my phone call. I felt so bad I had put him in that position, yet so grateful he had been quick and experienced enough to save us.

"Ben, I've been looking for my cell phone but can't find it. I know it was probably a crazy and stressful moment, but do you remember if you picked it up off the floor? I called Alice, but she said she didn't see it in the office."

He nervously glanced down as he reached into his jeans and pulled out my blackberry. I tried not to seem impatient as I grabbed it from his hands, glancing quickly at the screen for missed calls.

"Six?" I said with relief and annoyance in my voice. Oh thank goodness… he called. Two calls from Alice and the rest from Edward…he must be on his way. But then why isn't he back yet? "Ben," I asked. "Why didn't you answer? Everyone has been trying to get in touch with Edward, he's probably worried sick."

I pushed my head back into the pillows, closing my eyes again, trying to hide my disappointment. I was unable to stop the flow of tears this time. It was all just too much.

"Angela," Ben pleaded in almost a whisper as he wiped a tear from my cheek. "Please don't cry."

I opened my eyes to see my friend with a guilty look on his face.

"I did answer. Edward called and I answered your phone. I was upset… I…I basically let him have it for not being there for you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten involved. I was just so…" He exhaled suddenly and sighed. "I'm sorry. He's on his way. He should be here pretty soon."

The news that Edward was on his way both relieved and terrified me. I loved him. I needed him, yet he had hurt me so terribly. I wasn't sure how I could deal with him right now. I wasn't sure what I could possibly say to him now that I knew his secret… how I could possibly pretend.

After getting my emotions under control, I called my nurse to get me ready to go see the baby. Ben was nearly bouncing off the wall when I asked if he wanted to go into the newborn intensive care unit with me.

"I'm sure she'll want to meet the man who saved our lives," I said, as he pushed my wheelchair and poles to the NICU. Saying it as much to myself as to him, I began to feel guilty that Edward wasn't here to see his daughter first.

As we checked in at the front desk, I glanced through the glass wall behind the secretary, wondering if Isabelle was one of the babies in that room. The secretary asked to see my ID bracelet, and as I lifted my arm up for her to check the numbers, I was shocked to see Ben do the same with his arm, a white plastic band adorning his wrist. Raising my eyebrows, I questioned him with my eyes, my mouth hanging open in surprise.

"Ben, what are you doing with that?" I whispered.

Suddenly his face fell, replaced by a guilty and embarrassed expression. "Angela, I'm sorry… I was with you and they just… they just put it on me and I didn't even think about what it meant until right this minute. I…"

"Mr. and Mrs. Masen," the secretary interrupted our whispering as she finished comparing the identification numbers to her book. Your baby is in the room right behind me, just go through the double doors when you hear the beep and wash up at the sink. There are gowns next to the basin."

I opened my mouth to correct her…to tell her Ben wasn't Isabelle's father, but Ben steered my wheelchair away from the desk, toward the door. The receptionish must have pushed a release button, because I heard the doors beep, unlocking just as Ben hit the wall button with his elbow, triggering the doors to open. He pushed me into the prep room and up to the sink. I didn't want to argue with Ben, I would just let it go and we would deal with it once we were back to the maternity floor. I'm sure they can get me another wristband for Edward. Edward doesn't need to know about the mix-up.

After washing our hands and adorning ourselves in the yellow gowns, Ben pushed the wheelchair into the large room filled with isolettes and open warmers. I glanced at all of the beds quickly searching for her name. Then I saw it, "baby girl, Masen" on the third warmer down. I was almost too afraid to look down at the baby on the bed… afraid of what I would find. Ben wheeled me closer, seeing the name just as a nurse was coming to help us. She introduced herself as Isabelle's nurse, leading Ben and me to her bedside.

I was struck with a mix of emotions as I gazed at my tiny baby girl-- love, awe, fear, worry, compassion. The nurse, I think she said her name was Sam, proceeded to talk about Isabelle's day. She explained the purpose for all the tubes and leads covering the miniature body, but I couldn't process a word of it. I just stared at this tiny creature.

Looking at her lying helpless on the warmer, nearly covered with medical interventions, I was taken back to the birth of the twins. They had to go through so much in their weeks in the intensive care unit… I didn't want that for her. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with it all. It was just too much and I started to sob. Ben immediately placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, squeezing as I attempted to gain control of my emotions.

I nearly started crying again when Sam asked if I wanted to hold Isabelle. She had me open my robe and gown a bit so I could hold her skin to skin. I remember holding the twins this way, but panicked that I might hurt her or drop her with all of her tubes and lines… she was just so tiny. I was reassured as two nurses helped pick up Isabelle with all of her gear, placing her onto my chest, then covering her with a blanket. The feel of her rapid heartbeat on mine took my breath away as I stared at her. She's mine…mine and Edward's. Tears of joy and sorrow blended together, running down my cheeks as I thought of this tiny baby and the marriage I was bringing her into. We were no longer living a charmed life... far from it, actually.

Ben leaned over my shoulder so he could see her better. I smiled sadly, wishing it were Edward behind me, seeing his daughter for the first time. Wishing that I didn't know about Edward's other woman. Wishing that my life hadn't changed so drastically in the last twenty-four hours. But at the same time, I was grateful. I was grateful that I was alive and I was holding a miracle… my miracle.

I was startled out of my peaceful moment by a disturbance at the front desk. I glanced up to find the source of the commotion, my breath catching. Edward. He appeared to be fighting with the woman at the front desk, becoming more animated as he spoke, gesturing through the glass. The woman was shaking her head sternly. I glanced behind me to see Ben had turned his back and was engrossed in a conversation with the young nurse. They were laughing, oblivious to the scene on the other side of the window.

Although I couldn't hear the receptionist's response, I knew she was probably telling Edward he couldn't come in as the baby's parents were in with her. She was probably telling him he would have to wait because there were only two visitors at a time. She was probably telling him the baby's dad was already in the nursery.

I watched, fascinated, as he became more and more agitated. He pounded his fist on the desk as she spoke again, gesturing for him to take a seat. He made eye contact with me and started yelling my name over and over. It was like some sort of crazy silent movie where I was so hypnotized that I couldn't pull my eyes away. Edward was reaching his arms out, tears spilling down his cheeks… he was crying out for me, begging me to clear up the misunderstanding. I stared in utter shock, completely helpless to move with Isabelle in my arms, too dumbfounded to speak up. I couldn't help but think of the other wife, Tanya… the woman who had ended my fairytale… smashing my pumpkin carriage to smitherines. I couldn't help but think of her twelve- year marriage to my husband. She was a victim too. She didn't sign up for this any more than I did. But he knew… he betrayed us all. I couldn't help but think of all of Edward's lies… of all of the times I thought he was working but he was really with her… of all the times he missed something important because it was her turn… of all the times he was in her bed instead of mine.

Tears were streaming down my face as I watched a security guard approach Edward with his hands up, attempting to calm him down. I watched as Edward pleaded silently through the glass for me to do something… anything. I watched as the guard grabbed a hold of Edward's arm, pulling him roughly away from the desk. And I watched, mesmerized, as the officer escorted Edward out of my line of sight.