The nightmares had returned with a vengeance the next night after my… encounter in the forest, and this time were joined by the wonderful images of the tree cat managing to finish the job. It made any sleep I got fitful and unsatisfying. There were nights where I would even not sleep at all. Unable or unwilling to do so, I wasn't sure; my mind so scattered that I spent most days in a daze, unable to work up much strength or motivation to do anything. The only thing that kept me from spending the days underneath the blankets were my parents and the monotonous repetition of the day's activities.

I'd gotten good at hiding and faking my emotions in my last life, not something I was exactly proud of, but I could not help it, and it helped me now. I had never been a very open person with others, preferring to keep things close to my chest and deal with them myself for the most part, and the worry that still showed up on my parent's faces when they thought I wasn't paying attention made me certain that sharing the depth of my problems with them would only hurt them more and do little to help. This had all been my fault, after all. My stupidity and fear had got me into the situation and then made it worse.

There was just… I could not do it. I would be ok on my own, eventually. No need to get anyone else involved.

I spent the next three weeks in a dulled, lethargic trance as I went about tending to the garden, or practicing with and learning from Mum when she would drag me into the workshop. My archery fell to the side. I did not have the focus or the care to practice, instead spending the free time laid out in the sun reading. I had initially done it inside, until Mum had gotten sick of me being inside so much and kicked me outside.

She asked me once or twice if I wanted to go hunting again, and I didn't miss the torn looks of relief and disappointment that flashed across her eyes when I said no. That just made me feel even worse and more conflicted.

Going into the forest was… no, it was not something I was going to do on my own for a while yet, if not forever. I even took to only bathing when Mum and Dad did. Whatever awkwardness I felt was drowned out by the fear. The whole time my body felt tense and wound up, and I stuck close to them at all times. It was tiring just going in there, and I sure as hell was not going to do it any more than absolutely necessary.

My trips into town also grew sparse, and I withdrew from my friends when they began to ask too many questions. I… had a fight with Sena, if you could even call it that. It was more like kicking a small puppy, and I felt like a massive dick afterwards. She had noticed the marks, and began to needle me about them. I told her to leave it and not ask, but being Sena she did not listen. She got a little too close to the truth in her guessing, and I reacted... badly.

It ended with a stupidly childish shouting match and Sena using some… choice words to describe how stupid I was. It was far, far from the worst I had ever heard, but by kid standards it was pretty rude. I was surprised and apparently so were the other centaurs around at the time. She got in a hell of a lot of trouble for that from her parents, though, and hadn't spoken to me since. It...it hurt, and I wanted to apologize, but I could not work myself up to do so. Especially since I was not even really at fault. Sena was the one who kept pushing.

After that, I spent the nights before my hunting trips with John, staying in either Mira or Aelle's family rooms instead.

My lessons with John were, at first, the only part of my life that hadn't felt like it changed since I had been hurt. He was the same gruff asshole as always, and if he noticed the marks he did not comment on them. It felt good to work out my stress and tension by shooting arrows at a target over and over again. Imagining it as the cat also helped a fair bit.

Until, it was time for the next hunting session.

I barely made it into the forest before I had a minor panic attack.

I had frozen, my breath catching in my throat and my hearts pounding hard enough that I feared they might break through my ribs and go bouncing away. My head had began to spin, and I'd felt sick and light-headed. I had to fight to stop myself from hyperventilating and bolting back out the way I came.

Even after I'd gotten some semblance of control back, the whole time I was twitchy, paranoid and couldn't properly track a single thing. John had been more than a little annoyed. Shockingly, beyond a dressing down and telling me to try harder and focus, he said nothing else. No mention of how twitchy I was, or anything. It was a pretty big relief.

The next few times I didn't panic as badly, and even managed to track and take down a few animals. But, it still wasn't the best I could do and I knew that. It was frustrating and just made me feel even worse. Eventually, I knew something had to give.

When I show up at John's, I am more than a little thrown off to find him sitting on the ground waiting for me, without any of his hunting gear. I slow down as I approach, wary and confused. I do not like this. It was a deviation from the norm, and with everything feeling like it could fall apart at any moment, this other change to something I thought was stable was upsetting. Even worse, I can not read the blank expression he currently has as he watches me.

I take more time than necessary to reach him, but eventually I have no choice but to get close. I step lightly, my head and ears flicking and my body turned to the side just slightly as I force down the instinct to do any nervous prancing.

"Um, you did want me to come today, right?"

John nods, his face not changing. "Yes, I did. Sit down, Kid."

"Aren't we, uh, going to go hunting?" I rub my arm and shift on my hooves awkwardly. I would take the tension of that over the discomfort of this.

The hunter shook his head. "Not today. We got to talk. I won't say it again, Kid. Sit."

I am sorely tempted to just turn and run, go back home and read some more. I am pretty certain I know what this is going to be about. I am actually surprised it took him this long to say something, even if I would rather he did not at all.

Instead, I step forward hesitantly and sit.

I have barely even settled when John starts speaking. "Mind telling me why you've decided that you're going to fuck around and not try recently, Kid? And don't say it's nothing, or that you aren't 'cause you're not as good at hiding things as you probably believe you are. And I'd have to be blind to miss what look like were claw marks on your hide."

At their mention, my hands mindlessly reach back to run over the spots on my hide where the hair was still growing back; what was left of the wounds after Mum had used a healing potion on me while I was unconscious. It still amazes what it had done. I just wish it had grown the hair back as well. I could not hide them and I had received a lot of uncomfortable looks and questions about them.

John continues on like I had not even reacted. "You've been jumpy, skittish and not been puttin' in the effort you should. So, start talkin'."

My tail and ears flick in agitation as the sick feeling in my gut and chests grows which is joined by a small burn ember of anger, making me frown. "And why should I? You are not my Dad."

"No, I'm not. But I am your teacher, and you are my apprentice, so lose the damn attitude. You came to me to learn, and if you're just going to waste my time then, like I said at the beginning, you can piss off and find someone else. This isn't a game, Kid."

I snort and meet his hard gaze. My answer is sharp and angry. "You think I do not know that?"

How dare he act like I am not taking this seriously. I had experienced things he could never even imagine. He did not know what I was going through, what I had faced. What I had to live with. My anger fed on itself and grew hotter and hotter.

"I think there is a lot of things you don't know, Kid. And this is one of them. So what, you had a bad run-in with somethin' in the forest, so now you're going to curl up like a coward and hide?" John leans forward and looks me dead in the eye, his face still unreadable. "You thought you could do somethin' like this and just be safe and everything would be fine? Grow up, Kid."

I open my mouth, ready to call him out. Tell him to go fuck himself, that I was way older than I seemed and understood a hell of a lot more than he thinks. But, even with my burning anger I manage to control myself and stop it from slipping out just in time. I did not want to spill my biggest secret, I had to get my anger under control. I shut my mouth and take a deep breath, looking down at the ground. Tears prick the corners of my eyes as my anger is snuffed out and all the fear and sick, heavy emotions I had been containing rush in to fill the empty space before I can build my walls back up.

I slump forward and let out a shuddering sigh, my hand coming up to cover my face. I fight to stop the sobs that start to wrack my chest, forcing them down to just quiet whimpers and a heaving chest. "It is… I can not..."

I jerk in surprise as I feel an arm come down around my shoulder and a large, rough hand began to pat my back. It did not really hurt, but I sure felt it. "Easy, Kid. Just let it out."

I cried quietly, until finally I had nothing left in me and everything was drained; leaving me tired and feeling a little better. God, I have been crying so much lately. I wonder if my body is influencing me, making me more childish or something.

I wipe my face, and then wipe my hands on the grass to try and get rid of the snot and tears that covered them. Sniffling and with my ears still hanging low, I look up at the hunter. For the first time since I had known him, his face held something that could be possibly somewhere in the realm of 'soft', or at least softer than his usual expressions. Even his voice and tone were lower, more comforting, if only just. "Tell me what's been going on, Kid. I have a feeling I know what, and I can relate. But I need to hear it from you."

Well, what did I have to lose? John was not a friend, barely an acquaintance, and so it would not affect him or me much. And… it would be nice to just tell someone. Get it out in the open. Nodding demurely, I began to tell him what happened.

Telling him what happened was... not as hard as I had thought it would be. I guess several weeks of nightmares and a good cry were enough to drain me enough to not really care at the time. He did not say anything while I spoke; just sittinh across from me and listening.

Once I finish, I lapse into silence; which John makes no move to break. He seems to be thinking, staring at me as if looking into me. It was pretty intense and uncomfortable. Finally, he nods.

"I figured it was something like that. Look… Nilas-" I shift back slightly in shock at that. He had never once called me anything but Kid. "-I could easily tell you all the stupid things you did wrong. Even your mother made some stupid mistakes that she should have known better about. But, I'm pretty sure you already know them, considerin' the way you've been. You are a fucking idiot, though. Especially for chasing the deer and getting the Cath's attention."

I snort, but it does not have any real anger behind it. Thanks for that John. I swear I see the edge of his mouth turn up minutely.

"But, honestly, Kid? We've all been there. We all made mistakes and did stupid things when we were younger, and you're what, not even two months yet?" I nod at that. "Shit, Kid. At that age I was still hanging off my mother's breast and shitting myself." Didn't really need that mental image of John. Ugh. "Even with how fast you centaurs grow, that is something else."

John shakes his head. "Look, I know it's scary and you feel overwhelmed and scared. But there's really only one way to fix that shit, and that's by facing it. Ain't not use ignoring it, same way you don't ignore a festering wound. It'll just eat you from the inside out, and you're too young for that."

He grins. Honest to god, grins. I am not sure how to react. "You got to be at least my age first."

I laugh, surprised he actually made a joke, and he lets out a short bark of his own laughter as well. Shaking his head, he coughs. "Alright, touchy feel shit over. Now, you fucked up. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to hide and cry again, or are you going to learn from your mistakes and do better next time."

I look down at the ground, my brow furrowed and lips pursed. Is it really that easy? Just tell myself to stop being scared and do better next time? Probably not, but you have to start somewhere right?

I nod to myself, feeling a small trickle of determination and drive begin to to surface. I could do this. I am a monster! There are not many things I could not do if I put my mind to it! I could literally grow to wield the fucking elements themselves! I could become a fucking demi-god! I could do this!

John chuckles. "I'll take that as a yes to doing better, then."

I look up at him, confused, before I realise that a massive grin is stretched across my face. I can feel the hot, burning sensation of excitement and adrenaline flooding me. My hearts begin to beat faster and harder, but this time not from fear or worry.

Fuck you life! I am not going to take your shit! I am going to become a fucking badass! There will not be dying for me anytime soon!

I nod, still grinning. "Yeah. I can do better."