Jim felt her watching him all the way back to his place. Her undivided attention continued as they settled in, sharing a bottle of his best Scotch. He couldn't quite grasp why she was so focused on him and it was beginning to be very uncomfortable. Finally, after his second shot, he looked at her, "What?"
She smirked and shook her head. "You," she replied enigmatically, glancing down to her drink as she did.
"Look, we played enough games back in the day, Nancy. I never was very good at reading minds, especially yours…just out with it. What's on your mind?"
"Just…you've changed."
Jim snorted. It's been twenty damn years…yeah, I've changed." He swirled the last bit of drink in his glass and downed it.
"Yeah…but…you've really changed. You… you never woulda let Ellie go with that woman before," she said as she watched him pour another.
"And I still wouldn't if I thought I had any choice. But she sure wasn't coming home with her dear old dad and I don't want her back on the street. Besides, maybe Heather can help her…talk some sense on a level that Ellie will get."
"Because she's been there…"
Jim shook his head, aggravated. "No, she hasn't been there, at least not where Ellie was. But she does understand where Ellie is. And Heather's had her low points too…" Jim's mind drifted off to the memory of her sitting despondently in her parlor, the rope bruises still raw around her neck. He'd felt sorry for her that day, real sympathy. He'd never thought of Heather like that before, as someone who deserved any sympathy, but he'd seen a different side of her and maybe understood her a little better. Her daughter's death had hurt, cut her deeply and custody of her granddaughter going to her ex had been brutal. But even in her own grief, she was still trying in her own twisted way to help the kid. Jim had understood that.
Nancy watched him as he faded away and was curious. "Where are you, Jimmy?"
Pulled from that memory, Jim looked up at her with a glare. "Where you going with this, Nancy?"
Looking down at her glass, Nancy sighed. "I don't know really. I just…you're different and I feel like I haven't changed at all. We made a mess of things Jimmy but at least you took something away from it…learned something. Me….I dunno."
Grimacing at the pain in her tone, Jim reached over and covered her hand with his huge paw. "Still learning, Nancy. We both are. Our breakup tore me up inside, you know. I kind of stumbled my way through things for awhile and didn't really care what was happening around me. Just stuck my tail between my legs and tried to keep from getting hurt. Trouble was, I was hurting a lot of people along the way. Little by little it began to sink in through my hard head and I started to look around and see the damage. It hurt. But yeah, I grew from it."
"But you never…I mean, you're not married."
"No, I wanted nothing to do with any woman who seemed to be thinking that way for a long time. Played around…a lot. It was just…easier. Besides, I haven't really met anyone…" he sighed deeply.
"You know, I can still tell when you're lying." Her eyes nailed him.
He glanced away quickly but then looked at her again. "Yeah, well… nothing was ever going to come of it so I never said anything."
"Who was she?"
Jim shrugged and sighed. "Somebody I used to work with; what about you? Anybody special?"
"I dated a few guys …some kind of serious. But no, I…well, like you said, nothing was ever going to come of any of it."
"Yeah," he said as he poured them both another round. "You know, a couple of years ago I was investigating a murder…a friend's wife was the prime suspect and I just knew she was having an affair with the vic. She kept saying she wasn't and my friend kept saying it wasn't possible. But I wouldn't let it go. I let my own anger and bitterness cloud my judgment and I nearly blew the case. Turned out she wasn't the killer and she wasn't having an affair. Had a lot of apologizing to do after. But it made me see how I had to let it go…all of it. I'd been carrying it around with me for too long."
Nancy smiled. "Yeah…I'm glad you could see it. Took me a long time too. But…"
"But what?"
"One thing I didn't let go of…" she said softly, almost shyly.
Jim leaned back in his chair, unsure if he wanted to know anymore. But he was a detective and damn it, detectives ask questions. "Didn't let go of what, Nancy?"
She tilted her head, lifting her eyes to meet his. "I still love you, Jimmy."
Jim blinked and took a deep breath. Looking across at her, he knew how she was hoping he would respond although he couldn't understand why. In fact, none of the conversation was making much sense to him. Maybe they'd had too much to drink, he mused. Maybe he'd heard wrong? Closing his eyes again, he did an internal survey. No, he wasn't drunk and…yeah, she'd said it. Opening his eyes, he saw disappointment in hers.. He had to say something.
"Look Nancy, I um… I…well, I'm kinda floundering here."
"It's okay Jimmy. I don't know what I was thinking…saying that. Of course you don't…it's been years and …and…Well, things change."
Feeling like a louse, Jim frowned. "Honey, you know how bad it got between us. Do you really want to risk going there again?"
"You saying you'd cheat on me again?"
"I don't know. Would you cheat on me again?" he fired back.
That brought tears to her eyes. "I…you're right…this is a bad idea."
The tears that gathered in her eyes weren't lost on him. "Nancy, we can't go back. And I'm sure you've carried around the wounds as much as I have. Too much has happened…and not happened between us …I'm sorry but love doesn't mean much without trust. And that's what killed us in the first place…no trust."
She looked at him sadly. "You're right. I didn't trust you…all those long nights when you were on the job, I imagined…well, you know…." She sighed. "And so I…I did what I thought you were doing to me. And you found out and it all just went down from there. Then you fulfilled my worst nightmares and really did have an affair."
"Yeah, well…it was kind of frosty at home by then…" he muttered. Geez, how did they end up here, he wondered. He'd tried to keep things….neutral between them. But she was dredging up old wounds.
"I know…and I know as soon as you found out that I was pregnant you ended it. What I never understood was why you stuck it out with me at all after that. You could've just left; nobody would've blamed you after it got out about Ellie."
"I stuck it out because even though I wasn't the sperm donor, Ellie resulted from the mess we made, you and me. I was as much to blame as you. And besides, after she was born…when I saw her….it was like she was mine. She is mine, Nancy," he emphasized as he looked at her, his eyes declaring the sincerity of his words. "I made a mess out of being her dad but she is my daughter and I love her and…I just want her to be okay."
"Yeah, I know," she whispered. Then looking across at him her expression changed to a softer one. "Okay, so we got no future. But right now, tonight… do ya think…could we have just tonight?"
Jim sat up straighter, looking at her taken aback. "You want…" Shaking his head as if it might make some sense out of it all, he frowned. "I'm not sure what you're asking, Nancy."
"Stay with me tonight?" Then looking around the room and realizing it was his house, she revised her question. "Or rather, let me stay with you?"
Jim couldn't deny the appeal her suggestion held. He hadn't admitted it in years but the last few days had made him realize he did still love her in a dark foreboding kind of way. And she was still beautiful; there was no denying that at all. But would he be able to handle it tomorrow? As he gazed across at her, he couldn't answer his own question.
Sorry about the cliffy but it is where I wanted to leave things...for now, lol. After watching both my parents and grandparents battle, divorce, and continue to battle I am convinced of the fine line between love and hate, passion and anger. I think that if two people pair up and love one another enought to commit to a lifetime together then no matter what happens after, no matter how ugly things might become, there is always this spark between them...a little bit of hope that dwells deep within that won't quite ever go away. I watched my grandfather collapse when word came that my grandmother had died, even though they'd been divorced for thirty years and she'd never had a kind word to say to him or about him after they split. And I remember watching her face light up whenever he showed up, only to have her usual sullen expression return before he would see. I also watched as my parents were drawn together and pulled apart like two strong magnets, never really quite able to make a complete break. It caused a lot of anguish for us all and yet taught me what a tremendous force love is in our lives. But like Jim and Nancy, my parents never really trusted one another and love was not enough to overcome that.