Chapter 9: Love that doesn't Hurt

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I cannot be calm nor at peace under the touch of another's hands. For years I lived in torment, pain and heartbreak the only things that registered with my captor's touch. Until pleasure was forgotten, softness felt the same as stings and all gentleness was lost to fear of the pain I expected would follow. But you would not leave me alone in the darkness. Your hand captured mine and led me along a brighter path. You reminded me of the lighter things, of the softness of flower petals, the gentle brushings of the passing breeze…and even when we entered the darkness again, our way was lit with stars and a full moon.

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Renji watched quietly as Byakuya tucked Akane into bed, then followed him back to their room. As they stepped inside and closed the door behind them, Renji looked from the single king size bed and back to Byakuya again.

"Hey," he said quietly, "are you…sure about this? You know, we don't have to share if you don't want to. There are enough rooms."

Byakuya looked up at him, questioningly.

"Would you rather we did not share a bed, Renji?" he asked, his voice betraying nothing of his thoughts.

"Would you?" Renji asked in response, "I mean, you've been through a lot…"

"And you think that it was a mistake for us to become intimate as we did in the healing center?" Byakuya countered.

Renji sighed and took his hands, sitting down on the bed and drawing Byakuya down next to him.

"It's because of what I said…at the end…isn't it?" the noble queried in a soft voice.

Renji shook his head.

"It isn't that at all, Byakuya. I don't give a damn about that. But I do care about you…and you still have a lot to deal with. I don't want to do anything that will get in the way of that."

"Meaning you don't think we should sleep together? Or that we simply should agree not to have sex?"

Renji gave him a sad smile.

"I don't know if it's possible to sleep next to you, feeling how I do about you…and not want to make love with you."

Byakuya bit at his upper lip and Renji read the hurt in his features.

"Very well…then I'll bid you good night, Renji. Please leave me so that I can rest. It has…been a long day."

"But we need to talk…"

"Not now," Byakuya whispered, "just go…please."

Hearing the finality in the noble's voice, Renji released his hands and rose. He walked to the door and paused, looking back at Byakuya.

"If you need me during the night…"

"Who do you think you're talking to?" Byakuya asked with a coldness that Renji knew was entirely forced, "I managed to survive in Aizen Sousuke's hands for five years without running to you…I can manage to sleep alone tonight. Go, Renji."

And beneath the fiercely proud features, Renji could see the heartbreak he had caused. He wondered if he was doing the right thing. But right or wrong, he realized that by refusing Byakuya, he had yielded the right to complain about the fallout. He turned quietly and left the room, closing the door softly behind him. He tried not to notice the soft, clipped sob that sounded in the room as he left.

Knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep, Renji slipped outside and found Ichigo where he stood guard. Ichigo nodded silently in greeting, watching as Renji sat down on a large boulder and turned toward the darkened beach below the safe house.

"You look like a guy with a lot on his mind," commented Ichigo.

"Yeah, well, I don't have even close to as much to deal with as some," Renji said in a low, tired voice.

"Byakuya isn't handling things so well, is he…" he offered quietly.

"Fuck, I don't know! How should a person handle what he's been through? That sick bastard!" Renji hissed, tears coming to his eyes, "Did you know he set the whole thing up? That he used our own spies to set Byakuya's group up to be decimated? Then he took him and put him through hell for five fucking years, Ichigo! I can't even imagine! And the one thing he had to hold on to that whole time was our daughter…a daughter he made to remind him of me…"

"Kisuke told me," Ichigo said, nodding, "I'm sorry, Renji."

"Did you know I almost couldn't let him go that morning? Something inside me was screaming that I shouldn't let him go…that I shouldn't leave his side. But he drew his battle plans based on Aizen's planted information. That son of a bitch knew Byakuya would have to separate us…he wanted us separated…irrespective of whatever might be between us…because he knew I wouldn't let anything near my taichou…I would've died protecting him…and he would have gotten away."

"Hey," said Ichigo bracingly, "you don't know that, Renji. You don't know that your being with him would have made any kind of difference."

"Yeah…I do. I feel it, Ichigo…inside. And it makes me sick to think about it."

"Renji," Ichigo said quietly, "It won't do you or Byakuya any good to have you sit here second guessing yourself. He needs you right now."

"He told me to leave."

"What?" asked Ichigo, frowning, "Why?"

"I, uh…thought that, considering he's got so much to deal with…that I wouldn't be helping him by staying with him tonight. I didn't want to confuse him…mess things up even more."

"So…you wouldn't share the room with him…"

"No, I was worried he'd want to…make love. He's not ready for that."

"But you think he would have wanted to?"

"He did when he was in the healing center, but it was so fucked up! Hell, he practically impaled himself on me…like he couldn't feel the pain, you know…and he…he called out that bastard's name. Ichigo…he's really messed up inside, and I don't fucking know how to help him!"

Ichigo looked at him with an understanding expression.

"And do you think you're helping him by leaving him alone to deal with all of this shit?" he asked softly.

Renji held his eyes for a long moment.

"Renji," Ichigo said reprovingly, "Get your ass back inside and fix things. Just…stay with him…and keep it in your pants…and I think you two will be all right."

"You're a fine one to talk about keeping it in your pants…" quipped Renji half-heartedly, "I saw you and Kisuke…"

"Shut up, Renji! Get the hell outta here!" Ichigo said, chuckling softly.

Forcing a smile, Renji climbed to his feet and returned to the beach house. He walked slowly up the steps, listening to the waves crash onto the beach and the hiss of the receding foam. He took a few long, deep breaths before stepping inside the house and closing the door. He took his time moving down the silent hall, then stopped at Byakuya's door, listening.

He heard the sound of the shower…

He knocked lightly, then tried the door. Finding it open, he slipped into the room and walked to the bathroom. The sound of the water stopped and he could hear the swishing of clothing being set in place. A moment later, the door opened and Byakuya stepped out of the bathroom. He looked at Renji silently and the redhead could see the redness in his eyes, the circles underneath, the signs of strain everywhere.

"What do you want, Renji?" he said, finally, his expression icy and too calm, "It's quite late. You should be sleeping."

"Yeah…I know…but…I just…I felt like I handled things badly before. I was an idiot."

Byakuya stood stock-still, gazing at him wordlessly.

"I just didn't know what I should do…you know? I've never…dealt with shit like this before. And I know you haven't either. So…I think we're both pretty unsure about what the right thing is here. I really don't know…but I do know it's wrong to leave you alone right now. I know you're strong enough to handle it," he said, looking into the dark, stormy gray eyes, "I know you don't need someone like me who hasn't got a fucking clue what to do to help you. But…I love you, Byakuya…and I think what I said before was a mistake. I want to stay with you…here…if that's okay."

Byakuya stood, frozen and nearly expressionless, looking into Renji's eyes calmly and giving no sign of what he might be thinking. And Renji remembered suddenly why Byakuya had always scared him on some level…even when he fell in love with his taichou. He had never expected Byakuya to return his affection, just like now…he didn't expect the man to forgive him and allow him to stay. He could be excruciatingly cold outwardly when he wanted to be…though Renji understood that when he was, it was usually as a means of protecting his surprisingly vulnerable heart.

Still…there was the potential for heavy damage here…

Renji held his breath.

"Renji," Byakuya said finally, "you were right before. If you stay, we are likely to end up making love…and you are also correct in thinking that it would be wrong for us to do that while I am attempting to recover control of my senses. You didn't do anything wrong."

He turned toward the bed, then looked back over his shoulder.

"Go and get some rest, Renji. I will be all right. We will talk in the morning."

Renji sighed sadly.

"Okay, Taichou…" he said, touching Byakuya's shoulder as he moved closer to kiss him good night.

He froze, staring as Byakuya flinched, caught his breath sharply and pulled away. He stood for a moment with his eyes closed, then took a breath and opened them again. He met Renji's eyes warily.

"My apologies…I don't know…"

He fell silent as Renji took hold of the tie at his waist and pulled it free before the noble could object. The yukata fell away, revealing extensive patches of red, tormented skin. Byakuya's lips thinned and he pulled the yukata back in place and tied it again.

"Will you please leave?" he asked, his eyes lowered, "I would like to be alone."

Renji stepped in closer and slipped a hand under his chin, raising his eyes.

"You're hurt. I'm not leaving that way. Sit down."

And for some reason Renji couldn't fathom, Byakuya simply turned, walked back to the bed and sat down. He released the tie again and let the soft yukata slip down off of his shoulders. Renji forced himself not to respond to the disturbing sight of the raw, red flesh…the spots of blood. He sat down beside the noble and sent healing power through his hands and into Byakuya's wounds. He said nothing…feeling that there wasn't anything that could be said anyway. They both knew why the wounds were there…what had caused Byakuya to wash himself so furiously as to draw his own blood. So he quickly and quietly healed all of the rawness of back and chest, then carefully examined the rest of his body and healed any cut or abrasion he could find. When he was done, he set the light yukata back in place, tied it and got up briefly to turn out the lights. He moved back to the bed and slid in beneath the covers, wrapping his body warmly around Byakuya's and saying nothing. He was nearly asleep when the noble's voice rose up out of the darkness.

"Arigato, Renji…aishiteru yo."

"Aishiteru yo," Renji whispered back, pulling the hair gently away from his throat and pressing his lips to the white flesh.

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Aizen Sousuke studied the gates carefully and sighed discontentedly. They wouldn't be able to follow. He was relatively certain of that.

"But you haven't gotten free of me, Byakuya. I own you, body and soul. I invested five long years in breaking your spirit and making you mine. I am not about to let this crew of misfits take you away from me."

He looked back at the waiting Arrancar.

"Station yourselves down here on this room and seal it off from the rest of the shop up there. Remain here and capture anyone who comes back through here…not that I think they will, but just in case. Bring any prisoners to me."

He turned away and frowned, spotting something shiny on the ground. Bending over, he picked up the silver chain and studied the sakura blossom that remained attached despite the broken clasp. He slipped it into his breast pocket, blinking slowly.

"What is this?" Byakuya asked, staring down at the box Aizen set in front of him.

"Open it," Aizen said quietly, "It is my first anniversary gift to you."

He watched, smiling, as the noble slowly opened the small black box and lifted the sakura pendant up to look at it. His face showed no expression and his hand trembled slightly, as though he suspected all was not as it should be. Byakuya knew better than to trust what appeared at the surface of anything.

"Here, let me put that on you," Aizen offered, stepping forward.

He slipped the chain around the graceful white throat and fastened the clasp. Byakuya looked into the mirror silently, looking at the sakura blossom with eyes that longed to hold hope in them, but already knew too well the danger of hoping.

"Come now, what do you think?" Aizen asked.

"It is…lovely, Sousuke…but…"

"But what? I told you before, Byakuya. As long as you obey me, there is no reason for our marriage to be completely without happiness."

He gazed into the mirror at the dark, reticent eyes, the tension in the slender body, enjoying the setup.

"Of course, this pendant, like all gifts I give is not only pretty to look at…"

He almost laughed at the fear that flashed in the noble's eyes one moment too late.

"It is useful as well."

He touched the pendant and Byakuya's eyes glazed over and he sank softly into his spouse's arms. Aizen lifted him and carried him to the bed, then set him on his stomach and entered him roughly from behind.

"It allows me to gain instant control when I desire it…saving us endless amounts of time arguing. If you displease me…I merely touch this and all is well again. Your body gives in to me…and I do as I will…no argument. It will save you pain because you will no longer resist to the point of earning my displeasure…so…you see, Byakuya, there is something in this for both of us…"

He sank into the wonderfully warm flesh, teasing and tormenting with his hands and mouth as his body forcefully claimed the one trapped beneath it...

And when he was finished, he was pleased to note that the pendant maintained such control that despite how painful he had made the experience, not a single tear was present in the glazed, dark eyes.

He looked one last time at the gate Byakuya had passed through, then turned and left the training ground.