Chapter 10: Remembering What Love Feels Like
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We cannot recapture the time we lost. Torn apart, but longing for each other, we spent years in agony. We whispered each other's names on the wind, closing our eyes and trying to find again what was lost…but the only direction we can move in is forward. And the only way we can do this is to let go of the past. Even having forgotten what it feels like to hold you in my arms, I remember that I loved you…and I know that love is still there beneath my skin, waiting for you to call it back to life…
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Byakuya felt Renji's wonderful warmth against his back and his mind drifted toward sleep. As the sleep overtook him, his heart returned to where it had left him five years before.
"Renji…I want you to come to bed with me…"
Renji stood, still pressed back against the bedroom door, his heart racing softly beneath Byakuya's fingertips. And the noble could see the desire burning in his eyes, only held back by fear of rejection…of being hurt by someone he had loved for a very long time, but never dared to approach. And for years, he had waited and watched the redhead, reading the passion that rested beneath the surface, waiting to be ignited. And he wasn't sure why he had been able to abandon his own insecurities, but somewhere deep down inside, the noble felt the irrepressible feeling that the time had come to move forward. He held a trembling and breathless Renji against the door and studied his flaring brown eyes, the slightly parted lips, lightly flushed cheeks and softly heaving breast…and Kuchiki Byakuya knew well that it was now or never. He slipped a hand into Renji's and pulled gently. Renji took a step with him, then hesitated.
"T-taichou…are you…sure?" he said in a very soft, very un-Renji-like whisper.
It might have been the softest, quietest sound the redhead had ever made. He was gazing at Byakuya with a hungry, yet overwhelmed look, as though he didn't quite believe the words that had come from his taichou's lips and needed to hear them again. And for once, Byakuya found himself not only willing, but aching to repeat himself.
"I am sure, Renji. I want you to come to bed with me."
Renji hesitated for a moment longer, then followed him across the room to the soft, comfortable bed that waited with the covers already turned down. He heard the redhead catch his breath softly and turned to meet the lovely brown eyes again.
"Are you…all right?" he asked quietly, "If you are having second thoughts, then you should speak them now, Renji. I think if we go one step more over this line we have crossed, there will be no going back."
"Oh…Taichou," Renji went on, his words tumbling out a bit haphazardly, "I didn't mean to…I mean, I am sure, I just…well…I haven't…done this kind of thing before…with a guy, I mean."
Byakuya smirked and saw the blush on Renji's cheeks and throat deepen sweetly.
"Did you think I had?" he asked softly.
"Yes…I mean, no…I…"
Byakuya nipped the words away from the redhead's lips and felt him shiver. He parted his lips and met Renji open mouthed and hungry. The words melted away and Byakuya felt his fukutaichou's arms close around him, bringing their bodies close together and raising the intensity of the heat that was building between them. He reached up and curled his fingers around Renji's head, sinking them into the still-damp hair and holding him as he sank deeper and deeper into that wonderfully heated mouth. He had wondered for so long what it would taste like…and it was better, sweeter than he could have imagined…and every time he thought to pull away, he felt himself grow hungry again. He couldn't let go, but plunged into the lovely depths of Renji's mouth again and again.
He didn't remember having fallen, but he suddenly found himself lying on his back with the redhead's body pressing down on his and their hips moving against each other. Somehow their yukatas had fallen away and Byakuya was stricken with the delicious sensation of flesh against flesh. He felt a blush rising on his face…and realized suddenly that while lovemaking between his late wife and himself had been gentle, sweet and exceedingly pleasant, what was happening between Renji and him was something of a more fiery and passionate nature. He wasn't so much being kissed as eagerly devoured…and they weren't simply enjoying holding each other, but were plunging headfirst into something far more extreme…something on the verge of recklessness. He broke away from Renji's mouth and took a breath, then felt it swept away as his fukutaichou's lips found their way to his throat. Something…perhaps the fact that it was nearly always wrapped in the ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu…made the skin there sensitive. The heat and suction sent dizzying waves of sensation through his body, forcing the tension out and leaving it light and pliable in his lover's hands. His head tilted back of its own accord and he could hear deep, breathy moans escaping his lips as his back arched, then his hips thrust upward into Renji's. This wasn't at all what Kuchiki Byakuya had expected…it surpassed that and became so much more…
"Renji…" he moaned, his hands sliding down the redhead's strong back, curling around his round bottom and dragging his hips in deeper, "Renji…"
He wanted badly to do more. He had thought to explore his fukutaichou slowly from head to toe, touching and tasting the lovely tattooed flesh at a slower pace…but this…this…he couldn't stop Renji now. The wonderfully warm hands were touching him everywhere, the shyness gone out of him…any hesitation vanquished. His tongue slid over one erect nipple and Byakuya felt his body rise up against Renji's…and heard a sound of pleasure he knew he would never have dared to make. But he was completely undone and relieved of his barriers…loosed from all boundaries and restrictions…and suddenly fear crept into his heart.
Because he was noble and he wasn't supposed to relinquish control to anyone…
He wasn't supposed to loose his inner desires…
His body was always to stand tall, stiff and proud…never to bend this way…
He wasn't supposed to feel such deep emotion…wasn't supposed to feel…
And he was never, never supposed to allow his body to surrender to the dictates of his heart…
He shivered and released a cry of intense pleasure as the redhead's tongue dipped into his navel…and he realized that no one…no one had ever touched him like this…and oh kami! He wanted to be touched in this way over and over again. But only touched and pleasured and loved by this man's hands, this man's mouth.
And that mouth was continuing to work its way downward. There was a moment of pause and the feel of warm breath against skin that had never been offered to anyone's lips. He would never have asked it of Hisana and there had been no one else. No one else had dared get that close. But Renji was that close…and Byakuya found his breath taken away in a heartbeat as that hungry, devouring mouth closed the distance and wrapped around him, leaving Kuchiki Byakuya in the most vulnerable position he had ever been in. His body was shaking and he felt himself nearing release, but a hand tightened suddenly around the base of his thickened member, pulling him back and holding him suspended on the edges of bliss as pleasure moved into the realm of sweet torment.
Byakuya knew, then and there, that if this was ever turned against him…it was the most effective form of torture there was. Words were firing themselves from his lips and he cringed at the fact that he was asking…no…pleading for Renji go even farther. His heart had taken over completely…and emotion spilled out heedlessly, recklessly…wantonly.
But he didn't care anymore…
He found himself gazing heatedly down the length of his yielded flesh and meeting the eyes of the only one ever to conquer him this way…and he saw Renji's mouth pull away from him, watched as the magnificently beautiful tattooed body rose up over his. He found himself shaking again…and waiting for the questioning touch on his thighs, the soft pressure of the redhead's hand seeking his permission. There was no question in his mind that he would, of course give it. Renji had his heart now. He could not deny the man any part of him now.
But Renji surprised him again in yet another way that he had never expected. The redhead's strong thighs parted and straddled his trapped body. And with maddening slowness, he positioned himself and took Byakuya into his body, inch by inch…moving in short, careful thrusts until he was fully entrenched. Even then, he paused and looked down into Byakuya's eyes…and he was beautifully flushed and smiling. Not in the clumsy, awkward way he had before, but in the way of a lover…one meeting the eyes of his beloved and pouring all of his heart into that visual exchange. Suddenly Byakuya was aware of how he must look, bared of body, his mind overtaken, everything made slave to the wants of his heart…nothing held back…He could feel himself panting, his breast rising and falling…and the dampness of sweat on his skin, the feeling as if he was in fever. He knew he must be blushing horribly. And when Renji spoke to him, tears rose in his eyes, and he caught his breath in surprise.
"You're so damned beautiful this way, Taichou…" he whispered, "I've never been this close to anything so beautiful in all of my life."
"But…why?" he heard himself whisper back, "Why didn't you…?"
Renji leaned down and captured his lips in a long, sensuous kiss that left him aching for more.
"Because…" he replied softly, "you're my taichou…and I just thought that you would want it this way…"
"Renji…I…don't think of us like that…not here. I'm not your taichou here. I am your lover, Byakuya. And I want you to call me by that name…and I want to be taken as often as taking. That is the only way that I want this to be."
The dark brown eyes sparkled with happiness and their lips met again in a flurry of light kisses.
"Byakuya…" Renji whispered between kisses, "Byakuya, my lover!"
He lifted his upper body away and began to move his hips in a slow, hypnotic dance atop Byakuya's body. And the noble found himself entranced by the sway of his torso, the swirl of tattoos that moved with him, the half-dazed expression.
He reached down between them and found Renji's inflamed arousal, watching as the pleasure rippled through his lover's muscular body and he practically howled with delight. The sight of him was so erotic, Byakuya couldn't stand it anymore. In a swift turn, he toppled Renji, threw him down on his back and plunged into him again and again. They were both moaning and panting, and he felt the redhead's strong legs lock around him. He bit down on the long tattooed throat, sucking deeply, tracing the dark lines with his tongue as he made himself one with Renji's body. He felt that sensuous body stiffen and arch beneath him as he found the center of pleasure deep inside him and thrust into it re[eatedly. Renji's howls rose into screams of pleasure and that exotically beautiful body writhed beneath him as he took them both over the edge and falling into bliss the likes of which he had never experienced before. Hot seed exploded out of Renji and onto their trembling bodies as Byakuya shuddered and emptied himself into the redhead's seething core.
The noble collapsed onto his lover's chest, dizzy, breathless and happier than he had ever been in his entire life. He felt tears of joy and hadn't the energy left to try to stop them. Fortunately, Renji appeared to be too exhausted and overjoyed himself to notice. He did, however, notice something Byakuya had missed entirely. Warm fingers traced the noble's lips and Renji shifted to look at his face.
"Oh my kami, Renji, please don't move!" Byakuya whispered against the redhead's chest.
"Sorry, Taichou…Byakuya…it's just that, well, I wanted to see your smile…" Renji whispered back.
After that, Byakuya couldn't stop smiling. He fell asleep, held tightly in the redhead's arms, the smile still on his face.
When he opened his eyes again, Renji was still holding him against his chest and it felt so natural for him to rest his head there that he didn't want to move. But the starshine coming in through the window lit his skin and Byakuya couldn't help but stare at the contrast of golden brown and depthless black. His hand slipped free of Renji's and soft fingertips traced the markings on his forehead, then touched his hair gently. He shifted in Renji's arms and brought his lips to the redhead's tattooed throat, his tongue extending to tease the black-marked skin with light brushes, then deeper, longer licks. He felt Renji move and hands curl around him, pulling him closer, encouraging him to touch and explore. He followed the lovely, hypnotic lines down the redhead's throat, feeling the strong pulse quicken beneath his questing lips.
He pulled free and lifted himself, then indulged in a long, slow crawl down his lover's powerful chest, lips and tongue following fingers that glided along the surface of the soft, sensuous skin…pausing to tease one dusky, erect nipple, then the other. Renji moved restlessly beneath him as he fell on the tattoos of upper abdomen, then followed the path they lit, down to the redhead's navel. He dipped his tongue inside, pushing in and probing until his lover's back arched, and a deep, lovely moan rumbled through him. He continued along the line of fine red hairs, down to the nest of curls below it, then stopped and took in the sight of Renji's fully aroused member, hardened and leaking, waiting for him. He glanced back up at his lover's face and smiled, laughing softly as the blush on his cheeks turned from pink to crimson.
"Byakuya…" he sighed, "If you tease me anymore, I think I'll…"
The comment ended abruptly as Byakuya's hand wrapped around him, pressing at the base and his mouth inhaled the redhead's full length. He pleasured him warmly, loving the beautiful sounds Renji made and the way his hips rose upward in a silent plea for the dizzying contact to continue. He pulled away and ran his tongue slowly along Renji's fiercely blushing skin, watching the harsh rise and fall of his lover's chest and then sinking down on him again. The redhead groaned and shivered.
"B-byakuya…Bya…stop…I don't want to…yet…"
He pulled away again, smirking.
"What was that, Renji?" he asked, "Were you trying to say something?"
His lover answered him, not with words, but with the sudden turning of his body, with hands that took hold of him and pushed him down beneath the redhead. He looked up into the dark, hungry eyes and waited. Then, as his lover's lips parted to ask his permission, he touched his fingers to Renji's lips, stopping him before he made a sound.
"Don't ask for permission…just accept what I've offered…"
He captured the redhead's hand and sucked in three fingers, slowly bathing each in saliva, then releasing them and closing his eyes as they slid down the length of his body and began to prepare him. He moaned softly as Renji's mouth found his and the motion of his hand continued. His breath left him in a light hiss as the somewhat invasive contact continued, then the redhead's mouth attacked the pale skin of his throat and he found himself too distracted to feel uncomfortable. Renji bit down on his throat and continued his ministrations, and Byakuya shivered softly. A warm hand parted his thighs and he opened his eyes to see brown eyes gazing down at him with deep affection.
"Taichou, if you don't breathe, you will, most likely lose consciousness," he whispered.
Byakuya released a shaky breath and held on to his lover's shoulders as the redhead made them one. He moved in short careful thrusts until he was all of the way inside, then paused and admired the noble's flushed features.
When the discomfort left Byakuya's eyes, Renji began to move, slowly at first, then faster and deeper as the noble's body relaxed and moved with him. Byakuya locked his legs around the redhead's waist and held his shoulders tightly, pulling his lover down and raising his hips hungrily to meet every heavy, grinding thrust. Renji pulled his upper body away, changing the angle of penetration and thrusting in deeply, striking the center of pleasure inside him until Byakuya's back arched and he threw his head back, loosing an intense cry of pleasure and releasing between them as Renji groaned and loosed his seething release. The redhead dropped down onto his lover's chest and treated his mouth to a shower of light, gentle kisses.
"Byakuya…" Renji moaned into his mouth, "aishiteru yo…aishiteru yo…"
Byakuya sank his fingers into the tumbled red hair, kissing the redhead into senselessness and returning his words wholeheartedly. Renji turned and pulled him close again and Byakyua rested his head against his lover's chest, closing his eyes and listening to the swift cadence of the redhead's heart as they drifted off to sleep together.
Byakuya woke to find himself resting in Renji's arms, clothed, but held as warmly as he had been that night. But the tears on his face this time were not tears of joy. He felt the ache deep down at having lost something terribly precious…at having the life bled out of him…at being drawn in by someone whose interpretation of love was a poison that burned in his blood. And he was angry, so furious at having fallen into the trap…of having been taken…imprisoned…defiled and made as foul as the one who took him.
He extracted himself carefully from the sleeping redhead's arms and fled to the bathroom, emptying his stomach, then falling back against the wall, his arms wrapped around his midsection, his breath releasing in hard, silent, agonized sobs.
Am I ever going to get past this? Will I ever feel that loved again? How can I? How can I when nothing but pain reaches me anymore? No wonder he doesn't want me…I understand…I understand better than he knows…I'm so taken by darkness, the light cannot find me anymore!
He felt tears on his face and reached up to brush them away, but a gentle hand captured his and another wrapped around him, pulling him in and holding him tightly. He buried his face in a sea of red hair and breathed in deeply, releasing his breath slowly, trying to center himself, to straighten against the pain, to present a strong front.
"What can I do?" Renji asked softly, "How can I help you?"
"I don't know…" he whispered back, "I only know that I don't want to be alone anymore. I've spent the last five years alone among my enemies…and even having come back, I'm still alone. He took everything from me, Renji. He took you…our daughter…our love…everything that mattered in my life. I just want those things back. I want you back."
"Byakuya…I'm right here. You have me…right here."
"But you don't want me the way you did before…I understand why. I mean, who would want something so tainted, so broken? But even knowing how wrong it is, I still want to be desirable to you."
Renji shook his head in disbelief. He took his distraught lover by the shoulders and stared down into the dark, tormented eyes.
"Is that what you really think, Byakuya? You think that what he did to you…made you less desirable to me? That I don't want you every bit as much as you want me?"
Byakuya stared back at him wearily, afraid to move or speak.
"Well…you couldn't be more wrong about that," he said, leaning forward to kiss him softly on the lips, "I am aching all over to be with you. I want it more than anything. I just…didn't want to hurt you."
"You won't hurt me…"
"It hurt you last time…at the healing center. I saw how much it hurt you…and I don't want it to be like that. When we're together, I want it to be like the night we spent together before…and when you've had time to get over what he did to you, I promise you that it will be."
Byakuya's face took on a confused expression.
"You mean…you do still want to be with me?" he asked tentatively.
"Would I be here if I didn't?" Renji said, kissing him again, "I can't wait to be with you again. I can't wait to go back to the Seireitei and raise our daughter together! Byakuya…the suffering…what we're going through now…it's going to end…I promise you. We'll stop whatever plan that bastard has and we'll defeat him. And you won't have to worry anymore about him coming after you. We'll make him sorry he ever laid his hands on you! We will be happy again, even happier than we were when we spent that night together. Just…don't give up. Don't let yourself get pulled back into the darkness. There's been enough of that. It's time for us to bring the light back…and that is what we're going to do."
Renji pulled him close and lifted him, carrying him out of the bathroom and back to the bed. He set the noble down gently and settled in beside him, pulling him close and bringing his head to rest on a waiting shoulder. He turned his head to study the lost, yearning expression and bathed it in kisses, meeting Byakuya's soft, wanting lips again and again until the pain left his eyes and all that was left was hope. As long as he had that, Renji decided, they had what they needed to survive.