The Cost of Survival
Self-Absorbed Author's Ramblings
I get that a lot of people might be frustrated (even hateful) of canon Sam right now. I'm not too fond of him either, but I do still remember how he was a pretty decent guy back in the day. The Sam I'm writing into this story is more along the lines of Season 2 Sam. Let's just pretend the Season 4 one doesn't exist, yeah? :)
Chapter 22
Day 3
District 7. 72nd Hunger Games.
Confusing, disjointed images played through Brittany's mind, punctuated by dark colors and fiery eyes, loud voices and scrunched up faces.
There was Tina and the way her moodiness was starting to get concerning and out of hand. For someone to actually wish to be put through physical pain meant unimaginable emotional turmoil. It reminded Brittany of the way Santana coped with her mother's death by destroying her own knuckles against any hard surface within reach. The powerful rush of wrenching emotions drove Santana to do a lot of the poorly-thought-out things that earned her punishment from the Peacekeepers.
How must she be feeling now? Like Tina, Santana hated being trapped under the boots of the Peacekeepers, forced to follow their rules and live in the way that was defined for her. Would that be messing with her now? Being in an arena, forced to play by the Gamemakers' rules, live by the requirement to kill and struggle to survive, no escape.
Or was killing her next tribute the only thing going through Santana's mind right at this moment?
Brittany could imagine standing before Santana now.
Only, this was a different Santana. Her eyes were hard and empty, her muscles were tense and her fists clenched. There was not even a twitch from her at the sight of Brittany. No attempt to move forward and embrace, or to even wave. No gasp or smile. Nothing.
There was no brightness or gentleness around her. Just… emptiness.
Nothing in those eyes that used to be so full of pain and fear and anger and frustration and passion and compassion and guarded dreams and limited hope and so many other emotions Brittany couldn't even begin to find names for.
Now?
Nothing.
Breathing so heavily she almost looked like she ran through the forest several times without stopping, Brittany opened her eyes and sat up faster than her body was prepared to.
Pain raked through the stitched up gashes across her sides and burned in the welts and cuts of her flayed back. Brittany grit her teeth and closed her eyes, going back to the thoughts and images that usually worked in helping her ride through the bouts.
She remembered Santana.
The real Santana. The Santana who didn't like talking about feelings but most definitely did have them. She felt the anger and rage at Peacekeepers and the Capitol, the grief and pain of losing her parents, the distress of figuring out how to get through the day. There were a lot of negative feelings there, but there were also a lot of positive feelings. Compassion towards Quinn, happiness when playing with Amy, smugness at getting away with something, serenity when she sang, and for everything else? A whole lot of passion.
"Britt?" Tina sat up from where she'd been sleeping, borrowing Santana's cot at the foot of Brittany's bed. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" Moving with haste stirred up by worry, Tina stood up and scrambled over to Brittany's side. "Should I call my Mom?"
Still breathing heavily but not as badly as a while ago, Brittany opened her eyes and looked up at Tina. "I'm fine." She swallowed and slowly eased herself back into lying down. "Just… just a bad dream."
Careful not to move too fast and wind up irritating something else, Brittany brought her good hand up to wipe sweat away from her face. Then she noticed the bedside table. "What's that?"
Tina turned to look at it and her face showed that she was just as surprised to see it as Brittany was. It was a box, and as Tina picked it up and opened it, her eyebrows shot up higher and her eyes opened wider. "Cookies and cupcakes and pastries and stuff."
She lowered the box to Brittany's eyelevel, revealing assorted pastries from Mrs. Rose's bakery. "Is that from… your Mom?"
Shaking her head, Tina said, "I don't think so." Reading between the lines, Brittany took that to mean it was well beyond Mrs. Cohen-Chang's very tight and very stretched budget to actually buy those.
"Maybe they were from Mrs. Rose." Brittany guessed, but couldn't figure out how it could have been brought into the house without waking either of them. Specifically Tina, who seemed to be a light sleeper compared to Brittany, who'd spent the past couple of nights drugged into deep sleep. "I guess she got help from Charles, Regina and the dancing donkey to sneak it into the house."
"I didn't see anyone come in last night." Tina frowned and looked uncomfortable as she also tried to think about how the box was brought in.
It was intriguing, but the smell of the baked goods was already starting to distract Brittany's thoughts and keep them from getting coherent. Remembering to move slowly and carefully this time, Brittany pushed herself into a sitting position and picked out a muffin. "Let's eat it anyway. It's here, isn't it?"
What seemed to be a guilty look was on Tina's face as she placed the box back on the table without taking any. Brittany's eyes drifted towards the bandages around Tina's arm. Mrs. Cohen-Chang sparingly used them in between a short lecture for Tina to be more careful, and then a long-winded rant about how Judy Fabray shouldn't have done that and how she was nothing like the perfect and proper woman she tried so hard to pretend to be.
Tina noticed Brittany staring and rubbed at the bandage self-consciously. "What?"
"How are you?" Brittany knew from experience with Santana that such a question could receive a variety of reactions depending on how willing to open up the person was, and on how intense their emotions were at the time. Sometimes, Santana would respond evasively, sometimes she'd fake being okay (and be really bad at it), sometimes she'd get agitated, and sometimes she would actually start talking about whatever was bothering her.
This was one of those times where the response came in the form of avoiding the question. Tina reached into her pocket and pulled out something small. "I made you something." She held it up for Brittany to see. "Just last night. With wood from the forest."
Temporarily distracted, Brittany put the muffin down on her lap and took the wooden carving from Tina. It was a little unicorn, just small enough to fit in Brittany's hand. The sight of it reminded her of both her own father, who bought her a couple of sculptures before, and then of Santana, who was a unicorn. "Thanks, Tina!" Though the feelings it stirred up were bittersweet, Brittany appreciated the gift. "I love it!"
"I thought you would."
Then something struck Brittany. "When'd you say you got the wood?"
How could Tina have had time to get wood from the forest to do this yesterday? To do this last night? The afternoon was spent getting attacked by Mrs. Fabray, the earlier part of the evening was spent being treated by Mrs. Cohen-Chang and then talking her into being allowed to continue this arrangement and stay in Brittany's house. And then after that, it was dinner time, prepared by Mrs. Cohen-Chang, who left just before curfew.
Tina should have been in here all night.
"Recently." Tina squirmed and avoided eye contact.
"Recently?" Brittany repeated, recognizing vagueness normally used to hide something. It was another thing sort of like what Santana would do, particularly when interrogated about the source of their latest meal.
Tina nodded. "Recently."
It occurred to Brittany that maybe Tina wasn't aware of anyone coming in to drop off the pastries in the middle of the night because she actually wasn't around last night. Maybe because she was out in the woods past curfew, while Brittany was asleep.
"Tina…" Brittany raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"
"Don't you like it?" This time, it was less of an evasive response and more of an agitated, defensive one. Tina shifted from foot to foot. "What's wrong with it?"
"It's fine! I do like it!" Brittany was now in the position of having to defend herself and reassure Tina. "I said I love it, remember?"
"Then why the hell are you interrogating me?" Still agitated, Tina shoved her hands into her pockets and sulked.
With Santana, Brittany would have been able to shift the mood with a hug and a kiss, accompanied by reassurances that they were just innocent questions brought about by genuine concern stemming from being someone who cares.
But this wasn't Santana and Brittany had to adjust her tactic. "I was just curious." This might not be the right time to press for answers. Brittany just wasn't in the position to do that. "I'm sorry." And she had to make up for it. "You want one?" She indicated the pastries.
Tina was still tense, but after standing still and looking from Brittany to the figurine to the box to the floor and back, she eventually cooled down enough to nod and accept one of the cookies.
District 7. 69th Hunger Games.
Doing nothing, just watching and staying still and just fucking watching? How was Santana supposed to be able to do that without going completely insane? She stumbled forward to lean against the doorway as Peacekeeper Sylvester shoved Brittany into the waiting arms of the other Peacekeepers. They were going to hurt her.
And it was all going to be Santana's fault.
"What's going on?" Something tugging at the hem of her shirt pulled Santana's gaze away from Brittany. "Where're they taking Britty?"
Amy.
Santana ran her hands through her hair, feeling the panic rising up to get lodged in her throat. "I-I… It…" Swallowing was painful, but Santana needed to clear her throat. "Amy, could you…" Mind reeling and racing, Santana remembered that on one of the times she got into trouble with the Peacekeepers, Amy was told to spend the night at Tina's house.
"Why don't you hang out at Tina's tonight?" Without waiting for Amy to give any input on the situation, Santana grabbed her by the hand and pulled her along in the direction of Tina's house, all the while keeping a neck craned up to try seeing where they were taking Brittany.
This was all Santana's fault. If she had resisted the damn urge to snag that pouch from Peacekeeper Sylvester, things would be okay right now. Brittany would be safe and okay.
Brittany kissed her.
They really actually kissed.
Santana thought she felt happy about it when it was happening, until Sylvester's entrance ruined everything and turned this whole experience sour and horrible.
Now… now Santana would have to watch them hurt Brittany for something she didn't even do. She stepped forward and claimed it was her doing just to save Santana from the wrath of the high-ranking and hotheaded Peacekeeper.
By the time they finally got to Tina's house, Santana's vision was a blur and her mind in a panic. The confusion and questions coming from Amy were left unanswered as the door opened to reveal Tina, who looked like she was already in a sour mood.
"I need a favor." Santana spewed everything out in as few words as possible. "Brittany. Sylvester. Gotta go."
Staying just long enough to see Tina nod in understanding, Santana turned and staggered away from the Cohen-Chang house. There was already a crowd of people heading towards the townsquare to see what was going to happen. News in District 7 spread like fire during summer.
The muted gasps of surprise and mumbled gossip around Santana were agitating her. People saying they didn't think the sweet Pierce girl was capable of that. People worrying about her. People wondering if it's true. Ignorant, judgemental people saying the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and all the Pierces are nothing but trouble, or that living with that Lopez girl influenced her.
That one was actually Quinn's fucking father and Santana was just about ready to punch every tooth out of his mouth.
She lunged towards him, only to be stopped by arms around her waist pulling her away from her target, just like the day her father was shot.
"Let me go!" Santana kicked and squirmed.
"She's taking the fall for you, ain't she?" That was Puck's voice, reminding Santana who was really in the wrong here.
She stopped trying to fight back. "Shut up…" The words came out soft, whispered, scared.
Already, Brittany was at the center of the townsquare, and already, Peacekeeper Sylvester was clutching the whip, yelling about how theft was not to be tolerated in District 7, especially not when someone has the gall to steal from a Peacekeeper.
The sound of the first lash cut through Santana's chest. The second weakened her knees. The third blurred her vision. The fourth was painful. The fifth sent a rush of frenzied energy. Santana used it to try escaping from Puck's grasp to be able to fight off the Peacekeepers and save Brittany.
It wasn't enough.
Puck maintained his grip and forcibly turned her around so that she was facing him instead of Brittany. "Pull yourself together. This is her first time, ain't it?"
Not trusting her voice to be able to give an answer, Santana just nodded.
"You're gonna have to help her after an' take care of her." Puck gave her a rough shake when she tried to turn her head. The sixth and seventh made her wince. "Three more. It's almost over. Get a grip. Won't be any help if you're a mess."
The eighth.
Santana swallowed, hating Puck for keeping her from saving Brittany, hating him for being right, hating Peacekeeper Sylvester for doing this, hating all the Peacekeepers, and most of all, hating herself for causing all of this.
The ninth.
And she was going to have to fix it.
The tenth.
Arena. Cliff. 72nd Hunger Games.
Santana's eyes flew open as the trembling earth put an abrupt end to the dream of a memory. Intense, wrenching feelings of guilt still tore through Santana, both over that mess three years ago, and over this latest, much worse one going on now. Not being able to be there for Brittany now, nowhere near being able to fix it…
A hand grabbed the collar of Santana's jacket and roughly yanked her to her feet. "We gotta get them now!" Lauren pointed down to where Rick's pack was waking up and also reacting to the earthquake.
It was more than just an earthquake though.
About a meter below, the rocks exploded outward as a mole mutt burst through. Its feeler-lined nose faced the ceiling and twitched a few times before it jerks its head downwards and faced the direction of Rick's pack.
A low, rumbling growl filled the air before the beast scrambled out of the rocks and charged towards Rick's pack, chasing them down a tunnel.
"Fuck!" Lauren banged her fist against the wall and almost lost balance in the process because the ground still hadn't stopped shaking. "They're getting away!"
Things still felt foggy to Santana, like she was viewing things separately, on a different plane and she was dissociated from it all. Despite that and the grogginess of still feeling half-asleep, Santana picked up her axe and tried to get ready to meet whatever was coming.
Another mutt burst out of the rocks, this time coming from the wall opposite them, and Santana recognized it as the same one from yesterday, still bearing the scars from its fight with Lauren. Its milky eyes actually locked on her as if recognizing her scent.
There was just enough time for Santana to blink and take note of the beast before it lunged in their direction, thrashing its paws and snarling with the viciousness of a creature ready to kill. Santana tried to help Lauren fight it off, but in the chaos of flying claws and the still-trembling earth depriving her of any sense of balance, Santana could barely deliver any blows. Lauren's harsh yells echoed against the walls.
Small bits of stone were starting to fall, shaken loose by the tremors. Santana felt a few of them hitting her head and shoulders while the smaller particles thickened the air and made her throat and eyes itch.
Coughing and still struggling to stay standing without getting hit by the enraged beast, Santana wasn't prepared for another beast bursting out of the wall behind her and crashing right into her. It sent her over the edge of the cliff and tumbling down the steep drop.
The boom signaling a dead tribute filled the air.
Arena. Outside Harmony's Cave. 72nd Hunger Games.
The ominous sound jerked Mike out of his light sleep and plunged him into panic and worry. Initially, it brought back the memory of when he'd last heard it, that being when Harmony fell off the edge of the cliff to her death. Next, it brought with it the fear that it might have been Santana and there was no way to be sure until tonight.
Dark thoughts of Lauren betraying Santana and killing her in her sleep filled Mike's mind. It sounded like something Lauren would do. She was always so harsh and hateful towards Santana, talking to her with spite and aggression every time they had to interact with each other. There was that killer look to her eyes too. Cold and without mercy. Those powerful hands could easily crush Santana's windpipe. Or a strong throw against the wall could break a few ribs, rendering Santana helpless while that broadsword sliced through her.
No.
Stop.
Mike shook his head and tried to clear it of those images.
There was hardly any point in Lauren suddenly betraying Santana, particularly after going through the trouble of saving her in the bloodbath.
Though there was still a lot of lingering doubt, Mike tried to console himself with that thought and shifted focus to the present, waking world before him. As worried as he was about Santana, there was only so much he could do given what he had and where he was.
Still lying on his back, Mike closed his eyes and calmed his racing thoughts until the primary focus became things that he should do immediately and needs that ought to be fulfilled soon. Water was the most immediate need. Food was next. A safe place to stay for the night was another thought to consider. Such as whether or not he should go back to cavern where he met Harmony.
That stray thought almost shoved Mike back into the guilt, but he gritted his teeth and clawed his way back to focusing on concrete plans.
Food and water.
Mike rolled onto his stomach and crawled out from under the rock so that he could sit up and get his bearings. The entrance to the cavern was just around the corner. The scraggly, prickly plants were familiar enough. They were a marker he used to note how close he was.
He should take inventory.
That was a concrete step. Mike focused on it and opened the bag to see what he'd managed to keep. There was about half a glass's worth of water, barely enough to last Mike the day. He would probably have to go back to the cavern to be able to refill his thermos.
Food… there wasn't any. The lakebed's plants were the closest source of food that Mike could recall.
He really did have to go back… to the cavern. The question of whether or not it was safe to stay there now that the Careers knew about it was still a thought nagging at Mike's head. After being chased out of it, would it be stupid to go back there and try to stay like nothing ever happened?
And would it only make Mike uncomfortable, knowing it was Harmony who found it first and it was Harmony who saved him from drowning and it was Harmony who…
Stop.
Mike ran his hands through his hair and wrestled with the thoughts, trying to keep them at bay but rapidly losing in the struggle. The look on her face… she was surprised and more likely than not, betrayed. She felt him bump into her. She saw his face right before falling. It was probably the last thing she ever saw. Her killer's face.
He really hadn't meant to kill her. It was just an accident.
Did Harmony know that?
"Damn it!" Mike verbalized his frustration and tried again at shoving the thoughts aside. He was overthinking. He was way overthinking. This wasn't the time or the place. Now, he had other, more important, more immediate things to focus on. These nagging feelings of guilt and worry had to be put aside.
It crossed Mike's mind that it might be just like this in Tina's head, always a constant battle for control over her own thoughts and emotions. With something as significant as sanity being at stake, it was a battle she couldn't afford to lose, and it took so much effort to keep fighting.
Maybe they could talk about it better when he was back home. They could have a deeper conversation now that Mike had a better understanding of how hard it really was to remain in control, and of how tempting it could really be to give up when the stakes get higher and the dark thoughts get stronger. Mike could only imagine how much harder it would be the longer he stayed in this arena. How much harder must it be for Santana, who actually used a weapon and got to see the life drain out of her victim's face.
Santana.
Home.
Mike couldn't have both. And there were still very high chances that he would end up with neither.
After last night, the District 2 tributes would be more thirsty for his blood than they were before. It wasn't just Azimio who hated Mike's guts, Ronnie would be itching for revenge now, too. Mike could only imagine what horrors would await him if he ever ended up in their hands.
Sam wouldn't be able to get Mike out of that twice.
And why did Sam even do that? Mike now felt like he owed Sam a debt that would be very hard to repay. That is unless it had been part of some deal Santana made with him prior to going into the arena. Mike remembered how Santana had tried to get him as an ally. That might explain his behavior.
Grunting in frustration, Mike realized he was doing it again.
In this state, getting so caught up in his own thoughts, he was easy prey for any quiet predator, be it mutt or tribute.
That was when Mike realized that several lizards had begun to creep out of cracks and crevices in the walls and floor. Their skin was a blotchy mixture of browns and greys, and as they scurried closer to him, Mike noticed that none of them had eyes.
Unnerved, he started packing up his things, moving slowly just in case he startled the lizards into doing something sudden and unexpected. Knowing the way Gamemakers did things, even small, harmless-looking animals could be deadly and unpredictable.
A few started crawling onto his boots, making his skin crawl with uneasiness. Mike finished with the bag and slung it over his shoulders. They were rubbing their faces into his boots, and as Mike watched them more closely, he realized they were boring little holes into the thick material.
Knowing better than to stay and let them get to his skin, Mike decided to shake them off and scramble to his feet. The sudden movement sent most of the lizards scattering out of reach, but a few recovered quickly and started going back to him.
It helped Mike come to the decision that he couldn't stay around here any longer. He charged down the tunnel, back to the cavern where he met Harmony.
District 7. 71st Hunger Games.
The house was quiet without Amy, especially since she liked to chatter about her day well into the night. That, or like her sister, go into random trains of thought and come up with these sudden epiphanies or philosophical questions.
Tonight, Amy was staying over at a friend's house, working on something for school.
"Santana?" She was lying on her cot, hidden under the blanket and facing away from Brittany. A soft grunt was the response.
Brittany crawled over to the foot of the bed. Though she and Amy have been sleeping on it for more than a year now, almost two in fact, it was still hard not to still think of it as Mr. Lopez's bed. Thoughts of him and how much his death affected Santana sometimes crossed Brittany's mind in the moments before sleep claimed her.
"You awake?"
"Yeah." Santana rolled over onto her other side so she could face Brittany. "What's up?"
Hugging a pillow, Brittany looked over it at Santana. "I feel weird not having Amy here."
The corners of Santana's lips twitched into a light smile. "Kinda quiet without her."
There weren't a lot of nights when it was just the two of them here. In the past two years or so, it was more normal for the three of them to fill this bedroom. "Y'know there's an elf outside who likes to lie down on the empty spaces of beds." And now, there was an empty space. "Amy's usually enough to keep him away, but I think he might try to come over here tonight, now that her spot isn't taken."
Tilting her head to one side, Santana arched an eyebrow upwards. "But if I go over there, that would leave my bed empty. Will the elf go to my bed instead?"
"He won't fit on your bed."
Santana stiffened. "Did you just take a jab at my size?"
Knowing where this was going, Brittany grinned. "I'm not sure. Did I?"
The taunt was enough. Santana pounced, landing on Brittany and going straight for the ribs, tickling her until she was giggling and squirming. It was hard to breathe and laugh at the same time, but Brittany was enjoying herself and didn't hesitate to fight back with her own counterattacks.
By the time they were both out of breath and worn out enough to settle down, Brittany felt cheerful and at ease with how tiny the distance between them was. Santana lying close enough for their bodies to be touching, and her head was resting on Brittany's arm.
"You just wanted an excuse to get me into bed with you." The words were playfully and deliberately chosen. With a smirk that showed she was onto it the whole time, Santana prodded Brittany's nose.
Deciding to come clean, Brittany did the same to Santana's nose while saying, "Guilty as charged."
"Well if I'm going to be sleeping here tonight," Not acting even a little bit surprised, Santana maintained her smug smile while she made herself comfortable on Brittany's arm. "I get to use your arm as a pillow and we gonn' gets our cuddle on."
Pulling her arm out from under Santana, Brittany didn't really think about what she was doing and instead went by feel. She shifted her position to placing her hands against the bed, on either side of Santana, with their heads hovering just inches away from each other. "What about our sweet lady kisses?"
"That… That'd be…" Santana swallowed. Even in the darkness, it was very easy to see the color filling her cheeks as she grew flustered and nervous in that adorable Santana way. "…nice."
"Nice." Brittany teased, almost seeing the rapidly crashing and scrambling thoughts racing through Santana's head as she lost composure and felt her vocabulary drop to about two words or so. There was a light undercurrent of frustration in Santana's eyes as she struggled to make sense of herself and organize and verbalize her disorganized thoughts.
Moving with uneasiness and hesitation, Santana moved her hands up to Brittany's face and maintained the eye contact like it was the only medium she could think of to get her confused messages across.
This was hard and nerve-wracking enough for Santana. She was giving the cues but afraid of following through. Brittany was the one who lowered herself so that the distance between their faces would be eliminated completely, closed in a kiss that reignited the same racing emotions as last time, and with no diminished intensity. If anything, it felt stronger and more powerful this time around, in the privacy of this evening together. Like it was just about the two of them now. No more Puck issue to fuss about, no Amy to interrupt, no Peacekeepers. It was just between Brittany and Santana. It was theirs.
Carried away by the intensity, Brittany was barely thinking about how her arms managed to snake their way around Santana and how her legs were already straddling Santana's hips. It was just a matter of going by feel, meeting and reciprocating Santana's energy and enthusiasm.
It was as Santana's hands started creeping under Brittany's shirt and exploring the skin of her waist and back that she suddenly stopped.
"Uhh?" Dazed and confused by the abrupt interruption, Santana blinked a few times, staring up at Brittany.
The thought had wormed its way into Brittany's mind and she didn't know how else to deal with it other than to discuss it. "Is this what you'd do with Puck?"
Santana blinked several more times, still processing what was going on, and still not yet over their lost momentum. "What?"
"Were you like this with Puck?" Brittany found herself imagining Puck in this same position, straddling Santana and pressing his lips against hers, pressing his big, coarse hands against her skin, enveloping her with his large, square frame. "Is it the same?"
The air in the room grew heated and negative. "You're asking me about Puck?" Santana's voice was laced with irritation, leaving no trace of the playfulness or nervousness of just moments ago. "Seriously? Now?"
Getting increasingly agitated, Santana tried to get out from under Brittany, but she didn't budge. This was something that was going to nag at her thoughts for a very long time if they didn't get it out in the open.
"That's all I'm doing, San. I'm asking." Brittany kept her own tone soft, pleading with Santana and reaching out to her more sensitive side. "I'm just curious. Please try not to get mad."
It was clear though that Santana was already mad.
"We're in the middle of getting our mack on and you start asking me about my ex." Santana threw her hands up, "Of course I'm a little cranky!"
"Ex?" The word choice intrigued Brittany. "So were you really together?" Whenever they talked about it, Santana would say there weren't together, and it was just a meaningless thing. Had it been something else all along? And what happened to change that? "Are you really over now?"
There were so many questions and so much confusion. Brittany just wanted to understand what it was about Puck that Santana liked so much. They were very similar in personality and in the way they dealt with things, and they were friends, but Brittany never saw them as anything more than that. It just didn't seem like it.
"Can we talk about this when I'm not in between your legs?" Santana was glaring up at Brittany, still agitated.
"But we will talk about it?" This really wasn't something they should allow to slide by so easily.
With a roll of her eyes and a resigned but still irritated sigh, Santana consented. "Fine."
Brittany moved off of Santana to sit next to her instead. She grumbled something under her breath and sat up as well. They stayed that way, sitting across each other, quiet for a while, until Brittany said, "So…?"
Hesitant at first, Santana was back to avoiding eye contact and fiddling with her hands, bunching up bits of the blanket and looking uncomfortable. The agitation was less obvious now, and it looked like Santana was really thinking about how to discuss the issue and answer Brittany's questions, as opposed to avoiding the topic and trying to escape.
Careful to be gentle about coaxing Santana instead of rushing her, Brittany didn't say anything and let action speak for itself by reaching over and holding Santana's hand, stopping it from scrunching up the entire blanket into a big ball.
"It was different with him." Santana blurted out. After, she was quiet again for a short moment, gathering her thoughts, then when she was ready, she tried again, "We were never really… like… together. It was a no-labels thing between us."
That confirmed and supported the previous claims Santana had made before about how it really wasn't a regular, couple kind of arrangement with Puck. "So it was all about the… thing." Brittany vaguely gestured towards Santana's body.
Santana smiled a little. "Britt, we never went like… all the way." The mild lightness became heavy again as some dark memory came back to her consciousness. "Y'know, it was just a lot of making out and shit. We never had sex." She shrugged, still managing to avoid contact, but also tightening her hold on Brittany's hand. "We almost did… and I couldn't…" Santana held on tighter. "I couldn't."
"Why not?"
"I dunno." Santana shrugged again. "It just didn't feel right."
Sensing how uncomfortable this was making Santana, Brittany shifted the topic further from Puck, but still close enough that it wouldn't be another abrupt jump. "Does… us feel right?"
That brought a different reaction out of Santana. Her shoulders relaxed and she managed to smile, but it still wasn't enough for her to make eye contact. "Yeah… yeah, it does." The whispered words were a confession that took courage for Santana to say. Brittany saw it in the way Santana's other hand started playing with the blanket again.
Hearing that was making Brittany giddy though. She felt a thrill rush through her and lift her up high like she was racing through clouds and dancing with rainbows.
It stopped when Brittany noticed that Santana's brow was furrowed. "What's on your mind?" The expression looked deep in thought, but not in the way that meant hiding and keeping to herself. Otherwise, Santana would have already tried moving away, or even letting go of Brittany's hands. As it was, their fingers were intertwined and didn't seem in any hurry to part.
"It felt… exciting with him." The word rolled awkwardly out of Santana's tongue, like it wasn't quite the word she would use, but it was the closest she could get. "He made it easy to forget about all the shit. At least just for a while."
Brittany remembered that a lot of the times Santana would rush off to see Puck in a hurry, it was accompanied by acting upset or distressed or angry. Whenever she came back after, Santana would seem to be feeling better. "Was it enough?"
"It kinda helped…" Santana admitted, still toying with the blanket with her free hand, while the other continued to keep its fingers intertwined with Brittany's. "But the shit just catches up to me eventually, and in the end it's better to… well… to y'know…"
She let go of the blanket to gesture towards Brittany.
"What?"
Santana inhaled deeply in the way she usually did when she was bracing herself before admitting something difficult. "To talk to you about the stuff bugging me." Brittany remembered how Santana would always say that she rarely ever talked seriously with Puck.
"I really don't like talking about feelings and shit, you know that. He knew that. So we just… did stuff instead. No talking, no thinking." Santana shrugged again. "Yeah, it felt pretty good sometimes."
This was something that Santana was struggling to get out into the open, but she was really trying, and Brittany appreciated that. She reached over and held onto Santana's other hand to give encouragement and to show full support.
"I dunno if this is something wrong with me or… or whatever." The bitter edge to her tone hinted that Santana spent some time thinking about it and questioning herself. "But there were times when I just felt gross after. Like I wanna throw up and then wash my mouth with soap and maybe even swallow a whole bar even if that shit's expensive."
The attempt at a joking tone was latched onto the end of that sentence in an awkward, forced way. It was an issue that bothered Santana more than she was willing to admit.
"Did you feel like that after our first kiss?"
Santana's eyebrows twitched with a light trace of surprise. "No…"
"And the kisses after?"
"No." There was the hint of a gasp behind that word.
Brittany leaned closer to Santana, intrigued by the turn of this conversation, and what it implied about their dynamic compared to the one between Santana and Puck. "And what about the one just now?"
"I liked it until you started interrogating me." Santana grumbled the words.
It made Brittany feel guilty. In hindsight, the questions couldn't have come at a more inappropriate time. They were in the middle of something beautiful and the questions put such an abrupt end to it. "Sorry…"
"Our first kiss…" The way Santana wasn't bothering to dwell on it indicated that she was well over the initial anger now. "It felt… it was…"
Noticing the cues, Brittany moved closer. "Nice?"
"You just aren't going to let that go, are you?" Santana laughed a little, "Yes, it was very nice."
Something was off. There was still some seriousness in Santana's demeanor. The laugh was too brief, almost dismissive. It sounded like there was something else to follow. "But?" Brittany prompted Santana.
"It was great, Britt." Santana said, "It really was. If I remember just that part, it's… well it's awesome!" She paused, bracing herself again, and this time she was able to look up and meet Brittany's eyes. "But then I remember the other part. The part after… the part with Sylvester."
The memory of that incident brought negativity back into the air. It was nice to remember the happy part of their first kiss, and that was what Brittany usually preferred doing, but sometimes it was hard not to think of the really bad part after.
"I didn't want Peacekeeper Sylvester to hurt you." She'd already seen Santana get into so much trouble in the days immediately following her father's death, it was scary to think of how the Peacekeepers were getting less and less lenient. Peacekeeper Sylvester seemed to be at her wit's end when even giving Santana the job at the logging site didn't completely put an end to the stealing or the insubordination.
"I would've been able to take it." Santana got into trouble so often, it was like she no longer felt any fear towards Peacekeepers anymore. Just anger.
Brittany shook her head. "At the rate you were going, there wouldn't be anything left of you for them to hurt."
"It still hurt…" Santana shuddered at the memory. "Seeing them do that to you."
"I told you before." Brittany wasn't sure how many times she was going to have to remind Santana that they talked about this before and she had said she'd be more careful and try harder at avoiding trouble. Sometimes it was like that promise never happened. "I get hurt when you get hurt."
The underlying message reached Santana, the guilt showed in her eyes.
"I tried, Britt… It was just… that was a bad day and… and the Peacekeepers, they were… and you took the fall and…" Santana sighed and stopped herself from starting anymore sentences she wasn't going to finish. She paused to organize her thoughts, then said, "Britt, thanks for that. Really. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but… but do you get what I'm saying?"
At the moment, Brittany wasn't sure what Santana was saying. The thought of that constantly broken promise was crossing Brittany's mind now. Accompanying that was the memory of burning pain crisscrossing her back for the first time, of how ten strikes from that whip felt like a hundred to her inexperienced skin.
After, she could barely stand and needed support from Puck and Santana to be able to get home. Mike even offered to help, but Santana brushed it off, insisting that she wanted to do it, that she had to do it. She kept apologizing profusely as they reached the house.
Brittany remembered that even if she was in a lot of pain that night, there was still a part of her that managed to be irritated by Puck's presence. They already spent the better part of the day arguing about him, he didn't need to be around to make things more worse.
"You took good care of me after." That part aside, Brittany could also remember how Santana worked so hard to make up for it, helping Brittany to the bed, cleaning the welts, giving her water, fussing over her, doing whatever it took to help her feel as comfortable as possible in such a circumstance.
That wasn't the response Santana was looking for. She untangled her hands from Brittany's then touched her face, initiating and maintaining eye contact. "It would kill me to lose you. That day… even if they weren't going to end you, I just… I lost it, Britt."
Brittany looked and saw unparalleled fear in Santana's eyes. "I've lost both my parents. I can't lose you, too." Stroking Brittany's cheek, Santana looked like she had more to say. She sucked in a breath, then tried to say it, "Britt, I… I… I l…"
She swallowed, but instead of continuing, Santana instead retreated and just pushed forward the previous statement. "I can't lose you."
With some idea of what Santana was supposed to say, but no way of being sure, Brittany decided not to push it. She gave Santana's pouting lips a brief, light kiss. "You won't."
At the back of her mind, Brittany knew she was just as terrified of losing Santana, especially to the Peacekeepers. They weren't going to be lenient with her forever. If Santana didn't shape up soon, they were going to get fed up. There would be no chances left.
The very thought of losing Santana was as painful as the thought of losing Amy. It would hurt. Brittany couldn't even imagine how she would ever heal from that kind of loss.
District 7. 72nd Hunger Games.
Seeing the recaps from last night playing out on the screen this morning was heavily affecting the mood in the room. Even Amy's lunchtime visit, which should have been uplifting, wasn't enough to change the atmosphere.
They all saw Mike's close call with the Careers, and the accidental death of his brief ally. They all saw how scared and guilty he felt in that moment. They all saw Santana and Lauren wrestle with another mole mutt just before dawn. They all saw how the mutt pinned Lauren down and swung its paws, raining down heavy blows. They all saw the third mutt that knocked Santana over the edge. They all saw her body tumbling and crashing down the steep slope before landing at the bottom, unmoving. They all saw the way the screen dipped to black and then switched to other tributes.
And now they were left with distress and uncertainty.
Tina was too worked up to stay still and eat, pacing from one side of the room to the other, making Brittany dizzy just watching the feverish movements. "I know that look. He feels bad and he's blaming himself and he's going to be thinking about it for a really long time. It's going to throw him off and distract him. He'll have trouble concentrating. He'll lower his guard without meaning to. He'll be easy to take by surprise. Fuck. He's in trouble. He's in trouble. He is in trouble."
The tray of food on Brittany's lap was hardly touched as her mind played through the time when she lied to Peacekeeper Sylvester about who really stole her money. Santana went out of her way to make it up to Brittany afterwards.
If they were together now, it would be like that. Santana would be all over the place, apologizing and fussing.
Brittany also remembered the countless times she was the one who had to carry Santana and clean her up after every beating. She needed Brittany's help and treatment so often, it was hard to count how many incidents there were anymore.
Now, she really wished she could be there to help Santana, and it was maddening and frustrating to be stuck here, in no position to help anyone.
A hand touching the back of her head and lightly stroking her hair coaxed Brittany out of the whirlpool of thoughts. She looked up to see that Amy's face showed concern, like she was just as worried about Brittany as she was about Santana.
"She's tough." Amy said. "Sanny's been through way worse than that fall, she'll be fine."
Again, here they were with reversed roles. Brittany was the one who was doubtful and afraid. Amy was the one who was strong and reassuring. She continued to stroke Brittany's hair, not quite the same way Santana did it, but more soothing than the way Tina did it.
"You want a cookie?" Brittany looked at the box on the bedside table, still quite full of baked sweets. The little wooden unicorn was next to it, the guardian of the goodies. "You gotta ask the unicorn permission first before getting some, but I think he'll be fine with it. He likes you."
Amy smiled and moved over to the table to pick out a biscuit. "Thank you, Mr. Unicorn."
"How could the two of you be fucking around with unicorns and shit when Mike's not thinking straight and Santana fell off a cliff?" Desperate for an outlet, Tina turned on them, eyes wide and wild, breathing ragged, fists clenched.
Before Brittany could say anything, she was surprised by Amy's automatic, defensive behavior. She placed herself in front of Brittany, arms spread out slightly, shielding her. "You need to calm down."
"I'm fucking calm." Tina's feral eyes, bared teeth and red face contradicted that statement.
"Tina, just breathe." Brittany could barely see Tina over Amy's shoulder. "Breathe in and out." Before Tina could try to snap about how that wasn't necessary, Brittany raised her voice. "You aren't calm and you aren't okay. Just stop moving and breathe."
Taken aback by the yell, Tina retreated a few steps, looking from one Pierce to the other. Eventually, she did try closing her eyes and regaining control of her breathing, in and out, in and out. It took a while, but the tension lines along her forehead and between her eyes grew less defined, her shoulders lowered, her hands unclenched.
When she opened her eyes again, Tina still looked upset, but at least more in control of herself now. "I'm sorry."
"You should-"
"It's fine." Brittany spoke over Amy and touched her arm, quietly sending the message that it was okay now and there was no longer any point in stirring the tension up again. Better to keep things civil instead of picking fights with Tina and provoking her into losing control again.
Tina leaned against the wall, spent after her outburst.
Meanwhile, the screen showed its own form of tension. The Career Pack was at the Cornucopia, arguing. The District 2 tributes were worked up about how they hadn't found anyone all day and they were itching for a fight. The cut above Ronnie's eye had stopped bleeding and looked like it was already half-healed, no doubt with medicines only they had access to.
Sebastian, Ronnie and Azimio were the ones prolonging the bulk of the argument, until Sam told them to calm down. Mack ridiculed the whole argument for its pettiness.
A knock on the door nearly sent Brittany into a fit of panic, her body tensing and almost knocking over the tray on her lap. Amy placed a hand on Brittany's shoulder, still strong and reassuring, while Tina went over to answer the door.
Brittany had to remind herself that it was in the middle of the day right now and that the ominous knocks usually only happened at night. She drew strength from the contact with Amy, and by the time the visitors arrived, the panic had eased.
"Hello, dears." Mrs. Rose's pleasant voice announced her presence just as she entered the room, Marley trailing behind her. "We left the shop for a quick visit. Marley wanted to see you girls."
Shy as ever whenever attention was directed towards her, Marley shifted her weight from one foot to the other and kept her eyes down. A small wave and an awkward smile was the most she could manage as a greeting.
"Hi," Brittany smiled at them, feeling a lot more at ease now that she was sure there were no Peacekeepers out to get her and hurt her again.
"How are you today?" Mrs. Rose asked.
Brittany recalled this morning's paralyzing pain caused by sudden movement. "Still sore and weak." As bad as that was, Brittany didn't want them worrying too much. After all, she was in much less pain right now. It was almost easy to ignore the subtle throbs. "I'm doing a lot better thanks to that stuff you gave."
Mrs. Rose smiled and patted Marley's shoulder. "We're glad to have been of some help."
"And if there's anything else we can do," Marley's words tumbled out of her in a nervous rush, "Just let us know we're happy to help and we care about you and we hope for a quick recovery for you."
While Tina irritably rolled her eyes behind the Roses, Brittany found the words and gesture sweet and comforting. It was nice to know there were people here who were nice and caring. It could almost balance out the brutality and heartlessness of the Peacekeepers.
Discussion with Amy aside, Brittany still found it difficult to go back to the open-minded views she used to have about Peacekeepers and the Capitol. It was starting to come more naturally to think of things as hatefully and cynically as Santana did.
"Thanks," Brittany shook off the wandering thoughts and remembered politeness.
And the box of pastries on the bedside table.
"Thanks too for the cookies and cupcakes and magically baked goodies." Brittany knew they were the exact same things sold at the Rose Bakery, and she couldn't think of anyone else who'd be nice enough to give it without expecting anything in return.
Instead, looks of confusion and surprise took shape on the faces of both Marley and Mrs. Rose.
"We thought it was from you." Amy opened the box and showed it to them.
"I remember delivering a few orders similar to that one." Marley's brow was furrowed as she thought back to the previous day. "One or two to the Victor Village, and two for the Peacekeepers and… I think that's it."
Brittany frowned, mulling over who would have snuck the box of pastries in and go through the trouble of being anonymous and sneaky about it. There was probably only one person Brittany could think of and the idea of it made her uneasy.
Some rambles and excuses:
This was originally going to be much shorter, but I was starting to miss the Brittana flashbacks, and Brittana in general, hence the way this chapter took on a life of its own. I ended up making adjustments to my outline for the next chapter, but it's still pretty set on its course. The next one's gonna be kinda short and filler-ish, but after that there's gonna be some excitement in Chapter 24. Heheh.
(I also apologize for the wait, I got really hooked on Once Upon A Time last weekend and wound up finishing the whole Season One and part of Season Two in just two days. Red and Belle each hold a special place in my heart. Also, Sleeping Warrior and Red Beauty 5evah)