Chapter 28: Barely Breathing
XXXXXXXXXX
We dare not think about tomorrow. Today comes quickly enough, with twists and turns, rises and falls, comings and goings. We lie somewhere in between those moments, catching our breath after the first sweet pulses of love have brought us to life. I never want to leave this place, but always want to remain here, poised on the edges of falling more deeply in love, breathless at the sight of the newborn sun as its first rays fall onto your face. Take me in your arms and hold me tightly, because even though I want to stay, I feel myself beginning to fade away.
XXXXXXXXXX
"The morning is almost here, Renji," Byakuya said in a soft, poignant voice.
Renji opened his eyes and marveled at the way Byakuya's skin seemed to glow from within as the light of the new day touched it. He wanted to stay and stare at that beautiful skin forever…to bury himself in the depths of dark, smoky eyes and that pale, beautiful body until everything else disappeared. He layered the somber lips with long, slow kisses and watched the worries fade and the passion return.
"Kuchiki Byakuya," he whispered, "My lover…"
The beautiful gray eyes fixed on him, gazing at him as though he'd never seen anything more lovely…and Renji wondered at how this noble, this one who seemed so far above him could possibly be looking at him as though he could be beautiful too. But the deeply tranquil expression said everything without words…and for the first time he could remember…Abarai Renji felt beautiful…and valued…and desired.
Their kisses grew harder and more passionate again, and their hands moved over each other's bodies, having spent the night learning the patterns, the curves and lines…and how to touch each other to cause the most intense pleasure. They met each other touch for touch, kiss for kiss and heart to heart, all boundaries and fences between them demolished. And suddenly, Renji sensed the desperation beneath Byakuya's movements, the long repressed desire, the fulfilling of need and the regret that it had taken them so long to reach this point. He locked his body warmly against the one that moved beneath him and met the noble's gaze questioningly. Byakuya paused as well, staring up into Renji's eyes with insatiable hunger.
"Tell me something," Renji whispered, "What made you do this now? We could have done this sooner…now…later…or never at all. Why now, Byakuya? Because…I think we both knew that the mutual desire was there. I know I did, and when I looked at you, I thought you must know it too. But you never said anything. You never let on that we were anything but taichou and subordinate. I sensed you fighting yourself…but now you aren't doing that anymore. Why?"
Byakuya held his gaze steadily, giving Renji a look that sent shivers up and down his spine.
"You won't believe me," the noble whispered, "or worse yet, you will…and you will think it is a stupid reason for me to do such a thing."
A slow smile crept across Renji's face.
"Taichou…I can't imagine either not believing you or thinking that something you thought was stupid," he said, laughing and capturing Byakuya's lips again, "Tell me."
Byakuya nodded briefly.
"I was passing through Inuzuri yesterday, on the way back from an assignment, and as I passed through the center of town, I saw a group of children playing a game. It seemed to be "Spin the Bottle," but when the bottle stopped, it was pointing at me. And the children laughed and said that I would be next to die. And it occurred to me that it wasn't really a game at all. This is how they live…not knowing who will be the next to die, just knowing the certainty of it. And whether by hollow…twist of fate…age…illness…we all come to that end. We never know when it will be our turn. Not that I think we will be parted tomorrow, but I think that if we let today go by without being honest about the fact that it could be all we have, then we could also neglect to say the things that need to be said while we are here to say them. How many days, do you think, we let pass without speaking of our feelings for each other? When I loved Hisana, I loved her without hesitation. When she died, some of the elders said that it was punishment for having loved where I should not. They wanted to make me regret marrying her. But I found comfort in having given everything. Because rather than leave me with nothing, she left her heart with me. And because my own heart wants to be with you, I don't want let another day go by without saying so."
He reached up and took the redhead's face in both hands.
"Renji, aishiteru yo," he whispered, brushing their lips together.
"Taichou, how could you say that something like that was stupid? That's beautiful…and just so it doesn't get left unsaid, aishiteru yo…Taichou."
Renji descended on the noble's open, willing mouth and sank deeply into that sweet, wanting flesh. He could feel the heart beneath the flesh that raced alongside his, read the surrender in those dark eyes and shivered at the beautiful sounds of pleasure Byakuya made as his body shuddered against Renji's, his pale hands holding them tightly together as he was filled and both were sated. Renji looked out at the rising sun and hated it for arriving.
"Taichou," he whispered, "I don't want to let you go."
Byakuya smiled.
"I don't want to let you go either," he whispered back, "but even when we go our separate ways today, we'll be together here…at heart, where it really matters."
"But I don't just want to feel it in my heart," Renji objected, "I want you with me, body, mind and heart."
Byakuya sighed softly and kissed him one last time, then lifted himself from the bed.
XXXXXXXXXX
Renji sat quietly at Byakuya's side, holding a slender hand in his and staring up at Unohana taichou.
"So tell me," he said, bracing himself, "Is Byakuya going to…be all right?"
The healer's eyes fixed him in place and sent an unexpected chill through him.
"It is possible for him to survive, but there is a difficult decision to be made."
Renji's eyes widened.
"What do you mean? You mean…our baby?" he asked, his voice shaking.
Unohana nodded.
"Simply put, Byakuya's body can no longer carry this child. He has been damaged too badly and we need to act soon to prevent his systems from failing."
"But," Renji said, his voice breaking, "the baby survived what happened? I mean…shouldn't it…?"
He stopped and rubbed his eyes. The healer placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"The attack that Aizen Sousuke forced him to use was too strong for his body to tolerate. To give him the ability to wield it, he manipulated one of Kuchiki taichou's spirit centers in a way that was hidden by the child he was carrying when we first found him. His body had been carefully scanned before the pregnancy was aborted, but we failed to detect the alteration then. We didn't realize what had been done. So Aizen was able to force Byakuya to release this attack and the altered spirit center was supposed to widen to accommodate the additional power. But Kuchiki taichou must have realized that to allow the reiatsu to flow through the altered spirit center would destroy the developing child. He instead, attempted to force the reiatsu through the rest of his spirit centers…and those centers were destroyed."
"Destroyed?" Renji whispered, "That means that…"
"It means that only the altered spirit center remains. It means that Kuchiki taichou is essentially without shinigami powers," she explained.
"No…" whispered Renji, "You mean…permanently?"
"There is one source of hope," Unohana told him quietly, "I have obtained permission to send for Inoue Orihime and Urahara Kisuke to assist me with Kuchiki taichou."
"Orihime can restore his powers?" Renji asked, hope flooding his eyes.
"She can," Unohana assured him, "but there is still the issue of your child. She cannot attempt repair of his spirit centers while he is with child and he will not live if he attempts to continue as he is."
"So…I have to choose…between Byakuya and our baby?" he asked in a trembling voice.
"There is no choice to be made," Unohana said, her eyes somber, "It is true that you and Byakuya are soul bonded, is it not?"
Renji nodded.
"Then your life is also at stake here…because if your soul is bonded to Byakuya's and he dies, you…and the child will die as well."
"But the baby's life is expendable…is that what you think?" Renji said, tears rising in his eyes.
"I do not believe that anyone is expendable, but I do believe in preserving what lives I can."
"I can't…" Renji said, choking on his words, "You have to…?"
"I think that your baby can be saved, but I will need Urahara Kisuke's help…and yours, as well."
"Just tell me what to do," Renji said, tears overflowing onto his cheeks, "If our baby can be saved, I'll do whatever you want me to!"
Unohana nodded.
"Very well, then. Let me explain. The fact that you and Byakuya are soul bonded means that a connection has been made between you and your bodies have achieved resonance. Because that resonance exists, his body and yours are, in essence, extensions of each other. What this means…is that if the spirit chamber within Byakuya can be successfully removed from his body and implanted in yours…you can carry this child to term."
Renji froze.
"Wh-what?" he whispered, feeling his breath stolen away, "Me? Have a baby?"
"Byakuya's body is overwhelmed. Between the effects of his own attack and Soutaichou's ban kai attack, he was nearly killed. His path to full recovery will be difficult, but I believe that if you can do this for him, it will bolster him and help him to fight. Because right now, he is fighting a losing battle. We must act quickly if we are to save him."
The door opened and Isane peeked into the room.
"Unohana taichou," she said softly, "Inoue Orihime and Urahara Kisuke have arrived."
The healer smiled.
"Good, have them wait in my office. I will be there soon."
The door closed and Renji felt Unohana's eyes on him. He leaned forward and kissed Byakuya gently on the lips. The noble remained perfectly still except for the light intake and release of breath.
"Everything's going to be okay, I promise you," he whispered, "Unohana taichou, Orihime and Urahara Kisuke are going to help us. We're going to be okay…you, me, and our baby. I just hope you don't mind if I help. I know how you try to be strong enough to do everything on your own, but this time, you really do need me. So just be calm…and get well, Bya. I promise…I won't let anything happen to you or our baby."
"Then you are decided?" Unohana asked.
"Hell, there was no deciding about it!" Renji exclaimed softly, "There was no way that I was going to let go of our baby…not without a fight."
Unohana nodded, her expression serious.
"And we will certainly give this our best effort. However, you must be aware that Kuchiki taichou remains in a guarded state…and it is not guaranteed that your body will tolerate the pregnancy well. There are risks to all three of you."
"I know," said Renji, gazing down at Byakuya, "but there are risks in everything we do…and some risk is necessary. That's what he would say. If the roles were reversed, he would do this in a minute…I know he would."
"You and Kuchiki taichou have grown very close," the healer observed, "And your closeness, your soul bonding is what will see you through. Now, I want you to explain to Byakuya what we are going to do."
"Can he understand me?" Renji asked, furrowing his brow.
Unohana smiled.
"Perhaps…and perhaps saying the words aloud will help you come to terms with your choice. I will be back in a few minutes…and we will begin."
Renji watched as she left, then turned back to the pale, silent man in the bed beside his chair. He stood and leaned over Byakuya, brushing the hair away from his eyes and touching his face lightly.
"We're going to get started pretty quickly now," he said softly, "You need to stay relaxed. They are going to take the baby, but it will be all right. We won't lose our baby. I promise…You have to let me worry about that and concentrate on getting better. Orihime is going to help restore your spirit centers."
Renji shivered, thinking again about what was going to happen. He reached over and placed a hand on Byakuya's abdomen, then rested the other hand on his and tried to imagine what it was going to feel like to have that reiatsu inside him. He found that, despite all of the fears he felt, he couldn't think about that and not smile. But even so, the opening door made his breath catch and his heart pound in his chest.
"Are you ready, Abarai Renji?" Unohana asked.
He knew that, in fact, he sure as hell wasn't, but he smiled and nodded, then climbed into the bed the healers wheeled into the room.
XXXXXXXXXX
Byakuya felt the first touches on his abdomen and his heart sank.
Oh…kami…not again. It happens over and over…
He felt tears on his face, but couldn't move to stop them or to brush them away. He felt Renji's presence and tried to focus on that, but there was no distracting himself when his abdomen was opened and the healers began to gently remove the spirit chamber.
No…no, not again! Please, not again…
He tried again to move and managed a sobbing moan.
"Damn!" sighed Kisuke, "He's waking up again. You have to keep him under…"
He felt cool hands on his face and felt himself fading away again. He felt himself returned to the dark environs of Las Noches, the sterile infirmary, the cold touches and voices that admonished him for failing again and again.
Your emotional and physical fragility have caused you to lose our child…You are weak. I worry that you will prove useless. You must not fail. If you want to see Akane again, then you must allow this…
And all of a sudden, he couldn't remember where he was or how he had gotten there. He remembered going home, but being taken back to Las Noches.
Where am I? What is happening?
Voices broke into his thoughts.
"The spirit chamber is out. But he's becoming unstable. We need to heal the wound and let Orihime take over."
"Hang in there, Kuchiki taichou," Urahara's voice said quietly, "You're going to be fine. Just trust Orihime."
But as he sank down into the darkness and silence again, all Byakuya could feel was that unbearable emptiness. He couldn't make his body move, couldn't cry or speak or scream. He felt his mind descending into chaos, but was suddenly and inexplicably calmed by the feel of a rough, calloused hand settling in his.
Trust them…and trust me. Everything is going to be all right.
Byakuya suspended everything on the feel of that warm hand in his, the calm words, and the resolve he felt beneath them.
I trust you, Renji.
I trust you with everything in me...my body, heart, my very soul.
He took a soft, shuddering breath and sank down into that warm, loving presence that had become everything to him. And despite the fears that still surrounded him, he let go of awareness. letting his body fall into the deep, quiet calm. He could feel the steady beat of their hearts in perfect cadence, and the tiny heart that continued to beat softly beneath.