Chapter 11- And Ernie is Cthulu

CN: I sed stup flaming u prepz! SEE IF DIS CHAPTR IS SRUPID!123456 It deals with serious issues! (While Tara deals with paying me my drug money.) Btw, fangz (I can't tell if that was accidental or not. Either way, it's Tara-brand stupid!) to my friend Raven for helping me! Y'know, Raven? That girl who totally appears in this series?

"NO!" I screamed. I was whorified! No, wait. That's later in the story. Hermione tried to comfort me, but, it didn't work, and I told her to fuck off. Because, that's how people talk to their friends, right? RIGHT?!

I ran off to my room so I could cry/slit my wrists to the sound of screeching little girls- I mean, Goff bands. Dumbleedore chased after me shouting to be a sane person for once, but I ignored him. I ran into my room. He can't follow me there! He's a Headmaster, it's not like he could just walk in!

Anywhoo, I started crying tears of blood (god that sounds like a shit band name... That I'd probably listen to.) and I slit both of my wrists. Usually I do it cuz watching paint dry is a prep thing, BUT THIS TIME I TOTES MEANT IT! Bloods got all over my clothes, and, since that's totally unsexy, I couldn't have any of that. I took off my clothes and hopped into the bathtub, throwing away my Rubber Satan Ducky at the stereos. I then got out, walked to the stereo, and turned on Linkin Park.

I looked down at Satan Ducky, and a tear went into my eye. How could I throw away my only true friend? As the tear fell down my sexylicious face, I looked into Satan Ducky's eyes, "H-how could I...?" I asked, "How could you forgive me?"

"You could kill yourself." Commented Satan Ducky, "Ya know you want to."

"Me, personally? Yeah, I kinda do. I mean, there's no way I'm gonna be able to get an acting job after appearing in a piece of crap fan fiction like this." I sighed.

"Uh, I kinda meant Ebony..." Replied Satan Ducky, "D-do you need help, Sara?"

"A little..." I admitted, pouting.

"Meet me in the trailer after filming." Satan Ducky suggested. I nodded, "Anyways, Ebony. KILL YOURSELF!"

"Why do you want me to kill myself?" I pondered, "And before you say it, my taste in music is DAMN GOOD!"

"No, no, no! Because you're just damn annoying, and the second you're dead is the second this story will fucking end!" He paused, "Excuse me, but being thrown gave me a headache."

"You don't have a brain..."

"Neither do you!" Retorted Satan Ducky, "Anyways, yeah. Kill yourself."

"Wait a minute," I threw Satan Ducky at the ground, "I just realized! You're a fucking rubber duck!"

"And you're a fucking bitch!" Satan Ducky yelled in anger.

"No, this conversation is only happening cause of severe blood loss," I chuckled, "Wait... I just figured something out! I guess bloodloss makes me smart..." Huh. I wonder if that's going to come up later in the story.

And then I walked off into the sunset, ignoring that hallucination. Theeeeee end...

Oh wait. I still have a 'plot' (I use the term loosely) to get to. Never mind!

I stood up and put on a black-lace low cut dress and a pair of shut the fuck up Tara I'm not going to do another description of my fucking clothing. And I couldn't fucking believe it. I looked like a tool. BUT THEN SUDDENLY, I looked out the window to see Snape and Loopy Laughin' Loopin on a broom watching me!

"WHAT THE FUCK NUGGETS?!" I screamed at the top of my emo screeching lungs, "YOU FUCKING STUPID PEDO BEAR BITCHES!"

Snape and Loony Laughin' Loopin just stood there, "What are you bloody well talking about?" Sighed Snap Crackle Pop- I mean, Snape.

"YOU'Z BE STANDIN BYE ME WINDOE WHILST I CHANGING!" I screeched. Yes, in shock, I have the magical ability of becoming stupider. Not all Sue-bilities are awesome. (Though this one is so un-sexylicious, it isn't even a Sue-bility... I have no idea why I brought any of that up...)

"No, you idiot!" Snape grunted, "We were flying past! We're off to spectate some Quidditch."

"I dun got us tickets!" Smiled Loony Laughin' Loopin.

"But why are you stopped at my window, then?" I asked, still not believing them.

"... The speed of my broom is none of your business!" Snape retorted with a frown.

I glared, "Fucking pedos."

Suddenly, Vampire bursted in. "Hey, everybody..." He said awkwardly, obviously not comfortable. Maybe he's not used to the concentrated awesome sexyliciousness that is my room...

"FUCKING PEDO STUPID BITCHES!" I screamed for some reason, waving my gun at Snape and Loony Laughin' Loopin.

"... Isn't that gun too high tech to work here?" Asked Loony Laughin' Looping, ironically saying something that doesn't involve his loony titalicious trademark: rape jokes!

"I'ma gonna bust a cap in your thingie-" I looked over at my door, "Hey look, Hargrid!" Hargrid entered, and told everyone that we needed to talk. Oooh, maybe I'll get to be in an intervention!

"What do you know, Hargrid?" Asked Snape, obviously not wanting to be here, "You're just our groundkeeper's little brother!"

"Actually," Said Dumbleedore, "He's a student now."

"What?!" Yelled Snape, "Why'd you let him in?"

"I thought he was Alan Moore. So I let him in, then suspended him for a week." Explained Dumbledore.

"But..." Snape hit his head on the wall, "Why would you possibly do that?!"

"Payback for the 'Century' book.*"

"Anyways..." Paused Hargrid for dramatic effect, "I'm a Hogwarts student..."

"We already established tha-"

"BUT I'M NOT JUST A HOGWARTS STUDENT!"

"You just said the contrary a minute ago..."

"I don't care!" Replied Hargrid with a frown, "Because I'm a Satanist!"

"Of course... They don't follow any form of logic!" Deduced Snape, "But there must a reason for this..."

"No there isn't!" I argued, "Remember? No logic."

"Oh god, a goff idiot just solved something before I did..." Snape sighed, "Now I want to cut myself."

Loony Laughin' Loopin tapped his chin, "So, does anyone else wanna go halfsies on pizza-"

"BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH HER!" Hargrid declared, pointing at me. We all just got M. Night Shamalan'd!

Dumbledore, Snape, Loony Laughin' Looping, and I stared at Hargrid. "S-should I have sang an emo song?" Asked the nervous Hargrid.

"That'll have to put 10 points off Slytherin," Commented Dumbledore, whilst swallowing a tylenol, "Do you need one too, Ebony? I saw your narration."

Snape sighed, "Don't worry, everyone. I can solve this with a spell..." Snape drew his wand out of his robe, "Pedophilus repellum!" He casted, aiming at Hargrid.

"Oh yeah, 'iCarly' is on!" He said with glee, "I must be off!" He then ran off, totally removed from the plot. THEEEEE END!

... Wait, didn't Draco kill himself?

Sorry for the length. At least this one didn't take half a year to finish! I can't tell if this is an improvement over the last chapter or not...