Disclaimer: Death Note isn't mine. I don't own, or am in, Evanescence.
AN: This is the first part in a two-part series. The next one is from Matt's point of view.
October
I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,
It's been 2 years since I last saw Matt, and I already miss him so much, I miss him too much. Sure, I missed some of my other friends, but not as much as I missed him. He was special to me, and it only took a few months' worth of separation for me to realize that. The lack of seeing him every day, of waking up to him sitting in the bed across from mine playing his video games, of me falling asleep to the sound of his video games. I miss it all.
I can't go on without him.
Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
Take me home,
I'm through fighting it,
So I take a chance and try his cell phone, silently praying that he kept his number. And, because of either luck or his lack of common sense, he did.
"Hello?" He sounded like he was in a dream.
"Matt?" I asked, probably sounding excited.
"Mells, man! Wazzup?" Something was wrong.
"Matt? Are you okay?" I tried not to sound too concerned, but it wasn't working.
"Chillax, man, I'm fine!"
Was he – oh shit!
"Matt? Are you HIGH?!"
"Sure, whatev! So whatcha want?"
Fuck.
"Matt," I pulled up a page on my laptop and connected my phone to that, "I'm going to take you home now."
Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You're my only strength,
He was worse off then I expected. I was able to track him down using his cell phone and it turns out he was living in a grungy apartment that he was close to getting kicked out of. The rent wasn't even $150 a month and he had a job pumping gas. He usually spends his money on pot, but sometimes he would try crack or heroine.
And seeing him so desperate broke my heart.
So I guess I became his personal rehab center. He couldn't go to a real one because I was trying to keep both my identity and his a secret.
In doing so I realized just how hard it was to care for someone else, but I was able to push through it, all because of him, all because I love him.
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.
"Mello," Matt whined, trying to get my attention away from my laptop (I was working on the Kira case, of course).
"Yeah?" I tried not to look up at him. I had to find Kira, I had to avenge L, and I had to prove I was better than Near.
"I want to talk to you."
That got my attention. I looked up at him quizzically.
"About what?"
"Uh…" Matt hesitated, "Well, you sort of saved my life."
"I never thought of it that way," Should I say it or not. Ah, hell with it. "But you sort of saved my life, too."
My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
"How?"
"If you weren't such an idiot, then you would have a different cell phone number, which means I wouldn't have found you. And I really missed you. I was almost to the pint of finding the closest bridge. So you, with your idiocy, saved me from myself."
"Well, it's pretty obvious how you saved my life. But you almost killed me, too."
"I know."
"I know you know."
"But you don't know that I was killing myself slowly when I left. Leaving you behind was hard."
"Why?"
"I'll tell you later. I'm going to bed, it's almost midnight."
And so I make a 'daring escape' in order to avoid telling him. This isn't the time or place.
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.
That night, I dream of him. It isn't one of those dirty fantasies that you hear about, but an actual dream, a nice dream.
Matt lied his head on my shoulder.
"Mello?" he said, "Do you believe in true love?"
"Matt," I replied, "Of course I do. It's how I feel towards you."
"Good, because I love you, too."
He leaned his face towards mine.
"Mello!" Matt woke me up.
"Wha?!" I jerked awake, hitting my head against his.
"Fuck!" we yelled at the same time.
"What is it?" I asked, rubbing my head.
"I hacked into Near's system, I have all his information."
"Fuck yes! Dude, I love you!"
He doesn't know I mean it.
I can't run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
So he did hack into the system. Which resulted in us sitting on the couch for like an hour, going through it. Matt went through like half a pack of cigs, and I ate 5 ½ bars of chocolate. That's how I found out about the 'murder notebook' and formed a plan.
"I'm going to get the notebook!" I cheered, jumping off the couch. I dragged Matt to his feet, grabbed the remote to the radio (yes, they exist), turned it on a random station and started dancing with Matt.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Matt asked me as I laid my head on his shoulder as the song changed to a slow song.
"Dancing," I replied, "I'm happy."
Matt wrapped his arms around my waist and we swayed for the remainder of the song. Even after the song was done and the radio guy was talking, we continued dancing. It was the best feeling ever. I think I can really give myself up to him.
In all my bitterness,
I ignored,
All that's real and true,
All I need is you,
"Mello," Matt said, "The songs been over for like 5 minutes."
"So?" I said.
"I just thought you should know that."
Then he kissed me.
What I said about dancing with him being the best feeling is now a lie.
With our tongues battling for dominance, I realize something – he made the first move. He felt the same way. I am so stupid, why didn't I realize this?!
I broke the kiss.
"How long?" I asked him, "How long have you felt this way?"
"Years," Matt said, "I realized it on March 22nd 2001. You?"
"I've felt it for a while, but realized it a few months after I left."
We kissed again and eventually retreated to my bedroom.
When night falls on me,
I'll not close my eyes,
I'm too alive,
And you're too strong,
Again, I change my mind about the best feeling ever. Sex with Matt beats the previous.
Afterwards, I lie in bed with him. I can't sleep, I'm savoring this feeling of belonging. This feeling of warmth with me and that warmth being Matt. I finally feel alive. No wonder I love him too much.
I give in and fall asleep, but not before wrapping my arms around Matt.
I can't lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
January 12, 2010
"Matt," I said, after getting off the phone, "You know I love you more than anything, right?"
"Mello, what's the matter?" Matt jumped away from his computer and walked up to me. He placed one hand under my chin and brought my face up to look at him.
"In order to beat Kira, I need your help. You're going to survive, but I – I don't know whether I will."
"Mello, you are not going to die. And if you do, I'll follow you."
"I'm sorry, Matt, but I can't ask you to do that."
"I will anyways."
"I love you, Matt."
My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My plan is set. On January 26, Matt and I will kidnap Kiyomi Takada. He will get away, but I – I will most likely not make it. So we decided to spend the last 2 weeks like a normal couple. Only, that involves one of us crossdressing to avoid stares. And that person was obviously me. I didn't even get out the door when Matt attacked me.
Another night in my bedroom.
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
A couple days later, Matt begged me not to go through with the plan.
"I have to!" I exclaimed, spearing my waffle, "It will result in Kira's defeat!"
"But it risks your life! If you die, then I don't know what to do…"
"Matt," I said, "I don't want to die and leave you, but this is something I have to do."
"No, Mello!" Matt started sobbing – he hasn't smoked in a couple of days and gets really emotional when he doesn't smoke. I have come to know his routines well. He has come to know mine.
He is everything to me and I might be leaving him again.
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.
So I write him a letter. It's really funny, we live together and I find myself writing to him. But I don't think I can ever voice how I really feel about him out loud. But written words have a way of making magic. Which is why I want to be an author if we survive.
But I can't think about the future, I only want to think about him.
Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I'll never stray again.
And so I cry when I'm done with the letter. Because I love him so much it hurts.
The pain becomes physical. I pick back up on an old habit I had stopped long before I left Wammy's house.
I'm sorry Matt, but I'm cutting again.
"Mello!" Matt walks into the room to see me doing just that, "What the fuck are you doing!?"
"I'm sorry, Matt," I choked out before he yanked the knife away and I fell onto the ground into a pool of black.
My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
"Mello, what possessed you to do that!?" Matt yelled at me when I woke up.
"I'm sorry…" I started crying again.
"Mello…" Matt engulfed me in a hug and I started sobbing uncontrollably.
"Matt," I managed to choke out, "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna leave you."
"Mello, you don't have to do this, you don't –"
"Yes, I do have to do this. It's going to get rid of Kira. The world will no longer be this insane Hell!"
"Mello, my world is going to be an insane Hell without you."
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
"Mello," Matt said, "You are all the world to me, you are everything to me. Without you I can't go on. If you die, I'm going to follow you. Don't protest because if we're both dead, then we can be together."
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love,
"Because the truth is that I love you, Mello."
My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
The first time he's said that to me.
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
And I know he means it.
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.