A/N: Ahh! I'm so excited at the reviews I'm getting! Seriously I jump online and squeal at the comments! I think my family believe that I am truly insane now! I am so sorry for not updating, honestly I am. Everything is mad here and I ... forgot! I know, I know, please don't kill me, but I will try to update as much as I can this weekend!! Annie.

Although, she didn't mention it, Ziva took Charley's death really hard. She couldn't bring herself to look at Ginny when she came to pick up her things. The child ran up to Ziva and hugged her legs like she had previously, but Ziva just patted her head and pushed her away.

"Mummy's gone to live with the angels now." She sniffled.

"I know, my dear. But she is safe. Now you better go, your Nana will be worried." Ginny ran off, and Ziva walked back into the flat.

"What was that about?" Tony asked as she walked in.

"What are you talking about Tony?" Ziva asked angrily.

"You barely looked at that girl. She needs a little sympathy right now." Tony all but yelled.

"I let her mother die!" Ziva shouted. "I... can't look at her, without knowing that." She said a little more calmly.

"It was not your fault Ziva. Trust me on that." Tony soothed.

"Any news on the case?" Ziva asked as she watched the children and their grandmother take suitcases out of the apartment.

"I don't know, NCIS have no control over it. I don't get any news. Sorry." Tony watched his partner and sighed. "Zee, you have to stop blaming yourself."

"Why do you call me that? You have never called me it before."

Tony just shrugged. "It's different." He mumbled as he walked into the living room. Ziva sighed and pushed her hair off her face. Tony was right of course, it wasn't her fault, but she couldn't help thinking what if? What if she'd been home, could she have saved Charley? The question had been bugging her and was giving her a migraine. She sat on her bed with her head in her hands and rocked herself slowly. She jumped when he cell rang.

"Ziva Meir"

"Hey? Ziva? You ok?" Crackled Jane on the other end of the phone.

"Jane. Hi. Sorry, I'm just a bit preoccupied." Ziva sighed.

"Oh. I was just wondering if you wanted to come for a coffee or something." Jane asked.

"Oh, Jane that is really sweet, but Tony is here, and well, I want to spend time with him. I am sorry."

"Oh no, don't worry." Jane said disappointedly. "I'll find something else. Bye." She hung up and left Ziva feeling even lower if that was even possible.

..................................................................................................................................................................

Tony lay on the floor that night and listened to Ziva tossing, turning and mumbling in her sleep. She hadn't been sleeping right for some time, and it was killing Tony, seeing her so distressed. She would occasionally cry out, and then whimper and settle down again. Tony slowly crept up to her and touched her face. She shot out of bed and grabbed his hand. She pinned him up against the wall by his throat.

"Zee! It's me! Calm down." Tony choked.

"Tony?" Ziva said, and looked puzzled. "You should know not to creep up on me like that." She released him and sat on the bed with her head in her hands.

"I didn't. You were having a nightmare. I was... I'm sorry. You want to talk about it?" Tony asked as he sat next to her.

"No I do not." She saw his hurt face and quickly added "I am sorry, I just normally have nightmares. It is part of growing up where I did. You just have to deal with them." She shrugged.

"Well, I'm here." Tony smiled. She smiled weakly back and sighed deeply.

"I just wish I was able to save her. Charley I mean. I should have... could have... I... do you think you could pull some twine with your friends at Metro and find out the development with the case?" Ziva looked at his green eyes and smiled a little.

"It's string, and sure. I liked her as well you know." Tony said. "Are you gonna tell me what's on your mind?" He asked. As he did, he reached over a tucked a bit of hair behind her ear. She flinched and he put his hands up. "Sorry." He mumbled.

"Do not be, I am just on edge. I just... do not worry, try to sleep Tony." She climbed into her bed and rolled over and nearly jumped out of bed when she realised Tony had climbed in next to her.

"What the hell are you doing DiNozzo!?" She cried.

"Going to sleep like you said. The floor is killing my back." He grinned.

"Why do you have to do this? Every time I think that you are growing up, you turn right around and turn into a child again! I have given up on you Tony." She yelled as she sat up.

"Why do you push me away?! Every time I get close to you, and I think I might have a chance of getting in that head of yours..." He pointed to her forehead as he yelled at her. "You just push me Ziva! You're so scared of being hurt; you push people away so that you can't get attached!" He shouted. He was starting to lose it, but with himself. He should've been there for her all the times she needed him, except he played the idiot and teased her.

"What do you know Tony?! You are not a psychologist! I do not need analysing! When did you start to care?!" She threw her hands up and sighed as she walked to the other side of the room.

"I have always cared for you!" He trailed off as he realised what he had said and looked at her as he walked next to her. "Just, don't push me away, I'm not going." He whispered.

"How can you promise that? Our job means that any day could be out last." Ziva sighed.

"We are all born to die." He pointed out. "But I will not leave you if you need me."

"I do not need any one." She sniffed. "I was born, I have lived and I will die alone, and I have accepted that. I can't get close to people because if something happens to me, I will leave them behind, and I can not be that selfish."

"Did you ever think of a life out of Mossad? You know you could leave and live in America permanently." Tony suggested

"I thought of that after... after Zara. But every time I went to leave my father would always say 'Please, Ziva, stay for your dear Aba. You mean the world to me' and I could never leave." Ziva said as she looked at her feet.

"But he can't make you feel guilty here. Think about it." Tony said as he lifted her chin.

"There was a man in Afghanistan that I meet once. He was a solider and he saw this mother and her baby and toddler walking along the street. He told her to choose one of her children to die. She refused and asked him to kill her instead, but he wouldn't do it. He told her to choose one of her children, or it would be both. She chose the toddler. The screaming child was taken from his mother's pleading arms, and shot in front of her. 3 days later she killed herself." By the time Ziva had finished, she was whispering and shaking.

"It wasn't part of my mission, but I hunted that man down and I killed him." She smiled a small smile, that didn't reach her eyes. "I have done some things I am proud of, some things I am not. I could not let that man walk away, and I think that if I stay in America, there will be someone else that needs to be taken care of. I cannot leave Mossad; until I am sure that I am no longer needed." Tony nodded and pulled her arm gently.

"Come on, you're shattered. Into bed." He sighed as he climbed in next to her.

"Sorry, Tony. For everything. Thank you." She mumbled as she drifted off to sleep with Tony softly stroking her arm.

A/N: OK, I'm not overly impressed with this chapter, but I think I have deprived you all for too long so here you go! Oh and the story about the man in Afghanistan is true. My uncle is currently serving in the British Army out there and has told me many stories similar to that one. I couldn't get that specific one out of my head though, and I felt as though I had to mention it.