12th of August
It was an average day, in my average home, on my average couch, staring at my average TV. Everything was average. A perfect, calm, lazy, hot summer day. It had been this way almost every day ever since i came back to New York. of course for the first couple of days back here, i made a habit of crying myself to sleep replaying that night with Felix over and over again in my mind. but life went on. guys at the agency were fairly satisfied with my work, even if it was just for a day.
But today wasn't so average anymore when i realized something that froze the blood in my veins. i was late. almost two fucking weeks late. i tried to make myself believe that it was just stress or the change of weather or anything other than the fact i could be carrying the Swede's baby.
14th of August
I had tried so hard to not face my fear, but two sleepless nights led to a decision. "i should get a pregnancy test" was all that had been crossing my mind since i woke up from a restless nap. funny how peeing on a stick could turn your life upside down.
an hour later i was sitting on the white marble floor of my bathroom, staring at the two little dots. i didn't even have enough power to shed a single tear. i knew what i should do, one way or another. i had my savings on the side, i could easily afford an abortion but something inside me tempted me, convinced me that Felix should at least know. but how? i couldn't have written a letter saying i was carrying his child and send it to his fanmail P.O. box and i certainly couldn't have flied to Italy, walk up to the doorstep of the house where he was living with his girlfriend. i was lost, no where to be found.
25th of August
"Ha ha ha, hooow's it going bro's?!" I had been spending most of my spare time on YouTube, watching Pewdiepie's videos and also Marzia's. Gosh, they were perfect. A handsome guy and a pretty girl, going on to their 4th year. Although i hadn't seen a new video of them together for a while now. I had changed my mind about telling Felix, and i had mixed feelings about the abortion. I still couldn't got myself to schedule the operation. I just couldn't. Ever since i was 15 i have always wanted to be a mother one day, and i was already 4 weeks pregnant. But of course this was not the way i planned it. I was supposed to graduate college, get a steady job, meet the love of my life, have a beautiful wedding, and one day announcing my husband i was pregnant by surprising him with a baby sized shirt that read "I love my dada". one out of five, heh, at least he could have easily been the love of my life.
I wasn't a strong believer in god, but i knew for sure some grater power had our fate written even before we existed. could this be how my life was supposed to work out? was this a part of the great plan? either way i couldn't have afford a baby on my own, not economically, not physically not mentally. and i was sure as hell my family wouldn't support a child out of wedlock.
I was waiting for a miracle, but i didn't know i might actually get what i wished for...