1st of September (AM)
My Junior year was about to start in 2 weeks. If i was going to have the abortion, this was my last chance. i was considered a quite skinny girl and so i started growing a cute little baby bump even though it was only my fifth week. I knew i didn't have any other choice, so when i woke up that morning i was certain that i would contact an abortion clinic. It was a hard time i was going through, but considering the pains i had endured in the past, it couldn't have been that hard to deal with a small surgery by myself.
New York had always been loud, but that morning at 5AM, there wasn't a single sound, so i had no trouble noticing the engine noise of a car which was parking right in front of my apartment. My neighbors were weird people, it was like an AA meeting building, so i assumed it was one of them, returning from partying out till morning.
I was busy contemplating about how screwed i was when i heard a slow knocking on my door. It was actually creepy since let alone in this hour, i NEVER had visitors over. I hesitatingly spaced the door without unlocking the chain lock. It could have been a murderer, but i guess at that point dying didn't seem like the worst scenario after all. i peeked from the small space, seeing non-other than the dirty blonde haired man i loved standing with arms crossed on my hallway.
- Um... Hi... i said, and i didn't even realize that i haven't opened the door fully yet. i was so shocked that i wasn't completely conscious of my actions.
-Are you going to let me in? he said with an angel-like voice. i said "oh, sorry about that" as i let him in.
I could read an emotion from his face, but i wasn't sure what that emotion was. was it shame?
-Are you okay? you look like you've just seen a ghost or something. he asked in a worried way. i didn't know what to say. in fact, i didn't want to say anything at all, because i knew as soon as i opened my mouth i would start crying. trying to hold the tears in, i shrugged him off:
-I've been feeling a little sick lately, that's all.
there was an awkward silence for a minute which felt like an hour. so interrupted the silence asking what he was doing here.
-I know you would like to never ever see me again, but i felt like i needed to see you. he said touching my arm softly. i stepped back. i felt angry. he was so selfish and he couldn't have even imagined how he ruined everything by showing up.
-How's Marzia? i asked, facing towards the window of my living-room, trying to hide away the bad feelings that were rushing through my every cell.
-I wouldn't know.. he sighed and continued "It has been a while now since we broke it off"
I felt a little spark flaming in my heart, burning up all the way to my throat with a gleam of hope. But no, i wasn't going to give in to this false hope.
-I'm sorry, i knew what she meant to you. "your future", that was what you told me, right? i couldn't help but sound deeply hurt. he approached me from the back, putting his hand on my waist.
-No! i cried, pushing his hand away. "I won't fill in the gap for her until she decides to come running back to you again!"
-I'm sorry, i didn't mean for things to work out the way they did back th-
-NO! You don't even know what you should be sorry for Felix... i said, as i took his hand with tears running from my cheek and placed it on my belly. "That's what you've done to me. I'm used to the heartbreaks, but not to this burden you've left me all alone with."
His expression was like a 5 year old child's who was lost in the mall. Confused, scared.
- I-i... he just stood there looking right into my eyes.
- Sorry, i didn't mean to make a scene Felix... it's okay, don't worry, i'll have the abortion and you can just move on with your life. It'll be as if we've never met. As if i had never fallen for you, and as if you were never here... i felt so numb because of the sadness that took over my body that i couldn't even cry anymore.
- It doesn't have to be this way! i could hear how upset he was from the tone of his voice.
- I don't suppose you suggest we live happily ever after in a big big castle. i said sarcastically.
he came closer, there wasn't even an inch between us. he put his hand on my cheek.
- I can make this right... I can afford to financially support a family, OUR baby. I can be here holding your hand through this. I can be there for our son or daughter. I can-
-What about me Felix?! i yelled as i cut his sentence off and pushed him away. "I was supposed to have a future, a career and a REAL family, with a husband by my side and with a baby -that won't be called a bastard for the rest of its life- on the way!"
- I was going to say "I can love you"... I came here not knowing i was going to be a father, i came here to tell you i need you. So don't make it sound as if i wouldn't want this if it wasn't for the baby!
I was baffled. He could love me? He needed me? what was that even supposed to mean. But all i knew was that i felt happy for the first time since that night in LA.
- So what now? i asked after a minute or two, relieved, and with a smile on my face which obviously filled him with hope.
- Maybe we can discuss it over a dinner tonight? he suggested with the most heart warming smile i had ever seen.
- Pick me up at seven?
and so he left after placing a kiss on my forehead, altering everything i had figured out for my life. and i knew he was going to return for the night.