17th of September

I didn't want to leave our room. I was filled with shame and guilt, i didn't want to face anyone. I had betrayed the man who loved me, and the baby in my belly. I had betrayed myself, my future, my dreams. Everything just felt so wrong. Everything WAS wrong. I shouldn't have gone to VidCon from the start. I screwed up big time and just when everything started to turn out good, i screwed up again. I just couldn't had walk straight up to Felix and confess my affair but i didn't want to put on an act for him for the rest of our lives which i thought would be spent together. But it wasn't this hard with Toby, we didn't want each other just because we had to, and I felt like i had to be with Felix because i was obliged to. Was i just looking for an escape from all this overwhelming situation? I couldn't just leave, untimely taking off from yet another conference. I couldn't just kept on running away. I had responsibilities, i had a life that was sprouting in my womb. I had to live with the harsh facts, my mistakes.

Felix left for the conference around 12 o'clock, he was pretty insistent that i tagged along but i said i still wasn't feeling so well. At least i didn't lie, i DID feel like i was dying inside.

I took a long bubble bath, with my hands on my baby bump. "I'm so sorry for turning your life upside down before you were even born. But i promise i will love you for the rest of my life. We may have to be alone, but we will have each other no matter what." I sank my head down into the tub, blending my tears with the bubbled water.

it read 17:43 on the screen when i got a text message from Felix just after putting my nightgown back on.
"Hey, i'm going to head out with my bro's would you like to come?"
"I'm not really in the mood"
"Come on it will be fun, WE ARE GOING TO THE DISNEYLAND!"
"That would be fun... if i wasn't an expectant mother Felix, I can't ride anything you know..."
"Oh, i forgot about that, but please come, i feel like we didn't get to spend much time together since we arrived"
"Just go on and have fun, i'll be here when you come back tonight ;)"
"Well, suit your self, i won't pressure you if you are going to be all mine in a few hours"
"Have a good trip! xoxox"
I was frustrated, i had never been to Disneyland before, and i had always wanted that. But if i went along with the guys, i would just be able to watch those gigantic machines and hear the screams. That would be too tempting for me to bare. Although in a few years it would be pretty good to come back here with Felix and our 5 year old to have some Disney fun. Ah, the future looked so bright, but my past kept haunting me, literally knocking on my door.

I answered the door without a second thought. And as soon as i saw the man standing in the hallway, that feeling came back, that shameful feeling.
-Toby, what are you doing here, i thought you guys were going to Disneyland?
-Nah, I didn't feel like i was up to it.
-Well, i don't feel like standing the sight of your face.
I tried to close the door on him but he stopped the door with his hand.
-Look... can't we just... talk for a minute?
-What do you want Toby?
-I don't think what i'm going to say is appropriate for us to talk in the middle of the hallway.
-Right... Come on in.
He made his way to the couch, i could see how nervous he was. I had never seen him in such a bad state. The man sitting there wasn't Tobuscus, hell, i wasn't even sure if it was the Toby Turner i knew.
-I heard something today, i thought you had a right to know.
-What is it? Just spill it out.
-Uhm... today Felix asked me for advice about... uh... how to break the news to you.
-What do you mean? just fucking tell me already!
-Well... H-he is going back to Sweden.
- Wha-
-Don't worry! He's not leaving you or anything, he is just going there until you two find a place to live in.
-Oh... Um... we never talked about that, but i guess, that's okay. Thanks for letting me know.
-...The thing is, he has scheduled a flight for the night the conference ends.
-Fucking great! What the hell am i supposed to do?!
-He assumed you'd just go back to New York, wait for him to find a place to live.
-Wha.. I don't even know where the fuck we'll live! Does he want me in Sweden or will we stay in Ameri... Shit... God, Felix...
-Calm down, he will talk to you tonight, he actually wanted to tell you when you were in Disneyland but obviously you skipped that out.
-Wait, how did you know that i didn't go?
-I figured, you wouldn't want to see me...
-Yeah, that didn't work out quite as planned.
I said sarcastically, i must had hit a soft spot because he angrily rose up on hi feet and yelled:
-Why the FUCK do you hate me?!
-BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING I HAD FIGURED OUT FOR MY LIFE! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT TO GO ON WITH THIS BULLSHIT WITH FELIX SINCE I MET YOU!
I don't know what had happened but the moment i opened my eyes, Toby had already trapped me between his body and the wall, kissing me. I felt his warm hands rising up on the back of my thighs under my nightgown. He suddenly lifted me up, cutting my feet off the ground. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he placed me on the dresser. I could feel his bulge through my panties, pressing itself against me so hard. I unbuckled his belt and he dropped his pants. Then he slid my panties to the side and thrusted in me. I whimpered, knowing that i shouldn't scream.

We were on Felix's and my bed when Toby let out a loud moan as he came. This man had awoken the basic instincts in me. I hated him for this, he was stopping me from acting logical. We were laying on the bed, breathless, when he said the craziest thing:
-Don't leave...
-What do you mean?
-Come to Los Angeles with me.
-Are you out of your fucking mind Toby?
I laughed, but then i realized how dead serious he was.
-Look (name), i want you in my life, as long as you can stay. i know there's a future awaiting for you, but i can also see that you don't want it. So come on, runaway with me, even if it has to be for a short while.
He took my hand and kissed it, i just gaped at him. How could he dare saying this? But more importantly, why did i wanted to go with him?
-I can't... Toby... i'm going to be honest now and maybe a little bit too forward, but i don't want to fall in love with you. And the more time i spend with you the fonder my feelings grow. But i have a family, not currently maybe, but i will in a few months. I owe my baby a good life, with both of his or her parents in it. And if i fall in love with you, i can't be with Felix. I can't live a lie.
-But you don't love him!
-I DO!
-Then why are we here? Why did you even kiss me yesterday?
- I-i...
-Just.. Think about it alright?
He got up, pulled up his trousers and got into his black jacket. He stormed out before i could object.

If i stayed in that room for another minute i would have lost my mind, or whatever there was left of it. I put on a dark skinny jean and a tight white tank top and left the room after i slipped into my converse's. I had to empty my mind, take a break from this charade.

While i was at it, i could had called my parents, right? i had already hit the rock bottom, it couldn't got any worse than that, so i figured "why not?". I sat by the main entrance of the grand Caribe Royale and picked up my phone, took a deep breath and hit dial.
(in another language)
-Hi mom!
-Oh my baby, it's been so long since you've last called! We were starting to get worried about you!
-Yeah, um... Mom... I need to tell you something but promise me you'll love me no matter what.
-(name) what did you do again?!
-PROMISE FIRST!
-Alright, alright, i promise. Besides, a mother loves her child no matter what, even though she gets upset sometimes. But i don't expect you to understand that before having a kid of your own.
-Yeah.. Since you've brought it up...
There was a silence.
-Mom, are you there?
She didn't answer me.
-Mom are you alri-
-How far along are you?
I could hear the devastation she was trying to hide in her voice.
-Um... almost 8 weeks, i guess...
-YOU GUESS!? Tell me, whose is it?
-A Swedish guy named Felix...
-How long have you been together? How do you know him? What does he do for a living? How old is he?
-Mom calm down, let's go one by one, please. His name is Felix Kjellberg, he is 24 years old, he has a good and stable income from his internet business and i met him during a conference i've been sent by the agency.
-Does he know? I mean, that you are... GOD, I CAN'T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO SAY IT!
-Mom, don't worry, we're together, actually we are looking for a place to live.
That wasn't completely a lie, Felix was going to tell me about it tonight anyways. I tried to keep calm and calm my mother down too.
-Oh my god... What about your college, your future?!
-My future is with the baby inside me mom, and i promise to continue my education next year!
-Your father is going to be so mad! I hope he doesn't have an heart attack!
-Don't tell him yet ma, i want to tell him myself.
After an hour of scolding and fighting and crying, she hung up. But i knew she'd come around, for her grandchild's sake.

I pulled myself together and went back to my room, Felix had already came back and his face brightened when he saw me:
-Hi there!
-Felix, i... I just had a long conversation with my mom.
I broke down, I hardly managed to stop crying when he held me in his arms and spoke up:
-I'm guessing it didn't go so well then?
-Yeah... but i know she'll come around. It's just that i felt like i was daydreaming and hearing my mom cry, brought me back to the real world.
-It'll be alright, i'm here for you.
-Are you REALLY Felix? WHY ARE WE EVEN TOGETHER?!
-Wha... What do you mean?
I was angry, and i'm guessing the hormones got me even more frustrated. I turned my face away before continuing, trying to hide my tears from him.
-We were drunk Felix... Yeah, i got pregnant, but does that really mean we belong?
-(name), you are not thinking clearly right now, so don't make a decision in such a blurry state...
His voice was trembling, i hated the fact i was genuinely hurting him, but it was for the best.
-Felix... I think...
I didn't want to go further with that conversation but i couldn't stop myself.
-I think, i need some time, to clear my mind, if it's alright with you...
-If... If that's what you want... yeah, i guess...
-But I just want you to know Felix... I DO love you.
I kissed him, but this wasn't the way i kissed Toby. It wasn't lust, it was love.

I packed up, and left the room without saying another word, knowing that this could had been the last time i saw him. I was a wreck.