20th of September (AM)
We hailed a cab and he put the two luggages in the trunk. All i had said to him since our last conversation was "Thanks" when he picked up my luggage from the
claim.
We arrived at his place, it was really cool, fan-art all around, and Tobuscus-worthy. As soon as we stepped in to his house he dropped the two luggages down and went directly to what i figured to be the living room, i went after him and saw him stretching on the sofa.
-Hey Toby um, we're cool right?
-Come here.
He pointed right next to where he was sitting, so i plopped on the sofa right besides him. he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to himself,
leaving a kiss on my temple, then letting a sigh out.
-You were right, i didn't think it through.
-No it's OK. I just... don't wanna burn any bridges. And i'm sure you wouldn't wanna harm you friendship with him, too.
-Yeah, but he'll find out eventually, we might as well, act as if we're just friends.
-Speaking of which, what ARE we exactly?
He looked at the ceiling for a short minute, i could see his Adam's apple slightly move.
-I don't know... All i know is that i like having you in my life, and the moments you're not around feels empty.
He looked into my eyes reassuringly, and swiped my hair behind my ears.
-Toby... I'm really scared...
-Why?
-I'm scared of falling for you.
-Well, i'm not scared at all.
He leaned over me, cornering me on the sofa.
I loved his kissed, his touches, his charms, his voice... practically everything about him. and it was only a matter of time i started loving him. He pulled away and got up. He reached his hand out and said:
-I'm tired, let's go to bed.
As i took his hand he pulled me in for a quick kiss. we went to his bedroom with our laughters echoing throughout the hallway. We didn't have enough energy to unpack, so we just threw ourselves on the bed with our dirty clothes. He instantly fell asleep, right after he put a kiss on my forehead.
This wasn't feeling so wrong anymore. Actually, it almost felt right.
But when I woke up around 5AM (about three hours later), our unknown status with Felix was really bugging me. I rolled around in the bed, trying to get myself to get some rest, Toby was sleeping heavily. I got up and went to the backyard with my phone in my hand. It would had been 2PM there. I sat on the lagging. It was really cold in LA compared to Orlando. But i wouldn't even mind if i froze to death. I dialed his number, waited for him to pick up. He did.
-Am i interrupting with your work?
-Um... No. Is everything alright?
-Felix... nothing is.
There was a long pause, filled with my sobbings.
-You needed your space, and i gave it to. Isn't that what you wanted?
-But i never thought you'd go back home without even saying a goodbye!
I was so sad and trying so hard not to cry that i didn't even realize the words coming out of my mouth.
-Wait.. Who told you that i went back to Sweden?
I was surprised by my own stupidity, I didn't exactly know what to say.
-Umm, Toby had mentioned it when you left LA.
To make matters even more complicated, I heard a voice from the door, calling out to me, saying "HEY, you're gonna get a cold out here!"
-Wait was that Toby? Where are you?!
-Felix i...
I saw Toby facepalm from the corner of my eye when he understood i was on the phone with one of his best-friends.
-(name), i want you to be honest... What. Is. Going. On?
-Uh.. Felix... I didn't know what to do when you left without saying a word and he offered some help. So yeah i'm from Cali right now. I was waiting for you to call, but i lost my patience. I miss you Felix.
-Well, Toby must be a great consolation...
-Felix it's not like that! He's just a good friend that offered me a hand. You know i wouldn't even dream of another guy when i have you.
I knew while i was trying to win Felix back, I was losing Toby for good. I could hear his heart shattering. He sat down beside me, and just watched every lie i told. But even though Toby was everything i had ever wanted, the dirty blonde haired man on the other end of the line was the one who i belonged with.
After a long conversation, we settled on the conclusion of me flying to Gothenburg whenever i felt ready. Toby got up and cleared his throat, followed by a forced smile.
-Well at least i can upload my vlog now.
he turned around and went back inside without making another peep. I immediately followed after him.
- Toby i-
-YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE!
I was shocked when he smashed his fist to the wall, he was so upset that he turned red. I just gaped at him until he calmed down and continued his speech.
-...but probably it's the right thing for you, and your baby of course.
He leaned onto the wall, staring at his feet, his curly hair falling down on his forehead. I felt so helpless. I approached him, put my hand on his cheek and apologetically said:
-Toby, i have responsibilities. i have to make decisions for two, you know...
he suddenly took my face in his hands and kissed me. As we kissed, i could feel my tears streaming down his face. It was too late, i had already fallen for him. I wrapped my hands around his neck and he lifted me up, wrapping his arms around my waist. He carried me to the bed, almost never breaking the kiss. He gently settled me down and got on top of me.
What was i doing? I loved this guy in a more passionate way than i loved Felix. But i had to move on, for the sake of the baby inside my belly.
26th of September
It was my ninth week and I had started to grow out of my clothes, especially my jeans. It was time for me to get maternity wears. I was staring at how big my bump looked, half naked, in front of the mirror. I didn't realize Toby was staring at me until he said:
-You look beautiful.
Seeing him or even hearing his voice was excruciating. I was leaving, tonight.
A few hours later, I was in the bedroom about to finish packing my stuff up when i started hearing crazy footsteps and Toby talking really fast and loud. i spaced the door to see what he was doing. He was vloging, but this time, he was... hysterical. He was constantly smiling and laughing but his words sounded heart-broken.
"Audience, have you ever wanted something you can't have. Yeah haha, i have. ACTUALLY, i'm doing that right now. It can be a juicy stake when you're on a diet, or an expensive toy your mama doesn't buy you, or it can be -hahaha- a GIRL. Yes audience, i'm IN LOVE with a girl i SHOULDN'T. And i'm.. I'm on the verge of losing my MIND. Oh look, say hi to mirror Toby, audience. Hello, mirror Toby, what are your feelings about this particular situation? Well, Toby i think we're screwed. We are better of dead, i believe. OH C'MON mirror Toby, you're being over-dramatic! No i'm serious Toby, without her, your life will go back to being boring and pointless. I think... i think you should ask her to MARRY you! YES MIRROR TOBY I SHOULD! I really would... if i had the slightest hope of her saying yes -hahaha-, but she won't. She couldn't , even if sh-"
I entered the room and he quickly put his phone down. I knew he wouldn't want me to witness his break-down, but i did.
-I really couldn't Toby...
-I-i...
-Call me a cab, ok?
I left the room, knowing that i had caused so much damage to the man i love. I hopped in the cab that had arrived and left without saying a goodbye. Because I was afraid of not being able to leave, and his every word made it harder on me.