It seemed wrong for the sun to be shining so brightly on day such as this. In a special section of the cemetery the grey slab they were huddled around simply said "Keith Matthews 1985-2008". Right below it was a small simple line, "A friend that will be missed". You would think after twelve hundred years you would get used to seeing death, Susan never did. It was probably a good thing in a way, a friend of hers once told her if you stopped feeling you might as well be dead. She had seen some who did and even she had to question their humanity at times. She turned her attention away from the grave and to Father Andrews who was conducting the service. Susan then glanced over to rest of the small group gathered around it. Ser was silently crying. Natalya was holding on to Owen trying to comfort him. And Owen, now there she was actually worried, he looked devoid of all emotion as he just stood there. In fact this was the first time any of them had seen him since it happened. He was avoiding all of them.
"Amen," the Father finished and began wiping a tear from his check. They all said amen as well, but still keeping her eyes on Owen it looked like he was just going through the motions. He reached down and grabbed a handful of dirt only to drop it on the dark colored coffin. "I'm going to miss you my boy," the Father said while Owen walked away from them. "You were taken far too soon."
"He had a few extra months he wouldn't have had originally," Susan said. "If he wasn't one of us I mean."
"Does thinking that help?", he asked.
"No," she admitted sadly. "Not in the least. It's a trick to try to ease the pain, but it never does."
"It must be hard, continuously losing people you know and care about." They walked away as cemetery keepers came in and started filling up the hole. "I must be honest there are times I wonder why you take up friendships at all knowing what's going to happen."
"Because it would a very lonely existence if we didn't." He only nodded. There were times when Susan didn't feel as alive as other thought of her. This was one of them, times like these she felt very, very small. "And more than likely we would be driven mad from the loneliness. Just like anybody else."
"Owen are you going to be all right?", Natalya asked him. She went to put her arms around him but he pulled away from her. "Owen don't shut me out. I know you're hurting."
"Why don't you just leave?", he said. Natalya looked stunned but Susan closed her eyes. Again he was emotionless.
"Owen…," she began.
"That's what you do best right?", he continued as he turned around. "Use me to your heart's content and leave after you're done." All of them were taken back by his words. "Well you got what you wanted out of me. So what are you waiting for? Just get out of my life already!"
His head snapped to the side as Natalya slapped him. Grabbing his face she made him look at her. Holding back the tears she angrily told him, "I am not done with you Owen McAllister. Don't you ever forget that." Letting him go with a slight shove she stormed away. The Father was speechless but it looked liked Serenity had a few choice words for him. Susan stopped her and after a moment, after not being able to look at any of them, he left.
"Who in the hell does he think he is?" Serenity demanded.
"Ser look at him," Susan told her. He didn't go far before stopping and putting a hand to his mouth and closed his eyes. A moment later he walked off again, not even bothering to look back. "He's tearing himself up inside."
"So? He better start realizing he was acting like a jackass," Ser said. Susan couldn't fault her for feeling this angry. She had a few choice words in mind for him, but now wasn't the time. "He'd be damn lucky if Natalya took him back after that."
"Oh I agree with you there Serenity," the Father said. "But I have known him for a few decades now. Susan even longer than that. We both know what he trying to do. Even if neither of us agrees with the way he's going about it."
"He's trying to protect us," Susan clarified for her. "Any immortal worst nightmare is having somebody they care about being used against them in some way. And right now he thinks that the only way to protect us is to drive us away. But that's the pain thinking for him." And she sadly realized there was something else, but she kept that to herself for the moment.
"So what do we do?", Ser asked.
"For right now we do nothing," Susan said. "We let those emotions run their course and pray he doesn't lose in head in the process, figuratively and literally." She looked back to the grave as Ser and the Father kept going. She thought she saw Scott for a brief moment but whoever it was left before she could be sure.
Like with all things life went on despite how you were feeling. Susan and Ser went back on duty at the hospital. Ser was quieter than usual, not that she could blame her. Of course today death seemed to keep on coming. She was with a family who was standing around and elderly Grandfather. Ser put the sheet over his head as she walked them out the door. "I know it doesn't help, but he went peacefully. He wasn't in any pain at all." They thanked her for doing all they could, his daughter gave her a hug before leaving. Susan walked back into the room and found Ser staring at the sheet. "Sometimes I envy them," she said as she stood next to her student.
"I don't understand," Ser said looking at her.
"They have the option to die peacefully," she said. "It's a little unsettling at times knowing you can only die one way." Serenity started to tear up again. Putting an arm around her she comforted her as best she could. "Why don't you head home for the night. We can handle things from here."
"What if you get an emergency…," she tried to find an excuse. Anything to avoid being alone right now.
"We'll be fine," she assured her. "I'll call you in the morning and we'll talk things over." Reluctantly Ser agreed and Susan walked her to the locker room. Serenity didn't realize it but sometimes you needed to be alone with your pain for a while. Hopefully she'd live long enough to understand that lesson. Doing her rounds Susan walked off her route and found herself in the maternity ward. One of the little ones was starting to wake up and looked ready to cry. Susan picked her up and talked in soothing tones, "Now now, we don't want to wake your roommates now do we?" Checking her diaper she realized the little one was probably hungry. Taking a quick look at her chart she said, "Well then Sally let's go and get your belly full shall we."
Making sure she grabbed the right bottle, Susan held her until she was done feeding. Old school instincts had her burp the child before putting her back. Susan lingered a bit just watching the little one go back to sleep, wondering what the future was going to hold for this particular package from heaven. Feeling an Immortal's presence long before she heard the words she waited, "I thought you doctors were trained not to get attached." Looking up Natalya stood in the door way. Susan quietly left and joined her outside.
"It's funny," Susan mused, "before I became Immortal I couldn't see children in my life. After I learned I couldn't have any I felt strangely empty." Having a hunch about what Natalya wanted to talk about she guided her to the lounge. It was usually empty this time of night so they shouldn't be interrupted. And she was right because as soon as the door closed Natalya went off about Owen. Susan sat on the arm of couch and let her blow off this head of steam the built up. "Who in the hell does that stupid fucker think he is?!"
"You have to understand what…"
"I know what he's trying to do," she cut her off. "I was right there and I heard his uncle. They wanted me to use against him, not you." Susan wasn't sure what to think about that one, she had no idea that's what they wanted. "Somehow that bastard knew about us. I don't know how but he did. He's afraid they might try it again and succeed next time."
"Well they do say forewarned is forearmed."
Natalya looked down, when she finally spoke Susan was stunned again, "My flight leaves in a couple of hours. I just… I just come by to say goodbye."
Immediately getting up she tried to talk some sense into her, "You don't have to leave. I'm sure when Owen calms down he'll be begging for you to stay."
Tearing up Natalya had a hard time looking at her, "You might have known him longer, but I know Owen better than anybody. He's not going to stop acting like a fucking jackass until I'm gone. Beside I don't know if I want to be here if…,". She trailed off and turned away. Susan reached for her and Natalya immediately held on to her for dear life.
Trying to calm her down by lightly stroking her hair the older Immortal said, "I let you know the moment I find out either way."
"Thank you." Giving her a quick kiss on the cheek Natalya left her alone in lounge. Susan wanted to go after her, convince her she was wrong about Owen. But she knew her former pupil was right. She hates it when that happens. Before she left the lounge she took a quick look at the clock. It was one thing to be alone with your pain. It was another thing entirely to isolate yourself from those who can help you through it.
"Darlene, I'm calling an early night," she said to the nurse at the front desk. "I already talked to Fred and he's going to take care of the rest of my rounds. I have to see how a friend of mine is doing." In no time she was at Owens' apartment building. She felt the buzz as she got closer so she knew he was home. She knocked on the door but he wasn't answering. She knocked again and again no response. After a third time she added, "Owen I know you're in there. I'm not leaving until you open this door."
Hearing footsteps he opened the door then quickly tried to close it again. Getting a foot in the door she forced her way in. He didn't try to stop her so she took that as a good sign. Susan closed the door behind her as he went back to the counter. Picking up his long sword he took a whetstone to it's edge. "I've seen you like this before," she began. "After Korea, after you told me what happened with that girl. You think you're heading someplace dark and you're not sure if you can turn back." Still he said nothing. "You told me your friendship with Father Andrews helped you out then. So why are you tuning everybody out now?"
"Maybe I don't want to turn away from the darkness this time around," he finally said. She studied his eyes and knew there was no conviction there.
"And we both know that's not you," she countered. "Everybody knows that's not you. Even Finlay knew." He stiffened a bit but he continued to sharpen his blade. "I know Finlay could be a real bastard at times with a skewed world view, but he was right about one thing about you. You're stuck in the past. You may be living here and now but you mind is always with your Father or Deborah or Himiko. Are you going to add Keith to that list?"
Slamming the stone on the counter he simmered there. For a brief moment Susan actually feared for her life. But his eyes started to water and tears started to fall soon after. "I should have trained him better," lowering the sword his voice quivered slightly. "I should have pushed him harder. I never should have stopped until he could handle himself in fight. At least sooner than I did."
"And Keith went up against someone he was no match for," Susan said. "I know you don't want to hear that. Nobody wants to hear that. But it's true, it happens in our life." She went up to him and he silently cried. "But he died doing the one thing he knew you would do, he died trying to save someone." She held him as he cried a little more openly. "It's alright to be sad about losing him. That was one thing Finlay was wrong about."
"I just see so many things I should have done differently with him. Things I should have done better. He should have had more than just a few extra months."
"It happens Owen, we all lose students right after we get them. And we all think it's way too soon. I know I have more than once." She wondered if she should bring up her conversation earlier with Natalya. It was what he wanted, or thought he wanted. But she wasn't sure how he'd react. Still he should know. "I saw Natalya a little while ago." He braced himself for what she was about to say. "She should be boarding her plane any time now. Of course you know how dependable the take off and arrival times are."
He closed his eyes. Damn it she should have made Natalya tell her where she was going. Maybe she could convince Owen there was time to stop her. Instead he said, "It's better this way. She's can find and be with somebody worth her time now."
"Owen you don't believe that."
"It's not like there was anything between us any way," he walked away from her. Now there was a bold face lie if she ever heard one. Of course Susan was sure he was trying to convince himself of that more than here. The lies you told yourself when you were desperate to ease you pain. "We're just fuck buddies nothing more."
"Oh really now?", Susan wasn't convinced. She went up to him and kissed him passionately. When she finally pulled away she looked him deep in the eyes. She smiled a bit when she did. "I've seen the two of you kiss several times. And you are not looking at me like you do her." He walked toward a window and wouldn't look back at her. "Owen you can lie to yourself all you want. But as your friend I'm asking you, don't lie to me."
He was struggling with himself but finally he admitted, "She'll be safer this way." Susan was somewhat relieved he finally said it out loud. "She may never want anything to do with me again but I know she'll be out of their reach. Out of that maniac's reach."
"You don't have to tell me anything new there," Susan said as she sat on one of the stools. "I thought Dijkhuizen was a myth, like Methos, until I came face to face with. Fortunately it was on holy ground otherwise I don't think I'd be here." He remained silent, and Susan felt like summing up what he was doing, "So you're mourning the death of your student, isolating yourself from your friends and drove off one of the few people who would watch your back no matter what and no questions asked. What are you going to do now?"
"What am I going to do?" he repeated. "I'm going to follow a piece of advice Finlay tried to give me. I'm going to weed out my family tree." Susan was a bit disappointed in that but understood where he was coming from. "Then," he gazed into his warped reflection in the blade of his sword. Almost like he was seeing how twisted his soul was right now, "Then I'm going head hunting."