So I had returned to the Cullen household and Esme was thrilled to pieces. I returned to my normal diet and I hated to say, not liking it. It's not that I wanted to go back to human blood, hell no. It was just, it didn't taste the way it used to; they had lost their flavour. I promised Carlisle that it didn't matter and I would continue on the right path.
This is why I am out in the woods stalking a mountain lion. I pull myself into a crouch and listen to every breath it makes; they are limited I assure you. I breathe slowly and take in its scent. I creep silently closer when I hear a sound coming from the woods behind me. Human. The scent bombards me and instincts take over. The monster within rises from me and I leap on the unsuspecting person and slowly edge to their neck. It was a woman. As I got closer I hear her heartbeat getting louder and louder. Without a second's hesitation I plunge into her neck and begin to drink. The sweet liquid pours down my throat and I am hypnotised. I then pull through and I hear Carlisle in my head telling me what to do.
"Edward don't do it, stop!" I just can't do it though. The frenzy has already begun and it's impossible to stop!
"You are not a killer, you don't want to be a monster." This was exactly what Carlisle would say to me. I slowly lift my head.
"I don't need it, I don't need it!" I chant over and over in my head. I compose myself and slump by a fallen tree. The woman is not dead, but losing blood rapidly. But this fails in comparison to what I have really done. My venom pumps in her veins; I have created another vampire! I can't leave her now; she would become a complete savage. I don't know what to do so I figure Carlisle would know. I pick her up and slam through the forest with an immeasurable speed. I break twigs, branches, roots and don't even look back. I tear my way around trees and over rocks. It will take me 5 more minutes to reach home. God, I hope the girl will make it; she screams and writhes in my undead arms. To give me at least some peace of mind I have to know she would live.
Carlisle hears me frantically running to the house and I fly past him. I lay the poor girl down on our dining room table.
"Damn it, Carlisle, help me," I plead. He walks to me slowly and rests a hand on my shoulder.
"Edward, what happened?" he asks calmly.
"I was hunting and she got too near. But I don't want to be a monster Carlisle, I stopped and now I don't know what to do," I sum up for him.
"You stopped?" he asks, slightly surprised.
"Yes."
"I never expected anything less from you, Edward," he responds proudly. He then turns to the girl.
"There is not much we can do, either let her change and she may join us or well, I can give her anesthetic to put her to sleep. She is still human enough for that."
"But wouldn't you have to..." I just can't finish saying out loud what my thoughts are begging me to.
"Tear her apart and burn the pieces? Yes, I am afraid so but we can let her die peacefully before that." His eyes were a swarm of emotions: sadness, love, and many, many more.
"I don't think we are ready for another member in our family, I'm too much trouble for you as it is, let alone a newborn in the house. But I don't want her to die, it wasn't her fault." The pain starts to creep into my voice and Carlisle tries to comfort me.
"We don't want to bring the Volturi on us because we can't look after her," his words are even. "That way all of us would die," he added gravely. His thoughts tell me the relationship status between him and the Volturi. The light was of putting it is that He doesn't care for their ways. I sigh and then reply.
"Fine, anaesthetize her first please." Carlisle's form then fades from the room to go get his medical equipment while I slowly make my way to the girl.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen," I apologize uselessly. I know she can hear through the fiery pain that was engulfing her however, I can just make out her thoughts.
I forgive you, stranger and goodbye, she manages to think.
"Goodbye" I respond. Carlisle returned and looked at me with sorrow in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Why are you sorry?" Hysteria enters my short sentence.
"Because you have to hear her dying thoughts" oh, is that all.
"I can handle that." For something to do I turn back to the girl, I don't even know her name. "Are you ready?" I ask her quietly, she cannot speak but she lets me know through her thoughts.
Yes, I am ready to go into the arms of God. I nod to Carlisle and he comes closer to the girl. I had just signed her death certificate well and truly. He pulls out a needle and slowly slides it into the girl's arm. After that we both collapse into a chair around the table. We say nothing as the girl's breathing slows and slows. Her thoughts grow hazy after about 2 minutes and then finally there are no thoughts at all. She has gone. Off to a far better world, where I will never be accepted. I sigh and pick her up from the table, holding her close.
"Be at peace, dear one," I murmur in her ear.
Edward, we need to finish the job. I absorb his words then nod. We take her outside. Carlisle does the job while I collect wood. I take a match and light it then toss it carelessly onto the bonfire I have created. While the fire blazes scorching hot, the girl is placed piece by piece into it, burning alive. I sit with my knees to my chest, my chin resting on my knees, watching her burn. Carlisle came and sat next to me, watching me dubiously.
"She forgave you Edward, and I forgive you."
"Thank you, but that doesn't undermine what I have done."
"What, stopped yourself from becoming a monster by draining her of her blood?" he queries.
"I still killed her, didn't I? It doesn't matter that I didn't drain her of blood, I still ultimately caused her death."
"Being a vampire is definitely a paradox, isn't it, you don't want to kill yet you must. It contradicts itself greatly, never finding balance."
"I propose an ultimatum," I declare suddenly, with determination I haven't seen in myself for many months.
"Oh? Very well, I'll listen"
"I'll try and stop killing if you try and stop being so lenient!"
"Oh, I'm afraid that's in my nature, can't help you there," he joked.
"I would say killing is in my nature but then you would say otherwise so there's no point."
"True, true."
"Shall we name the girl seeing as we never found out?"
"Hmm if you wish."
"How about Lolita, it's a Spanish name meaning sorrow," I told him.
"That fits," he chuckled.
"Yes, it does at this particular moment in time," I sigh. "I have a name for you, Carlisle, Alejandro."
"And what does that mean?"
"Defender of mankind."
"Oh, Edward, you strange boy, I do what I must to make my life worth living!"
"Well you're very good at it." We rise and wander into the house and are greeted by Esme, who's back from her hunt. I was home for good now and that's the way it was staying.