Chapter 4
"What the hell did you do?" she repeated, moving towards her father.
He shifted somewhat uncomfortably. "If you had only told us about Andrew, we could have helped" he admonished.
Patrick glared at John. "Come on munchkin - Lulu, Brenda and Robin are here - let's go say hi" he said carrying her inside. He touched Nathalie's arm briefly and was not surprised to find it tensed. Oliver ran ahead coming to a dead stop when he saw everyone in the living room. He started to bounce up and down and stuck his fingers in his mouth. Patrick caught Nikolas' eye. "I think Nat might need you" he said quietly. Nikolas nodded and got up from the chair. It did not go unnoticed by anyone in the room how tightly Grace was holding on to Patrick.
"Tell you?" Nathalie spat, trying desperately to stay in control. "Why on earth would I tell you? How do you even know?"
"That's not important" he waved his hand. "What's important is that you have sat on this information and allowed for insurance payouts etc under false pretenses - how could you?"
Nathalie's blood pounded in her head. She didn't hear Nikolas come behind her. "How could I? HOW COULD I?" she bellowed. "How could you let a little girl find out that information? Do you have ANY idea what you have fucking done?" she seethed.
"Language Nathalie - there is no need to curse. We didn't tell her, she overheard us speaking. It's not our fault. It's your fault for not having said anything sooner. But I guess you were too busy whoring around as usual to take care of your responsibilities."
Blind with rage, Nathalie lunged for her father. Nikolas grabbed hold of her, pulling her back. "I am HER MOTHER and I decide - me alone - I decide what she knows and doesn't know!"
"See this" he said, pointing to her near foaming at the mouth "this is why you shouldn't have the kids. You are clearly unstable and you will damage those children."
"Get out" she hissed. "Get the fuck out of my life."
Her father shrugged and left, pulling the door closed behind him. Nathalie's breath came in short spurts as she continued to stare after the door. Nikolas held his arm firmly around her waist, pulling her to him. "Nat" he said quietly. She didn't respond, still too stunned to speak. It had been a conscious decision on her part not to tell her children that their father had committed suicide. Oliver was too young to understand and for Grace it was a loss of innocence that Nathalie wanted no part of. "Nathalie" Nikolas repeated, slowly turning her in his arms.
Her mouth was open and her eyes darted wildly around the vestibule. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest. She finally looked at Nikolas. "I can't..." she was unable to finish her sentence.
Nikolas held her tightly trying to soothe her. His own blood was boiling in a slow fury. As a Cassadine, he had a well developed dark side that he worked hard to supress but seeing John Harder blow his daughter's life to bit awakened the darkness in him. He was suddenly filled with the urge to hurt him in any way he could. "It's okay Nat" he tried to reassure her.
Pulling out of his embrace, Nathalie smoothed her dress. "It's actually not going to be okay Nik." She walked into the living room and saw Grace cradled in Patrick's arms while Lulu played with Oliver. There was an eerie silence hanging over the room.
"Gracie" Nathalie said, trying to soften her voice and eliminate the rage. "Come with me baby, we need to have a little chat"
"No" she said.
"Pardon me?" Nathalie said in surprise.
"You made daddy kill himself and I can't go with you."
Seeing Nathalie's knees buckle, Robin jumped from her chair and helped her to the couch. Noah's chair was empty as he moved quickly to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water. Nathalie moved to stand up but Robin kept a firm hold of her arm. "You can do whatever you need to sitting down Nat. Just breathe, okay?"
Patrick looked at Grace. "Gracie, why would say such a thing to your mom? You know that your mom loved your dad very, very much."
"No she didn't" she said firmly.
"Grace Louise Walker, that's enough!" Nathalie fumed.
Nikolas sat on the other side of her and rubbed her back. "Nat" he started quietly. "You can't fight with a four year old. She doesn't know what she's saying - she's just repeating whatever she may have heard."
"Gracie" Patrick said, running his hand over her hair. "Your mom is not responsible for what your dad did. She's been really, really sad about it and when you say things like that, it hurts her feelings."
Tears started to flow down her face. "I don't care!!" she yelled. "She let him die - she could have saved him if she wanted to!" Noah winced as he watched Nathalie's expression. Every word, even out of the mouth of a child, sliced at her.
"Grace - we can talk about this later" Nathalie said, her voice as steady as she could make it. She was mortified that this conversation was happening in front of her friends. Where others would have viewed it as an opportunity for support, Nathalie felt as though she was being made to stand naked in front of them all. "Come - let's get you into bed, it's way past your bed time."
"I don't way to stay here with you. I HATE you!! I want to stay with Patty." The little girl's face was a mess of red rage and tears.
"Grace Louise, I will not tell you another time. I am your mother and you will do as I say. You will stay here, in your home."
"No!!" She slid from Patrick's lap and stamped her feet. "You KILLED Daddy - you didn't love him enough - you could have saved him if you loved him but you didn't love him."
The room went suddenly still and something broke inside of Nathalie. "NO!" she yelled. "He didn't love me enough - he.didn't.love.me" Closing his eyes, Nikolas could hear her breath coming quickly and he wanted to push a pause button and stop what was coming next.
"I HATE YOU" Gracie screamed at her. "You took my daddy from me and I wish you were dead!!" She stamped her feet. As a tiny girl, her anger seeped from her in anyway it could. She threw herself on Patrick's lap, sobbing. "Please take me with you. I hate her. Please take me with you" she begged
Shaking off Nikolas' arm, Nathalie stood up and walked from the living room. Nikolas stood to go after her but Noah quietly called to him. "Leave her for a minute or two Nikolas" he suggested. "Let her breathe." Nikolas stared helplessly after her.
Patrick tried to soothe a hysterical Grace. "Gracie-lou, you need to apologize to your mom..."
"No!" she sobbed. "I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! She killed my daddy."
"Grace" he said as gently as he could, "she did not kill your daddy."
"I don't want to stay here. Please take me with you. PLEASE!" she begged bordering on hyperventilation.
Getting up from her chair, Lulu handed Oliver to Robin. Kneeling down in front of Patrick she touched Grace's leg. "Gracie, sweetums, would you like to come home and have a sleepover with me at Wyndermere?"
"Lu.." Nikolas started.
Lulu spun around. "Do you have a better idea? Someone needs to take care of Grace, I can do that. Someone will need to take care of Nathalie - you can do that." He nodded. She turned back to Grace. "What do you say? We can ask Alfred to break out the peanut butter chocolate chip cookies"
Grace looked at her suspiciously. "Can I sleep in your bed?" she asked in a small voice.
Lulu reached up and stroked her hair. "Yes baby, you can sleep in my bed." Grace looked at Patrick before scrambling down from his lap and taking Lulu's hand. "I'll take Oliver with me as well. I have a car seat in my car."
"Will you be my mom?" Grace asked.
Lulu shook her head. "No Gracie. When we have our cookies and are all tucked up in bed I'm going to tell you all the reasons why you are lucky to have the mom you do." She got both kids dressed in their coats and picking up the suitcase John had left in the hall, headed out to her car.
"I should go check on Nathalie" Nikolas said.
"Let me" Patrick asked. "Drew factor" he added by way of explanation. Nikolas nodded and watched Patrick walk to the back of the house.
Picking up a throw blanket from the couch, he walked out to the back closed in porch where Nathalie stood, arms crossed, staring out the window. He put it around her shoulders. "You're freezing." She didn't respond. "He did love you, you know."
Nathalie spun to face him. "Don't" she said firmly. "Don't you dare take his side and tell me how much he loved me. No one who claims to love another person would do what he has done to this family."
"You know why..."
She raised her hands. There was no room left in her heart for excuses. "I am tired of it Patrick. He quit, he gave up and I am now the bad guy and I won't have it."
Patrick jammed his hands into his pockets. "Lulu has taken Grace and Oliver back to Wyndermere."
"That's probably for the best" she said flatly, sinking into one of the porch chairs. "I'm going to lose them."
"Don't talk like that Nathalie, you don't know that."
"I'm a lawyer P. And I know my parents. If they were so careless to talk openly about Andrew's suicide in front of Grace do you think they'll even blink an eye about throwing my past in my face in open court."
"Nat, it's hardly a past. I've slept with more people than you have - you are a sexually confident woman who was free to date as you wished until you met and fell in love with Drew." He remembered the day that Drew had told him about her past. He told him of how she tried to break up with him before she finally explained about her life before she met him. Drew had been neither shocked nor horrified. A player himself, he was in no position to judge anyone else's behaviour.
She gave a bitter laugh. "You're deluded. There is a double standard for women and the fact that I've taken up with a man less than a year after my husband's death only feeds the stereotype. And let's not forget me being caught at Heathrow with cocaine."
"You were 15, it was less than a gram - there is no way that is even going to relevant."
"Mark my words" she said, staring straight into the darkness, "it's going to be more than relevant. My parents are going to make it sound like I am the original wild child."
He put his arm around her. There was nothing he could say to her as she was nearly unreachable in her grief and rage. "I'm going to suggest that we all head home. I'm sure Nik will be out to see you in a bit."
"Tell him to go home" she said flatly.
"No." The sharpness in Patrick's voice made her look up. "That man loves you and you love him. You are in a world of pain right now and you are going to let him help you. Don't blow up your life that you've worked so hard to have - that will only be playing into your parents' hands." He kissed the top of her head. "And I know you're doubting just about everything in your life at this moment but don't doubt this. I love you."
Nathalie heard the quiet shuffle of people leaving her house. The night had begun with so much promise and yet had ended with a resounding thud. She wasn't sure it was possible to be as angry with a dead person as she was with her husband. Staring out at the darkness she felt that the codl night reflected the feelings in her heart. She wanted to yell at him, she wanted to scream at him, she wanted him to come back and explain why he had destroyed their life that they had worked so hard to build. She felt Nikolas' presence before he even entered the porch. He leaned against the railing, looking at her.
"Hi."
"Don't look at me like that" she said defensively.
"Like what?" he said softly.
"Like I'm going to fall to pieces. If you're here to wait for me to fall to pieces you're going to be waiting a long time."
Nikolas chewed on his bottom lip. Nathalie was the antithesis of every woman he had ever dated. The women who had come before her had all demanded that he fix things for them, that he rescue them. They had worn their neediness like a badge of honour. She refused to let him fix things and would sooner sew her lips shut than admit she needed him, or anyone for that matter. It only made him want to help her more.
"That's not entirely true, is it?" he said knowingly.
She looked up and glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're already coming apart Nat, just on the inside." He crossed his legs and waited.
"My daughter hates me" she said quietly.
"She doesn't mean it" he offered.
She smirked bitterly. "That's the thing with little kids - they don't know how to say things they don't mean. Their lives exist in absolutes. She means it."
Reaching out to her, Nikolas pulled her up from her chair and wrapped his arms around her. She stood stiffly against him, unable to relax against him. "I know you're used to doing things on your own. I know you've told me how you were the caretaker in your marriage, you kept things running but you don't have to do that here. I'm here. You lean on me and we'll get through this."
She rested her head against his shoulder. "I don't know how to do that" she said quietly.
"Just like this" he said, stroking her back. He pressed his lips against the soft skin between her ear and her jaw. "Just like this."
xxxxxx
Patrick poured himself two fingers of scotch and sank down on the edge of the bed. Feeling as though he had been kicked repeatedly in the stomach, he could only imagine how Nathalie felt. Coming out of the bathroom, Robin tied up her robe and crawled on the bed, sitting behind him. She rested her chin on his shoulder.
"This is my fault" he said, taking a big sip of his drink.
Robin sighed. "I was afraid something like that was going on in your head. Why do you think this is your fault?"
"If I had told Nathalie the minute I got his suicide note..."
Robin started to massage his shoulders. "What would it have changed Patrick? There was no way that Nathalie was ever going to tell her kids, regardless of when you told her."
He shook his head. "Grace is a mess, Nathalie is a mess and exactly how the hell did her parents find out?"
"I don't know" she said. Patrick's head dropped forward and Robin pressed her lips against the open skin. "You can't change what's happened."
"I need to make it better" he said, shivering under her touch.
"You can't make it better baby, you can just be a source of strength for her. Her parents should be shot for what they've done. They've set in motion what I fear stands to be a very painful ride." Robin wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. "I love you Patrick. I love you for wanting to take care of your friend and for wanting to take care of a hurt little girl."
He leaned back against her and sighed. "I know we were going to ring in the new year in a private celebration..." he started.
She nibbled on his ear lobe. "The only way I need to ring in the new year is with you." He smiled and brought her hands to his mouth, kissing them. "Why don't you get changed and under the covers and I'll put a movie on."
Patrick turned around on the bed and cupping her face, seized her lips in a tender but needful kiss. Robin pushed herself closer to him, deepening the kiss as she coaxed her tongue into his mouth. He moaned into her mouth as her body pressed up against him. He continued to kiss her finally letting go of her mouth. He stroked her face, tucking her hair behind her ears. "I love you Robin Scorpio-Drake."
"You are a good man Patrick" she reassured him. "Don't for a minute think otherwise." He pressed his lips against hers before getting off the bed and getting changed.
When he returned to the bedroom, Robin had lit several candles and was sitting up in the bed with the movie ready to go. Slipping out of his boxer-briefs, he slid into bed beside her. Robin patted her torso and taking her up on the invitation, he laid his head against her as she wrapped her arm over his, entwining their fingers. She stroked his hair as the movie played.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine
Patrick let out a small laugh.
"What?" Robin asked curiously.
"If they ever make a movie about us, the line would be - of all the ORs in all the hospitals in all of New York, she barged into mine"
She swatted his head playfully. "You really love that first meeting didn't you"
Looking up at her, he grinned. "Of course I did - it changed my life."
Dipping her head, Robin kissed him gently. "Mine too."