Chapter 7
Patrick shot up from the stool. Taking a pen from his pocket he pulled her blankets back from her feet and ran his pen along her soles. There was no reaction.
"Dr. Patrick?" she asked, panic rising in her voice.
"It's okay Ellie" he said, hoping he sounded calmer than he felt. "Sometimes after an operation it takes a while for everything to come back." He looked over at the nurse. "I need 10 mg of Ativan." He put his hand on the side of her face. "Don't worry Ellie - we're going to give you something that will help you sleep for a while longer. You have a lot swelling in your body which is pressing on all your nerves and things and so until that goes down, it's going to be hard to move around."
She exhaled deeply. "Promise?"
Looking into her trusting brown eyes, he felt an ache in his chest. "You rest for a while longer and I'll be back to check on you."
" Kay" she said sleepily as the nurse returned with the syringe and injected it. Patrick winced as there was no recognition by the young girl that a needle had just pricked her skin.
"Sweet dreams shortstuff, I'll see you in a while." Fighting a losing battle with sleep, she nodded before drifting off.
Patrick stalked out of the room and returned to his office. Opening the door, he whipped the chart across the room. "Dammit!!" he swore. He flopped into his chair and cradled his head in his hands. He took several steadying breaths before getting up from his chair and picking up all the papers from the chart that covered his office floor. He placed them on his desk and sat in front of them. He would review every piece of paper, every film and every line of his operative notes to see if Ellie's paralysis was his fault.
Picking up the phone he called over to radiology and had them send all of Ellie's MRIs and x-rays. Taking her file apart, he divided it into two piles, pre-op and op. Having set himself up he walked to the cafeteria to get the largest cup of coffee he could. It was going to be a long afternoon.
xxxxx
Lulu rushed inside the door at Kelly's. Early January was proving to be particularly bitter and she was grateful that Mike believed in keeping the temperature in the diner nearly tropical during the winter months. She stopped as she saw the familiar figure draped over a chair, his back to her. He was reading a book, his elbow on the table propping up his head. His long, lean figure seemed to take up the entire table. Quietly walking over to the table, she cleared her throat.
"Is this seat taken?"
Ethan looked up in surprise and suddenly scrambled to his feet. "Lesley...Lulu" he said quickly, his cheeks flushing at her surprise appearance.
She grinned. "Hi Ethan."
He was always at risk of being rendered speechless when he looked into her green eyes. "Hi" he said shyly.
"Are you studying?" He nodded. Lulu smiled, grateful not to be the only one who was nervous. "Did you want to take a break? I'm craving coffee and a lemon poppyseed muffin - I could join you if you want."
"I want...I mean, that would be great. Uh, why don't you sit and I'll go get us some coffee."
She shook her head. "I used to work here, I'll just slip behind the counter and grab some food for us."
He nodded wordlessly and sat down. He quickly ran his hands through his hair and pulled on his burgundy sweater. Running his hand over his face, he silently cursed himself for not having taken the time to shave in the morning. Lulu returned carrying two muffins and two cups of coffee. Ethan stood up and relieved her of some of the dishes.
"How are you Lulu?" he asked, more earnestly than he wanted to.
"I'm good. You? How are you finding your business courses."
He smiled. "I think I may have finally found my calling. How are your courses?"
"They're okay. I took the fall semester off and have a lot of catching up to do so I've got a pretty heavy course load."
"Why did you take the fall off?"
Lulu closed her eyes briefly. Though not normally one to be an open book with people, ever since she contracted HIV she found herself dividing her life into two parts, what could be told to anyone and what was only for the few people she trusted. "I had a lot going on and just thought it was better to take some time."
Ethan nodded. "I took a year off between high school and college. I spent it touring around South America. I learned to play polo in Argentina and went to Macchu Piccu in Peru."
She giggled. "You play polo?"
"I do" he said mildly defensively. "I don't play well but I was working on a farm and the owner was a polo player and taught me how."
"Do you still play?" she asked curiously.
"Sometimes in the summer - when I go home."
"Where's home?"
"Manhattan" he said taking a sip of his coffee.
"I thought you were having breakfast with your dad the other day."
He smiled. "So you were paying attention." Lulu rolled her eyes. "He's here on business for a few months and so we've tried to see each other once a week. My mom died about five years ago and it's just been the two of us for a while."
"I'm sorry about your mom" she said quickly as she put the last vestiges of her muffin in her mouth.
Shrugging, he swirled his coffee in his cup. "How about you? Are you from here - and how did Port Charles get so lucky to have someone so beautiful grace the city?" Lulu blushed furiously. "You don't do well with compliments, do you?"
She shook her head. "I'm from here but I've moved around quite a bit. I've had ...it was an untraditional childhood."
"How about your folks?"
Lulu began to twirl her hair around her fingers. She had never been very good at explaining her parents and didn't know how to do it without making it sound ridiculous. "My dad travels a lot and my mom...my mom is sick."
Instinctively Ethan reached out and gently held her fingers with his. "I'm sorry."
She resisted the urge to pull away, thinking how nice it was just to be touched. "Don't be. She's at Shadybrooke - she's been catatonic for years."
"Ah" he said quietly, slowly tracing his fingers over hers. "Do you live on campus?"
She shook her head, completely distracted by the feel of him touching her. "No" she swallowed thickly. "I live with my brother. You?"
"I have an apartment on Reid Street. Just a small one bedroom but it's all mine. You'll have to come over some time" he suggested.
Lulu removed her hand from his. There was no way that she would be able to go to his apartment. Going would mean telling him about having HIV and telling would mean that he would want nothing more to do with her. "I..uh...I should get going. I have class soon."
Ethan noticed the sudden change in her demeanor and was kicking himself for whatever it was that he had done to make it happen. "Lulu" he said carefully as she put her coat on.
"Yeah?" she wrapped her scarf around her neck.
"Would you go on a date with me - like dinner and a movie type of date?"
She held her breath. She was very attracted to him and desperately wanted to go out with him but was afraid to go down that road. "Um...I don't know..."
"I promise I'll shave and behave like a real gentleman. I'll even let you pick the movie" he grinned as he stood up.
"Um..."
"Lulu, I like you - I think you're really interesting and you're beautiful and I'd like to go on a date with you."
Blowing out her cheeks she fingered the claddagh ring Patrick and Robin had given her at their wedding. Taking a leap of faith, she nodded. "Okay - how about Friday?"
Ethan couldn't keep the giddiness from his voice. "Friday is great!" Tearing off a piece of paper from his notebook, he scribbled down his phone number and pressed it into her hands. "Call me later in the week and we can make plans."
"Okay - bye Ethan" She smiled, heading to the door.
"Bye Lulu."
xxxxx
Patrick looked up at the knock on the door.
"Long day?" Robin asked.
He rubbed his face over his hands. "You're a sight for sore eyes - both of you."
She came into the office, pushing Rian in a stroller. "We thought you were coming home for dinner but when you didn't show, Rian insisted we bring dinner to daddy."
Patrick smiled tiredly. "Sorry. I should have called."
"It's okay" Robin said setting down the picnic basket. She had stood in his office doorway for several minutes watching him work. His face seemed haunted and his body sagged from exhaustion. She recognized it as the same posture Patrick would take when a surgery didn't got exactly as planned. He was a perfectionist and prided himself on being able to bend the universe to his will in the OR. It was his domain and results other than the ones he planned for were completely unacceptable.
Patrick got up from his chair and unbuckling Rian from the stroller, picked him up and held him against him. "So little man, meet any cute girls at playgroup today?" he asked.
"We didn't go to playgroup today" Robin said,
unpacking the basket.
"Oh?" He walked over to the couch
and sat down, bouncing Rian on his knee.
"It was opening statements in court today so we thought we'd go."
"Aw shit" he said, closing his eyes. "How could I forget?"
Robin sat down beside him. Placing a piece of cheese on a cracker, she held it to his mouth and he accepted it. "You didn't forget, you were working. Tell me about the case."
"How was Nathalie?" he asked with his mouth full.
"She's fine - it was just opening statements. Her parents' lawyer - a Douglas Young - seems really good but I still don't think he's a match for Alexis. Now stop avoiding - the case, spill."
Leaning back against the couch, he placed Rian on his stomach. "Ellie Matthews" he said quietly.
"Did you get the tumor?" She curled her legs underneath her and stroked his hair. Her other hand resting over his on Rian's warm little body.
"I was sure I got it all"
"But?"
"Post-op paralysis." He sighed defeatedly.
Robin stroked his face. "There are lots of reasons Patrick - could be swelling on the brain stem or small pieces of the tumor are still lodged in her brain."
"I know what it could be" he snapped "but it could also be me - I could have nicked something - I could have been admiring my genius a little too much and missed something or hit something and she may be permanently paralysed."
Robin rubbed his shoulder. "Patrick" she said softly, not flinching at his temper. "You are a gifted surgeon and not one to take a victory lap in the OR. There are many reasons she could be paralysed. You need to be patient and let the swelling go down."
He flopped his head back on the couch. "I'm losing it" he said quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm becoming too involved - I need to be more detached - somewhere along the way I became human in the OR and it's having disastrous results."
"Are you serious?" Robin asked quietly.
Sitting up, he looked at Robin. "My best quality in the OR is my cold bloodedness and I'm losing that - it makes me just ordinary in the OR."
"Patrick - you have never been more wrong in your life - which is interesting considering how wrong you have been - your best quality in the OR is not your cold bloodedness. If anything that's what's standing between you being a good surgeon and a great surgeon. Humanity doesn't make you weak..."
"You don't get it Robin - you're not a surgeon" He passed Rian to her and got up, walking towards his desk. "You don't hold a life in your hands the way I do - you just can't understand."
She narrowed her eyes. "I have held lives in my hands - including yours - so don't lecture me that I don't know what it's like."
"I don't have the energy or inclination to fight with you right now." He sank into his chair.
Robin stood up and put Rian back in his stroller. "Just the opposite really. You want to fight with me because you're so worried that you might have been less than perfect that you'll feel better if you can take it out on me."
He pressed his fists into his forehead. "I don't want to take anything out on you - I didn't ask you to come here and I don't want to fight."
"Okay" she said kindly. "Eat something." Pulling open the door, she pushed the stroller through. "Love you"
Patrick watched her leave and pushed the papers off the desk in frustration. He wanted answers and there were none to be found yet.