Chapter 20

Patrick and Robin sat in Dr. Garcia's waiting room while Grace was examined. His legs bounced up and down nervously while he checked his watch almost obsessively.

"It's taking too long" he said impatiently.

Robin reached for his hand. "No it's not" she said kindly. "Dr. Garcia is being thorough and no doubt talking to Nathalie about treatment options."

"How did this happen?" he asked as much himself as anyone. "This isn't fair."

"It's never fair Patrick but we can't dwell on that - we need to be strong for both of them."

"You're the strong one" he snapped. He dropped his head into his hands. "I'm sorry" he mumbled.

Robin rubbed his back, resting her chin on his shoulder. She knew she was catching a glimpse of how distraught he had been after her car accident and only wished she could spare him from this a second time. "I love you, you know."

Reaching out, he draped his arm across her lap. "I know - it's just - gah!"

"Deep breaths Patrick" she said softly, still rubbing her hand over the expanse of his back. Feeling the knots under her hand she knew that the sadness and anger he was expressing was just the overflow, the rest was still buried deep inside him.

They both looked up expectantly as the door opened and Nathalie came out. She was pale and her eyes heavy. Giving a brave smile, she sat beside them. "They're just drawing some more blood. Poor sweetie - she's been a human pin cushion today."

"What did Garcia say?" Patrick asked urgently.

Nathalie nodded as if gathering strength. "Well he considers her to be critical and is going to admit her tonight and start her on chemo tomorrow. Oliver and I are going to be tested for bone marrow if necessary and we'll go from there. I mean, hopefully the chemo will do its job and further treatment won't be necessary."

"How are you doing?" Robin asked carefully.

"I'm okay. It's a lot to take in and I feel like I've become a leukemia expert in less than six hours but we have goals and things to focus on and that's what I'm good with."

"What can we do to help?"

Nathalie exhaled. "Oh Robin, I don't know what Grace needs yet so I don't know what to ask for."

"Nathalie, Gracie will have doctors and nurses watching over her very carefully - what do you need?"

She twisted her mouth into a wry smile. "I have no idea?"

"Where's Oliver?" Patrick asked, linking his fingers through Robin's.

"Lulu has him. Once Gracie is all settled in, I'll have her drop him off here and then I guess I have to call my parents."

"Why don't we take Oliver?" Robin offered. "This is no place for him and you're not going to want to leave her anytime soon. We have a bed he can sleep in and Rian will be happy for the playmate."

"I don't know" Nathalie was undecided. She had made so many decisions in the last few hours that even the simple ones seemed overwhelming.

Robin recognized Nathalie's 'deer in headlights' look and took the control of the situation. "We'll take him. I'm off in a few hours and I'll call Lulu and have her bring Oliver to the house and then when you're ready you can head over and either spend the night or take him home with you."

Nathalie smiled gratefully. "Thanks." Looking at Patrick, she put a hand on his leg. "Are you okay P?"

He stood up suddenly. "No - I'm not freaking okay and I wish people would stop asking me that. How is it that the two of you are talking calmly and rationally - Gracie has cancer." Robin closed her eyes and chewed on her bottom lip.

Nathalie stood and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him. "It's going to be fine P" she whispered. "Just hang in here with us, it's going to be fine."

He shrugged her off. "Fine? God, Nat...." Unable to take any more, he turned on his heel and stalked out of Dr. Garcia's office.

Robin looked at Nathalie. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "No apology needed Robin. He just needs to blow off some steam and he'll be fine."

A nurse came from the exam room, pushing Grace in a wheelchair. "Mommy, I get my own room." She rubbed at her face, tired from the day's tests.

"I know" Nathalie smiled brightly. "And I'm going to stay with you for a while, so we can play go fish and I have a bunch of new books to read you."

"Hi Robin" Grace said shyly, seeing the doctor for the first time.

"Hi Gracie - I hear you were a good girl for Dr. Garcia."

She nodded excitedly. "He gave me a lollipop" she said brandishing the candy. "And it's lemon!"

Robin smiled at her. "You're a lucky girl. I'll come and visit you in your room tomorrow, would you like that?"

"Yes please. Will you bring Patty?"

"I'll see what I can do." Standing up she touched Nathalie's shoulder. "Call us at anytime, even if it's just to talk."

Nathalie hugged her tightly. "Thank you - thank you for running the tests and being here and taking Oliver..."

"It's what friends do, right?" Robin let go of her and watched with a certain sadness as they left for Grace's room. It was the beginning of a long journey for all of them and there was no telling how it would end up. All Robin wanted to do was go home and hold her own son to her heart and thank God for his health.

xxxxx

Having paged and phoned Patrick and received no response, Robin finally left the hospital to meet Lulu and pick up Oliver. She knew Patrick would call her when he was ready, she just hoped it wouldn't be too long. Lulu stayed with her to help her get both boys ready for bed and it was clear that Grace wasn't the only Walker child who had formed a close bond with her. Oliver held her hand whenever he could and preferred her lap over any other seat in the house. She knew his bed time routine and got him to sleep easily.

She thanked Lulu for taking care of Oliver and brought her up to speed on Grace's situation and then stayed up as late as she could waiting for her husband to come home. She called his cell phone twice more before finally giving up and turning in for the night. She had only been dozing for a few hours when she heard his key in the door. She waited to hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs but they never came. Grabbing her robe from the bedpost, she wrapped it around herself and quietly descended the stairs.

Patrick sat in the dark, his shirt untucked and completely unbuttoned. He swirled the scotch around in the glass and sighed. He didn't even want the drink he just liked the idea of it. He had gone to see Grace in her room and felt the air leave his lungs as he saw her propped in bed, leaning against Nathalie while she read her a story. The i.v. and the oxygen were the only concessions to her illness for now. He wanted to go into the room and take her in his arms but he couldn't bring himself to it. Ashamed at his fear, he signed out of the hospital for the night and started to walk. He was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice the cold biting at his face. His pager vibrated and his cell phone rang but he couldn't answer them, he didn't know what to say.

Making his way home wasn't a conscious decision, his legs just seemed to lead him there. The house was in darkness when he got in and he was grateful for the quiet. Pouring himself a glass of scotch, he sank into the leather couch and waited. Not sure what he was waiting for - answers or hope - he was even less sure he would recognize either if they appeared. Deep in thought, he didn't hear Robin call his name and was surprised when she straddled his lap.

"Hi" she said quietly, brushing the hair from his face.

His eyes focused on her. "I didn't mean to ignore your calls."

"Yes you did but that's okay."

"Why does it hurt so much Robin?" he asked hoarsely.

"Because you love her and you're afraid of losing her."

"She looks so much like Drew - she even has his laugh. I swear she's become more like him since he died than she was before."

Robin stroked his cheeks. "It's okay to be sad Patrick but you don't have to be sad on your own. We're partners, you and I - we do this together." Her robe slipped from her shoulder and Patrick couldn't resist running his hand along her suddenly bare skin. She was surprised at how much his hand trembled. Leaning forward, she gently brushed her lips against his. "It's okay Patrick" she repeated against his mouth.

Closing his eyes, he pulled on her lips before burying his head in the crook of her neck. Breathing her in calmed him in the way it always had. Robin pressed herself into his chest, letting her breasts rub against his chest. Patrick sighed against her skin, his hands rubbing her arms. She pushed his shirt from his shoulders and pulled it from his arms. Gently kissing his neck and along his collar bone, she tried to transfer comfort to him with every touch. With a shaky hand he undid the belt around her robe and let it fall away from her. She sat across him, completely naked, in the dark. Covering his face in gentle, quiet kisses, she could feel the tension leave his body.

His hands roamed her body almost in wonderment, grazing her nipples, stroking her thighs. She responded to his touch, moving her hips against his. There was no urgency to their touch, rather an affirmation of life and love going in even in the face of tragedy. Robin captured his lips and softly swept her tongue in his mouth. He let out a quiet moan, grateful to feel the heat returning to his body. He threaded his fingers through her hair, bringing her closer to him and deepening their kiss. Robin ran her hands over his bare skin, holding them over his heart for a moment. He pushed himself into her hands and she saw the tears forming in his eyes. Feeling his arousal grow underneath her, she dropped her head and kissed his chest, lovingly sucking on one nipple and then the other. Her heat continued to warm him.

"Robin" he whispered.

He stood up slowly, letting her slide from his lap. Pulling his wallet from his back pocket he opened it and retrieved a condom, placing it on arm of the sofa. Robin's small hands made quick work of his belt and buttons, letting his pants fall to the floor. Stepping out of them, he slid his boxer briefs down his strong but shaky legs. She reached for the condom and gently pushed him back on to the couch. Tearing open the small packet, she sheathed him quickly before straddling him again, lowering herself on his jutting erection. Both groaned at the contact.

Taking his face in her hands, she lay feathery kisses on his lips and his cheeks and under his eyes as she moved up and down in an unhurried pace. Moving to his neck, he shuddered as she worked her tongue in small circles on his soft skin, stopping only to suck on his earlobe. He pressed his lips against her shoulder, kissing her gently but passionately. His body felt alive again, energy coursing through him as he thrust harder against her. Little mewling sounds began to escape from her lips as she continued to make love to him. Through her body she offered him safety and love, reminding him that he was no longer alone. Feeling her walls clenching around him, Patrick gave into the release that had been building inside him, crying her name as he did so. Robin continued to rock her hips, milking him as her orgasm washed over her. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her tightly to his body. He needed to hold on to her. They stayed tangled together, his head resting on her shoulder. Several hot tears dropped on her skin. Cupping his face, she kissed the tearstains on his cheeks.

"It's okay Patrick" she said quietly.

"As long as I have you" he choked making no further effort to hold back the pain inside.