Chapter 35

"You're working too much" Patrick remarked from the doorway to his father's office.

Noah, hunched over a file, looked up in surprise. "Hi sport. What brings you by?"

Patrick let out a quiet breath as he stepped in to his office. "You."

"Me?" Noah asked leaning back in his chair. "Here for more fatherly advice on how to handle children?" he smiled.

Patrick rolled his eyes and placed a coffee in front of him. "No - here to pass on some filial advice on love."

Noah let out a low laugh. "You understand the rich irony in you trying to give me advice about love?"

"Hey!" he protested. "I got my act together."

Noah flipped back the lid on the coffee and wondered if he looked as old as he felt; he was exhausted and sleep had only been a taunting illusion. For so many years he had slept alone that it had taken him quite some time to get used to having Brenda next to him in his bed but once he did, the feel of having someone in his arms again intoxicated him. It had been three weeks and he missed it, he craved it and wasn't sure how he would ever sleep peacefully again without her. Once an addict, always an addict. He looked up at his son and forced a smile. "You certainly did. Any news on ..er....project baby?"

Patrick grinned. "We should know in the next day or so if it took. Can you believe I'm going to be a father of two?"

"I'm still wrapping my head around you be a father of one."

"Me too. Rian is so close to walking - god, it's so fun to watch. His little face screws up in such concentration as he tries to figure out how to work his legs."

Noah smiled softly. "You did the same thing. You were so intent on walking and would get very insulted if any of us tried to help you."

"So you're saying my hard headness started early?"

"I'm saying it's genetic....on your mother's side of course." Noah grinned.

Noticing his father's smile did not quite reach his eyes, Patrick took a long sip of his coffee and dove in. "Have you heard from Brenda?"

Noah shrugged. "Heard from her? No. I called her and we talked for a couple of minutes but she started to cry and hung up."

Patrick was momentarily stunned into silence. "Were you....were you calling to ask her to come back?"

"I don't know" Noah said softly. "I just wanted to see how she was doing. I was...I am worried about her - she's haunted by some pretty big demons."

He watched as his father's eyes misted over and for the first time, understood how much Brenda had come to mean to him. "You really loved her didn't you."

Noah nodded slowly. "Still do."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Do?" he asked. "Patrick, I reached out to her and was rebuffed - there is nothing left for me to do."

"What about going to Rome?"

His father shook his head. The phone call had been brief but painful. Brenda had been unable to speak for several minutes after hearing Noah's voice. Uncomfortable with the slience, he had rambled about how much he missed her and that he was concerned about her. He told her about Grace and Oliver coming through surgery and that he thought of her everyday. When she finally found her voice, she apologized, tearfully, for running out on him. He soothed her and reminded her that he loved her and there was room for her in his home and his heart if she wanted it. His heart shattered at her quiet sobbing. Through ragged breaths she told him that he meant more to her and had been kinder than any man she knew but didn't know how to return his love. She apologized once more before hanging up.

"She doesn't want me Patrick." Noah ran his hands through his hair. "It's over" he said softly.

Patrick felt a heaviness in his chest at the sight of his father's crestfallen face. So wound up in his own pain when his mother died and completely distracted by his father's descent in to addiction, he never really saw the grief that etched itself into his face. It was clear now and he wished there was a way to take it all from him. "How can I help?"

Noah smiled wryly. "Sorry sport, this road had room for one person only and that's me. But don't worry - I'm going to meetings and working the program."

"You know" Patrick said quietly. "I'm not worried that you're going to drink again or should I say, not just worried that you'll drink again. I'm worried about you - how you feel, how you're coping."

"This isn't my first rodeo Patrick. The one advantage to having loved and lost in the past is that you know it will stop hurting at some point."

Leaning back in the chair, Patrick began to break off the lip of the styrofoam cup. "Did it...it stopped hurting with Mom?"

"It did. There was a moment when I realized that I was drinking, not to numb myself from the pain of her death but to numb myself from having given up completely. That's a whole other kind of pain."

"I'm sorry."

Noah's warm brown eyes filled with tears. "What are you sorry for?"

Patrick shrugged. "If I had stopped being angry I might have been able to see what you were going through - I mean what you were really going through."

Noah shook his head. "No - no way. Patrick, you know as well as I do that the addiction is mine and mine alone. There was absolutely nothing you could have done to make it stop and so I will not accept any apologies from you on that subject."

"Do you want to come for dinner?"

"That's kind but I'm working late tonight. I have a surgery tomorrow and I need to review the file one more time."

"Okay" Patrick said, standing up. He walked to the door and stopped. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can do for you?"

"You've already done it. Go home and kiss your wife and son."

"Hang in there Dad." Patrick jammed his hands in to his pockets and left.

xxxxx

Ethan sat at the breakfast bar watching with amusement as Lulu raided his fridge. "Having you been watching the Food Network again?"

"Maybe" she teased, opening a milk container. She grimaced as she sniffed it. "Gross - that's expired."

"It still works in coffee" he protested weakly.

"Ethan Young, I'm not going to let you poison yourself by putting curdled milk into your coffee."

Ethan grinned. "It's so sexy when you call me by my full name."

Lulu blushed to the roots of her hair. "Okay so we have Italian sausage, eggs, spinach, tomatoes and blue cheese" she announced, ignoring his comment.

"Does that mean I win something?"

"Your fridge is a disgrace" she grinned.

"Come on! I have to get some points for having blue cheese - that's got to impress you just a little."

Lulu crossed her arms and leaned against the counter. "Well I have to admit the fact that you bought blue cheese as opposed to letting it get that way in your fridge is pretty cool."

"See - this is all adding to my supreme coolness."

She raised her eyebrows. "Supreme coolness? What's that supergeek?"

"Supergeek?" he asked, clutching his chest. "That hurts Lu, that hurts a lot."

"Truth always does" she teased. "So how do you feel about a fritatta for supper?"

Getting up from the stool, he walked to the kitchen and wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling her neck. "We could skip dinner and go straight to the making out portion of it all."

Lulu's entire body shivered as his lips made contact with her skin. "How about we make out after I cook?"

"You are no fun" he teased but still holding on to her.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"I am - just not for food"

Lulu closed her eyes as she felt his erection press in to her. Leaning back against him, she sighed as turned her head to kiss him. He crashed his lips on hers, parting them with his tongue. Turning in his arms, Lulu wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling him closer to her. He moaned against her mouth as their tongues tangled. His hands ran lightly down her sides, sending tiny shocks through her. Breathless they broke apart. He ran his thumbs along her cheeks. "Do you have any idea how simply gorgeous you are?" Blushing, she lowered her head but her lifted her chin to face him. "Gorgeous" he repeated.

"So am I making the fritatta or what?" she asked shyly, uncomfortable with the attention.

"Okay" Ethan said, looking at her curiously. "Fritatta it is." Walking back to his seat, he looked at her as she washed the spinach and tomatoes. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure" she said, patting the spinach leaves dry.

"Why do you have mini freak outs when I tell you how pretty you are?"

Her head snapped up. "I do not have mini freak outs."

"Sure you do - you blush and get all uncomfortable and change the subject"

Lulu began to chop up the tomatoes. "I just....I'm not used to being told that and I...um..." she shifted from one foot to the other. "I don't know what to say when you say those things."

"You don't have to say anything" he said softly. "I mean it you know" Lulu looked at him, green eyes wide. "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever met."

She stared at him blinking. "Dammit!" she swore.

"What?" Ethan asked, jumping from his chair.

"I cut myself!" she said in panic. Ethan turned on the tap and reached for Lulu's hand. "NO!" she shrieked. She pulled away from him so quickly she backed in to the fridge. "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Ethan stood rooted in place while Lulu wrapped her hand around her bleeding finger, her eyes wide with fear as she pressed herself further in to the fridge. "Okay Lu" he said softly. "Why don't you run your finger under the water and I'll get a bandaid."

Lulu waited until he moved from the kitchen before running her finger under water. She stared in shock as her blood ran in to the sink and down the drain. The sight of her bright red blood frightened her. Ethan returned, staying on the other side of the breakfast bar, and passed the band aid to her. Wordlessly, she took it from the counter and peeling it back, put it around her finger. Picking up the tomato, she tossed it all in to the garbage. "You'll need to disinfect the knife and cutting board" she said quietly.

He watched as she filled the sink with hot, soapy water and dunked the cutting board and knife in to the water. "Are you...are you going somewhere?"

She nodded. "I should....I'm going to go home."

"Lulu..." he started.

"I'm sorry" she said, willing the tears not fall. "I just....I ...I have to go home. I'll call you" she said, grabbing her jacket.

Sliding from the stool he walked towards her and put hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to go - can we talk about this?"

She shook her head and reached for her purse. "I need to go." She turned the lock and shrugging off his hand, slipped out the door. She ran from the building, heart hammering in her chest. All she wanted was to feel normal and every time she came close to it, her HIV would always raise its ugly head and remind her that normal would never be a possibility again.

xxxxx

Robin sat on the floor with Rian, playing with the Lego farm set her Uncle Mac had given him. He squealed in delight every time the cows mooed and pigs oinked. She heard Patrick's key in the door and bit her lip. As disappointed as she was that the artificial insemination hadn't taken, she knew Patrick would be more so.

"Hello?" he called out.

"In here"

Patrick smiled as he saw Rian chewing on the rubber horse. "Does that taste good little man?" Rian smiled at his father. Patrick dropped to the floor and crawled over towards them. "I'm coming to get you" he teased. "I'm coming to get you!" Giggling, Rian tipped up on to all fours and started to crawl away from his father. Patrick continued to chase him in to the dining room before catching him and scooping him in his arms and covering his face in kisses. "I got you!" He kissed him again. "I love you so much!" Standing up, he walked back to the living room and sat down beside Robin. He gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "Hi wife."

"Hi husband" she said.

Patrick looked at her face and noticed the faint hint of red around her eyes. "Have you been crying?" he asked quietly.

"Not really." She started to put the animals back in the barn.

"Not really? Could you please define not really?"

"It's stupid."

Patrick set Rian on the floor and put his hands over Robin's to still her. "It can't be stupid if you've been crying. What's up?"

Robin twisted her mouth and sighed. "I'm not pregnant" she whispered.

He felt a flash of disappointment wash over him and he blew out his cheeks. "Well that sucks"

Robin giggled. "To say the least."

Wiping his thumb under her eye, he kissed her softly. "It's okay baby, we'll try again next month."

"I know" she sighed. "It's just, I guess I didn't think it wouldn't take."

"Robin - it rarely works the first time."

She crawled in to his lap, draping her arm over his shoulder. "I know but we weren't even trying when I got pregnant with Rian."

Pressing his lips in to her neck, he breathed her in. "It's just the first month - it'll happen Robin - let's not stress."

"I'm not sure how I feel about you being the voice of reason" she teased lightly.

"We all have our moments of greatness and I guess this is mine" he grinned. "Actually" he tucked her hair behind her ear, "this might work out well."

"How do you figure?"

"I spoke to my Dad and I think you need to get to get on plane to Rome."

.